Hello, Im looking for advice.
Ive been with my husband for almost 5 years married, 7 years total. We have 4 kids total between us. 1 is mine previous, 2 are his previous, and 1 we share. He is manipulative and his ego runs his life. Cares way too much about what others think of him, and refuses to make any lasting healthy relationships with friends or family. He prefers to be alone, in a self loathing state of drunken misery. Maybe Im being a bit dramatic with my words, but this has been life for years. Hates my parents wont speak to them, hates his own parents and sisters wont speak to them. Anyone that calls him out on this stuff is automatically banned from our lives. When I tell him hes being irrational and relationships with people are important, he tells me Im not choosing to be on his side. He hardly spends any time with me or the kids, stays in our room/bathroom smoking cigarettes, weed, and drinking. Every single night. Thinks all women are whores until proven otherwise. Says THE nastiest things when we fight. Ive started getting nasty back at him because Im tired of being the one who makes excuses for him, excuses to myself like ‘oh hes just mad he doesnt mean it’. Any idea how many times Ive said that in 7 years? Any idea howe many times hes called me a c**t? B-ch. Wh-re. The list goes on. About a year and a half ago, I cheated, online, talking to men. Am I proud? Hell no. I regret that almost everyday. And Ive paid my dues, Ive gone to therapy, Ive gone and changed some things about me for the better, healed some things about my that made me a certain way etc, I did the work, for months and months. And then, I find out he cheated too. Not online, but with my best friend at the time, behind my back, he says they were just sexting but who actually knows to what extent. So, in my cheating, he has records of everything I did, everyone I talked to and what was said. I have no issue with this, it was part of healing. So when I find out about him and ask for records? Theyre all deleted, no way to get into anything and get what i need. And he did that WHILE he was going through all my stuff making sure I cant delete anything myself, hes deleting his accounts and making sure i dont know anything for 30 days when the accounts are officially deleted so I have 0 chance of seeing anything with my own eyes. So, in trying to reconcile, all fault and blame is put on me, anger is taken out on me, therapy and change is required of me, but not of him, and he insists what I did was infinitely worse than what he did (He says it was to get my friend into a threesome with us.) We aregue 5 days a week, 8 hours a day while hes at work. He comes home and shuts himself in our room all night. Its been a year and half of me doing what i need to do, to help him, try to get him to quit drinking, go to therapy for myself, answer any question he throws at me because of his insecurities even if its the same question multiple times a day, accusing me of things Im not doing constantly, sharing an email FB bank account and literally everything else to prove it…like I can go on and on with how Ive tried to make this work and he just wont, how unnfair it all is, not to mention how he treats the kids when he does actually come around them. Im just fed up, and almost 2 weeks ago I left. Took the kids and left. Am I wrong to think its emotional and verbal abuse? Because now, hes projecting everything back onto me, and hes now telling me IM the narcissist, have problems with ego, argumentative, Im the nasty one in conversations etc. And over the last few days hes gone crazy with arguments and says if I want to see changes in him I have to come home first, and If i dont then were getting divorced because those are my true colors. Manipulative. Hes now separating all our things, at least saying he is, accounts etc. I dont know just looking for some similar stories and advice. Thanks.
As I type this, hes told me hes creating a new email, a new facebook, new social accounts that arent joint, and getting whatsapp. ALL things that he forbid me to do, but now that Im gone hes doing.