Look into the VA care provider program. That is a program that will pay someone to care for a Veteran. There is a website that has all the forms, phone numbers etc.
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Lower your price, & since he’s putting money in a savings account for your husband you can consider that part of the payment. OR take what you think you deserve from that savings now if you need it. Your husband is a grown man with a family and doesn’t need his father whose sick and retired to be saving money for him.
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The VA will pay you. There is at least one program i can think of that would pay, but likely several others. If you get stuck ask the DAV for help navigating and they can point you in the right direction. Check the va.gov portal for more insight, and dont give up! The process is painful and tedious but so worth it in the end. Good luck to you!
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He should be qualifying for some assistance, va is a good route but maybe see if you can get a county social worker involved, take him to Er and tell them he’s unable to care for self and that will force case management and social work to get involved. EPS is also another option as he’s living dirty and unable to care for self then a social worker and Rn get involved. Sometimes we just can’t do it, nothing harder than taking care of family especially one with an affected brain.
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Look into Patriot Angels! They will get his Aid and Attendance benefit going! Their turn around time is 30 to 90 days! And you can care for him with the aid and attendance benefit!
Sounds like it’s nursing home time
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You are definitely NOT wrong for wanting to get paid. Ultimately the money he is saving is your husbands not yours, and from what you wrote, I don’t see your husband doing anything to care for his father. It’s great that you’re being a kind, caring person but at the end of the day you need to look out for yourself and your needs as well. Do not let him guilt trip you
Veterans are paying for care givers and you would qualified. I know people who got it in six months. I would check with the va.
You should not feel bad for wanting/ needing to be paid .
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What is your husband doing in all of this? He is HIS father!
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Why isn’t he already set up with the VA? If he is sick & served in Vietnam should be getting benefits from the VA already even if he has private insurance. I’m not sure he isn’t working you over bc he doesn’t want to pay someone. If I were in you position I would leave him there until he agrees to pay you or someone else will have to come help him. You do not let your FIL treat you this way. If he goes into a nursing home they will take every penny he has working his entire life for. He needs to start to transfer everything into your husbands name & yours but definitely into someone else’s name. If he is just now starting to get benefits from the VA then something is wrong. Why would he wait until this age & being this sick? The VA should have at beat been involved when he had the stroke!! Please explain to him if he doesn’t pay you then he will be paying through the roof for private care bc you can not do this anymore! God bless you for what you’re doing, he is stubborn & old but someone needs to lay the law down to him!! Sending you prayers & once again god bless you! Hope everything works out for you.
No, you’re not wrong. Not only do you need to take care of yourself financially - you need to take care of yourself mentally and physically. I agree with the other poster - tell your husband to quit HIS job to take care of HIS Dad, and you go get the job. Take care of YOU.
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Call your county veteran representative
So in CA there’s a program called IHSS, they pay you to take care of your family member. I’m not sure where you are, or if it would be called the same thing if you have it, but maybe see if there’s a program like that?
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If he is receiving social security or disability he should qualify for a home health aide. They don’t pay extremely well. I think about 1200 to 1500 a month, so it might not be something that you want to do if you are expecting/needing to earn more. If you don’t want to do it social services will have a list of qualified candidates. They will not very much cleaning so he would need to hire someone else to do the cleaning. You maybe could work a deal for him to pay you so much weekly for cleaning and you also get qualified as his home health aide and receive that pay also. With the two sources of income it might be add up to the income that you want/need.
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You’re being taken advantage of. I’d have him sent to a nursing home
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Im also with home care and I’ve met alot of DIL taking care of their husbands fathers. I give you props for everything you do because i know it is not easy. But he does need to understand that there are certain things that he has to do that he may not like. Did he lose ability to move any body parts? ( for example, like right side or left side of body)
Perhaps he wants to be independent? Maybe thats why he’s so upset about things? Maybe ask him if he wants to do things he’s able to and just be there to support him if he realizes he can’t do the cleaning? Im just trying to throw out some examples that I’ve done with my clients. I hope you find the advice you need! I am thankful for people like you because i know its tough. Take care 
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If my fIL was still with us no I would not charge him a dime. He is already putting a large amount in account for your husband which will be your to so I would say your already going to be paid once he is gone.
I got paid to watch my grandma and she had dementia………and she was rude to me my whole life would call me fat,would call my mother fat in front of me and a whole a lot of other things soo I was very hesitant to watch her but it was actually a great time watching her we got along and went on walks talked and I’m actually glad I had that before she passed away
In Georgia there is a thing called structured family caregiver you get paid a tax free stipend for caring for your family idk if something similar may be available where you live but worth looking into I believe they do train you a little bit i think cpr and basic care but worth looking into for sure .
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Why is there no mention of your husband helping his own father in anyway?
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So are you a nurse or c n a I have done home health for many years it doesn’t pay well at all but would much rather the family stay at home
Get a job and let your FIL sort his own business out or your husband must help. You are not a slave
They have home care now where you get paid to work for family.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. https://answers.mamasuncut.com/t/should-i-get-paid-to-take-care-of-my-fil/13470
Go back to the VA and ask specifically for “aid and attendance “ benefits. It is part of the WW2 veterans benefits I know for sure but I’m not positive about newer GI bills
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I know it’s very hard…I’ve had to take care of my kids dad and no one helped me…I worked and took care of him and our kids and all the chores and errands for 4 years…the state I live in has a program that will pay you to take care of them through area 4 so maybe it’s the same in your state…once my kids dad got worse I had to stop working to care for him and our kids full time…when they are sick like that they do tend to get mean and it’s just easier to know that it’s bc they are sick and dying…that’s not easy on anyone…my kids dad passed away in October and it was really hard
Yes, you can get paid, you need to get in touch with the VA, his insurance will pay you to take care of him, just like the home health care worker, you just need to go through the red tape yourself, and you will get paid. And they will pay you for your travel also.
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I have looked into nursing homes for my uncle. They are about $10,000.00 a month plus meds. My mom moved in with us about 4 yrs ago. I get paid, and reimbursement for her expenses. Does he have other children that can help? Set an hourly wage and reimbursement for expenses. Gas alone is crazy! Did you ask him what he wanted to pay?
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Did you have a job prior to all this? Did you quit a job to help him? Yes you should paid…but he probably believes some stuff are things “family” should care enough to help with…that being said where is your husband? Does he ever help his own father? Seems you are the one trying to work everything out for you FIL.
Also your FIL may think since he’s putting money in the bank monthly for his grown son(your husband) that he doesn’t need to pay anybody
Overall his son needs to get involved in his father’s life and day to day care.
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He is your job. Yes, you should be paid if you continue to do it. He takes up all your time so you’re not able to bring income to your family’s well being. Lay it out…either need paid, or find someone else. Give him the opportunity to choose, and not be told.
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If he don’t want to pay and you need a job then put him in a home
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Call VA for home nursing for Vets. Also they can bus him to appointments there. Vets volunteer to drive vets. Let go and let him and his son figure it out. You are being an enabler.
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Sounds like your frustrations should be toward your husband. It’s his father and you’ve assumed all responsibility. I think he needs to either step up at home if you’re doing everything for his father or help with his father’s care. I wouldn’t ask for money. It’s your family.
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Have you tried through IHSS? I live in Cali & my mom gets paid to watch my grandfather through the state not my grandfathers actual money. You should look into that route if it’s available where you live. Her title is caregiver she just had to get CPR certified
This is something you need to have your husband, yourself and your FIL to sit down with and talk … especially since this is your husbands father … just let him handle it not you
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That’s a hard to one. You and your husband need to talk about it and then talk to your FIL. It sounds to me like maybe he isn’t mentally or physically well enough to live alone, even with you or a nurse coming today help. Maybe it’s time for a home, doesn’t necessarily have to a nursing home. Maybe assisted living? It sounds like he could afford it and it would relieve a lot of stress for all of you involved.
You’re in a bad predicament. Insist on getting paid.
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Sounds like your just taking advantage because he has money if you cared enough you wouldn’t even ask for money
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Go get a paying job. You didn’t say what your husband’s position was in all this. Good luck 
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I took care of my boyfriend’s father he paid $1,300 a month. He lived with us because he needed 24 hour care. It was a lot of work for very little money Honestly I would have done it for free. My father in law was VA and they do help with supplies and they gave him medication for depression and his anger issues that went along with being disabled which helped the most for us. Good luck. Get paid because you will totally earn whatever you are paid.
I pretty much dealt with this with my own father. Refused all care and help. Fought me all the time. Refused to even go to normal dr appts I worked two jobs and couldn’t do it anymore he needed way more care then I could do and he ignored everything I said. Told him he had no choice but to go to a full time care facility 
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He is taking advantage and you husband and yourself should set him straight either he pays you or he can go to a nursing home. Simple as that.
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Just tell him you hate charging him but you are struggling and that if he is unwilling to pay you that you need to seek gainful employment to support your family’s needs…Good luck
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But he is sort of paying you, he’s putting money in a savings account for your husband, which means that money will also be yours, if it were me I’d stop putting the money in the account and give it to you, having all of that in mind it is unfair you ask for more payment
Get paid through his insurance! I wouldn’t make him pay out of pocket
I don’t even want to answer this question. My question for u is where the heck is your husband and or any other immediate family & why are u making him your priority?! Get a clue honey sheesh
Try social services they have a program thT will payyou
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Look to see if your community has In Home Supportive Services thru the welfare office. The patient must qualify for medicaid and medicare
He’s putting money in your savings account every month? Isn’t that payment?
My mom took care of my dads dad for 18 years before he passed and yes he “paid” my mom. That was the deal, no nursing home. He would live with us & my mom would care for him. In return, after my parents built a house for all of us, including a handicap accessible suite for Pop, plus wheelchair ramp, that he would pay the mortgage on the house, which was around $2400. Waaaayyy cheaper than what a nursing home would charge.
My suggestion is that you should call around to some of the local NH’s and get a cost breakdown of what care would be. Use that & a comparison of what your salary would be & use that in your “negotiations”. Your husband needs to be completely on your side & you guys need to present a United front & talk to your FIL.
Put him in a home. This isn’t your responsibility and shame on your husband for allowing you to be treated like a doormat.
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I really pray you figure something out financially. My Father was a very challenging person with many illnesses. One being deaf so he couldn’t communicate with many. I would get very frustrated with his anger . My father passed and I am so blessed to have been able to take care of him. He moved into my home. If that’s a possibility it makes it easier
Unfortunately he’s taking advantage. Be kind but stern. Wages are needed. Good luck.
Yeah he’s not appreciating the help… so leave him in his misery… eventually he will end up in a home since he refuses to be civil with those who do help.
This is something you need to discuss with your husband. This is divorce grounds if he dosen’t agree. I know of a family that the husband left his wife because she refused to take care of his father. Beware.
Honey. Go get a job. You are in no way obligated to take care of this man, and to be honest his behavior is more than you’re able to handle effectively in a home setting. I would not be surprised if he is hiding/dumping medications and you may want to recommend to his Dr to him evaluated for any sort of cognitive decline.
My grandma was like this and it was difficult. She didn’t want to be in the hospital, she didn’t want hospice, but she wanted us and mostly her husband to take care of her, but nothing was ever right for her. She was very ornery like a crazed hen. The I found that she had been dumping her medication box for a few weeks and just randomly taking pills out of her bottles even though she was nearly blind from the cataracts. Whether me or the nurse filled her box, it didn’t matter. In my grandma’s particular case, it was a trauma response triggered by loss of control and helplessness. Eventually I just realized I had to stop running myself ragged because my help was causing as many problems as it was solving.
It is not right for him to refuse all help and lay this burden on your shoulders. Your husband needs to step up and be your voice
Why would you take care of someone who is rude and nasty to you?
Sure why not? Its a job isn’t it?
so why is it so wrong to get paid?there are homecare workers and aides that get pd so why cant you?family or not.everyone needs to survive.its not wrong.living is getting expensive.everyone has bills to pay.good luck
He needs some tough love
I think you need to walk away. Period!!
I’ll be the black sheep here. That’s your family, your married into it. Would you expect to be paid to take care of your own father? Your entire post sounds really self centered to me. He is literally dying…
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That’s your family. You supposed to be there.
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No . As someone who watched her own father die and my husband helped more than me as I was doing his business paperwork . I would do anything for any of my inlaws I class them as my own . My husband did everything we asked of him for my father without question .
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No he needs to pay you he’s just being ridiculous
You have a family to take care of as well 
sounds to me like the FIL is just greedy and wants to keep using/abusing you. Yes you have the right to be paid and if he doesnt want to do it then he can do it on his own
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As long as he isn’t in a nursing home or hiring outside help he can tell himself it is not as bad as it is. As his DIL, and family, your help doesn’t count. There are organizations that will pay you to take care of family. Or you can simply tell him that you are going to hire outside help to help him, and if he doesn’t like it, he can take care of himself.
Id send him to a home
You really don’t get where he’s coming from . He’s a veteran first and foremost . His job was to protect others . Now he can’t protect himself and he really resents it . He resents being weak and vulnerable . Try putting yourself in his shoes for 5 minutes . Would you like to be so vulnerable that that you have to rely on others all the time ? People organising your life and just expecting you to fall in line ? A nursing home to him would be hell on earth . Sit down with him and talk to him with recognition that he’s still a human being who has needs . Let him tell you what he wants and needs and leave money out of it . He’s not a business venture , he’s also your family . How would you react if it was one of your parents ? The elderly deserve recognition for the fruitful life they used to have . We all get old , we all get ill , we all die . To die with dignity should be a legal requirement !! IMO
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But we also need to make a living I’m sorry but if your doing all the care what he doing with his money even if your family if he or she has decent retirement they can pay for there care cause who suppose to support you while taking cate of yes family member that want to stay and has the mean to pay otherwise go to nursing home
Unpopular opinion, send him to a home. It’s sad but you need to support your family first.
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Meh, you’re doing a job and should be compensated as much. You have a family and bills to pay and he sounds like he’s being wholly unreasonable. He’s had ample chances to get the help he needs without putting you out and he doesn’t seem to be bothered by his decisions and their impact on you or his son. Just because it’s family, doesn’t mean you have to allow toxic behavior in your life.
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Yeah where’s the love …family dynamics definitely changed
get the job you need he’s taking advantage of you
You 100% should be compensated. I’d be firm with him that is he wants your help that you need to be paid accordingly or you’ll have to look for a job and he’ll have to hire someone else. It’s hard when it comes to family but in your situation with all that you’re doing, you should be paid. Could your husband try talking to him? Maybe a home is the best place for him if he refuses either of your suggestions.
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Charge him for cleaning his home then. Offer him General Cleaning Services or Deep Cleaning Services- where you go through and wash everything down instead of spot checking, etc…
Or you can write out a price sheet with individualized tasks and prices and allow him to choose what he wants done & he can see how much it’s gonna cost to have those tasks completed.
He is probably angry because he has to rely on others. Older generations find it quite traumatic to not be able to work and care for themselves anymore. It’s still difficult to deal with but that’s likely why he is so angry.
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I would not make him pay. He’s family. But, here where I live we have what they call “compassionate care” you get it through unemployment insurance. But only if you had to quit a job to take care of a family member.
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I am seeing so many red flags in this story ,he is smoking and has had a stroke ,strokes bring on different behavior its not really them ,your dealing with a man that needs what sounds like twenty four care,good luck
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In KS we have a program that you register through and you get paid to be a caregiver for your family member. You may look into your own state doing so
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Look into State paid care. I know a few people who get paid by the state to take care of elderly mothers, fathers, etc. We are in California but you should definitely check your state to see if they offer such a program. Ours is called IHSS-in home support services
My father was simlar. He ended up in home as hospital and social services said was best for him. Honestly was hard after been his carer 15 yrs. But he’s really happy now he’s settlrd
You should either be getting paid or sending him to a nursing home where others are paid to look after him. You need to support your family before anything else and this isn’t fair on you. This is coming from a continuing care assistant with a college degree. Good luck. It’s a tough decision but it’s necessary.
This might help take some of the burden off of you.
He probably won’t go to one of the facilities because he can’t smoke.
Yes you should be paid. Maybe it is time for a nursing home. Nursing is hard enough, having a demanding father in law is worse. Tell him if he can’t afford you how is he going to afford someone else. He is very lucky to have you. Maybe his son should talk to him.
You definitely deserved to be paid. My daughter takes care of me and she goes through a company that pays her. It’s called Caregiver Homes. She reports by phone everyday. Cicoa is who hired her and they picked Caregiver Homes for her to go through.
One day you will be elderly and need taken care of by family. Karma is a bitch. Plus did you really say he puts a large amount of money away for your family when he dies. And you want more. Smh.
I would tell my husband to deal with his father and put him in an assisted living facility. You don’t have to take his abuse (and that is what it is) just because he is your husband’s father. I would tell him that if he can’t treat me better and pay for my care then I am out. He needs to see that nobody has to take his abusive behavior.
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A lot of my previous relationship issues was bc I felt like I was being taken advantage of bc I was the one who cared for his dementia grandmother’s needs. Then when she passed on, I felt unwanted. Either put your foot down or walk away from it. It is not your responsibility.
I would sit down with your spouse and tell him how his Dad talks down to you and isn’t happy with anything you try to help him with and that you are leaving the care in his hands since it’s his Dad. He can decide to do the care himself or do a seniors home for his Dad and not leave you stuck in the middle.
I feel bad for him but worse for you. He is your husband’s obligation, not yours. You will lose your sanity at this rate. Hubs needs to step up and stay up. Period. End of story.
If you are financially strapped at home and need a job then yes he should pay. He should pay for his own groceries, the gas you spend to drive him places. If he doesn’t use ashtrays he is a risk to himself ( where des he put them out?). Get his son to tell him to use the money he puts away every month. Hes not using it. Question is was he always an ass or just recently? I would have lost my cool by now and told him off. If he knows you will take it he will continue likethis.
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Can you find a way to live with him, or him with you? That is the only way this will work long term.
You don’t say how long ago the stroke happened. If he was an independent guy all his life, it’s really hard to ask or even acknowledge that he needs help. Keep in mind that we all hit that age at some point. I know that it is very hard for me to ask for help, even with the one son who does help me. My other son just won’t. I HATE asking for any help and at this point my house looks like crap, which I also hate. It would take a month for me to do one section when my son can do it in 2 hours, maybe. I am at the point where bending causes me so much pain, that I can stuff for 20 minutes and I have to sit for an hour or more. If there is lots of bending, it’s the rest of the day. You need to make sure that your husband is willing to help him and maybe that’s why dad’s a grouch, he wants his son to help. He might even just want time with him to play cards, take a walk or drive or just to shoot the breeze. It shouldn’t ALL fall on you. If you have kids, get them to go and cheer up grandpa while you do stuff or even to spend the night or weekend, just because. Both my sons were raised to help their elders and the one will help all but me. I would offer to do what you are willing to help with, after asking what help he would like done. Then ask him to let the social worker at the VA know that you are willing to help and allow you to talk to them. Assure him that they will not divulge any medical without your permission. Good Luck