My mother is a hateful person. She’s made it clear that she’s a racist/homophobic who has internalized misogynistic issues. She does this under the name of “being a Christian”. She does do a lot for my kids and does seem to genuinely love them, but I know that if one of them ended up being gay or with someone of another race, she would make her disapproval known and I just can’t have that. My question is, should I just cut contact completely and hurt my kids in the process? Or just limit contact? I’m so torn. I always feel so drained after we spend time with her, but my kids seem to love her a lot
31 Likes
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I limit contact with my mother over her views?
Do you want your kids to think that these traits are okay? I’m really confused about why this is even a question. Stay at Home Moms 
Cut contact. Ur kids can learn why that behavior will never be acceptable. She clearly can’t.
Just wait and let her shoot herself. You kids won’t get it now
2 Likes
Give boundaries. Tell your mum you love her but do not agree with her views on that subject and that she needs to keep her comments to herself. If she’s great with the kids, don’t take that away. But let her k ow your boundaries and make sure you always stick up for your boundaries.
8 Likes
What? You want to cut contact right now, for something that may or may not happen in the future?
9 Likes
If she can’t respect boundaries, that would be a tough one. Not sure.
Toxic is toxic is toxic…absofuckinglutely cut ties
1 Like
If she’s really great with them and loves them keep her around. If and when that time comes they will be older and have an understanding that some ppl are just like that and u can’t listen to that non sense, tell her to shut up and stand your ground when and if that times comes
Limit contact forsure. Your mental health is way more important.
How old are your children? Remind her that in your home you welcome all types of people, and God tells us not to judge others and to love everyone.
You can still respect her views, but she also needs to respect yours.
Thank you for raising open minded and hearted children. The world needs more kindness and acceptance.
5 Likes
It’s your mother’s views not yours. When you are around her make it known to your kids that type of feelings aren’t ok. Teach them your mom’s views are only hers. As long as she is not intentionally hurting you or your children why would you take them away from her?
2 Likes
I gave plenty of toxic people chances and in the end I eventually cut them off anyway. My advice is always to skip the bs. 
That’s toxic and in the short and long run both, you’ll be doing yourself and your kids a favor. They love her because they’re children and they’re pure. You know the reality and it’s best not to expose your kids to someone like that, even if it’s family. It’s not easy, but in 2022, we aren’t tolerating intolerance at high levels. Ignoring these beliefs in people makes them think it’s ok and the only way to combat it is severe intolerance of intolerance.
2 Likes
Get her a gay porn subscription.
So long as she doesn’t try and influence your children I don’t see why you need to cut ties all together. You want to teach your children that you don’t associate with people who don’t share the same beliefs as you? It’s the world we live in.
1 Like
Why would you even consider hurting your children when you haven’t indicated that she discusses these subjects in front of them? Not to mention the fact that you have no idea what partner either of your children will choose in the future, or if this will ever even happen? Why would you take away a grandparent they clearly love, and who clearly loves them, over something that may never happen? It sounds to me like you’re the one with the problem.
6 Likes
I’m can’t tell you what to do, but setting clear and firm boundaries is always a good thing. If you accept hateful people in your life, what effect will that have on your children in the long run? Will THEY then accept friendships with racists? It sets a precedence for the future. I’m might limit your interactions with her and make it clear that she keeps her bigoted views to herself. If she crosses that line, then you have to make a decision. I personally do not knowingly allow bigots in my children’s lives because it goes against our family’s value system and I don’t ever want them to think those views are acceptable in any way.
1 Like
If it was ANYONE but your mother, would you allow this? You do not owe your mother. Either they kids hurt now, or they are around situations and talk that potentially can make them feel unloved or unwelcome. I hate when ppl say it, but its true… kids bounce back fast. And I believe they will grow to respect and appreciate the decision of cutting her off
2 Likes
She hasn’t actually done anything yet so just tell her not to push her views on your children and that in the future if one is gay or with someone from another race then she will have to respect that or will not be in your child’s life. Don’t just cut ties now. She is still your mother after all.
6 Likes
If you turned out to be any of those things and youre mother didnt approve how would you have handled it
No, nopity, nope…NOPE. Not around my kids. That’s unfortunately learned behavior also and I definitely don’t want my children growing up with those kind of views. CUT HER OUT! 
1 Like
Maybe let your children decide what he or she wants to do IF the time comes.
You teach your children tolerance for all who are different or who hold different views.
This should include your mom.
Your Mom is from another generation. She was raised one way. It is not always easy to change. Be tolerant of her while expressing that you do not want your children to hear any intolerant talk.
If she says something, speak up gently but firmly that you don’t agree. And don’t want to hear it in your presence or that of your children.
Lead by example.
4 Likes
This is actually a really good opportunity to use it as a teaching tool and practice tolerance.
As your kids grow you can explain that we love Grandma because she’s our family and she’s nice to us and she is kind of to us. But even though she’s nice and kind to us, she’s still harbors hatred in her heart towards others. This hatred is unjustified because it’s based on their appearance or who they love and in this family we don’t do that. I think it would be harmful to all involved to completely end a relationship unless she starts treating you or the kids poorly. You can show the kids how to behave and feel about the world and also how to deal with a person who is prejudiced. If you think about it, she literally raised you and you came out not prejudiced. In the meantime it’s definitely hard to teach Old dogs new tricks but I have seen so many inspirational stories of very racist people who changed their views after they had a grandchild born biracial or come out as gay etc… Perhaps even just small loving interactions with the grandkids could soften her heart if they explained that they love everyone. Remember, Jesus will come to judge the living and the dead… it doesn’t say anywhere in the Bible that we should do it till he gets back. Maybe point that out to her. Ultimately if you’re going to cut her off, you’re going to cut her off… but I would personally rather show my children that regardless of how others think or speak, THEY can be a strong person and stand proud in their own beliefs.
7 Likes
I dont understand… Because I didn’t realize God left someone else in charge??? You are supposed to love all of God’s children. REGARDLESS OF THEIR RACE, BELIEFS OR WHO THEY LOVE OR ANYTHING ELSE. Alot of older people are set in their ways. Which is fine BUT stand your ground for your children. And let her know that it’s not ok and that’s not how you are raising your children. Talk to your mom about how you feel. She loves those babies and you.
1 Like
Just have well established boundaries at this point. She may even soften and change over time as her grandchildren grow.
If she was harmful in any way towards the children then absolutely cut ties but if that’s not occurring just make it known that you do not hold the same beliefs and will raise your kids as you wish to. Set the expectations on what’s okay and what’s not. If she cannot respect those boundaries then yeh, it’s time to revisit this
1 Like
I would say that the only way that racism/homophobia dies out is for children to not be influenced by elders. So when she is with your children she is to keep her opinions to herself.
1 Like
She doesn’t genuinely love them if them being lgbt is enough for her to disapprove 
People often use religion as an excuse for their homophobia. Maybe point out that the bible also says woman who birth boys are dirty, or eating she’ll fish is a sin or wearing a mix of materials, having your hair cut etx. Does she do those things?
1 Like
I think hav a talk with ur mother about wat u don’t want spoken around ur children n tht she needs to respect u as a mother n not speak HER BELIEFS to ur children becoz they r not ur beliefs n u DO NOT WANT them to b ur children’s n if she can’t respect tht then limit or you be around at all times at visits with ur mother…
For your own mental health: yes, you absolutely should avoid her whenever possible.
She does a lot for your children and genuinely loves them , yet you’re willing to hurt your children now (not sure their ages or how attached they are to their grandmother) because of her personal views that you don’t agree with ? You’ll come across a lot of toxic people in your lifetime, when it’s your mother tho I think you have to take responsibility in teaching your own children that her ways are not ok and to teach them what you’d like for them to learn. This is also part of teaching your children how to handle someone they come across in life that they don’t agree with. It’s called maturity. I could understand if she was nasty to your kids or didn’t love them. That’s different. In the meantime, have discussions with your mother about what she can or cannot discuss with your kids. When your kids go to school , they’ll be exposed to much worse and you won’t be able to cut everyone off In their life that you don’t agree with. You protect them by teaching them. Good luck with everything.
3 Likes
Mom needs to learn to keep her mouth to herself. People like her keep the Hate and Discontent going. I would tell her if she can’t follow that then she doesn’t get to see the kids.
1 Like
Damn. She didn’t even do anything
there are a lot of “ifs” attached to this post so why not wait until any situation arises before dealing with it? when the kids are old enough explain that not all folk are accepting everything about race, creed religion colour as maybe they are but Grandma happens to be one of these; If she is so unaccepting she might withdraw herself so you wont have to upset anyone x
4 Likes
I would be afraid she would try to teach them her ways and it being a total shit show when they grow up. It might be too late by then.
Instead of cutting contact over something that may or may not happen in the future, why not use it as a teaching opportunity to teach your kids that not everyone has the same values and beliefs and that it’s ok not to agree with people who are rude. Your mums values are not a reason to cut her from your life
I’ve been in both situations. My dad was abusive and we’d go 2 to 5 years without taking. I still lived him.
My son never really knew his grandpa. My girls did. I regret not seeing him more . When he hit cancer we got along better.
I was one holding his hand when he died. After he died I found out alot of things that made him abusive. I forgave him.
My oldest daughter is an emotional roller coaster. She takes her 3 kid a from family often. She’s bipolar. I understand that she’s ill. She kept her 13 yr old from her dad since birth. Her dad died 5 years ago and it hurt my granddaughter.
I have Parkinson’s. My other daughter is keeping my grandkids from me because her boyfriend of 2 years doesn’t like me. I’m very, well WAS extremely
bonded with her 11yr old. They lived here for most of his life.
They moved the day after Thanksgiving because her abusive bf didn’t like me.
I always called every morning when he didn’t live here to wake him up, he’d call me as soon as her got home EVERYDAY. Now I’m lucky to talk to him once week.
He’s not my grandsons and my granddaughters father. My daughter allows him to control us seeing them. It hurts me and the kids.
Try to understand that she may have a mental illness. Stay away but don’t keep the kids away from
her.
Ugh, it’s a sign that they have no integrity when people use their own religion to excuse to justify hate, and they obviously don’t care that Christ would not be telling you to hate others. You know that’s the opposite to loving everyone, no matter how different they are to you. Love thy neighbour isn’t about the white family next door, it’s about neighbours from further away than that. It’s not about the distance, it’s about the DIFFERENCE. It’s blasphemy to use the Lord to justify your own hate. And she is no Christian.
Abuse in the name of a religion is called religious abuse. There’s a guy on Seeking Sister Wife who told his wife that he read the Bible and found something that told him that God wanted him to have another wife. She wasn’t keen on it but he was saying recently that he was thinking about getting a divorce. So she ended up giving in.
1 Like
She isnt a Christian shes a Fake because Im a Christian & gays & What ever doesnt bother me
You obviously hear her saying hateful things and apparently she does it in front of your kids. How about calling her out on it?
Teach your children what’s right and wrong. Teach them the true nature of love then they will know it in their hearts and discuss these issues with them.
I get paid 0ver $ 125 per hour w0rking from h0me. I never thought l’d be able to do it but my colleague makes over $ 18980 a m0nth doing this and she convinced me to try. The p0ssibility with this is endless.
Start HERE… https://HighPay45.pages.dev
So you only care that your mother is a bigot & phobic because it might affect your children? I gots no advice for you except maybe you should look in the mirror and examine yourself if its ok with you so long as she doesn’t do it to your kids.
1 Like
Use this as a learning tool for your kids. Explain to them the old way of thinking and the new way of thinking. Tell them you will always be there to love and support them very much no matter what. I wouldn’t take away their Grandma but I would explain stuff to them ahead of time so they are prepared.
3 Likes
Is she hateful or do you just view it that way cuz you disagree? Seems to be alot of that lately. I have different views than some of my friends. I have friends of all different sorts. We all Gucci. There’s one specific viewpoint that doesnt work well with others n its not the one ya think. Imagine all colors, different religions, straight, lez, ghey, bi, trans, bein conservative n gettin along haha not too common these days but it is what it is
3 Likes
Well you made it very clear that she drains you when she’s visiting or y’all are visiting her but that your children absolutely love her. She raised you and you’re not a racist or bigot or prejudice or homophobic etc. If she hasnt outright done or said anything to your children when it comes to racism or homophobic views etc. Then I wouldn’t jump the gun just quite yet. You said you know she loves her grandchildren and that her grandchildren love her so I would continue to allow your children to see their grandmother and as the parent I would continue to supervise that by including myself in those visits that way you know what’s being said/taught/impressed upon your children etc etc.
Set boundaries that she isn’t to discuss any of that with your kids at any point, even if they get with someone she doesn’t approve of, that you will not tolerate it. I wouldn’t cut her out bc she’s entitled to her beliefs just as you are yours, but you can def set boundaries
Why would you cut her off now? You don’t know what the future holds for anyone and when the time comes, if the time comes, her grandchildren may be able to change her mind. I wouldn’t burn the bridge and the bond till she gives you a good reason. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. As long as she’s not pushing them on you and your family I think you should just let it go
1 Like
You haven’t cut contact for yourself… so it didn’t shape you into a hateful person? I wouldn’t worry about it. Your kids aren’t going to shape their opinion based off grandma who they see once and a while. Teach them well. And maybe they will correct her. 
if not and she says something hateful you correct her. You’re an adult now. Maybe she’ll grow up for the love of her grandchildren.
l Get paid over $116 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $15234 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
Go to This. https://DollarsBox571.pages.dev/
I’d cross the bridges when you come to them. Kids can learn a lot from their grandparents, as well as having a hell of a good time with them. Let her enjoy them while she can.
Ii cut lose family like that
l get paid over $180 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $17985 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
SEE MORE HERE…>> https://cashjobz7.vercel.app/
1 Like
Let me give you advice in the form of a story that is from my personal life.
My mother was a “good Christian women” went to church, read her Bible, feared God. Was upset because she felt I did not believe in God and that I was captured by the devil because my belief system felt it what not my place to judge and I had many LGBT friends. I tutored middle eastern students instead of turning them down for their evil ways (some where Muslims some where not.) And I went to school for psychology. (The anti Christian degree) mind you I graduated from a catholic university. (Shake my head) my mother was minuplative and stuck in her beliefs system so hard that she could get very mean. And she had no problem speaking her mind. Especially if it was against what she thought was the good lords word.
For reasons I won’t talk about because it still hurts to this day. I cut ties with her. My last words to her if she won’t apologize and admit she was wrong she could no longer see me or her grandson. And I walked away.
She died 2 years later this past December 12th from covid. After 2 years of no contact I drove like crazy to be by her side before she passed.
After 2 yrs of ignoring her, refusing her Facebook request and blocking her.
I had 5 minutes to say I’m sorry. I love you. I miss you. I was wrong.
To this day nearly a year after I truly lost my mother for good, I regret the choice I made in my anger and kept in my stubbornness. By the time I said goodbye. She could not see or speak. But she recognized my voice instantly and cried while squeezing my hand tightly. And every day all I can think of is the horrible thing I did to her in the last 2 yrs of her life. And every day I take what I learned and a carry it with me.
And now I want to pass it to you.
Do not give up on your mother for something she believes to be right just because you believe differently. Do whatever it takes to make meaningful memories because you don’t know how long you have to make them with that person. Compromise and keep your relationship. She is your mother. She carried you for 9 months, held you, cared for you, scared away the monsters when you where little. Kissed your boo boos when you get hurt. And ALWAYS remember she is a human too. She can misjudge, she can make mistakes, and you can not change her. She is who she is but she did get one thing right. She made you. She helped mold you into the person you are today. If anything love her for that and keep you distance if you want. But keep her in your life. Because if she died thinking she was a horrible mother. That’s your sin. And you will bare that cross forever. And let me tell you this. It is an extremely heavey cross.
12 Likes
People like this are illiterate & should be pitied. I’m not sure how so many people cannot comprehend the fact that a person who is gay didn’t choose to be gay, just like they didn’t choose to be straight. They are who they are & shouldn’t have to require any type of support, only respect. But if your Mom doesn’t bring your kids into it, I wouldn’t stop bringing them around her. She raised you & you didn’t turn out like a complete idiot.
1 Like
I would not stress yourself about it and just cross that intersection if it were to ever come out. Make sure your children know your views and and encourage open conversations with you as they grow. I will say grandparents learn just as much from the kids and the kids do the grandparents. Your mom having a very close bond to her grandkids with exposure to uncomfortable situations could possibly change her stance and mindset. How do you think we have changed our views in todays society? Exposure to uncomfortable topics.
2 Likes
Limit and separate that’s ignorant
I’ll just let things be.your kids love their grandma that’s what counts the most.
3 Likes
My ex mother in law went mad coz my 7 year old wanted a haircut and I did it…a Mohican lol 
miserable old cow…if she says don’t do it…do it…can’t stand miserable old people 
After quitting my previous job 6 months ago I was lucky to find out about this website which has been a life saver for me… They offer jobs that allow people to work online from home. My last paycheck after working for them for 4 months was $19,666… The amazing thing is that all that is required is basic typing skills and internet access…
Read all about it here…https://DollarProfitz73.pages.dev/
I’m so sorry, I had a mother like this too. Cut off toxicity
Do not take your kids away from their grandparent. It is a special relationship and they add so much love to their lives, your children world resent you for it. Just calmly explain to your mum that you don’t want her talking to your kids about those issues and let them enjoy their time with her.
3 Likes
She is set in her ways… Either you deal with her being like she is or walk away.Be there done that.
Tell her she can not be a christian with her attitude - -. ’
Many years ago (when my kids were young) - when we went to visit my parents my Dad often used the N word. We had (have) a number of African American (and other races) friends - so I told him that and I would appreciate him NOT using that word around us. And he said okay and was careful around them - he knew that he wanted to see his grands so made the good decision.
I’d cross them bridges when they come. I would not hurt my babies cause there happy. I’d give anything to have my momma here to love my babies with me.
The nature of extremist and intolerant mindsets is to not internalize but to export them, your childrens love for their grandmother is the danger, it only takes one example of her acting toxic in front of them and they begin to align with intolerance, take a stand now or watch her beliefs leap frog over you to your kids so they can take that crap further into the future
Is she influencing your children into her beliefs? If not, you are literally talking about removing a person that loves your children over hypothetical situations that may never even happen.
I limit contact with people like this as much as possible. Sometimes it’s hard with family but I still do my best. I’m also very open with my kids that those thoughts and views are gross and that isn’t how we are and that it’s 100 percent ok to tell those people that their words are gross when they say it in front of them. Doing my best to raise the change I want to see in the world.
1 Like
If she hit the kids, you’d have no qualm s about keeping your kids away from her.
If she similarly stands to harm them by instilling hateful views into them during their formative years then it should be just as much of a no-brainer