Should I talk to me ex's new girlfriend?

You guys I need help. I left my children’s father over a year ago because he was abusive towards me. I allowed 50/50 custody because despite him being a s*** boyfriend, he’s a good dad and loves the kids and the kids love going to spend the week with him. But my daughter has been coming home telling me that he’s mean to his girlfriend and that he calls her bad names and makes her cry all the time. She said that my son and her always hug her and give her kisses so she feels better. I’m livid. I blame myself for letting them go back into an abusive environment and now I don’t know what to do. I care so much about their dads girlfriend, she has been my coparent and she’s is so amazing with my kids. I can see how much they love her and she loves them. But knowing she’s going through the same thing I did and they’re watching it, it’s like I’ve done nothing to protect them. And that was my point in leaving. I’m putting my daughter in counseling so she can express herself freely, and so I have documentation of her words. I just feel so helpless and my anxiety is killing me. All I want is to protect them from everything and I don’t know how to in this situation. I also don’t want to upset their dads gf by bringing it up to her. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I talk to me ex's new girlfriend?

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I personally don’t think the gf should be the focus. Ur children are comforting an adult , thats the focus. Get ur children the help they need x

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better her than you, if she’s smart it won’t take her long to figure it out. Great example to teach his daughters that this is ok though……

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Tell the courts that your child is in therapy because ex is abusive to girlfriend in front of the children. Ask you hat he has supervised visitation

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Please don’t call him a good Dad…because if he does this, he is a bad Dad…

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Mind your business because you left him for a reason and she’s a grown woman who can make her own choices to stay or leave. Unless you go through the courts and can prove that he’s an unfit father he will still have rights to his children.

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He’s not a good day if that’s what he’s doing

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She might not understand what’s actually happening to her. Narcissist are good at that. I think you tell her. She’s a human being too and she doesn’t deserve abuse just as much as you and your children. Also get a lawyer and get those kids out of the toxicity.

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I’d call him out about it. Straight up tell him that this is reason you left his ass in the first place and that your kids seeing that shit is unacceptable and if you need to get the courts involved you will.

You know he had a history of abuse yet you let your kids around him to teach then that abuse is acceptable. You should tell the girlfriend to get out before it gets worse you also should rethink the custody and visitations. Until he gets counseling and learns to stop his abusive behavior your kids should only have supervised visitations with him .

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You have to stop the visits till he gets help…protect those kids…from experience it affects the kids badly!

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Well first off you should have some sort of evidence that he abused you too. That way she believes you and doesn’t think your a bitter baby momma. the way you said “allow 50/50” did rub me the wrong way tho… It wouldn’t hurt to reach out and tell her the things that your children said and show your support in the matter in helping her get out of that situation. I had an abusive ex and I messaged the girlfriend he had after me and told them about the same lies he told me and the abuse I endured. Good luck girl :relaxed::heart:

Do not do anything in front of him or it could end badly for this girl

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Invite the gf over to your place. Call it a girl’s day or something to stop your ex from going with. Your kids obviously love her too. So put both of them in therapy to help them, but on the girls day, talk to her since she’s obviously going threw his crap now. See in you can get her to write down what he does to her in front of your kids. And request full custody and no visitations because of how he’s abusive to other partners too. And that you don’t feel they are safe with him.

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Get an exparte hearing/order! Just go to the courts and file it as an emergency. Don’t let your kids go there. Ask for a guardian ad litem to be assigned ( they are advocates for the children and will talk to the children)

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These fucking people saying mind ur business is what is wrong with this world an abused person weather that be a child woman or man is all of our business and should be stood up for and protected. Talk to her talk a lawyer get his visits suspended or at least supervised. Him doing things like this in front of ur children is abuse of them aswell and should never be acceptable

Absolutely talk to her.

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Just because “you left him it’s not your business” like everyone says… doesn’t mean you can’t have compassion for this woman because you know how it feels. I would just let her know that if she needs anything you’re more then willing to listen. As for your children I’d tell the courts that your ex’s girlfriend is the one you coparent with and that the dad is abusive towards her in front of the kids and you’re not comfortable with that and that they’ve been put in therapy for it.

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I’d text her if it were me, & we were on good terms, & it seems like y’all are.

If she will talk to you go for it but be careful some of the girlfriends could get abusive

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Please go talk to a nice person,that good nowleeg

My husband an I divorced 2014 when our son was yr old an I got full custody no visitation. He found someone new right away. I kept my distance as IAS glad he was gone. But when she started seeking help because her dog was poisoned I knew!!! I reached out. She called me terrible names. I was a liar. I was jealous. I was a cheating cunt. I ruined his life. I took his child away from him an so on. An all I did was message an say hey I heard your dog has been getting sick a lot an needing surgeries and meds and just to let you know, he poisioned and killed my cat and few pet bunnies I had. So I let it go after she flipped out. Then few weeks later he asked her to get married October 5th (that was our wedding day and he picked that day). Fast forward 3 years she messaging me on fb apologizing for blowing me off. Her dog had died, her friends left her, he is becoming verbally abusive and scaring her physically. I said my piece, and moved on. She reached out asking how bad things really got. I gave her few bullet points and told her what to watch for. Been few more weeks and I hit the nail on the ad for his predicted behavior and she has child from previous relationship an I told her to g him fully checked because of her husband/my ex. His family/him made me out to bthe abuser, cheating whore an so on. Its up to you, but this was my experience.

He definitely isn’t a good dad if he is doing this with your kids there

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Wow…
This is heartbreaking!!! What a bad man. He might be partially a “good day”
But he is exposing his kids to a behaviors God forbid sticks with them abd ruins their er relationships

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I’ve kept my abusive ex on my Facebook friends list specifically to message any new girlfriends he has to let them know what trauma he put me through. Many don’t like it that I’ve messaged and I get abused by them, until they realise I’m telling them the truth and then they’re my new best friend. I have a few of them on my friends list now. I feel it’s my duty.

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She needs to make her own choice.

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If he is abusing his girlfriend in front of your kids he’s abusing them even if he doesn’t lay a hand on them.

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I would hint around, kinda let her know you are there if she needs to talk. Like ask her if she’s doing okay and is everything okay with him. That way you are letting her know you are there and you know what’s going on and have been thru it.

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As much as you like her your kids should not be in that environment. Your job is to protect your kids. She should not want that either.

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Offer her a place to escape to. Just help her get out! And for the love of God. STOP SENDING YOUR BABIES OVER TO HIS TOXIC HOUSE!!!

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Let her know what the kids are saying. Tell her you understand what’s she’s going through as you have been there and if she wants to talk you are there for her .

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it’s his habits he won’t change they go with him where ever he goes

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The kids come first. Just talk to her openly and honestly. Tell her how you feel about her too. Who knows maybe this will inspire her to leave, and y’all can stay friends. You never know! You need to talk to her though. She deserves someone in her life showing care and honesty.

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I would talk to her in person

Honestly, when I was in the heat of my abusive relationship, I needed nothing more than for someone to message me, open a line of communication that I could relate to and RELATE AND EMPHASIZE with me and my situation. Instead, everyone just turned their heads, ignored the bruises and when I tried to speak about it they turned their heads and refused to listen.
Looking back now, I’m very lucky to be alive today.

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You tell her everything she needs to know for her safety you document what your kids tell you. IF she chooses to ignore it then that’s on her but don’t turn a blind eye

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I would ask her to meet for coffee or something. Make sure she doesn’t tell him and yes have a very open conversation with her. Also I would not allow my children over there with this going on.

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Document everything and push for supervised visitation

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Domestic violence is child abuse. Please protect your children. Maybe share your experiences with the girlfriend and offer her support if she needs it.

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Please reach out to her. Offer to help her find resources & get help. Go with her to counseling if she needs you to. As far as your children talk to your daughters counselor. See if s/he would testify in court.

Just a warning…therapists are mandated reporters. If your daughter goes in there and states that they are present when he is abusing her, the therapist is required by law to report it to cps. It would probably be best to try to get a custody modification in family court. You do not want CPS involved.

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The root cause of all this is him. Nothings going to change unless he’s pulled up about his crappy behaviour. He’s getting away with it so he’ll keep doing it. I’d work with her to both report him and make him accountable otherwise he’s being enabled by everyone around him who’s tolerating it.

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U really need to sit and have a talk wit the gf whether u want to or not. U broke up for that very reason and yet ur baby daddy is continuing the abuse wit other women infront of ur children showing them it’s ok to abuse the 1 u say u love and u know that’s wrong

I say co parent with her and both ditch the guy.

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If you really think you can bring it up without trouble from her then do it. But if she turns on you they could try to turn it around on you and cause more trouble. Just be becareful, for you… because they need their mom!

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As a DV Survivor with kids involved my best suggestion is to let the girlfriend know that you’re always available if she ever needs to talk. Don’t force onto her everything you went through but tell her she’s not alone. You can tell her what the children are saying if you’d like but chances are she may deny the claims because that’s what we as victims do. We choose to stay out of fear for ourselves and our children’s lives because even when we leave the abuse can still happen. I have experience in this and it’s not a fun battle.
I’d take the time to reach out occasionally and just ask how she’s doing, show that you care about her and what not. Eventually she may open up. Trauma bonding is a serious thing.
On another note he is not a good father of he is doing this in front of them I don’t care what people say, he is showing your children that abuse is ok and acceptable when it’s not. You don’t want your kid’s learning that, especially your daughter. Definitely put the children in therapy both if you can, even at a young age a child can still be seen. You will probably want to look into trauma therapy depending on just how much they have seen, if they’ve seen him hit her they will have trauma from that. As a therapist they’re mandatory reporters so you will need to take that into consideration when you want your daughter to open up, this may involve cps later on (not to scare you) and they’re not always there to help you. I only say this because I went through this and it was hell. I’m definitely not saying to not have her tell the therapist things because your do want her too.
You may also want to go into the parenting plan and make modifications, he shouldn’t have 50/50 when he’s still showing abusive signs, the last thing your want is him to take it out on the kid’s. And don’t ever say he won’t, I did and my child suffered from my actions.
If you want to talk more you’re more than welcome to pm me and I can give you ask the advice I can.

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You need to have a conversation with this women. Try to talk to her in person so that he doesn’t read the convos over social media or text.

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I stopped reading halfway through. He’s NOT a good dad if your kids are witness to this behavior.
She apparently already know who he is. I’d worry about my children first!!

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Get professional advice. Quick

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Be her friend and guide her her put of that she domt deserve that and neither do your kids … I’d probably stop allowing the kids to go so often

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Tell her…
But I’m sure she knows from experience…
Offer her a safe place to stay till she’s on her feet…up to her if she takes it…
Get your kids out of that situation…teaching them it’s ok to abuse women

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Your kids shouldn’t be around that at all.

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Tell your ex point blank this is why you left and you have no intention to allow your kids to experience this abuse. He must choose to change how he handles himself around his kids or he wont be around his kids .

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I was in this situation. I talked to the gf and she left and went back again. I feel I did my part because I spoke truth and hope to her. I put the ball in her court. What she did/does with the truth, help & support is on her.
Reach out, talk to her, offer guidance, help & support. Whatever she does with It is up to her. At least you will know that you did your part to help. You can only help those who want it.
As for your kids, they should not have to pick up the pieces their father has shattered. I would talk to a lawyer & see what can be done. Your kids dont deserve to witness these things and pick up the pieces.

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Talk to her save her let her stay with u that’s what I’d do

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You have such a big heart! If she is having trouble and is apart of your kids lives then yes. You should absolutely talk to her!!! Make an invite for a coffee/walk, don’t be too blunt with questions…just listen to her and let her know you’re there for her. The smallest gestures make a huge impact. Take this guy down. He should not be treating women this way… especially in front of your children.

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Court order for custody/visitation? If not, Don’t send them back til you speak to a lawyer. Document anything and everything. I’d reach out to her and let her know you’re a phone call away if she needs to talk. ALSO he is NOT a good dad if he’s letting his children see this

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Focus on removing your kids from that environment first!

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Open the door for the conversation…let her know it was what you dealt with too and you understand. She may not be ready to talk yet but hopefully she’ll take it to heart that she can.

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Talk to her and help her however you can. Have your kids tell the counselor what’s going on and the counselor has to report any kind of abuse they are witnessing. File for an emergency modification and protect your babies from further damage. My son experienced the same thing and I fought to get him out of there and free from any and all abuse either towards him or what he was witnessing his dad do to his new wife. He has been free and away from it since the end of May and he is never going back. He is much happier and feels so much safer and is getting the help he desperately needs.

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You say he’s a good father. No… He’s not. He’s verbally abusing his girlfriend in front of his kids, as he did you. He’s not a good man.
Yes, talk to her. You don’t need to go into detail, just let her know that you’re there for her.

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Go for full custody and document all of this. Leave the girlfriend out of it because she most likely wont hear you out anyway. My sons dad did horrible things to me and his new gf has went through it too but i keep my mouth shut because love is blind. You can warn her and tell her til your blue in the face but she will find any reason to stay because she loves that man.

I didn’t get passed shit boyfriend good dad. Doesn’t make sense. He’s literally abusing women in front of children. He is a scumbag. I think you still have denial issues also imo. Stop sending your kids there and see if he fights to get them. Don’t be scared to stand up for yourself your children and also the women he is abusing.

Protect the kids and anything else comes after.

Not much you can do. I’ve tried befriending my ex husbands new wife n every ex gf he’s had before her n after me n it was all a lost fkn cause. They don’t care what we have to say cuz we’re the ex. N even after going thru some shit they still don’t care what we have to say

You’re going to be friends with this woman after she wises up and leaves the dirtbag, hopefully before she has a baby with him. Tell her how much you and your children care about and appreciate her and then tell her you’re concerned about her and you’re concerned about the kids witnessing what you tried to prevent them from witnessing by leaving.

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You already know that she won’t leave until she’s ready. Breach the subject with her lightly. Just tell her the kids mentioned a big fight and see how she handles it. She may open up. If not assure her you are there if she needs you. As for your kids it’s sticky situation. If you have court ordered visitation you will have to file a motion with the court to not be held in contempt. Document everything you can

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Work on getting full custody of your kids. That should be your first concern. Hire a lawyer

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Talk to the court and ask if a leason from the court could do visits when children are there.

You need to remove your kids from that situation asap and put in court papers for full custody if you like the gf allow her by the kids under your circumstances

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I’d probably just tell his gf that your kids have expressed concern for her being upset and that you just want her to know you’re there for her if she needs anything.
As far as how to handle the kids, it sounds like you’re doing the best you can. Record everything and bring it to court to get full custody.

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Talk to her. I did the same with my ex’s gf and she broke up with him although it took time and we are good friends now. You know what she is going through and she might not have anyone that understands.

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If you do decide to talk to her and would like her to be around your kids even if her and your are no long together I would let her know that she can still be a part of their lives. Many people stay in abusive situations because they love their partners kids and they don’t want to leave them

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Maybe start off with a gesture of appreciation for being a good stepmom and then open up about what the kids have said and your past with their dad and let it flow. I think this is something that needs to be addressed with the father so he can be aware of how it’s affecting his kids. If he is a good dad, he will take that to heart and not want to expose them to any further toxicity. Let him know how serious you are taking this and you have put his child in counseling. Let him know that they are also mandated reporters should your daughter say anything too sketchy, he will be reported. Good luck mama, sucks to be in that kind of drama. :pensive:

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Oh man. If they do break up, you can always stay in touch with the gf. You can drop hints about getting out of there to her. I have goose bumps. I’m so sorry

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This is why my ex has to come to my house to see the kids because I know what he’s like behind close doors towards he’s partners. Even when he’s family wants to ignore it.

I have put my foot down and said that if he wants to see the kids he can visit them at mine with my supervision because it’s the only way to protect the kids from seeing it. I sometimes drive them to my ex’s Mums house or to he’s other family members but, they never leave my supervision.

Least she is good to your kids and honestly since she is there and a good person I would feel better having my kids alone with there dad when u ain’t around just be nice to her. I would also not say anything to her its there relationship :white_heart: you are already doing your part as a good mom.

Can you have a conversation with him & tell him he’s showing his daughter that it’s okay to be treated the way he’s treating women? Would he want a man treating his daughter the way he treats women?

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Honestly my boyfriends ex girl tried and tried to tell me. And we got along so good like so perfectly. Could of been best friends really… But I didn’t want to believe her.

Bring it up to her, please.

Sounds like Earl needs some black eye peas. :woman_shrugging::rofl:

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Protect your kids first off cut the visitation he needs to learn his lesson to stop or he won’t. From experience they will walk all over you if you let the abuser she has to want to leave and put her foot down. Get your kids outta there your daughter will grow up thinking its ok and your son will repeat what he sees.

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It’s a hard situation to be in period. BUT as a parent it’s our JOB to protect our children! I would tell her what an amazing step mom she is, and how thankful you are for her and she can always have a relationship with your kids, as far as your babies being subjected to that needs to STOP!

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Get your kids out first of all. Try to get documentation of everything. It the only way to prove yourself. Record your kids telling you about the about the abuse without them knowing. It can’t look coached in any way. Regardless of how he treats the kids, him treating women that he is supposed to care about like crap is not okay. They cannot learn to accept this behavior, or it will become apart of who they are or who they will accept. You see a pattern and it needs to end. Follow through. Get yourself and your children counseling, most of all. The fact that you say your don’t know what to do says a lot. Don’t let your kids think that it’s okay. Please.

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Your obligation and protection is for your kids no matter what first and foremost - stop the visitations and after you secure that situation reach a helping hand out to the gf bc she needs all the help she can get and to know that she isn’t alone in the situation and that the visits didn’t stop bc of her but bc of the abuse they were seeing giving to her from their dad hang in there you aren’t the bad person here - save your children from unnecessary trauma and save a good person from the same thing as well - good luck.

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Ask the gf to spend a day with you and the kids, but have the kids go to grandparents or a baby sitter or other trusted adult for a while so you and her can have some time to talk about it all. She may be feeling really alone and probably needs someone to talk to. Tell her you appreciate her and try to help her figure out what she can do to get herself into a safe place. Even tho he hasn’t been abusive towards your kids doesn’t mean that him being abusive to other people in front of them is any better. You should definitely document everything and go back to court for full custody and maybe supervised visitations for him

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I do believe and I could be wrong….that what he is doing is considered subjecting children to abuse and that is against the law. I think until he gets help he needs supervised visits.

As far as the girlfriend there is no reason for your kids to lose her if they ever break up. Be her friend, cautiously.

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And did the kids go back to that environment? … If it was me , my kids was loooong gonnnee . I would have ask for a parental meeting incl the GF . i will not be able to sleep knowing my children can be the next vicitm . Ill rock that jump suit .

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Steal her from him and y’all raise your babies without having scum bring y’all down.

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You need to protect your kids first good dad or not he’s abusive & they should not be around that behaviour at all :raised_hands:

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Just mention it to her, just tell her the kids told you how mean he was to her bc they care about her. And let her know you are there if she needs anything.

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I feel like I’ve seen this question before.

First off you should be more worried for your kids than his gf. Take the kids out of his home if he cannot be a productive, healthy image for his kids.

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Talk to her. You may be what she needs to take the step to get help. Please don’t egnore it. Bring up to him that your children are witnessing his BSh*t & that if need be & if it doesn’t stop you will be taking it further.

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It’s not healthy the kids seeing any kind of abuse…

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Take him back to court and get full custody. How can you knowingly put your kids through that, that’s abuse in itself. Sounds like your ex doesn’t deserve any woman as he consistently seems to be abusive toward women. Do you want your children to think it’s okay to be abused by a man and their Dad no less. Get those kids out of there.

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Have her record that stuff and take notes. Have her go with you to court and get the rights taken from him. If he does that then your kids will think that’s okay… So no, he isn’t a good father. He is teaching them that is okay to do.

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Agreed with Jasia Bhd get the girlfriend help too women help other women out. You got to ask yourself will your ex start abusing your daughter when she gets older. He has women issues. I had a good friend leave her husband, she left out of state. No one knows where she is. It’s that serious. I hate abusers.

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Get your kids out of that environment. His girlfriend is a big girl she’ll leave when the time is right for her just as you did

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Make supervision visitation at a centre

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