My grandpa passed away last week due to covid. Neither I nor any of my siblings were allowed to go visit him; we were told he was doing really well, and then next thing we knew, he had passed away. They had his memorial service today, and we were all told that the church it was being held in has a rule of only a few people could attend; so it was supposed to be my mom, 2 uncles, and grandma. I called my mom crying this morning because I had a dream about my grandpa last night and found out that while me and my two sisters and little brother were told nobody else was allowed to go, all of my cousins and their SOs were attending in person. And the excuse was “they are local and don’t have kids” when we all live equal distance. None of my other siblings know yet, and it’ll be at LEAST a couple of days before they get around to sending us the video of the service since they didn’t do a zoom video for us. I don’t want to tell them because I know that my mom needs her time to grieve without worrying about making us more upset than we are, but at the same time I don’t want my siblings blindsided by us being the only family members left out and assumedly not invited to our grandpa’s memorial service. Any advice??
Who made the funeral arrangements?
I would tell them cause it wasn’t right that your mom had none of her kids there
Praying for your strength. Bit, fuck them all. Now you know how they are.
I’m so sorry for your lost . My deepest sympathy to you and family . I’m very sure you have lots of memories of your grandpa cherished those memories make a journal of times spent with him or make an albums of your time with him . Pray for him and I know you’re hurting but time heals and as I said relive the moments you spent with him . Memories will be with you for a lifetime cherish it . My thoughts and prayers are with you and family
Hold on to your memories they can not take them away from you
I would tell them. You all should have your chance to grieve and you and your siblings lost part of that. If it was me, i would want to know. Im so sorry for your loss.
Just think of how you would feel if your siblings knew and didn’t tell you. They’re going to find out anyway. I’m sorry for your loss and that you weren’t able to attend his funeral service. Prayers for your family
Oh I would have already told my siblings and we would be plotting!
Um your moms grief is no excuse for this behavior
It would all depend on who made the arrangements. If the church is only allowing so many people, it’s understandable that those who made and paid for the arrangements would take priority, and those who were caring for them.
My grandfather also was in the hospital for covid and phnuemonia and 2 heart attacks. He was fine and talking and asking to go home and then just died the next day. We were also told we couldnt go see him but after he died we learned his son was with him when he passed. We are glad he wasnt alone but wish we could have had the chance as well.
Wow , tell your siblings but keep your cool in honor of your grandfather as he would not want his passing to cause strife. Is your grandmother still alive if so it could affect her as well . You guys should get together and have your own thing and find a way to honor him and rise above the petty family members.
Sorry, but what happened was BS. Tell them. If not you will end up being the bad guy.
Hold your own memorial service and pay respect your own way. My father (R.I.P), my mother and I were left out of my grandmother’s arrangements even though I was the one helping my Aunty care for her not just in her final moments but also in life. I visited her in the nursing home and spoke to her every weekend yet my aunts and uncle (not including my Aunty that cared for her because she was too grief stricken and I was with her) excluding me. My mother was so mad and shaking I told her not worry because in life we know in our hearts she loved us and they were feeling guilt for not being there at all for her. I was always her favorite granddaughter because I never asked her for money and just spent time with her.
Tell your siblings! Make arrangements and celebrate your grandfather’s life. Take out an ad in the paper in his memory.
My condolences, Oh that is sad, if someone did that to me, I’d be so angry. I would tell them so their not blind sided. I know you can’t go back and see it. But I’d definitely be telling those who didn’t invite or make other arrangements a piece of my mind. Honor your grandfather in your own way. Good luck… your in my thoughts and prayers
You have my deepest sympathy. I would get you mom, and your siblings together and explain to them while your mother is there what took place and how hurt you all were. BUT MAKE SURE YOU VIDEO RECORD IT SOMEHOW SO THREST OF THE FAMILY CAN SEE IT AND YOU AND YOUR SIBLINGS LEAVE YOUR MEMORIES ON THE VIDEO AND THEN GIVE THEM A PIECE OF YOUR MINDS AT THE END. Then if they try to contact you to apologize, tell them thank you. KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS IN THE END…
Pray and forgive sometimes people just don’t think.
What would telling them do? You say it would be so they aren’t blind sided… but either way when they watch the video of his funeral they are going to be pissed off… whether they knew ahead of time or not. And if your siblings are like mine… when I tell them something that pisses them off they call mom… your mom deserves to grieve without the drama. No matter what you do it won’t change the fact that he is gone or that you guys weren’t there. But you know your family better than I. Best of luck and I’m sorry for your loss
Tell them. You’re all adults, I’m assuming. But if your grandfather died of Covid, why would you wanna risk the health and well being of your children and yourself by attending a funeral for someone that died because of it? Now I know it’s hard being that it was your grandfather but he is gone now. You have to be there for your family. You can’t do that from a hospital bed or in a grave if, God forbid, you were to get sick too…
My condolences to you & your family. I immediately would have told my siblings. Looks like the next time we seen each other it was going to be an issue! They would attending their own funeral next! JK
I would tell my siblings but let them know that u want 2 make things easier on ur mom. It might help join u 2gether mentally b2 cope and grieve. If your siblings don’t know b4 hand it could make grieving harder on your mother
I would tell them. He was just as much your grandfather as he was your cousins. It was a bs excuse as to why you could be there. I’d be pissed.
Your mother should have had her children there for her support . So very sorry for your loss
That is so messed up! They couldve at least let y’all go in and see him and say your goodbyes, that is not right at all and if it was me i still wouldve gone allowed or not but that’s just me. No one will rob me of saying goodbye to anyone I love.
I am so sorry for your loss and that you and your siblings were treated like that, makes me mad because that’s just not right, I dont understand how people can act like that when they just lost a loved one.
Have your own funeral with your siblings for him.
Uh wait a sec- you said it was a dream? Im confused
In remembrance of your grandfather the thing you can do during this sad time is to keep peace in the family. Perhaps you can get together with your siblings to remember some of times you spent with him, things that you hold dear about him❣️ My condolences to you and your family during this time. God bless you❤️
You know this happened from a dream? I don’t really understand… accept my condolences.
I’m really sorry for your lose but I would be livid. The only time I would be okay with someone else going and not myself in this situation is if they were closer to him, spent more time making sure he was okay, calling him. If you were all close then I would be really cross that they were allowed to take their partners. It should have been no partners and just you grandkids xx
My my husband lost his grandma Nov. 30th. Only 10 people were able to attend the funeral and the rest of us had to attend via Skype… It was definitely hard.
Who said you were not allowed to go?? I think that was messed up of them to say only a few people could go and then a bunch of your family was there. It seems like they are hiding something.
If I were you, I’d take a step back. You’re all grieving which makes your emotions a little crazier. Yes, you have absolutely every right in the world to be upset and angry. But, maybe take a moment to think about being in a global pandemic…if the funeral home set their own limits on the amount of people aloud, your grandmother and her children may have very well said “well it’s safer for so and so to come because they have no children that run the risk of getting sick” or something along those lines, in the state they’re in, not even thinking about how that would make you and your siblings feel. Losing your parent or husband, especially due to something like COVID is a heart wrenching loss, they may have no realized what they did. If I were you, instead of going in extremely hot, I’d try to talk to your mother and grandmother about how that made you feel and find out their reasoning behind it. If they’re able to gather a straight head and realize their HUGE mess up you should all be able to talk it out. If anything other wise, you do have every right to flip the table and pop off. My family has gotten into many of unnecessary fights surrounding peoples passings, all of which could’ve been avoided if everyone took a step back and thought about everything from everyone’s point of view
I would just let this go. Yaa it sucks, but what really are you going to do about it? What would make it better?
Causing any kind of scene or conflict isn’t going to help anybody. Let it go.
It’s your grandfather as well. Go to the funeral, wear a mask. The only reason that it would be acceptable in any other way would be if your cousins are much closer to him than you and your siblings and it’s limited seating.
I would tell them obviously you can’t do anything about it but eventually they’ll find out and you knowing and not telling them will probably make them feel some type of way
Shocking hun limits are set yes but that’s shocking why are they favourite over you and your siblings, heartbreaking xxxxxxc
Please tell them. Don’t keep this to yourself thinking you will hurt them with the truth is better to say it. Please tell them the truth they have the right to know as well.
I would tell them because it’s better coming from you and it would be worse if they find out from someone else. Also if they find out you knew and didn’t tell them I think would be more upsetting. Just be honest
I would definitely tell them and let the pieces fall as they may.
That’s a hard one because you would want to tell them so they don’t get blindsided but at the same time people are mourning his loss and you don’t want to cause any more stress or issues
I’m sooo sorry that happened. If it was so limited, I’d understand if the SO’s had to stay home so that the blood relatives could attend without the children, as they’d be left home with one parent anyway. But they didn’t even make that an option for you, or have that discussion.
I would say to hold off from telling your mom so she can grieve without the added stress. You can tell your siblings if you think they can handle it without stressing your mom.
Sorry for your loss when ppl pass you start seeing family’s true colors it’s so sad but back to your question I would hands down tell my sister I can’t keep anything from her and wouldn’t want too
Do you really want to cause your mother more grief and pain right now?!! You know they will immediately call her and they will fuss at her because they were not there. Take your siblings and your mom to the graveside and have your own memorial. In today’s world, pick your battles…I’m so sorry for you loss, but some things really are not worth more hurt for your mom.
Let them know so they aren’t blindsided. That’s weird that you and you’re siblings weren’t given the same respect as the rest of your family. Be there for your siblings and your mom.
See that’s what I dnt understand about all this people arnt allowed to attend loved ones funerals yet people can gather to “protest” or gather for inaugurations etc
I’d explain that no one is to call your mom about it right away, give her time to grieve. But yeah, that’s messed up.
Tell them and honestly I’d cut that family out of my life. They cannot say how many people can go to the funeral thats illegal. As well as sounds fishy for their excuse as to why they went but you guys weren’t aloud to go.
Definitely tell them
I’m sorry for ur loss. U should talk to ur siblings get their feelings and go forward… My heart breaks for u
I’d be pissed! They could of been turned away if they just showed up.
I’d tell your siblings 🤷
Nope I’d raise hell if they kept me away from saying my last goodbyes.
Damn I’d be very upset and be on the phone immediately.
They will find out. However, if telling them today will hurt them and cause more of a rift, it’s not worth it. I’m sure your Grampa wouldn’t want any fights caused. These kinds of things are so terrible and unnecessary.
Ummm i taught my kids no one comes between your brothers and sister. Tell them! I’m so sorry for your loss
I just flew in from New York to California for my Dads funeral in Fresno. We absolutely got to be there with him. We will now fly my Dad back home to NY and have another funeral for our entire family
my uncle got married and me and my siblings couldn’t go ee later found out that others brought their kids. we felt upset yes but don’t keep it a secret they will see on the service video
Ok there’s no doubt about it, this situation is messed up. Frankly these days family is definitely NOT what it used to be and mean. That being stated, go with how you feel about NOT telling them and let them figure out on their own. Then when they do and confront you about knowing, show them how to properly handle this as you have been, by yourself and at a distance instead of being overwhelmed, overly emotional, and potentially very dramatic and putting that in other people’s laps to get caught up in as well. Right now with Covid and the government and the economy being as crazy as it’s been, not to mention the most important part: the loss of your loved one, people are very easy to ignite and get caught up in so much drama and emotions. It’s not like it can be helped given the times but it can be prevented or in the very least delayed so as to help tone it down with your siblings as the toned down example. None of you need all that drama. Yes what they did was wrong but it’s nothing that can be corrected, just remembered for the future so you can attend any others, should there be any (hopefully not though). You got this. Don’t let your emotions show the worst side of you and again, be the example of that control should your siblings unfortunately let theirs get the best of them. My condolences.
Y’all have every right to be upset!There should have been a zoom family meeting about who would attend. Not the time to fight about it, but Just be honest with your siblings.
So sorry I don’t blame you if your my aunt died any they didn’t tell us so that’s hurtfull
I would say something to my siblings, just because that’s real shady. I’m sorry that happened to y’all.
I’d be pissed and I’d definitely say something. Covid or not we all have a right to grieve an Noone should take away our final goodbyes.
Tell them it’s better then not telling them .
It’s not your fucken business. Period.
If they found out you knew and didn’t say anything they will be more upset. I would tell them but ask them not to say anything to your mother for a few days to give her time to calm down enough from the grief to give a logical explanation
Mad yes, I would be furious. Death brings out the best, and the worst, in EVERY ONE of us. But seriously what benefit is in it for anyone to tell…?? Seems a bit I dunno, shit stirring to me…and my Gramma always said those who stir the s#!t pot, will lick the spoon later…
Ohh yeah I’m
Oh I’d be totally upset!
I would let my siblings know but not to say anything to mum just yet, vent between yourselves. Then perhaps organise a time to go visit his burial site etc
Tell them and explain the circumstances due to Covid-19.
Sorry for loss. Although if my granda passed & my family had the audacity to have his funeral and didn’t tell me I would be absolutely livid covid or not. No matter how much your family are distant or how much you are disappointed with each other at the end of the day family is family. I think that you are being totally selfish! Tell your family!
Defiantly tell them not just for their sake but for your own so you have them to deal with the upset/anger with them… but also make a point that you shouldn’t give your mum something else to worry about… she probably wasn’t happy about it either when your cousins turned up and is dreading you all finding out she was probably to upset to say anything about it… out of respect they should have offered you and all your cousin to be there maybe all social distancing along the road your grandparents funeral car would have been coming down and each let of a balloon… maybe speak to your siblings and come up with a little goodbye of your own be there for each other and be there for your mum xx
Yes, tell them. It’s strange that everyone else got to attend.
I’d flip right out. You have every right to be upset, and your siblings deserve to know too…x
Is there a reason the family didn’t want you there? Has there been some sort of falling out?
I would ask whose idea it was to lie to you and your siblings so you know who to name when you tell the the whole truth.Im sure someone try to persuade you not to say anything but stand firm.There have been enough lies already and you are not adding to them.Why have you and your siblings been lied to while everyone else has been allowed to attend.These lies need to be addressed.
If it were me id tell my siblings. I’m sorry that happened to you guys.
They could have at least told u even if u couldnt attend it is ur grandpa after all and u could have done your own thing at home in memory of him instead but i would def tell them and explain why they couldnt go so they understand the reasons
This is one of those instances in life that can’t be undone. You can let it eat you alive for the rest of your life or you can do what you can to fix it in your mind and heart and move past it. It sounds like you loved him very much. Do something with your siblings to honor your grandfather’s memory. Go to the burial site and each read quotes or poems that represent something in memory of him. When you leave, ask for his peace and try to leave the anger there. I am with you one hundred percent for feeling like you do and justifiably so. You can remember all the wonderful memories or you can remember the time they did this to you and your siblings without your grandfather’s knowledge. It’s a horrible thing to have done to you but I think it’s worse if you pick up that chain and carry it in your heart in place of your grandfather’s love. The weight of what they did isn’t yours to carry. Everytime they look at you, they will remember that injustice. In the meantime, allow yourself and your mother to grieve and deal with it with grace when you are ready. Have your own graveside ceremony for your grandfather and yourselves. I hope you can find peace of mind and not give this sense of betrayal a permanent position in your life. Please accept my sympathies on the loss of your grandfather.
So sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry… I would be livid.
It was a memorial service (as opposed to a funeral/burial/cremation)…so hold your own with your sibs. Go somewhere special to you and share prayers, songs and stories. You might have to wait depending on local restrictions but do it. Or use a place of worship.
That’s just rude. I would tell them, then meet at cemetary or some place special too him and have your own.
I wouldn’t just be yelling my siblings, I’d be writing something to my entire family… aunts, uncles, cousins and grandma included about it. It’s rude, ignorant and hurtful. I’ve lived through something similar when I was younger and wish I was old enough then to speak up.
I personally would of gone to comfort my Mom and then maybe you would of realized who was going, that all could of happened Without any mean will, we can’t control other actions, get together with your siblings and go be with your mom or one family at a time, she still needs your confort
It happened in our family also
Sorry for your loss. I would tell your siblings but I wouldn’t make it a huge thing. Discuss yall doing your own memorial, something to honor him and don’t invite/tell anyone else. I know it’s not the same as being their for the service but you all can make it special together. Your mom/the church/others have no control over what the cousins did. They could have been told the same as you but chose not to listen& follow the rules.
I would tell your siblings. Better it come from you. But I agree with everyone. Hold your own memorial amongst your siblings something special you all can do together to remember him that is special. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Bless your family
You all may have saved yourselves from being exposed to Covid… have your own personal memorial together, so sorry for your loss,
Just go. Who is going to stop u???
What’s done is done. Let it go.
No advice that’s just sad. Goodluck and sorry 4 the loss. PRayers 4 u and ur family. I’m going through something similar my grandad on my moms side had a stroke and the thing hes married to has always been a pain in our butts but wont let us come see him without jumping through hoops. When he dies I have no idea what’s going 2 even happen. It’s sad that ppl act that way and that this virus has impacted so many. The funeral home let 10 people at a time come in and see my grandma they just had them in different rooms.
That is terrible and I would be very upset but I would want to know
Social distance were in a pandemic.
So your mom attended but didn’t tell you guys? My mom and I are very communicative. She would have know from the minute they told me I couldn’t. Also, if she went, she didn’t find strange that you guys weren’t there? So many questions.
You should be there before the significant other of the other cousins
You’re lucky. Your dream about your grandpa was him just letting you know that he’s ok and well. You should be thankful for that as he visited you for a reason. Maybe you had a special bond. Take solice in that and be thankful for it and know he’s with you. Don’t bother ruining relationships or straining family ties even more over something that hurts now but in the long run is trivial. Just know in your heart if you are open to it he will visit you again.
I’d say something then have my own memorial.
Youre moms a grown woman. She went along with this decision to not let own kids attend their grandfathers funeral. Tell your siblings. Everything said to anyone after is what they deserve. Harsh or not I don’t care. I love my mom but if she did something like that when my grandma passes you can bet your ass I would go off on her.
Honestly, if it were me I would not mention anything at all… I mean, the funeral is over with. The bigger picture here is you lost your grandfather & families should stay together during times of grief. Also, it sounds like there was clearly some sort of miscommunication. If they originally said just the super close people & then all of the boyfriends/girlfriends came too. I think you’d be best off doing what Rhonda said at this point—- have your own memorial.
Ummm I would be talking to my mom… sounds like she was in on it!