Should married couples live apart?

My husband and I have done this before for a job. With that being said, it caused numerous problems for us and we ended up separating. When he left that job and came back home we decided we would never take a job where he has to live separately from us again. It works for some people I guess but definitely not for us.
I say go with him and embrace this new adventure in y’alls life. :blush:

15 Likes

I got a job transfer & he didn’t want to go so I went anyways. I’m in the process of transferring back 1 yr later. Every relationship is diff just do what works for you.

3 Likes

This is really a question that only you can answer. I have been a Navy wife for 24 years. My husband has been away more than he’s been home that entire time. It is possible, however I am not sure I would want to do that permanently. There are so many factors that will play into that decision. My personal opinion you need to ask yourself a few different questions. Is your marriage strong enough to handle such a long term separation? What is the real reason for you not wanting to move/ him not wanting you to move with him? Just from reading your post, I think the real answer is already in your heart :two_hearts:

5 Likes

Yes my darling if the relationship is based on love…trust…Communication respect and understanding. It will work for the two birds if they love each other…

We have a family friend who’s been married to his wife for over 20 years. They live in the same city just not together because they can’t get along anymore in the same house. Living separately gives them their space to do their respective things and they love each other and have been happy. If it’s for a job it’s totally up to you two whether it’ll work. But I always told my husband that his family came first and no job or amount of money will give you lost time back.

3 Likes

Whatever works for your relationship. My partner and I lived apart for many years as she lived with and cared for her mother. We have since lived together and have been a couple for 32 years!!

usually it works if its going well and then you decide it’ll work even better separately. if it already isn’t going well then going on to being apart typically will just lead into cheating or a separation. strong relationships are what survive living apart, not ones already breaking. it’s also kinda selfish if he is taking a better job which will help the family but you don’t want to go. you aren’t putting the family’s needs as a whole ahead of just yours.

2 Likes

I say, if the love and trust is there then why not?
My husband and I love each other very much and support each other. But he’s a soldier and I wanted to stop moving and have our kids to not have to constantly move around, plus I wanted a career of my own as well. He understood, so he’s finishing out his last contract (almost 3 yrs) while I’m setting our roots down with our kids. We video talk EVERY DAY, multiple times a day.
Again, as long as the love and trust is there and you both can support one another, why not?
Personally though, I feel like an ultimate decision would have to be made, such as one state is the “main home” and the other state is the “seasonal home”

34 Likes

My husband and I don’t live together because we both have kids from previous relationships. So we just stay in our own houses and we like it. I don’t think well ever like live together lol while the kids are young anyway I enjoy the independence. We love eachother it works :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Love is strong, it can travel. I dont have a husband that travels but he is buying property to move onto bc that’s his dream not mine. I will live in OUR home and he’ll live out there in OUR home as long as he enjoys.

7 Likes

I left my husband 4years ago for very good reasons. It made us both miserable. I became depressed and constantly getting sick and he was depressed and willing to do anything to get me and our daughter to come home.
One star. Definitely do Not recommend.
After over 6 months I was sick with the flu for a second time and I called him begging to come help me take care of our daughter. I was so physically ill I couldn’t even walk. He scooped me up carried me to his truck and took myself and our daughter home from his sister’s house. It was then I realized I was loved completely by this man. Absence can make the heart grow fonder. It can also kill a decent immune system. I don’t sleep well without his obnoxious extremely loud snoring. It depleted my immune system.

3 Likes

I’m not married, but my dad and my step mom lived separately for the first few years of their marriage because she had to finish up her military career and he didn’t want to live where she was stationed until she retired. He ended up living in Texas, bought a home, worked for the government and would drive to Arkansas where she was stationed for a month or few weeks here and there. They’ve been living together like 15 years though now since.
Also had a roommate that lived with me but he was married and he was working for the government in Cali but owned a home in Nevada and his wife stayed in Nevada. They’ve been together too a long time.
So I’ve seen it work, but those were situations where ultimately they planned to live under one household again after accomplishing something. Both of the couples I speak of are still together.
I’m single, I got abandonment issues and had untrustworthy partners who were bad at communicating, I personally don’t know if I’d like that but if I had a great partner I’d be willing to consider it if it was temporary. As long as there is tryst and great communication, it should work out.

1 Like

If you love and trust each other then why not!!! Good to experience time to yourself in life you can get to know yourself better and also distance can make the heart grow fonder…

1 Like

I think this separation willl determine how strong ur relationship is. Kind of putting it to the test on loyalty and communication between u both .

5 Likes

If you love him better go with him. Your asking for trouble if you live in one place and him in another.

1 Like

Living seperately is fine if there is love and trust.
But why after 20 years did your husband look for a job elsewhere, where the whole family would need to relocate.

1 Like

Alot of.military couples also sleep with other people’s spouses while they are deployed so…not really something I’d compare it.to.

14 Likes

My parents did a few times. And they are still happily married. Now my dad retired and they live together again. But he will still come and visit without her sometimes

You know the saying. If you love someone set them free. It might be good for both of you. Lots of couples live apart ie miners, fishing industry, soldiers :smirk:

3 Likes

If you are gonna be living in different countries what is The point of being married

It’s for u both both work out but I no I couldn’t live without my husband home every day

Not a good idea. Marriage takes working at staying together, living apart does not a marriage make.

Every couple & every situation is different & unique to each couple, that being said, there is no right or wrong answer.

Hmmm :thinking: Maybe it can work but like the saying goes “out of sight, out of mind” :woman_shrugging:t2:

4 Likes

Sure, why not. People used to do it all the time

Works a lot for military folks.

3 Likes

No. Dont do it. Go with him. He’ll find someone else. They always do.

3 Likes

We’ve done this a few times.

Whatever works for you hun.

Not me! Couldn’t do.it. :cry:

We will be getting separate houses if my partner doesn’t sort out his snoring :woman_facepalming:t3::joy:

2 Likes

Not if you want to stay married. Not a good idea.

I say, whatever works :muscle:

1 Like

You know what is good for your relationship. What works for you is what you should do. It is not up for anybody to decide for you.

Absence, make’s the heart grow founder…

But why don’t you want to go? Do you not value his job opportunity? Do you have a job you can’t leave? There is a lot of missing information.

12 Likes

I have a friend whose parents live away from each other. They’re still together, but both live on different islands. Not sure how but it seems to work for them. I think it really depends on your own individual relationship and how strong it is to begin with and of course who you are as an individual and what you value in life

7 Likes

It’s very hard. As a veteran I’ve seen families fall apart after only being apart for 6-8 months. Both sides cheat, spouses stop answering the few phone calls we could find time to make, etc. I had one friend that was handed divorce papers on the car ride back home from the ship, 0 warning. I personally don’t believe that a couple can have an exclusive long distance relationship for an extended period of time

8 Likes

I know of a couple who’ve lived separately for 20yrs and it works great for them! :relaxed:

I personally don’t think it’s weird or unusual. People should do what works for them, not what society has told us a relationship should work like. Best of luck with whatever you decide :sparkles:

3 Likes

It’s fine. what works for each couple is different.

I learned about this in a college class. I can remember if it was psychology or something else. But basically the choice is yours. People make ot work when they love each other

1 Like

What works for others, may not work for you and vice versa. Do what’s best for you and your family.

1 Like

To each their own. I don’t believe there is a ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to what a functional, loving relationship/marriage is. It might take its toll, it might not, as long as you ate both open, honest, understanding and vulnerable enough to share how you’re feeling about the situation/ conflicts that may arise while living like this also having the willingness to compromise and help in solving those issues, then you guys will do great and and continue on with this long last marriage :slight_smile:

I always tell my husband if he gets stationed at fort hood I’ll just move back home and visit occasionally :joy: we lived apart the whole time he was in basic and AIT and honestly I didnt mind. It was a bit harder for him but we live very separate lives with separate hobbies and friend groups and I like my space sometimes! I feel like it makes me a better partner. It depends on everyone’s relationship but it’s possible!

1 Like

Perfectly reasonable. There is absolutely no reason as to why a marriage requires you to live together. It might be hard work, but if you’ve got the commitment to make it work, you will.

2 Likes

I think it depends on the couple and the circumstances. There are married couples who have separate bedrooms, separate houses, commute weekly for work, etc…I have a friend who recently was living in one state while his wife lived in another due to work circumstances. She did eventually join him, but not for several months. I have another friend who owns two homes (in two different states) and she and her husband are often in separate states depending on what’s going on with their kids and work. It works for them and they are very happy together. Best of luck figuring out what is best for you.

3 Likes

My grandparents never lived together and were together for 30 years before my grandad passed. They were both happy having there own space and staying together at the weekends. I dont think they would have lasted as long if they had lived together. You should just do what your both happy with and not let others opinions get in the way :slight_smile:

I would work what y’all need to out before he leaves. And also? If your spouse decides on their own to just leave??? Maybe they are trying to eventually split off.

My husband worked out of state for awhile but nothing permanent. Just a few months until I could move to be with him. If it’s not your intention to move with him, and it’s not his intention to stay then it really doesn’t matter if y’all are okay or not. It would be like being single anyways.

Idk maybe it can work for some people but I think permanently is one hell of a risk

5 Likes

I know this isn’t the current situation in this case but military couples live separate allllll the time and do just fine. I didn’t live with my husband for the first year we were together I was in wi he was in Cali and Iraq. In 3 months we will be living apart again. We have friends who are married and never lived together. It is possible and does work

4 Likes

No one can say whether this will work for you and your spouse. You should ask yourself if you are prepared for everything that comes with living separate? Perhaps you could give it a trial run…

The married people that live this life are a special breed, most people wouldn’t be able to. Im too in love with my woman to just up n leave for an expendable job…innmy opinion if he wanted that job and to leave that bad…he was planning on it.

Why do you not want to go? Is your marriage not worth moving to be with him? Are you a stay at home mom/wife …there are so many questions unanswered…there are a few folks on here assuming that your hubby is moving for other reasons … but you have to follow your gut … not your heart

Me and my husband lived apart for 10 years. We we’re running 2 businesses in different towns. As long as you have a strong marriage and trust it can be done.

1 Like

sounds like the job is a 1 side decision. I understand ur relationship isn’t as great right now but sometimes the heart grows fonder when away but I would also think that their would be an agreement on what’s expected of the other like not seeing anyone else. And honestly if your afraid of that then you need to tell him asap. We of course want to believe our husbands but we also want to be cautious in these types of situations.

2 Likes

Yes!!! If you are both strong!! It will be good!! I just ask for one day!! A month !! I’m in heaven and still love the bastard

I guess whatever works for you. Not my idea of married life.

2 Likes

My parents lived separately for a few years. My dad worked out of state. He would come when he could and she would visit when she could. His job took him all over.

My husbands uncle and aunt do it, they have a house in both states and whenever possible they fly out and stay with each other they are still happily married. I feel like if you could try and see what happens. If you feel like it’s not healthy then you need to decide. Are you being stubborn, is he. Is being married really what you want. If you tell him he can’t take to job he will have resentment towards you. Just as you would if he told you you had to move. You have to figure out what is best for you two.

1 Like

Whatever works for you both.

2 Likes

Married couples should do whatever works best for them and not worry about anyone else’s opinion.

13 Likes

Lots of couples, married or not, have envountered this dilemma. Their spouses or significant others have jobs that force them to work over the road and deprive them of their families. Truckers, construction workers, pilots, musicians. Some overcome this work life situation. Others fall.

2 Likes

Please be realistic. If you wish to live apart after 20 years your marriage is already beyond in trouble. Your need to stay is for the same old familiar security blanket. You really need to take a deep look at your relationship at this time and decide what’s best for “you” not everybody else involved.

1 Like

There ya go… Perfect answer!!! You don’t even need any more comments then that… :100:

Is being deployed the same thing ??

While it can work- it is very dangerous and leaves a lot of room for loneliness… i am speaking from experience with my ex-husband. The loneliness can lead to a lot of other things like affairs and what not (did i mention my ex-husband? :expressionless:) if you guys both work hard and have the trust in each other to have separate lives, it can be good! Do whatever is best for you guys!

Will not work. It is the beginning of the end.

My husband and I have been doing it for 4 years now . We talk on the phone every night he comes home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I am fortunate enough now that I can go spend the summer months with him. We make it work .

1 Like

One of the DJ’s on KISW in Washington state that lives apart from his wife. She lives and works in California. They see each other every few months and Facetime etc. It’s not for everyone but it works for them. Hope that helps.

It’s about how much attention you need and how much you trust him.

3 Likes

Absolutely. My mom lives in PA & my stepdad still lives in NJ. Only reason is, my stepdad is a commercial fisherman. When he’s not out scalloping, he goes to my moms for a few days or so. It works for both of them.

2 Likes

It could work for you if you have an understanding about the expectations. BUT, I would not want to live away from my spouse and would absolutely go with him (even if you keep the old house for weekends or extended visits). Just my opinion…

1 Like

Do what makes you guys happy

Technically my husband and I only live together for 10 days out of the month. He is a towboater and his work schedule is 20/10. My MiL and her husband haven’t lived together since COVID started. (She now goes and stays the weekends with him)

Navy wife here! Alot of military spouses do this. Some wifes have a house in there hometown because they have kids, don’t want to move every couple years, want to live by family, or their spouse gets deployed to a different country for a couple years which is a really big move for the family so they just stay put. We call it geobatching. Its not for everyone. But if you love them and trust each other it can be done. My husband has been deployed under water in a sub for about 7 months so no contact at all except for emails. Before we got married we lived 8 months apart about 15hrs away. We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 5 years.

1 Like

“He wants to take third job and move away from us”. No. I think he wants to take this job and you not want to go making this hard. Moving is stressful I get it. We do it every two years. But you go where the money is and you are a team.

6 Likes

I work in Florida (Monday-Friday). My wife and 2 youngest sons (17yr old twins) live in Mississippi. Works great for us. When we see each other it’s special every time. Our sons graduate next year and then she will make the move to me.

1 Like

That’s asking for a lot more issues

1 Like

My Husband builds Wind Turbines so He moves all over and I stay in Texas…Sometimes it’s hard but I think it just makes us appreciate the time We do spend with each other when He’s home

Will it cause him to fall out of love? Like how bad are the problems?? Should you just go, and pray it’s the best decision for the family. Or will that be the straw that divides you? You are a team. Does he want you to go?

I knew a woman who left state to go to college of her dream, husband stayed back, she was only going to be gone during the 9 months of school. They were going to make it work. Husband found a new friend, later gf. So its risky. Best of luck. hope it all work out for you.

So this is a mom’s page, I’m assuming you’re a mom. I understand you’re not ending your relationship but who gets the kids? Who is going to be the primary caretaker because physically and mentally, that parent will be a single parent. I did it a few times with my husband when he had other temporary opportunities with his job and it was awful.

Whatever works for you guys! We’re all different. What works for you, won’t work for someone else. There’s no “certain way” to marriage and life. So do what makes you guys happy and what works.

1 Like

My brother and his wife did this
Now they are filling for a divorce

My husband has friends who live in different states from their spouses. I live at my dads house up to 2 weeks a month. I fly in and out of town alot. But I always go home to my husband. I don’t think I could spend less time with him.

If you guys are comfortable and happy with it, then it can work. I wouldn’t judge what’s normal to you against what’s normal to others. If you’re both happy, it’s not wrong.

2 Likes

I mean, if it works for you guys & you trust each other - sure. When my husband did his last DoD contract, we had separate houses. It’s not easy, but it’s doable if you both want it to be.

Personally, I wouldn’t sign up to be apart like that, but sometimes circumstances dictate that’s what you do.

Is there a manual that married couples are supposed to follow? Cos I’d say do what makes you both happy.

4 Likes

I,v always believed a wife goes where her husband goes… period.

4 Likes

Do what works for you and your family. I personally think that we are so concerned with the normal we limit ourselves in life. Myself included.

1 Like

Marriage is full of compromise and every marriage is different. You two have to do what works for you two. Personally though, if my husband were offered a job in another state or city, somewhere that it wasn’t feasible to drive to and from, and the job was worth it, I would be packing up and going with him, especially if the job benefitted the family. If you have children who are in school, it might be a different story. If those kids are old enough, sit down as a family and decide on what you’re going to do, come up with a plan and stick to it. Good luck!

1 Like

I know couples who don’t live together.
It may or may not work so be ready for anything.

No!! More issues on the rise!! May as well split up or divorce

My husband moved out of state for about 3 months, I stayed behind so the kids could finish the school year and pack up the house, it was very difficult. My parents were living in different states for about 1.5 years and they’ve been married 30 years. It could work but it also could go very wrong

1 Like

Military familys do it all the time, so do oil riggers amd truck drivers, many otger taveling workers.
My own husband worked out of town during the week for 5 years when our kids were small.
But we started out with a strong relationship.
Alot of relationships suffer with distance.

2 Likes

My husband and I did this for a bit. He went off to the military and I stayed back for a bit. I wanted to finish out my schooling and I kept working. We made it work and afterwards we got back together.

You and your husband have to talk and figure out how you want to manage.

2 Likes

Lmao this makes no sense. Things aren’t going well and he wants away, you don’t want to separate or compromise… but you’re “not”separated

4 Likes

I wouldn’t head into something like this without a plan. Like when or if you plan to get living together again, how often visits are or should be. How often should you speak. How financially to work with it… seems like a lot of work to make it work. It won’t be less work unless you’re both drifting apart of course, in which case you should definitely tread carefully.

2 Likes

If you both think it’s okay go for it

I’d do it :woman_shrugging:t2: mine snores and it would be nice to get some solid rest :joy:

6 Likes

If things haven’t been going so well, but you don’t want to split up, then why are you not willing to go with him? The distance will drive you 2 further apart and your relationship will suffer for it.

2 Likes