Should I get paid to take care of my FIL?

It’s more just a vent but advice is welcomed. My father in-law is not in good health and needs more help then he admits. His pride is the worst. He had a stroke several years ago, and they set him up with a home care aid to come by a few times a week he told her to leave. A few years ago I attempted to clean his home and he got really angry. After his stroke they referred him to pain management and several doctors and he refused to go. Now here we are today: several months ago he realized he couldn’t do it anymore and asked if I could be his home nurse (I am skilled) and he would pay. When I told him how much he flipped out and said he can’t afford that. Which is bs because he has 2 retirements, everything he owns is paid for, and he puts a large amount in savings for my husband every month for when he dies. I told him we’d look into his insurance. Sadly they will only pay for a nursing home not home care. So now I’m trying to set up VA since he is a Vietnam veteran he does qualify, but VA takes a really long time. He then rudely said he only needs me to clean once a week and discussed only going fridays. I had to take him to the ER which always sucks cuz there’s so many things wrong with him but he always refuses care! The doctors wanted to admit him and put him in a nursing home:/ they only released him because I take care of him…. Everyday he finds a reason for me to go out there which is 30 minutes away outside of town. I set him up with meals on wheels to deliver food, he complains about it and won’t touch it. I make him food and he complains about it. I clean his house at least 4 hours each time I go because it is so bad!! We’re talking yellow brown walls from 30 years of chain smoking. The floors are the same black from ashes and not using ash trays. I schedule doctor appointments and take him (when he’ll go) pick up groceries clean, etc. I’m just burnt out. I told him the other day we’re not financially making it and I need to look for a job, which of course he was upset. Am I wrong to wanna be paid? It wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t a chauvinist or didn’t live far from us.
77 Likes

No you’re not wrong. Your husband needs to step up and set some ground rules and you need to stop being the unpaid help

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I get paid to take care of my FIL?

Look into programs that will pay you. Accept what he offers or dont do it.

3 Likes

Why don’t you help him look for someone who can help him for a reasonable price.
It kinda sound like you want to over charge him bc you know he has money which is sad tbh
At the end of the day he is family and you know what they says family and business should not be mixed

20 Likes

If they pay for skilled nursing they pay for home health (they will lie to you)-I was in home health for 10 years. Otherwise the VA will pay it as well. Otherwise personally if my FIL asked me I’d help in a heartbeat without any sort of payment. Family helps family.

13 Likes

So my family just went through all this with my mom… sorta. My aunt took care of her and refused to be paid… even told the courts that(which is another story) however now thats she has been gone since April 30th shes demanding to be paid for all services and money she spent on our mom for 6 months which we never knew about… I would look into a program that would pay you

1 Like

Nope. Absolutely not! I would not ask to or expect to be paid to take care of my parents or inlaws. Family takes care of eachother.

11 Likes

You’re not wrong at all.

4 Likes

You find yourself a job somewhere else and let his kids worry about his miserable ass lol. Too much drama going into this.

Whatever state you’re in look for department of health services apply for home health services (chore provider) & 211…and also reach out to hospice services for the extra help. Good luck.

I guess I’m different from everyone else here because I feel like he’s family and you should take care of him with no pay. Even your in laws. When you marry your spouse their family becomes your family and you don’t charge family money to help them when they are sick

15 Likes

I think your trying to take advantage of his money the way you are listing what he has. What he has is his because he earned it if he says what you charge it to much he has a reason why doesn’t want to spend that amount. I think the final decision of who will care for him should be his or his kids not you.

5 Likes

Family is who you choose act accordingly

4 Likes

Keep looking to get paid from third parties, but help him, he gave you a husband! He keep depositing money for ur husband that is also your money. Help him!!!

1 Like

The VA should pay you to take care of him. Or pay someone to help him.

Family or not when your dealing with a chauvinistic person it’s hard I know from experience also if she can’t financially make and needs a job. What about family is family and should help each other financially or physically?! You should be paid especially if your skilled and she’s not gouging him asking for a fair wage.

13 Likes

Give the man an ultimatum. He moves in to be cared for properly by you and your hubby, OR its a nursing home.
Hes not ok, hes not coping and its unfair for your husband and FIL to always expect you to be there. At least if he’s in your home you can lay down some rules and hubby can care for him when he’s home from work too

4 Likes

look into community care for elders, and sign up to be his home caregiver under that program. I don’t know your location but in my area, it goes through visiting nurses. you won’t make much more than a home caregiver though, those wages are set by DHS. INSIST he fill out the paperwork for it. none of it should come out of his pocket

1 Like

Talk to the senior citizens I’ll talk to Medicare there is a program that is supposed to pay you if you take care of them because it keeps him out of the nursing home and they don’t have to pay so much but now you should be reimbursed definitely I took care of my mother and I took care of my mother-in-law until my back was to the point I couldn’t

As a combat vet whose FIL is also a Vietnam vet driving us nuts…
Be his boss.
Make it very clear, this and this will happen or you can figure it out until I’m here on Friday.
He hates getting older. He hates needing help. He hates being a bother. He hates not doing.
Now, you have to demand he listen. You’ll go at it but it’s for his care. And ffs, vet your husband to be his boss too. :heart::heart:

7 Likes

Nope took care of my memaw and never expected a dime … its horrible that people take advantage of the elderly … sounds like she needs to stop helping and let somebody do it that will take care of him … from her words I’d say she’s probably not even nice to him . Ugh humans sux

2 Likes

If I was in that situation I would never charge family sounds like his worked hard for every cent he has including fighting for his country ,shame on you ,also how can you be in any financial ruin when he has put money away for his son and his son will inherit everything anyway ,Show some Respect

2 Likes

Tell your husband he needs to hire someone ASAP to care for his father because your going to look for work elsewhere

1 Like

I wouldn’t charge him. Id charge his insurance. You can be paid to be his caregiver.

1 Like

In an ideal world we could all afford mentally, financially and physically to care for our loved ones. But this is not an ideal world and your family needs to eat and you to be healthy. Either he pays you or pays someone else. Your time and energy is important and just cause you are “family” doesn’t mean you are a servant to someone else, especially if they won’t at least follow doctors recommendations.

9 Likes

It sounds like stroke behavior. Are their other siblings that can spell you or chip in? You said hi s insurance won’t pay. Will Medicare. Best wishes.

It isn’t the fact that he’s family that’s the problem???
They aren’t financially making it and she’s literally working a job for free and losing time and their own money with nothing in return at this present time.
Yeah the savings account is awesome but they can’t eat or pay bills with that money now.

4 Likes

There is a program it’s called ppp it’s thru the insurance he can choose u as his home health aid an u will get paid for it

3 Likes

If he lived with you I’d say no but you travelling ect and it’s alot of mental work let alone physical and yes you should get paid

5 Likes

I wouldn’t say ur wrong in wanting him to pay u… cuz u said things are rough financially for u and ur husband and the time spent taking care of him u could be looking for a job… if u hired someone to look after him he’d have to pay. Maybe u should ask for a stipend instead of skilled pay seeing as he is ur FIL . The blessings will follow… my opinion

It depends on how much you were asking to be paid. I mean it wouldn’t hurt for him to help you all a little bit especially if you all are hurting financially. I am my mothers full time care giver. She lives with us and my husband and I take her to her doctors appointment. He has to go because I can not physically pick her up and move her. She helps out by paying for the groceries in the house. I think you 2 could sit down and figure out something reasonable for payment.

I also have my MIL living with us and she has helped out by buying both of the air conditioners for our house when they went out. I take her doctors appointments as well because she has to have someone take her when she gets shots in her eyes. So that is her helping us out.

The VA will pay a caretaker benefit of around $1000 per mth,it goes directly too him.So if he chooses not to pay you out of his benefit after receiving it.All you can do is let them know and they will stop his check.And that’s hard too do sometimes to someone you care about…

Maybe assisted living? No a nursing home, but somewhere where people check in on him.

You are not wrong for wanting payment. Does the VA do back pay? I know Medicaid/Medicare does in the states as I have done home are for family. As far as his attitude towards yourself and receiving in house care? Maybe the fact he is so sick is a reflection of his negativity and don’t take it personally. To be honest, I took care of my Dad every chance I got when he was terminal from cancer. He wasn’t in Hospice long. But I would give anything to be there & do it all over again (I didn’t get paid.) Even if it was just to have him yell at me. I worked 10+ hour shifts and on call & would still go there no matter what (with two kids, 12 & 4.) But in the end, it is your call on what you are capable of handling. Sometimes it is nice to have family with medical background to keep tabs on treatment & symptoms too.

1 Like

Look into finding someone to hire to help him out. He can use the money he’s putting into a savings account each month for your husband to pay them. Or you can send him to a nursing home and pay the $8k per month that it costs. We recently tried to get my FIL in short term therapy before he passed away. I’m an RN and was literally planning on taking my two sons an hour away from our house to live with him and take care of him as long as he could transfer hisself. I’d give anything to have him back and put my life on hold to take care of him. The VA is full everywhere close to us. There are waiting periods for months. I’m just curious to know how much you were going to charge him.

After talking about how ungrateful hes and how much money he has she says she’s burnt out. And at the very end that they’re not financially making it. If not financially making you’d think that would have been mentioned sooner in her vent

If he is a vet, it is probably hard for him to come to the realization that he can no longer care for himself. He more than likely went through h3ll during war and now he can’t live without help. PTSD also has a lot to do with his behavior. It is not something that is easy to accept for a person who fought for their life and was ready to die.

I would have his son pay you for taking care of his dad. My mom had a stroke a few years ago and I can’t imagine putting her in a nursing home. We cover her expenses when we take her places, the only reason she was able to go home was because I became responsible for her care. If one of my in-laws was in the same position, I could never imagine myself charging them for caring for them. The day I married their son, they became my family, regardless if they’re healthy or sick.

If he’s putting money in savings for your husband, then he’s paying you already, you’re just going to have to wait a bit to get that money and probably with interest.

3 Likes

My question is, is he on Medicare? There are a lot of Medicare plans that will pay for a home health aid. I work with Medicare beneficiaries everyday and this is a benefit included in a lot of plans. Feel to free to message me if you’d like and I could help you.

Seems that he is actually paying you. You state that he is putting a large amount in savings for your husband.

Maybe you could ask him to pay you directly instead of the savings.

Good luck in convincing Him to change

6 Likes

He either needs to go to a nursing home/ assisted living or live with you. He may “own” everything but there are still taxes on everything. But you shouldn’t be taking so much time out of your day to go to his house and take care of itball when you have your own job and family to take care of. He needs to live with whoever gives him care and to be honest I wouldn’t want to live with his picky stubborn bottom.

You are not in the wrong AT ALL!! I took care of my landlord for a lengthy time without his kids even being involved, he was like a father to me, it wasn’t easy, hang in there :disappointed_relieved:

2 Likes

No you are right. You should be paid. There is a lot of emotion involved.

1 Like

Tell your husband he needs ok figure it out out or call adult cps and push him into a nursing home if he won’t to home health aids. Or have him move in with you guys.

1 Like

No…youre not wrong to ask for reasonable payment for the work you are doing.
He has a choice to make. He can pay for a cleaner, cook and caregiver…or he can pay you.
Yes hes family and in an ideal world you wouldn’t want payment…but you could be working outside the home to help out your family . Instead youre caring for him and I know just how bloody minded they can be . How stressful it is to look after him
His choice…you or strangers…either way he has to pay

2 Likes

He’s ungrateful. Let him go :woman_shrugging:t2:

3 Likes

There’s nothing wrong with you getting paid and if he’s that stingy then I think you’re right in leaving and getting a paid job.

1 Like

Sounds like your husband should step up. Why hasn’t the home been repainted and the carpets deep cleaned why didn’t no one help him? Let your husband make the decisions for him .

1 Like

When I cared for my mother in law I was paid 10$ hr for every hour I was there I went 3 -4 times a week … they paid out of pocket also

Look into a program that allows him to hire you and a company pays you. In Missouri it is called a CDS program… their insurance covers it and the company pays you

2 Likes

You already take care of him. You might as well get paid for it.

Idk where you’re located, but you or he can apply for government aid for being the in home caregiver in the US

When my EX FIL came to stay with us through Hospice they ONLY paid for a home health nurse to come once a week. I did everything else. All his meals, meds, baths, etc. NEVER expected to be paid. Im sorry but he’s family and that’s what family does, take care of each other. If you dont want to do it then tell him no and stop but don’t complain because he won’t pay you. SMH 🤦😳

1 Like

The veterans of foreign wars act actually has a separate find that all
Veterans of any foreign war is
Entitled to. And so are their wives/husbands and/or dependents if qualifies. It’s not much but it’s between $1,500 and $1,900 pm to cover home help, cleaning and any visiting help that would benefit that veteran. Actually, the fund is allocated for the things I mean ruined above. He would r even have to know about it but as you’re doing the work already, it would
Cover such things.

1 Like

Leave the situation up to his son to deal with then you can get a job that pays you.

4 Likes

My opinion may not be liked but I am going to say it. I had a horrible mother growing up; she didn’t care for me my dad and sister did, she was mean and said horrible things to all of us like “I hate you, I wish you were never born” and just basically was a horrible person but fast forward and my dad died so my mom had no none and got sick with Alzheimer’s so I took care of her ( I quit my job and struggled finically)because at the end of the day she is family and she was so difficult to take care of but still she was my mom and I did what my heart said to do so I think you should just do what needs to be done to take care of him.

1 Like

I know it’s stressful. But when he is gone you will wish you had done more. In the long run your family will be paid, but I understand being tight. He is proud and he dont like people seeing him like that. He is angry that he needs help. Work out a fair amount for him to pay you. Figure out what you can get that insurance will pay for. You always help family, I have helped even when I knew I got nothing in return. That’s how family used to be.

Who does he have for insurance? Medicaid usually has home health benefits.

1 Like

Move him in with you.he is your family. You and your husband take care of him.

Yes it’s not wrong to ask for a payment for rendering service

2 Likes

Where is your husband at in all of this? Its his father… why isn’t he helping?

5 Likes

No he should pay u if he cant understand that u need to talk to ur husband it

I think if your a caregiver the VA will pay you. Look into it.
I wish you well.

1 Like

Get hired by the local home health agency & then he can request services. He gets the help he qualifies for & you get paid. Anything more than that can be done by his son!

1 Like

Doesn’t Medicare pay for family to aid and how about the office of aging

Have the DPOA activated and put him in the care he needs -:two_hearts:LNA

You’re not in the wrong. Family or not, you can’t run you and yours in the ground to help someone else. Yeah he maybe putting money in savings or what not but that’s for when he passes not now. That’s not going to keep your power from being turned off or put food on your table at the present time. It’s also putting you further in debt since you’re having to spend your money for gas,etc to go over there and do for him. I personally would talk it out with my spouse and let him know that you’re burnt out on doing it and that you don’t mind helping but you’re not there to be his personal caregiver all day everyday as it takes up your time from being able to get a job and if something can’t be worked out then either he can be there for his beck and call along with his responsibilities already or other arrangements need to be made as at the end of the day it is his father. But it also sounds like he maybe lonely or needing attention since he finds something everyday, like a excuse for you to come out there so then he knows someone is there.

1 Like

I absolutely think you should be paid

It’s hard! Pretty much he is just trying to maintain control and by you getting upset he does that. You and your husband decide what you are willing to do. Example- work M W F from 10 until 2. Take carry out from your dinners and snacks. The VA should have a program where they will come and assess his needs. Then go from there. You didn’t say how old he was.

The state will pay u

In some states they will pay you to take care of him. You should look in to it. See if yall can’t come to a reasonable pay that suits you both. I know it’s hard but I didn’t have the best relationship with my mother in law. And all that fighting and childishness on both parts wasn’t worth it in the end. She passed away and I regret it whole heartedly.

1 Like

From what I understand, there are some states that actually pay family members or close friends to be “caregivers.” I’m really not sure of what the process is or how to qualify, but I know that an aunt of mine was paid to take care of her mother…even though she never really took care of her and just stole every dime she had and maxed out her credit cards, but that’s a whole different story itself. I’m sure you’ve probably looked into it already but if you haven’t, definitely ask around. I would contact your local department of aging and see if they have any suggestions.

In Delaware if he has Medicaid, Easter Seals would pay you, by the hour, to Care for him. Easter Seals would tell you how many hours a week they would pay for.
My Mother was approved for 20 hours per week. She developed an Urgent Health issue and she had her leg amputated half way up her shin, then the next day it was removed above the knee. After she did 2 weeks in Physical Rehab and went home, they upped it to 60 hours per week.
That covers in home care/cleaning/cooking and taking to Medical appointments.

As for him constantly calling for you to go there, he wants Company and he wants that company to be you.

3 Likes

If hes on social security there is a program that will pay you to be his caregiver

1 Like

Want you get everything when he dies and puts a large amount of money in your husbands account. Y’all probably aren’t happy with each other. You can put him in assisted living.

1 Like

Sounds like you’ve done the math with his money, Tell him to stop putting money in savings for your husband and just give it to you then.

2 Likes

American culture is the only culture I have ever heard of that do not take care of their elderly, and when they do they expect some sort of compensation. He is your husbands father, and he is already putting away inheritance for him. Since you cant get past the money part of it, let your husband and your FIL doctors handle it. He said that he only needed help once or twice a week, so why cant you get a job since you’re struggling so bad?

8 Likes

You’re not wrong. You deserve to be paid for services rendered.

1 Like

we had the va pay for aid and attendance for my mom’s care. In Pennsylvania it was 1250.00 per month and it doesn’t take long to get

2 Likes

I got hired in by my mom’s home health company and I get paid to take care of her through her medicaid I believe. Definitely look into that!!!

I can’t imagine expecting to be paid to care for my family (and yes, a father in law is family). How does your husband feel about it I wonder?

Look into Aide & Attendance through the VA. I believe family members qualify and especially because you are skilled. I know a friend had to quit her job to care for her husband and she received it. Hopefully this helps.:heart:

1 Like

Been there done this. My step-fil was a disrespectful belittling man. It was not only hard but ,very hard. He would make out a check to pay me but it would be in my husband’s name and if I reached out to take it from him he would jerk it back and tell me it’s not for you. My husband kept up the yard but I did the home. He was a miser as well. I’m really sorry your going thru this. I’m tempted to say move him in with y’all but if he’s anything like this DON’T. It could end your marriage.

Yes ask for pay. If he won’t do as you need then get him in the home now. His insurance should pay till the VA kicks in. He should have medicare. That will pay most. Now if you do put him in you MUST move all bank accounts or money to your husband’s name. If he owns anything all titles need to be in your husband’s name as well. If you don’t …medicare WILL swoop in and TAKE IT ALL. Literally everything. Even the bath and kitchen sink.
If he is on Medicaid they will do the same. They take it and sell it all and pocket the money.
We got a lawyer. They were able to salvage for my MIL 20% for her to keep. He refused to allow his account to be in anyone’s name but his.
It was easier to put him in. Easier on us but also him as well. After he got in. He stopped complaining. I pray y’all can do what is best for all concerned. It’s a very hard thing to go thru but also to put them in. Pray about it. Pay for strength and courage and guidance. God bless y’all.

1 Like

I don’t see you mention anything about your husband helping his dad at all. I think you should get paid. That’s a huge responsibility.

4 Likes

No . Have your spouse help . Family is family . Unless you can arrange for caretaker pay from Medicare .

1 Like

You sound like a selfish person

10 Likes

As a veteran myself, it baffles me that a lot of people always say “wHaT aBoUt oUr vEtErAns?” And when it’s time to help ONE, everyone turns their back to them.

I’m 99% sure he suffers from PTSD plus all the medical issues you mentioned, plus he’s getting older, it is definitely not an easy person to deal with.

Keep on calling the VA for help, and have your husband make him understand that his VA appointments are necessary. Don’t give up on him, I’m pretty sure even after having attitude with you, that you’re the one person he trusts the most. There are plenty of support groups for veterans and their families. Look for some and they’ll guide you, as far a benefits and compensation for you goes.

8 Likes

LOWER your price since he IS your FIL AND you will somewhat benefit after his death… so untimely you’ll get your money back… granted you and the husband are still together :woman_shrugging:t2:

3 Likes

What is your husband doing to help?

3 Likes

In PA you can train to be a home health care aid. Then you can get paid for taking care of him.

Get home health going for him, and take care of yours

2 Likes

Reach out to the local American legion post they get help get the va moving they should know more of the ends and outs.

1 Like

Family should help family…paid or not. However, said family member should also not take advantage of your generosity. But, I also feel like if he is setting money aside for your family when he passes…that should be taken into consideration as well. If you’re not financially making ends meet, get a part time job and help him on the side.? I think thats what I would do. I will also point out that your husband should be helping too! Maybe even asking FIL to put $50 less a week aside for when he passes and paying you. Every little bit helps. Find a compromise. You deserve something for all your hard work. Gas alone getting back and forth to help him isn’t cheap! Good luck! :pray::blue_heart:

2 Likes

You should not have to deal with him disrespecting you, and you should be getting paid something

2 Likes

No you are wrong if it cause you money problems to the point that you cant even take care of your self he needs to understand that and you need to do what needs to be done for you and there is nothing wrong with that and im sorry you are being treated like this

2 Likes

He’s family your husband father geez how much are you asking for . Maybe He finds reasons to have you come out because he’s lonely elderly people get very lonely maybe he’s scared to be alone maybe all the things that are wrong with him make him set an angry try to have some patience be kind

4 Likes

How much money does he put aside for husband each month ?

1 Like

Sounds like your husband needs to quit his job and take care of his dad and then you can go to work full time

14 Likes

Usually insurance will pay you for a certain amount of hours a week to help him

You need to take care of you before him. That said, he qualifies for assistance, he just refuses it. Tell the doctor about his living conditions. They will put him in a home. You can rest assured he is being taken care of. You can then visit with your husband. Don’t let him guilt you.

7 Likes