My friend asked me how does she know she’s not in love with her husband. She told me she loves him but she is still Loves her ex boyfriend. She said she doesn’t want to be married but feels stuck they have 4 kids together an she don’t work. She wants to try and get in touch with her old boyfriend. Not right away. She said he husband doesn’t try anymore. She told him she’s not happy and he said than leave he wouldn’t stop her. I don’t want to give her any advice that might lead to a divorce. I want to help her but I don’t know what to say.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What advice can I give my friend who is no longer in love with her husband?
Potentially post partum depression. Does she tell her husband why she’s not happy or just that she is unhappy. He could be burnt out just as much as she is. Tell her to seek individual and couples counseling.
If she says she’s unhappy, and he says leave…then leave. That shows me he doesn’t care, and to him it’s not worth trying to figure out why she’s unhappy.
You need to stop thinking of yourself. Life goes on!
She can pack up & go with the children. They don’t want to see either parent be unhappy & if her heart has changed, she needs to go file for divorce & sole custody of the children.
IF she’s asking that question, she already knows.
Why TF do people gotta be so messy???
End one relationship before igniting another
He is already telling her to leave. Really doesn’t make it any easier. Being in a relationship like that sucks. But life is too short not to be happy.
LEAVE!! Those kids deserve to see their parents happy and not just going through the motions. Staying just ends up doing more damage.
Maybe leaving will reveal something to her. Married people need the support of their spouse.
Sounds like she is going through some kinda mid life crisis. Maybe she needs a hobby something she enjoys where she can find her happiness again cuz she won’t find it with her ex. Maybe it’s not even her current husband. Her vibes and attitude etc will rub off on the people around her and it will make it all feel like pure turmoil and nobody is happy: just advise her to find something she enjoys that makes her happy and do it. Not a person. See if her life around her changes. If it don’t and she is genuinely happy then leave and start her own life. An ex is never the answer
She needs to leave. What she is doing isn’t fair to herself but it also isn’t fair to him either. She needs to let him go so he can be with someone who actually will be IN love with him. I live by the advice of never leaving one relationship for another but she has seemingly made up her mind about not wanting to be married at all. So the only thing she can do is leave and do what is right for herself, her husband and their children.
You shouldn’t tell her anything honestly. She’s causing this mess. Let her be.
Please tell her to get a job first.
If he told her to leave like he didn’t care he answered her already
She needs to get her education if she plans on leaving, hell, she needs to do that anyhow! She’ll need a good job. And maybe the ex doesn’t even want her. She won’t be a stay at home mom anymore.
If him telling her he won’t stop her from leaving isn’t all she needs to hear , I don’t know what is.
Say you support her in her choice what ever it may be
He may be just as unhappy…however…you don’t truly know what goes on behind closed doors…or their actual conversations…only what your friend tells you……be there for her but i advise you stay out of their marriage….be a good friend…be there for her and the kids…but stay out of that!!! If anything offer marriage counseling…but that’s it!
She should see a counselor
sounds like they have both fallen out of love with each other, Sad, but it happens!!! Maybe both could start over, but with four kids, it may be a bit complicated!!!Best of luck to them all.
She’s just keeping her husband for back up in case it don’t work between her n her ex…typical…
She said she was unhappy and instead of wanting to work on anything he said just leave? If that’s true, then it’s already done. There’s no point in trying with someone who doesn’t even care if their partner is happy. But uh this also isn’t your business/situation I’m sorry, I understand you’re her friend and don’t want to watch her suffer but she won’t leave til she’s actually ready to on her own so nothing you say really matters
If you tell her anything …Tell her to grow up …her children need a MOTHER…a role model…a strong person…they can lean on…AFTER four children…and you are not sure who you love…READ that one more time…briefly saying they have four children…The rest is ALL about HER…HER…HER…I feel sorry for those children…that man can take care of himself…those children…CANNOT…
Sounds like she’s about to mess up a good marriage ( all marriages have lows )only to find out her ex boyfriend is better as a memory than as her man….
Tell your friend the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Judging by what you said she hasn’t been with her ex since before she’s had these 4 kids which is a long time. She’s in love with whoever her ex was back then, she doesn’t know him now. Also life with kids can take a toll on a marriage, maybe she can try to date her husband over again? This might help bring that spark back. She needs to really think about this decision because once she leaves it may be too late for her to ever come back.
You need to advise her that before she brings anyone else in her life she needs to become financially stable or at least making her own money to hold her end of anything. She shouldn’t be looking to jump in with someone she hasn’t been with in years.
Probably should have worked that out before marrying another man.
Also love is work. The love she has for these people is static. Actual love has to continue bekng made and growing
Listen to her, thats it. Honestly this isn’t a place for you to give advice. Its between them. Support where its needed for her, is all that is appropriate.
He is an ex for a reason. Had a friend who suffered the most horrific abuse by her ex. She still sobbed her heart out when they got divorced. Two years later she is still moping over him. Pointed out there are reason you left and you need to remember them.
I agree with ms.Ofodile, tell her to get a job first and look into low income housing, food stamps. Tell her to get her ducks in a row frist. Then leave.
Sound like he not in love with her anymore but u don’t jump out of the Skillet into the oven she need to get her self a job cause if she leaves him how is she going to support herself need to think on that
She isn’t in love with either. . . If she was then she wouldn’t keep the other around. Lust and boredom is not love. She has a man that works enough for her to stay at home and not work so she has no job and no hobbies leaving her a lot of time to talk to her ex…a temporary person who is finally giving her the attention she lacks. The grass, however, is never greener on the other side only where you water it and nurture it. Most men will not fight it because they feel inadequate when you tell them you aren’t in love and have a replacement and that doesn’t mean he isn’t in love, it means he’s lost and doesn’t know what to do. I mean if you already found a replacement how much fighting can he really do anyway? Exactly. She will be just as unhappy with the ex and any other man that comes around until she learns she needs to work on herself before going from man to man.
Keep your thoughts to yourself. She is looking for excitement
Counseling. Individual and couples counseling. It may be time to separate, but it sounds like she may be wanting greener pastures. But she needs to water her own yard first.
I would advise marriage counseling.
Sounds like she’s hoping you will tell her it’s ok to forget her “for better or for worse” and run off, ruin her kids stability and jump into bed with someone else.
If you’re a real friend you will tell her that marriage takes work. You’re not always madly in love, some days you can barely stand each other, but you communicate and work at it.
Everyone wants to give up and “just make themselves happy”, grow up…. Be a decent person and stand by your vows.
Unpopular opinion but your friend took a vow. Suck it up and fix your own grass.
Ugh. She is not happy and in love because she is thinking about other men. It is actually really simple. The:clap: grass:clap:is greener:clap:where:clap:you:clap: water it !!! Tell her to grow up and put effort into her marriage instead of being a hoe.
Well she needs to leave because obviously she doesn’t love him and probably never really has
Doesn’t sound like either is still in love and they need to get a divorce.
Why get married for one and two why the heck bring FOUR kids into it then if she still “loves” her ex
Fair enough if you’ve had your ups and downs… That’s anyyyy relationship but if she felt the need to marry him then she should go to counseling and drag his ass with her. Obviously don’t stay in a loveless marriage but don’t give up until you’ve actually tried.
And if I were her friend I’d tell her not to run back to exs. It didn’t work out for a reason.
Let her go get counselling maybe she’s bored and looking for excitement ,will the ex boyfriend be willing and able to take care of herself and kids?and so many other things but if she means she wants to move on advice her to get herself a place ,job etc first
I most definitely know that feeling I would tell her follow her heart but then again try to work things out and do couple therapy
How old is their youngest child? Is there any chance she could be going through PPD and be trying to find some kind of validations to make herself feel better etc?
Tell her to pack and leave if she isn’t happy then
She should get a hotel or something, spend a week away from hubby. Take a break. When alone, she’ll either miss him or be thankful for the distance. In that, she’ll have her answer.
she needs the husband she dont work lol husband told her to leave thats her way out lol… she wants to play and not be married… should of thought of that before getting married.
How old r their children shes guna need money to live on maybe a job pretty quick too where would she n her children live at n money to eat food. Etc while she goes hunting this ex boyfriend
The only thing I would suggest is that she get a job and start saving money. As for marital advice…maybe suggest counseling but I would advise for or against a divorce, just be there to support which ever route she goes.
She needs to leave!.. what if her husband is already seeing someone else too?..
Her husband and her need to try counseling but most of all they need to start dating each other again. When you have kids you get so busy with them. They need to take time out for themselves. Tell her to try to be more spontaneous and he should try to be more spontaneous as well.
Get a job maybe that will help if her out of the house something different does not sound like the husband cares one way or the other could try counseling still not happy move on don’t contact ex boyfriend while still with your husband
Well, first of all tell her to get a therapist to help her clarify what she’s feeling. And get her doc to do a depression screening.
The ex is a red herring. She’s fantasizing about a past that was pleasant, but add years, 4 kids & responsibilities and she’d be in the same boat with anyone else. Maybe you check out the ex on Facebook or something to see if he’s married, with kids, far away, and what he looks like now, without the bloom of youth. Ask her if she’d want to be a homewrecker. What makes her think he’d be amenable to getting back together with her? Have her envision being rejected and/or hung up on and blocked. Have her imagine another woman trying to steal her husband. Real life isn’t a romance novel.
What does she fantasize doing with this guy? Tell her to try it with hubs. She should ask her husband what his fantasies are and see if she can make some of them come true.
Then tell her to get marriage counseling and try to find that spark again. Get babysitters to give both parents a break from the daily grind. Have dates. Maybe adding more fun into her life will change her perspective. It doesn’t even have to be with her family—join a women’s kayaking group, take up yoga, have some girls nights out, take a flower arranging class, go on a short trip someplace fun with friends or solo. If she’s having more fun, feeling more alive, her husband and children might respond to her differently.
Maybe read up on and/or take parenting classes (with hubs if possible) to learn better techniques with the kids to make life ultimately easier. Consistency & holding firm can be tough but worth it. Make sure she’s getting exercise so she has more energy and stamina. Take the kids swimming, follow an exercise program online or on TV, put on music and have dance parties, run around a field with the kids and a ball. Do line dancing as a family. She & her husband should take ballroom dance classes. It’s very romantic.
If she still wants to leave, tell her she has several years of preparation. Have her contact a lawyer & women’s center and talk to some single moms and some working moms before she does anything. She’ll need to figure out how she’ll afford housing, transportation, and all the other expenses in life, maybe how to establish credit on her own. She should prepare to have backups on backups for when things don’t go according to plan. She needs to grow her village of people to support her—you can never have enough.
Have her research how much child care costs. Is she the one who pays the bills & does the family accounting? If not, she should take that over to see what’s entailed, and figure out how she’d be able to be responsible for it all.
Ask her what kind of job she’d be qualified for and what training/education she’d need to earn a living wage. Advise her to start prepping for employment by information interviewing, networking, etc.
Chances are a job at Wal*Mart won’t pay the rent, utilities and medical insurance too, she’d be better off in IT or another more lucrative profession. And she shouldn’t fantasize about work being fun & fulfilling. It may have its moments, but most people wouldn’t work if they didn’t have to. Maybe she should job shadow her husband for a day or two so she can see what he goes through to support the family.
And be there as a listening ear.
Well, first of all, you kinda need to let her make her own decisions. The best you can do is help her come up with options. She’s in a mess. Four kids and she doesn’t have a job. That would be her first move. Find work. She’s going to need money. Stay or go, making her own money is a must. Second, why did she not stay with this ex-boyfriend? What’s his story? Is he going to want her back with 4 kids to take care of? That’s a pretty expensive proposition. Third, where is she going to go? Will she have a car? Is she going to stay close enough to her husband to share custody? The kids may want that. Or maybe she and her husband just need counseling to find out if they’re just in a rut they can get out of and feel good about being together again. She needs to really think this through. It’s not just her anymore. She’s got kids.
Maybe he dont try as hard bc hes supporting her and 4 kids and working his butt off. Women like this make me I’ll. Tbis poor man working his butt off to support her all while shes googly eyed over an ex who more than likely wont want to support her and her 4 kids. I’m sure she has child support in mind but courts are changing, he makes the money, he owns everything and she had nothing to offer the kids but herself. Tell your friend to seek professional help and learn to be grateful. I’d give anything to be at home with my babies.
Also, ask her what would happen if hubs should drop dead tomorrow. How would she manage? Too many SAHMs are ill-prepared for life on their own. Don’t let her be one of them.
They need to have a conversation followed by action to be sure they have wills, power of attorney, do not resuscitate and any other documents drawn up. What are each of their final wishes? Cremation? Burial? Where? The soberness of this work might help them realize what they mean to each other and the children:
Tell her to try counceling singles and couples,
Watch the movie Fireproof
Read the 5 Love Languages
Read and do The Love Dare
Date each other again, sometimes we get so caught up in life and parenting we forget the romance.
I swear he said Leave then why you worried about divorce when HE SAID LEAVE
Husband told her to go. So first she should find work, get a place, then go from there.
Tell her to get a job and go.
Wow, four children, married and she is thinking of an old boyfriend before she married, Everybody has their daydreams and night dreams, How does she know the ex still wants her?, Get some counseling. If your husband said, Something is wqrong with both of you.Chasing rainbows and butterflies, get a jobworking from home.
She is foolish to think after marriage and 4 kids her ex would be interested…fantasy…
It’s easy to miss what once was… The person she once knew but thing is, that person changes over time too lol she might go meet up with her ex and find he’s not quite her cup of tea anymore (she hyped herself up too much) and then she’s wrecked her marriage for nothing. Stuck in a rut lol
How old are the kids? Must like screwing, but not the screwer. Just sad. Suck it up buttercup. You birthed them. Not fair to the children. Wait until the youngest is out of school.
Stay out of this mess
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Therapy for her first, and eventually couples therapy. She’s probably living a pipe dream, but don’t tell her that. She pulled 5 other people into this and owes it to them and herself to sort out this mess.
She needs to find a good counselor So chi herself can figure out what’s going on. That’s the very best advice you can give her and if you help her find a good one and I say good because there are bad ones out there, your friend will love you forever
Here’s the beat advice anyones guna give you
Stay out of it and let your mate work it out by herself…
Stay out of it!!! Stuff like this has a way of coming back to you. And don’t ever tell her to contact an ex boyfriend he is that for a reason
There’s a difference between being happy, and being distracted from sadness. The only thing she is doing right now by thinking about her ex is being distracted from her sadness. She needs to get this shit straightened out first, then take time for herself before hopping from one guy to the next. Then she will find what makes her happy, and it won’t just be a distraction from the sadness she’s feeling now.
I recommend reading confessions of a naughty housewife.
She’s probably bored and the former boyfriend was exciting… she needs to get that back… the grass isn’t always greener on the other-side. Water your own grass…
Sounds like she’s bored her life is full of commitment she’s prob looking at the kinda life her ex is living right now and wants a bitnof freedom she needs a girls weekend away to appreciate her family and what she has
They have to communicate or it won’t work and if that’s how he feels then she needs to make herself happy but not hoping straight back to ex the honeymoon faze will only last for so long, and they are usually an ex for a reason have her outweigh the pros and cons
Good god… back away slowly from this train wreck
Too bad lady. You made a commitment. You now have 4 children - grow up!!!
I would recommend just telling her your their for her and will continue to be with whatever choice she makes… if you try to step into this mess you’ll be setting yourself up for loosing a friend, possibly? Not all cases but I found myself trying to fix a friend’s marriage with her, it ended badly and I was the bad person for the advice I was giving her when I thought I was helping her… so 14 years of friendship was lost! Just be there for a shoulder! Help her thru it but I’d stay out of the middle of what the marriage is going through!
Sleep in separate room
Exes are exes for a reason. She has to much time on her hands, she needs to get a job.
Let your husband go. He deserves so much more.
Say " Not my circus, not my monkeys"
It sounds like lack of nurturing their relationship. If they care about their relationship they need to find a way to reconnect. Sometimes it isn’t about falling out of love, sometimes people just get so swept up in life they stop trying. Never stop trying to woo your partner.
Sometimes divorce really is the best option. If your friend is already planning on seeking out an ex, she’s already mentally checked out of the relationship. Let that man go so he can find someone not still fawning over their ex.
You want to keep your friend, don’t give her any advice. It’s her choice to make and if you give the wrong advice, she could end up mad at you.
Tired of hearing all this nonsense. You people are in such a rush to have a relationship with people you don’t know. You get involved have kids and then you don’t want this person anymore. STUPID!!! TAKE YOUR TIME AND…GET MARRIED. ESTABLISH A HOME WHERE A FAMILY THRIVES. YOUR KIDS ARE COUNTING ON IT.
Stop being hoe and grow up and be mom and wife she doesn’t want that anymore more than she should leave and husband have sole custody that way she can go “play” and not as she refers to as stuck
She has the last word so let her you think!
People don’t try these days, it’s sad.
Tell her grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It grows where it’s nurtured. Maybe marriage counseling. Sounds like they have gotten too comfortable with each other and both stopped trying. But he’s an ex for a reason, one way or another. It didn’t work out for a reason before. Before she throws in the towel she might want to think long and hard about what it might end up costing her.
Her husband deserves someone who loves him unconditionally. She should leave.
How long have they been married?
Best thing u can do is tell her to seek counseling alone and together. Just be a listening ear but I’d stay away from giving advice. Especially if they work it out it will blow up in your face. Marriages go through ebbs and flows
Sounds like she is in love with a fantasy. The ex probably could care less for her. Tell her to return to reality.
Seriously do not give any advise. Either way, it will not work out well. The ex-boyfriend has become a much better catch over time than he likely ever was. He moved on from him for a reason that she chooses to gloss over now. I doubt that ex-boyfriend is going to want to take care of that many children from another man. Her husband will be hurt to no end and that relationship will be ruined. She will have to work to support those kids. She may have more. Life isn’t that great for a divorced woman. It is difficult, if not nearly impossible, to earn enough to support a family on your own. She will always be tired. Run from any relationship questions. Seriously….RUN.
If my hubby told me leave I won’t stop you,I’m pretty sure I would.but looking at an old boyfriend to make her happy,well that’s just dumb. She needs to do some soul searching within herself.
She needs to have a good long look at herself and the reasons this ex boyfriend seems so appealing
She doesn’t work so how is she going to support herself kids pay rent put food on the table.
Is she going to expect current husband to still support her or is she going to expect the ex to support her and the kids. Getting a job will involve childcare. Yhe grass is not always greener. She needs to work out what she wants.
At the end of the day the husband and kids deserve someone who loves them and not pining for a dream
I like how she’s trying to twist the story to make herself look like the victim when in reality it’s him. Someone doesn’t just randomly love their ex boyfriend all of a sudden. She’s been stepping out and going out of her way to speak to her ex boyfriend. Idc if she’s saying she wants to try and communicate with him, I know for a fact she already has been. You don’t just decide you love him out of the blue there was communication there. She built a life with her current partner. I wonder how long she’s been talking to her ex boyfriend for. She says her husband stopped trying? I’m pretty sure she’s the one who stopped cause she’s daydreaming about her ex boyfriend. She is NOT the victim and needs to stop turning it around on him. This is her fault and he deserves someone who will love him unconditionally.