I feel defeated with my husband and I dont know what to do anymore…he was deployed for 8 months and when he came home i surprised him with a hotel room on the beach for a week, just us two and our 1 year old…he was not excited when he came home and told me…he didnt even tell me when he was coming home…jsut had his mom pick him up and came home and “surprised” me…but it was so dull…I sent him numerous care packages, wrote emails and he never responded and I knew he was busy so i tried to be understanding…i just feel that I am trying for nothing and may need to walk away but its so hard because of our child…what did i do wrong? he wont even look at me really just tries to accuse me of seeing others while h e was gone which isnt the case…before he left things were okayish…but now they are nothing and he keeps saying " we will work it out" but then he leaves and stays with friends and wont come home…do i throw in the towel now?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I throw in the towel on my marriage?
He probably was looking forward to just being at home after being gone for 8 months…
Unless your spouse is abusive. No. Abuse isn’t just physical and you should never have to wonder if you are loved. You should just know you are.
Get a military couple therqpist
Bruh he’s projecting get out
This might have nothing to do with you and
More to do with what he saw during his deployment. Therapy might help
Deployment is rough. Talk to him. Get some therapy for the both of you. The military offers help.
Therapy. But he’s staying at other people’s houses? That’s not right at all!
Sometime they have to see awful stuff and don’t know how to deal with it maybe it something like he does not want to have to scary because of that so he doing this just keep talking to him and trying it it can be hard not worth ending it tho
He cheated then either while there or before he left and it continued while he was there… Quilty dog always barks 1st… As far as the child it’s better on them to be in a stable peaceful place rather than a war zone
It seems to me he’s hiding or feeling guilty about something. Marriage counseling may be in order and if he’s unwilling, go find your happiness elsewhere and don’t waste time on someone that may not love you￼
Dude was deployed. He’s probably had enough excitement for awhile. Sorry you’re bored though.
I would try talking to him and if that doesn’t work I would seek some help from a friend or a doctor therapist
Please seek counseling. It’s hard to say what he went through.
Maybe he is ashamed of things he done & can’t face u. Is there someone who got in his ear about u???
I would. He isn’t into building a life with you. What grown man has sleepovers at his friends houses when he has a wife and child at home. It speaks volumes about his maturity and where you and your child rank in his life
Transitioning back into “normal” life is extremely difficult for some soldiers.
Remove the expectations and slowly reintegration back into a life as it was.
What was his deployment like? Did he get down time before reintegration? It’s pretty traumatic to jump back into who you were before you witnessed war.
You have to understand he’s been deployed for 8 months. He’s been in a military setting for almost a year, and he probably saw, did, and heard stuff that he’ll never forget. It’s not like he was on holiday or something. That’s not something most people could just snap out of immediately upon returning home. Maybe try seeing a therapist.
Coming from an army wife, he may have PTSD, or he’s been unfaithful & could feel guilty about it so he is deflecting.
Been there done that 4 deployments. Leave now and dont look back
Only the guilty accuses!! What did he do while he was gone? He’s out all night?? Are you sure about where he’s staying?
As a veteran who deployed.
Give him some time. Just let him be for a couple weeks. We operate at a certain level and literally have to retrain ourselves to act in a civilian world. Even if it wasnt a combat op- it still is a different mental game.
Definitely don’t throw in the towel. You have no idea what he dealt with while deployed. Give him his time and seek counseling for you and offer support for him. He needs time to adjust back to civilian life.
Sounds like he cheated over there and is projecting onto you so he feels less guilty about it. If he really wants it to work try counseling.
If he’s accusing you of cheating maybe he’s the one who’s cheating? And that’s why he’s acting this way. Somewhere deep down he feels the guilt and is probably trying to push you away.
I think I’d give him space. Military as I imagine is not an easy job.
Try and have empathy for him and what he is and has gone through. Military life is extremely hard. Become knowledgeable yourself. Hugs to you.
Kick his ass to the curb…he is going to stay with friends??? Not with you?? Thats clear writing on the wall
He’s blaming you for cheating? Nah, that’s called projection. HE cheated! Can’t you tell? He can’t even look at you! Didn’t even tell you he was coming home??? Run away!
As the wife of a Sailor in the Navy let me say this: They need time to decompress and readjust to being home. It doesn’t happen overnight and it isn’t easy. Being deployed is difficult and requires a completely different mindset. What he needs from you right now is your understanding and support. He may not want to talk about it and that has to be ok. Talk to your ombudsman and see how you can help him readjust to being stateside.
Absolutely not, he probably is fucked up w ptsd depression
Counseling, you start and hopefully he will join you.
If he is accusing you of seeing other men he might feel guilty for seeing another woman.
It could be that he’s been cheating on you while deployed. My ex husband admitted to cheating on me while he was deployed and I was pregnant with our first child. I’d say go to marriage counseling so you can see what he’s hiding and go from there.
Alot of men become depressed during deployment s. See if he will agree to marriage counseling, it could help.
Possible he’s dealing with ptsd, anxiety, depression BUT it’s also equally possible that he is cheating himself and is feeling the guilt and that’s causing him to be accusing you and trying to make this all your fault. I would at least try counseling or having a really good talk before throwing in the towel, see exactly what his reasons are and go from there. But it’s very strange that he never replied to you at all while deployed for 8 months, of course he’s busy but THAT busy that he can’t call home and speak to his wife and baby?
You obviously have no concept of the reality of military life and what it’s like for a soldier. Anyone who says he lacks maturity, respect etc doesn’t either. Educate yourself instead of posting on social media seeking attention like you’re the victim.
My ex done the same thing. We had a one year old at the time. He was too ashamed to face us after spending a year in Korea cheating, gambling and becoming a drunk.
Good lord you haven’t even gave him a moment to breathe. He needs support right now. Give him a little bit of space. Keep an eye out for signs of a problem, like excessive drinking, sleep issues, obsessions etc.
he needs to readjust to civilian life… patience…
Maybe he’s the one cheating and not you. A lot of times they will accuse you of what they are doing, hint why he won’t look at you
He, obviously, is traumatized.
He needs help.
He needs your patience.
He needs your unconditional love.
People give up to easily.
Marriage is supposed to be for better or for worse.
Being deployed recently, he wasn’t actively seeing war. There was more going on while he was gone, possibly with another soldier, which possibly could still be going on. I’d tell him we need to contact onesource for marriage counseling or I’m leaving.
That’s an ugly life you are living.
Maybe he’s the one seeing other ppl
Mental illness. We cannot imagine what he saw while deployed.
Hes accusing you of what he has either done or doing. Get out now,
sounds like he’s disconnected from reality
Sounds like that’s what he is waiting for.
You have to have a deep conversation about feelings here. Why is he accusing you of cheating? Is he cheating? Being away from each other that long is hard on any relationship. Be honest with each other.
I’d ask him if he’s cheating. Could not be the case but seems like it
Even if it wasn’t war, I don’t think we know what soldiers are sometimes ordered to do. Maybe I’m thinking too much into it
Seems to me you’re putting in more effort than him
Yup throw in the towel . Especially if he’s not willing to communicate and talk with you about why and what it is he’s thinking. I’m sorry.
Your gut is your Bestfriend, Listen!
Do you love him? If you weren’t unfaithful abs want the marriage to work then Put in the work! That’s the problem these days rather than talking to one another and doing everything possible to save their marriage people just give up on them! Try and be understanding to what he has just been through, men try and be strong and brave so they tend not to be as open and honest about their feelings and what they went through because they don’t want to worry us or make us scared he’s likely trying to protect your feelings. If I am off base I apologize but he just got home from what was likely a very scary and traumatizing place! Do everything you can before throwing in the towel. Your child deserves to have its parent together unless there’s physical violence and a lot of yelling.
Being in the military is not easy they are never the same just try to be supportive and maybe counseling
I’ve been there. Trust me, it’s hard. The readjustment period is so hard and so frustrating and so complicated. But you both need to learn to adjust. Don’t give up. He needs you more now than ever. People used to tell me be thankful he made it home from war, but the truth is, the war is just beginning. He is battling something more than you or I could ever imagine. And he needs support. So please don’t just give up. Give him space and let him come to you when he’s ready. It’s hard but it will be okay. Good luck!
Maybe he needs therapy. Lotta military folks need therapy. PTSD is very real/scary it can change 1s personality
My thinking unfortunately is the one accusing is usually the one that did it. Maybe he had a fling while deployed and now feels guilty and thinks accusing you and trying to find out if you slept with someone else can justify him sleeping with someone else
Seems like he is the one who has left the marriage already. Hugs.
I recommend couples counseling first and then go from there. If he doesn’t come around then yes you deserve to be happy. None of this is fair to you. I was also a former army wife and I know the work you’ve put into raising your child alone those 8 months.
Trust your gut. The fact that he’s distancing himself away from his family like that, it makes me wonder if he did anything unloyal or shady when he was on deployment
BUT I also haven’t ever been in a military relationship so I don’t know if there’s a period where they come back from wherever they were and watched things happen that should not happen type of thing?
Sounds like he cheated while he was gone if you ask me.
I do agree that he could have cheated but on the other hand you said you have a 1 year old! The crying laughing screaming of a baby may trigger him where he was deployed! Remember all the sounds we hear we don’t realize slamming something on the counter or a baby throwing a toy are normal to us but may trigger him! Talk to him and find out what’s going on!!
Give him time to adjust to being home. Being deployed puts a strain on him and you.
Seems like he could have any of a list of stress related issues that are affecting his life - no surprise if he is in the forces. Do you really want to walk if he needs support ? PTSD cptsd so many to list
First off depending on his deployment the no communication is a red flag for me…
If he is suffering from PTSD he needs help and so do you. The military offers it take advantage of it.
Something may have happened to him while he was gone. Give him some time to readjust and maybe seek counseling. Prayers for you two
You did NOTHING WRONG. Regardless of what you decide please know that.
And unpopular opinion: You don’t owe anyone time either. I don’t care if they’re a vet or not.
You have a limited time on this planet, a limited time with your youth and raising your child. You don’t need to be wasting it being sad, dangling like a thread on a sock. If he can talk to his friends than he can talk to you. Perhaps make a couples counselling appointment… I don’t know, but what I do know is YOU and YOUR TIME are precious. I don’t need to know you to know that. I’m sorry for whatever he’s going through but I don’t want you wasting your child’s babyhood and toddlerhood SAD and chasing a man who may or may not be done, or whatever the case may be. I just want you to prioritize you, your child’s mother- make sure she’s important too.
Maybe is is having adjustment issues. This is normal. My husband had PTSD when he returned and was the same way. It’s hard when in war zones. If you can’t handle it and be a support system leave now. He needs support and love.
Being deployed over seas can change a person. Even if not in war the lifestyle is rough. Even the things they see. My opinion is, if you love him, give him time to get back to reality.
Umm he was deployed he probably has some PTSD and need therapy. You also need therapy together
Counseling, but if he won’t go then you need to make another decision for yourself.
Usually a person who accuses others without reason or proof is projecting so that would be my first concern. You need to sit with him and talk to him about it all and how you’re feeling about this. If he needs mental help because of his tour, find a therapist. I would suggest one that isn’t faith based because some of them to to just use common idioms instead of trying to really get into the problem and help through it. If he doesn’t need mental help then it sounds like he’s already given up on the marriage and is just waiting for you to say something. Regardless, y’all need to discuss both of your feelings to sort through it all.
Maybe the best thing to do is set yourself up with a therapist and plan to go for yourself. It’s tough to know what soldiers go through when they’re deployed. You need to express your hurt and confusion, both to him, and to a therapist who can give you some idea what to do about those feelings. At some point, maybe you can encourage him to go to therapy with you. Let him know that the therapy is intended to help you understand his feelings and to help you deal with your own. Let him know that you’d like him to go with you to see if maybe you can get your problems out in the open where you can deal with them. It’s worth a try.
Time to go hun. You deserve better than that. If he is accusing you, its probably because he was unfaithful and feels guilt. So he assumes you have cheated.
If he’s leaving and staying at a friend’s house and won’t even come home to participate in caring for his child, yes. Divorce.
Sounds way too familiar. If he is accusing you, I wonder what he was/is doing. Not coming home is not okay. Get a PI. Talk to him through the chaplain and go from there…
I’ve seen and known FAR TOO MANY service members who were cheating on their spouse and I’ve also been in space you are in (post deployment).
Just know it DOES get better regardless if you stay or leave.
Best of luck to you.
Counseling… He may have PTSD.
Sounds like he has a guilty conscience to me. Trust your gut.
I once had someone accusing me of cheating on them, I had done nothing to even make him think that…turns out his sorry ass was the one that was cheating. Sounds like that’s what may have happened and instead of your husband owning up to it, he’s trying to put it on you like you have done something wrong. Don’t fall for that shit, he’s the guilty one. I would confront him and go from there. If this is the case, which I’m pretty sure it is, I would be done. Life is too short to sacrifice your own happiness, you deserve better. Either way, best wishes.
Lady, he was deployed and likely saw things he can’t describe to you. I would suggest counseling. I get you were excited to spend some time away with him. But he had been gone for months and likely just wanted his own bed.
Your husband maybe suffering from PSTD Servicemen comeing back sometime
For everyone saying he’s cheating throw in the towel is obviously not from a military family. It is very difficult being deployed, away from your family & then adjusting to being back home. Maybe something happened while he was gone, maybe it’s not what he thought it would be. It can be mentally draining on both spouses & family. Try talking to him about the experience he had wherever he went…maybe he needs counseling, ptsd etc. Good luck
War really does a number on people. I wouldn’t take it personally.
Usually the one’s that accuse u if cheating are the one’s cheating. Just tell him plain blanket and if it doesn’t change your filling for a divorce . If he has mental issues he needs to get help your not responsible . A person changes if they want to.
This is difficult to be honest… we have no idea the back story like where he was deployed etc! Seems like while deployed he missed quite a bit of the babies life . Not making excuses for his behavior but a lot come home needing therapy to adjust to the new normal of being back home, what was his like life while deployed? Maybe the noises etc trigger him, maybe he isn’t sure how to be a father, maybe you guys have grown apart or he truly feels you were with someone so you didn’t feel lonely… our mind can play serious games with us. You also definitely have a way to feel how you do but this one is definitely hard to speak on. Regardless I wish you well and happiness
Sounds like he is already out of the relationship. So, save yourself and pack up and leave or pack his shit and throw him out.
Give her m time. Army life changes people
Yes…let him go & move on. He’s not trying so it won’t work
This is a tough one gal. Is he still active duty? I would definitely seek counseling for you together. If he’s unwilling, attend sessions for yourself and see what you can take from that. Many times when one of our military members comes home, they are not given the information that they should be regarding returning home. There seems like several different things going on here. I will say that it’s up to you how much you’ll endure. The main thing is to never stay because you have a child together. From experience, that may bite you in the butt later down the road. Even at your child’s age, they sense something isn’t right. When my husband returned from the Navy, he’d been deployed 14 months without us. It is definitely difficult for them to adjust, what makes it worse is what they’ve went through while away. This is where I’m feeling really terrible because it’s just not easy when you’re a military family. Best wishes to you, utilize the resources available to you through the military.
From personal experience that readjustment period is hard. Especially if he was in a high action area. I would talk to him about you guys seeing a counselor together or possibly him seeing someone alone.
Get counseling, he’s suffering from PTSD it sounds like, And is having trouble adjusting being out of a war zone.
Therapy may be needed
Maybe communicate about this and possibly get some counseling. Maybe something is going on mentally. He’s military.
He is the one doing the cheating! You should feel safe, loved, and acknowledged!! I am sorry you don’t. Don’t stay for you child. Your child needs a happy mom! Best wishes to you. Hope you find peace & clarity soon.
He clearly is hiding something… life is way to short to stay committed to someone whom refuses to put in the same effort as you in a relationship… don’t loose yourself or your happiness beacuse of ANYONE else… and your kiddo is still a baby… do what’s best for you so when they are old enough to really understand what your feeling your in the best place possible for you!!! A strong mentally and emotionally healthy mommy…
I learned the hard way…