He lives approximately 20 minutes from us and always has. He has just straight up chosen NOT to see him. I can count on my hands how many times he has seen him since he was born. He just turned five years old last month. He has asked over the years, we have set up arrangements, and he never followed through with them. My son doesn’t even know his father. I am torn on whether to let him or not. It was nothing but drama when we were together, with him and his family. Nobody from his family checks up on him and never has. I’m worried that if I allow it, it will be a one-time thing, and it will hurt my son more than it does now, not knowing him. I don’t want to keep my son from him, but he isn’t trustworthy. He never worked while we were together and gave any financial support. He had another kid after we split, and he is in that kid’s life, along with his other kids as well. My son literally does not know he even has a father. I tried the child support route to get financial help and set up visitation ut was literally told by the child support office that I was wasting my time and needed to close the case. I did that and have raised my son on my own, which is fine, but I feel torn. I want my son to know his father, but I don’t want him to be hurt. He is so young and so innocent, and I am so scared that he will be taken away.
If he wants to be a Parent after all this time he will take the proper channels and file for visitation. He is 5 so he can understand disappointment fairly well and it’s hard to manage those emotions at his age. My daughters father is the same way and I had enough and if he ever wants to be a parent he can file for visitation and we go from there, he also lives 15 min away and chooses along w his family to just be MIA. Dont even upset your son over someone so inconsiderate and inconsistent! It’s hard but it’s the best option because if he really wanted to be in his sons life he WOULD be.
In my opinion if he hasn’t seen him and your son doesn’t even know who he is… I would just leave it at that until he is older and can choose for himself if he wants anything to do with his father or not.
If he isn’t consistent and hasn’t been. Then he probably won’t be now. Save your child the heartache and keep your distance.
My 2 wonderful boys have a dad that just pays mim on support. And hasnt seen them in 8 years. The only advice i can give is keep the door open but if he doesnt come around you will have to explain to them what is going on. Five is an age where they start to remember everything. My oldest was 11 when I got him his own FB so he could keep in touch with his dad. My son barley calles him and his dad doesnt even try to call him hes going to be 15 evently he stoped asking to talk to him. Now it’s the i wanna see him but his dad always has an excuse plus when we separated he went texas and gave up his visition rights
start with supervised visit for set time period.–could just be 30 min or so – can be your home or somewhere, such as park or something along that line. then after period of time, start extending same. my son was in treatment out of state for an extended period of time. he had a visitation schedule set up prior to leaving. when he got back, of course my grandson didn’t know my son, but he knew us as we still got him and kept him over nights and weekends during the time period when he was gone. when he came back, it started out with visit at his mom’s house, then we went over to the park for a couple of hours-- unfortunately, my son died within a month after returning home.
No absolutely not! That affects a child mentally!
Bang on exactly what me and my daughter have experienced after 9 years of it my daughter doesn’t want to know because she knows she will be let down I’d leave it he as you and if he is serious he will take you court
Save your child the heartbreak. He can still have a father. My step dad raised us ( mom was single with 5 children under 8 when she met him- I was 2 months old) If his bio dad really is determined to be in his life he will file for visitation and fight for it- make him fight. It’s been 5 years of nothing from him he doesn’t deserve anything to be easy
Absolutely if he wants to be apart encourage that! The mental torture of feeling not worthy sucks. Seeing dad out being dad with siblings sucks. Feeling like they can’t love both sucks. Seeing dad & him avoiding you to prevent conflict also sucks. You need to set something up and help them know one another first. Don’t just allow him to get him on the 2nd visit. Be smart but I absolutely believe it can be detrimental for a kid to not have both parents in their lives! I lived this hell and the why’s & what ifs & blaming yourself certainly carries over when you’re an adult.
People change especially in 5 years time. Let him see him this time and see how it goes. It may be a one time deal or it could be a father figure finally stepping up
Nope. He can take the kid and Never give him back. Do not
If he has changed, he would also be willing to help support the child, try that first. THEN he can start seeing the kid. But why make the kid suffer…
This was my son. He’s now 10 and won’t even speak about his father. We had to put him in therapy & etc i blame myself partly…. I shouldnt have let him come in and out. Now my poor son holds so much hate in his heart. it’s a catch 22 honestly. It’s a game u can not win.
No he’s a stranger a waster no role model he’s no father. CONTINUE doing what your doing …
If he has never made an effort than he isn’t going to. And unfortunately you can’t make him. So I think you kinda answered your own question.
My philosophy , the door was always open for him to see his kids,that I didn’t wanna be the parent that kept him from the kids.he chose not to and as adults,my kids know it was him that made that choice
Let me speak from personal experience. My mother didn’t always allow my father to see me, nor did she ever try to keep in touch with him. She had the attitude, like many others, that I can decide when I am older. My father died when I was around 12. I never got to make that choice. Please encourage anything you can. It’s never too late to step up as a parent. Let him try. If he fails, your child will know you did everything you could to keep the door open and encouraged it.
My son was 2 when he last saw his Dad. He will be 14 this year. Door has always been open and same as you will set things up and change his mind or not show. So I just gave up then when he was around 8 I reached out to him and asked if he wanted to be in his life he said yes. So they had a few phone calls. His Dad promising him things and again never following through. Calls then stopped haven’t heard from him since. My son really has no idea who he is and has no desire to get to know him. I tried.
If he hasn’t made an effort ok 5 years I’d say no , if your son don’t ask to see Him I wouldn’t make him have a relationship with someone he don’t know at this point wait until your son asks and is ready
I would let him but leave out the word “dad” & if he continues to see him & be consistent then he can earn his role as a father
Speaking from experience, it’s best to not hold your child from that relationship. My daughter is 9 and I have posted here with a very similar, almost identical, situation. He saw her for the first time when she was four and disappeared. I spent many nights, sitting up with her cry because she didn’t know why she wasn’t good enough… Now I will say, over the past few years, he would randomly text and threaten court and all that but the reason behind me saying no is, for awhile she decided that she didn’t want him in her life. Recently, she wanted to reach out to him to find out why. Obviously, ridiculous excuses were give and she is very very hesitant to reestablish that relationship.
With all of that being said, let him try. You are mama and mama knows best, but if there is a failed connection don’t speak negatively. Help your child navigate around the emotions that come along with it.
Good luck mama. I know it’s a rough place to be in but you got this!!
Has he expressed interest or asked recently to see him? I would have visitation set up through the courts and agree that supervised wouldn’t be a bad idea at first and see how it goes. I agree with others, people change, maybe he’s now ready to step up and be a parent. I understand you wanting to protect your son from getting hurt but also years down the road he could be even more upset that his father asked to see him and you didn’t allow it.
Aw I feel for you… it’s easy to say no don’t allow it but you obviously want your son to have a healthy relationship with his dad, you just need to think about it all weigh up the pros and cons and make a decision which is not easy. It’s awful that when the father doesn’t want to be involved in the child’s life the rest of the family follow but you need to take pride in the fact that you have done it all and should be damn proud of yourself!! It’s far from easy! You just do what you think is best… good luck xx
Look, the way I see it as a child who went through it… the child is going to be hurt either way sadly, but the question is do you want him to resent and blame you for not allowing him to have a relationship with his father? Im not saying the fathers behavior is right, and I do agree that any visitation should you choose it, be supervised. But if you don’t give your child this chance to see who his father is for himself, he will likely blame you later in life for him not being there. Most likely when he’s an adult he’ll come to the realization that you were trying to protect him, but that’s years from now and he’s already got a non existent with his father, don’t allow that to put distance between you and your child later in life, he needs you. You need to sit down and think of all the different outcomes of this situation and go from there because this isn’t a decision that will only effect right now. Don’t tell the child about it, just set it up, if he doesn’t show again, you can st least tell your son you tried every time.
Children have the right to both parents
He’s going to feel upset that the dad is in his other kids lives but not his watch half and half tv show on Netflix if you haven’t already it’s about a dad who gave his youngest the golden life and his oldest daughter from his first marriage hardly sees him at all growing up then the half sisters become neighbors and friends as adults.
Insist on supervising the visit. I would do supervised visits for at least 6 months.
What if you actually bring him to his dads instead of waiting for him to bail on plans.
Be positive. It’s a new year. And it’s never too late
My daughter’s"real father" if you can call him that has been in and out of her life. He will see her and call for a month or so then disappear for a year or two then pop.back up. She’s eleven and it’s been like this for eleven years. It’s hurt her and confused her so bad. She loves her daddy but she is starting to see he doesn’t really care if he’s in her life.
He blames everyone else but himself. I’m the #1 person he blames. He tells her I’ve kept her from him which I haven’t.
I have let him come and go because I want my daughter to form her own opinion of him and have her own feelings if that makes sense. No matter how bad I wanted to just tell him to go to hell it’s not my place too. Your son may get hurt and be confused but he needs to form his own opinion about his father.
Maybe the dad has changed and is going to be a constant presence now, maybe he hasn’t but at least you will be able to look back one day and say I tried and your son will grow up knowing that mommy was always there and that mommy was never the bad guy that kept the dad away. He won’t hold any resentment towards you just the father.
Some may disagree with me but oh well.
As someone who is going through almost the exact same thing, don’t. It will only confuse your son and I regret letting my son see his father. Don’t let him see his dad until his dad proves that he wants to be a constant part of his sons life otherwise it will just hurt your son
I’m not against it but it’s been so long he would need to establish a relationship either by therapy like CCRT with supervised visitation. What is Child-Parent Relationship Therapy? | Center for Play Therapy
I wish I could give my child this opportunity. As long as it is safe, let him. It would not be safe for my child. And me sure to get a picture of the two together if at all possible. That picture may very well be a prized possession for that child.
I feel like the door should always be open you do not put the weight of an adult on a child’s shoulders always keep that door open and as time goes the child will see who the problem was and they will then choose wether or not they want a relationship with that parent but you should never be the reason he doesn’t see him that away your child can’t say that you didn’t allow it and them hold resentment towards you I kniw this first hand im not saying let him take him right off but I would allow a visit and set up certain day and time he can visit for couple weeks to let them get to know each other take it slowly but do not shut that door let him choose on his own time
Why would he be taken away…? I personally would make him pay child support and see how dependable he is at that and than after six months we would talk about supervised visitation
My dad was a here and there parent. My mom didn’t like it but I’m thankful that she did allow me to see him when he felt like being a parent. I didn’t really know him either but even as a kid I cherished the time we did get together and even more so as an adult now. But its ultimately up to you
In my opinion, you would never want your child to know that you ever had anything to do with his Dad not being able to see him. Period. That’s what I told my daughter. If he ever wants to see him, never ever turn him down.
I can’t believe they told you to close the case. If he is going to be absent and hurt your child like this he shouldn’t be allowed to just get away. Let that child support rack up and he can suffer any consequences.
Idk girl. Personally if he has a history of flaking, nah. He had his chance. If he REALLY wants to see his child, I’d set up a parenting plan first. Make him walk the walk. Start off slow with a gradual “break in period” of day visits with you around at the park or a neutral place. Once that’s going well and he’s actually showing up and being consistent, take him to dads for a day date every other week or so, then POSSIBLY set up overnights.
Why would child support tell you to close the case? He is responsible for helping raise the child he helped create.
In my opinion people grow up and realize what they are missing… sounds like he’s apart of his other kids lives and he wants to be part of your sons as well… I would give it a shot.
It seems you’ve already given him multiple chances and opportunities and he has always dropped the ball. I wouldn’t because history has proven time and time again that he is unreliable and inconsistent which will only hurt your son, however IF you decide to give it one more shot, do not introduce him as his father, and you need to stick around to supervise the visit. Insist on meeting at a park where he can ingage with him but not overly bombard him with attention. Do this for several months. You son is young enough to not really question why you didn’t mention he was his father at first. Let your son get a feel for him
I think every child should get to know their parents. That being said how bout y’all meet at a park or something and U stay with your son for the visit and go from there. U never know the man could have changed over the years. His making an effort now, stop living in the past. Blessings on ya journey whatever U decide to do in the best interest of the child.
Give him the option children understand more than we think maybe ask him and see what he thinks
My son’s sperm donor contacted me once when he was 6 months old, yelled at me on the phone about taking me to court until i hung up on him, and he hasn’t contacted me since. I suppose its a bit different than your situation, since you’ve at least had some contact with him, even if your son hasnt, but in my situation or yours, there is no way in hell I’d let him see my son after all this time. He has had years to try to have a relationship with him, and you even gave him plenty of opportunities to, but he couldn’t be bothered. What makes this time different? Your son has all the love he needs, and will be better off without some man coming in and out of his life. Its his loss, not your sons.
MAKE HIM EARN IT! you said you don’t trust him and fair enough. my sons bio has met him once. if he was to ever come back and ask to see his son, it would be supervised visits for atleast a year. you can’t let your son go to a complete stranger,
if you don’t allow it your son could blame you for his dad not being around.
but they need to know eachother first. because he is a stranger. but id be making sure I have legal full custody of my child before that.
If I was you I wouldn’t do anything to help the father let him and his family be the ones who has to do the efforts and if they don’t then don’t worry about them cuz by now you have been the mother and the father I’m pretty sure so I would keep it that way I sure wouldn’t let him go with somebody that he don’t even know is his daddy I feel for you because I had two kids it was done the same way by their fathers they would see my daughter going out to the road when she heard them coming and they would speed up and leave her standing in the road she’s 30 now my son’s daddy just never come back around till this day and he’s 32 just some things you can’t fix and this sounds like one of them
Contact an attorney,. There is no reason why he gets to suddenly play daddy - without owning up to ALL the responsibilities of a daddy: reliability, counting (to introduce the child and enforce parenting classes - just because he has other kids doesn’t mean he is a good parent- and for his financial responsibilities. Once you have this lined up, let the court track it.
Appalled that child support would tell you to close the case. Bottom line is he owes and always will, reopen that sucker. If your Son wants to go, let him, if he doesn’t screw the dead beat, close the book and open a new chapter.
You can make arrangements and not tell your son about them so he’s not disappointed if dad doesn’t show up. My older kids dad had times when he would go ghost for 3-6 months at a time but whenever he called for the kids I let them see him. They now understand what kind of parent he is & they know what to expect from who.
Talk directly to the father and ask what his intentions are if he genuinely wants to know and help to be with his son then it wouldn’t be right for you to stop that. If you do stop the relationship without speaking with the father first you are risking your son growing up and contacting him only to find out you wouldn’t let him know his father. Then you will be the “bad guy”!
So If it were me I would have a proper chat with the father and let him know consequences of seeing his son at this age and his responsibilities. He can’t just walk away from him this time. And if it fails your son will remember and atleast you tried to do the right thing. If your son had a voice like we all would we would likely want to know who our parents are and have a relationship with them and make the decision for ourselves. You might hate him but your son wouldn’t so try keep your feeling aside and let your son make his own mind up.
If the father fails again atleast you tried and your son will understand eventually.
There are mediation services also where the estranged parent gets supervised visits to protect the child and remain neutral so the parents don’t have conflict infront of the child.
Talk to Dad see what his plans are, talk to your child to see their feelings. I stopped my son from seeing his Dad and in the end my son had issues with me for doing it.
I wouldn’t. If his dad is serious about coming back into his life, he can make visitation arrangements, ON PAPER.
I would start with supervised visits for the purpose that your son doesn’t know him.
Sounds like you dealt with someone lazy at child support. There is no way in hell they should have told you to not file.
I took my kids aways from her father best thing I could ever do for her
If dad reached out I’d say it’s worth a shot. Sometimes people grow and change. But I’d also take the route of protecting you and your son. Have some sort of visitation arrangement drawn up on paper and make it clear that if he violates that’s the end of it. He doesn’t get an automatic right to access your son at this point. He has to prove and earn both your trust. At this point I wouldn’t really include your son until it’s absolutely guaranteed to happen. And even then I’d likely make an agreement where you are present for the first few visitations at least. Because regardless of whether or not he’s your sons father he’s still a stranger to him right now. I hope it all works out for you both!
Wtf, March your butt down to that office and get a supervisor In front of you. If he wants to see him he can go through an advocate of the court he doesn’t need to contact you
No. The father chooses to stay out of the child’s life for a reason. Sounds like things were too toxic and he chose to fall back for the best interest of everyone. I could be wrong, but whatever the reasons may be, respect that. He is aware that he has a child out there that he isn’t seeing and has no relationship with. If he felt it was best to pursue a relationship with the child, he would have. Don’t feel torn and acknowledge that your son has you. When your son is older, if he chooses to reach out to his father, respect that. But let it be your sons choice when he gets older. In the meantime, focus on you and your son. Look forward and don’t look back!
I’d tell him to meet you someplace and then not go. See how he likes it. Chances are he wouldn’t show anyway.
OK, that’s petty. Tell him to get a lawyer & file if he wants to see his son. Chances are he’s too lazy & cheap to do so. Problem solved. Maybe choose to be out of the house with your boy for that time just in case.
Absolutely not! Inconsistency with a father in a boys life is more detrimental than not. Actually any child but a boy needs their father and a bad one could teach your child some horrible things and his behavior could make a complete 360. Especially if the father hasnt even attempted ta make things right. Its his responsibility to show you he wants a relationship with his son not the other way around.
You can file a parenting plan
I highly doubt your son will be taken away and also I would go thru the court system then if he doesn’t follow thru with a court order then you can look at terminating his rights
Let him meet him as just a friend of yours and let them get to each other then later when he proves he wants to a real dad tell him the truth
Your son will be affected whether his dad shows up or not. If his dad is willing to see him let him go for the day, not a weekend. Your son will at least grow up knowing his dad tried (with little effort) but he still gets to see him. Unfortunately we moms, the ones that are always there, end up being the bad guy and the dads will only hide behind “I didn’t go see you because your mom didn’t let me”.
As someone who’s tried working with someone very similar to your kids father, I say go with your gut and protect your baby,
My daughter is so emotional wrecked from seeing her father off and on over the last year that she is needing therapy and such, my bd has in the past reached out and pretended but when the time came he saw once and left for several weeks then did it again
I had even tried the child support and parenting plan route but the child support was set at 60$ a month(doesn’t pay) and he continued the parenting plan but never followed through so it was never finalized.
Ultimately its a decision for you and you alone, if you do decided to let him see your kid I suggest putting a parenting plan in place first.
I’m in the same boat only my son is almost 3. It’s really a blessing in disguise and best for the child. They deserve a happy healthy childhood.
In all honesty let him prove to u that he’s ready to step up now but by taking it to court & doing all the things he’ll need to do…
Childsupport told you to close the case??? That sounds weird. If he wants to be involved he needs to be consistent… the money in my opinion is irrelevant but the being there is what matters he needs to decide of he is going to be there or not if he drops out again be done for good no kid needs an on again off again parent screw that
Give your son all the details and ask him if he was to see his dad, you really wouldn’t want to be in the position when he is older that he had the chance to know his dad but you denied it( regardless of the reasons ) hope it pans out
Trust your instincts
I guess I’m missing something. Is the father now asking to see the child?
they never close child support cases unless the guy has died–you need to ask to speak to someone different at the office. They keep them open even if it takes years to collect. My ex did not pay support for years but after he inherited some money he had to pay the back support. If you get an attorney you can see if you can convince the father to sign off his parental rights in exchange for agreeing to drop all claim to child support. That would be the safest thing to do so he can’t keep going in and out of your son’s life. And to those who are skeptical–men have gotten custody of children when women have denied visitation no matter how horrible the father is so she does need to get an attorney if he is insisting on his “rights”.
I wouldn’t of close the child support. If he can make a baby he can pay for a baby. Just my opinion. If he wasn’t paying it they would put him in jail. Not sure why the foc would say that. I personally would keep the kid away from him though.
if wasnt in childs life when born i wouldnt bother now especially if you set up dates and nothing i wouldnt bother . try through courts take care of thhis
Inconsistent parents are toxic. If your son wants to meet him them for his sake I would let him but if dad is not going to be there it will only hurt your son more to have some on in and out of his life
Nope…your son does not have a swinging door in his heart and if this donor is not willing to be a full time dad then he can’t claim that title. You will just be sitting your child up for heartbreak if you let the dead beat donor mess with his head.
Here’s my advice, let him see him when he asks.
If your son finds out he wanted to see him and you didn’t let him, he will be hurt and hold animosity towards you for that. Either way, you risk him being hurt
If it were me, after a year or two, I’d file abandonment and seek sole custody.
So I deliberately kept my 17 year olds father out of her life. She was so angry, at 10 she wanted to know this man. To know for herself not just from anything I told her. I went through the channels and opened that door. She and I had a rocky relationship for a few years. She blamed me wanted to move in with him so on and so on. We got through it but we lost a lot of time to fights and tears. My 15 year old I left the door open he never made any attempt and still doesn’t. She has been to therapy, a brief stint where she blamed me and now just starts crying if you try to talk with her about it. The one question that always plaques her “what is so wrong with me that he doesn’t want anything to do with me. My answer is this I have spent more time holding her while she cried with lack of understanding and self hate and been able to give her that security that mama is always there no matter who else is. My oldest and I are still working on that, she has a sense of resentment for time lost with her father and I can’t blame her a bit. The only comfort I have ever been able to give her is that I was young and was making the best possible decision I could for her. I wish I could give her the comfort I gave my youngest. So if I could go back I would have left that door open as well so that it would not have compounded our relationship.
Don’t do it! I’ll tell you from personal experience. My ex husband and I split up in June 2016 when “our” daughter was 3. He made contact to see her for the first time 6 months later. He saw her, then disappeared. It was months before we heard from him again. He wanted to start seeing her. I said okay. He was to get her that weekend and Friday afternoon the excuses started as to why he couldn’t. When she asked for him and I told her he couldn’t come pick her up, it was hell for about a week, with her crying and asking for him. Repeat that about a dozen times over the next year. I finally put an end to it. I flat out told him no when he asked. Of course he called me every name in the book, but it didn’t matter because he wasn’t the one there, watching his child heartbroken over broken promises. It’s now been 5 years since he has seen her and my husband and I are going through the process of adoption. I PROMISE you that your son is better off with things the way they are. Besides the fact that his “father” is a stranger!
You can’t keep him away! If you try. You may lose him all together!
It’s going to hurt your son either way, let your son know his father for who and what he is, it will hurt less as he grows older and he’ll always knows who’s he can turn to… you
Ask for a supervised visit. Go along with your son. If u sense he is uncomfortable, leave. You are his only voice at his age. And making him go off with a stranger he doesn’t know will be overwhelming. Good luck
That’s where I’m at right now and NOPE .
As long as he take’s care of him and put’s his son first above all else I think ur son need’s his father in his life plus he"ll be happy, to have his Dad in his life too don’t keep ur son from seeing his father no matter what happened in ur relationship he’s his Dad let him have his rigth to spend,see his Dad don’t keep err p them apart Dad"s have the rigth to see,spend time with their kid’s as much as they want so let him his Daddy