Don’t tell them. And walk away. Go to them and grab their hand and say your going to take a shower now and put them in the bathroom. Sure its an extra step fir you but you won’t get aggravated saying it over and over.
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Sit each child down at different times and have a conversation with them. Tell them how u hate shouting and u expect that now that they are bigger they would listen without u having to shout. And say it once or twice. If it pushes to 3rd take away whatever is not making them listen. And don’t hand It back untill the time u said u would…explain to them that sometimes 1 person’s punishment can affect them both as they share toys. So they should be each other’s keeper. As for your husband, some parenting classes maybe.
They’re doing this because there are no consequences. Warn them twice that if they don’t listen, they’ll lose their video games (or iPad or whatever) for 1-2 days (depending on the request). The third time they ignore you, take away those devices immediately. They’ll learn. Currently, they’re trying to buy extra time. Most kids pull this crap because most parents are too tired to enforce consequences.
Likewise, set up a reward system for listening the first time. Award a sticker or whatever every time they listen the first time. If they earn (choose) so many stickers during the week, they get something fun or special on the weekend.
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As someone who is ADHD please don’t punish them for the things you are describing which are literally out of their control the damage it does can never be repaired and leads to a life of confusion and never feeling like enough because we don’t understand why we are being punished because our brains work different we aren’t doing it on purpose it’s just who we are please don’t punish them for it 
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Why don’t you come up with a list of consequences. Then explain to your boys that when you ask them to do something (give them a few minutes to process it) and you start counting that once you get to 10 they have to face a consequence.
Small consequences,
They lose screen time
No shack before bed
They’ll lose some tv time
Get a toy taken away
This way they’ll know they have to obey or else they’ll lose out on something they want.
And tell hubby to lay back a little. I know it’s annoying but all kids test the waters. Your boys really aren’t doing anything an average 8-12 yo boy does. They’re hardheaded and easily distracted. Good luck…
Say it twice. If they haven’t moved to do it, get up take them by the hand and walk them to the shower, to the table to eat etc. They may find humor in this at first but they will get tired of being treated like a baby quickly
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I’m ADHD and my husband and our son are too and all have anxiety. As far as we go, routine helps. We have to have structure. We’re forgetful because we literally just bounce from one thing to another. Yelling and hollering will cause us to kinda shut down. We don’t process what your saying just that you are angry when saying it and probably catch attitude back. Also cats are very relaxing. The purring and stuff will ground you when your a little too wound up. My advice is to just have a schedule and calming redirect to stay on task.
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Turn tv off , they will soon learn , everything takes time …
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I watched this video about not raising your voice. Create a consequence. Know it ahead of time. Ask them to do the task 1x. If they do not, stop them and have them look you in the eye and say “you need to do this task or there will be this consequence” and if you have to ask again you said “I’ve asked you to do this task and you did not, now your consequence is this” and stick to it.
I failed this method like 6x tonight. But its worth a shot lol. Yelling creates unnecessary tension. Kids will learn, we just have to teach.
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Mother of four here, all kids do the same, with or without the medical titles good grief they are kids. I had a miracle maker a switch mind you. I would tell my kids no more then once to do something, and sure enough it was done. It only took once, and a swat on the butt and a miracle happened. Regardless if your child is special nothing is wrong with a swat on the butt to get them in hand and discipline them. Just remember there is a difference between discipline and abuse.
Sometimes it may help to nave them repeat what you have told them to do so the instructions are clear give them certain length of time to be doing as asked
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I have this system going on if I can call it that but it works for me. As soon as my son gets home he eats, homework, shower, help clean whatever else. Like for example if I washed he has to put away his own clothes. After all of that is taken care of then he is free to do whatever he chooses. Forgot to mention no tv. Or cellphone or video games after he has completed with everything. Works more than other stuff for me. Might give it a try with a change here and there. Like a schedule.
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Definitely following!!
Glad you’re getting outside supports. My only advice is never to parent from your husband’s heart when it’s not your own. I speak from experience. My children hardly knew who I was because everything was filtered through this persona that wasn’t even me. And I was moodier, because I didn’t really believe in what I was saying. I had to stop. It hadn’t been easy on anyone really, but I can never get back moments to be authentic with my children. They grow and are gone so soon, and they will spend the rest of their lives with their childhood memories. They should at least be real. And they noticed! They say I am more relaxed and fun. Find ways to compromise without compromising who you are.
I like to use “natural consequences,” rather than punishment. Look up two things:
- Love and Logic parenting
- A woman named Karyn Purvis. She had videos on YouTube.
Sending love and light, good luck mama 
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Your 11 ye old is the child your husband is the adult so maybe you should be asking your husband to adjust and find a way to deal with that type of behavior, I don’t think it’s entirely up to just the kid to change the situation.lead by example…plus I really don’t think you would of posted this for yourself had your husband not been aggravated…maybe you all need to find a healthy way of dealing with the situation before just getting aggressive or mad at the kiddos
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You may need professional help. If your children have problems are they being treated by professionals. Check the availability of help through your school or your pediatrician.
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Tell them, then If they start meandering…”You’ve got five minutes to do what I have TOLD you to do, or no (insert whatever they love most) for a week.”
Ps- you sound like a total ass when you call your son a space cadet.
Watch episodes of super nanny on youtube! So many helpful tips😊
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Most neurodivergent people need more time than neurotypical people to transition to a new task or room. There’s also executive dysfunction that goes along with having ADHD specifically
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Try to set up a schedule for him to follow and set timers for him to do all his personal thing he does before he has to do his errands and say when timer goes off, time to complete his goal. Maybe give him reward(preferred snacks or food) for correcting his behaviors with timers and hopefully it help keep him on the track
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Take away every thing that is destracting them, stop them from doing their fun activities ,ground them, give them extra chores to do
Even if that means doing your neighbors yards
When my grand kids (aged 14, 12 and 10)
Act like that
I give them 3 warnings
Then I will take away all their gaming devices and lock off their access to Stan, Netflix and Foxtel
And I will just leave them with you tube
For 2 weeks
Kids need discipline not the "softly softly "approach
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Take their favorite stuff away. They will get the message. Every time they do not listen…take something away for a week. They will get the message!
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Lightly bribe him. Get in the shower for ice cream, cookie, quarter, read him a story, something he enjoys. Hold the bribe until he has task done and tell him done right, no short cuts.
Make a list of chores they need to do and take away there electronics make a schedule for them if needed and definitely sit them down and explain that what they have been doing is not OK and moving forward your settings rules and explain to them that everything will be taken away until they do what they need to do
This is literally why I’m single and plan to stay that way. When someone doesn’t understand ADHD and they demand punishments for things that are out of the kids control instead of learning about ahdh and how their brains function. If your husband does understand it or doesn’t care to. There is definitely room for improvement on the kids end but they aren’t doing it to be bad they really aren’t. With my son I do find giving him options is helpful because they still feel they have some control. Would you like to shower before supper or after? Its also very important with my sons adhd brain to give notice before expecting a change in task ie in 5 minutes you need to have your shower. If there is any arguments I will tell him he either does it or loses something he finds important to him like his tablet which is usually effective. Its hard to parent a child with adhd especially a stubborn one and especially if your partner doesn’t understand it. You could try cognitive behavior therapy that we found helpful. But my goodness I’ll tell the kid to get a yogourt from the fridge and hes distracted by 50 things and then forgotten what he is doing… like literally forgot 
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Theyre kids. Not robots.
Only way they will learn is with support and repetition. - have child recite it back to you…
I usually end it with ‘the correct answer is Yes Mumma’
And we often talk about there being consequences to every action we take, it just depends on what actions we choose to whether or not the consequences are good or bad…
A to do chart might help. We have a whiteboard on top of the fridge for morning & night routines.
I also set multiple alarms to go off at those times which helps us keep on task bc its so easy to get distracted without even knowing.
I also warn them… 10min til bath time… then 5min. And 2min so pack up time now then 1min and then lets go…
I have adhd & am solo mum to 4 at home. 2 boys have adhd. Another is autistic. & they all have different processing disorders. GDD. SPD. APD. EPD/regulation issues. Hearing loss. Dylexia. Anxiety…
And until i did many hours of research into what each meant & the struggles it would entail on daily lifes tasks (i learnt alot about myself too) was i able to cope better… and link the possible factors together. Which help ease my frustrations & increase my patience level… & tweak the way we do things… and i just work the 1yo around all the others.
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Couple of things… First off husband needs to back off with *his temper tantrums & poor handling of a special needs child - it’s not helping but rather making things worse … Secondly I highly recommend you take your child off of meds - Western meds- & look into a homeopathic/ Eastern medical treatment for him …
Husband needs to study up on interacting with children with ADHD you may need to too …
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As someone with ADHD with ADHD kids…the husband needs to learn to be upset about things that really matter. Choose your battles. Create routines with alarms.
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I have adhd and my mom never understood what I needed. She yelled and took things away instead of doing research on how to deal with adhd kids. Please do your research and talk to someone who knows about adhd.
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My youngest is a sensory. Child and oldest has learning difficulties and dyslexia i go about them both the same way they get told once if they ignored me they lose their technology or their toys i get fed up with being ignored more times they ignore me the longer they go without and it works most of the times my youngest can be more stubborn but just means his brother gets his stuff back sooner then him
It would help you and your husband to learn more about what adhd is, what it’s not, and how children their age with their specific
Issues can do better. I’ve found that a standard and consistent routine is a major help. Has to be consistent and it also should be written down so that they can see it and refer to it. It will not cure this overnight…but over time as long as it is implemented and followed through with consistently, will help considerably. Yelling WILL NOT FIX ANYTHING. I know it’s hard to have patience but you tell every single
Time and still have the same problem. Time to try something different. TKing things away isn’t helpful either because their brains are wired differently and they aren’t doing these things on purpose. It’s a major symptom of their diagnosis and something they either can’t control or really struggle with controlling. You’re just creating resentment and stress for everyone handling it with anger and yelling. I know it’s hard. But it will
Absolutely be worth
Trying the complete
Opposite approach long
Term. Good luck.
Whisper. Hard to do at first, but it definitely gets their attention, even a kid with ADHD, autism, and anxiety, all 3 of which my 1 child has. Raising your voice and yelling or losing your temper because you’re frustrated only makes all of the issues they face so much worse for a child who has any of these issues and doesn’t help anyone nor the situation at hand. Being cool, calm, and using a soft or whispering voice and for some reason they’ll tune in almost like magic. To them it’s like us hearing a juicy piece of gossip or overhearing a conversation or a big secret that you’re not supposed to hear or know about, and while you know you shouldn’t listen in, you don’t want to miss the big reveal. Lol! I swear my kid can’t hear until I whisper and then he’s all ears! Rewards are also great to use. Mine is 16 now, and I still use these things to get him to help or do whatever I need him to do. A good example is like today I was exhausted after work because I didn’t get enough sleep last night, so I really wanted and desperately needed a nap and I knew I wouldn’t get an uninterrupted nap unless there was something to help him remind himself to keep it quiet for a little while, but it has to be something he really likes and can’t just get or help himself to normally, which just so happens to be a candy bar. I promised him a candy bar if he could keep it really quiet and not wake me up, and it worked as I expected and have come to learn will work for him every time. I didn’t have to yell or make threats. I just simply told him if he could keep it completely quiet until the timer went off, he’d get rewarded for doing so. Worked liked a charm. And a child with ADHD or anxiety or any other issue like autism, it’s absolutely pointless and self defeating and just plain cruel to punish them for something out of their control and it only makes the issues much worse, especially in someone with anxiety, and it literally builds up walls and can often cause them to “act out” in defiance or because they feel like they’re a screwup and you hate them and are mean to them, even if you’re not and you’re just frustrated. You don’t want them feeling like that. Best to just whisper or tell them in a soft tone what you need or expect them to do and when it needs to be done, and then set a timer to give them a few minutes to shift to doing whatever you need them to do, and remind them in 2-3 minutes that it’s almost time to do x, y, z, and when the timer goes off, times up, go do it, in a gentle tone or whisper. Stepdad also needs to chill out and work on better ways to help parent and parenting techniques to help you too as well as to help build a relationship and bond with your children. What he’s doing is going to cause resentment and issues down the road if he doesn’t learn how to cope with having kids and having kids who are and need to be handled differently than the way he thinks or expects kids to be or way to be handled. I mean they’re kids first off, and kids aren’t little soldiers who snap to attention and immediately do as ordered. They’re going to get sidetracked and especially if they’re younger and especially if they have ADD/ADHD, so it would serve you both well to get some structure and schedules going and to also lay off the high expectations of children, and to start working on a better way to parent kids who have ADHD and anxiety. Try putting yourself in your children’s shoes for a moment and then decide how you’d like to be treated and the expectations you’d have for your own parents if you had to deal with these issues as a kid and were always being yelled at and threatened or punished. Remember, they’re only little once, but sometimes you can cause a lifetime of damage too. When you know better, you do better. Sounds like a therapist who specializes in anxiety and ADD/ADHD, etc and blended families for family counseling and parenting tips and techniques would help you all navigate your way through these various issues, and what I would do if what I and others who have children with any of the issues you listed have suggested doesn’t work or help. But regardless, whatever you choose to do, it needs to be consistent until it becomes a habit.
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The problem isn’t your neurodivergent child it’s your partner who cracks it like a baby and has the patience and maturity of a toddler. He needs to learn better coping skills and not expect literal children to do all of the emotional load.
You can’t punish the ADHD out of him. You just have to learn how he works and find solutions that suit him and his needs. You can’t just force compliance.
Read the Ross Greene books they’re the best out there and help majority with learning how to understand neurodivergent kids.
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Maybe you’re husband should back off
And lower his expectations…
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Unless it needs to be right away try a five minute warning like five minutes till shower time. And look into parenting class
Try making a schedule like a visual schedule with times . Like dinner at this time showers at this time. And also instead of yelling try getting on his level. Eye to eye and close so he’s not looking behind you at the tv. And tell him to look at you and say hey bud I’ve asked you 5 times to go take a shower. I’m trying to not lose my shit on you, so you need to go now. Be firm. You can do that and not yell. I’m working on that too. I have to do that with my 7 year old he’s got ADHD ( thinking he may have a touch of ODD as well) and I have to get on his level and tell him to look at me for us to get the message across
No punishment is needed. They just need to understand you mean what you say before you have to raise your voice. Try going to them and being on their level and ask can you go for a shower etc. This won’t work straight away it will take time but keep going back and be honest with them. Back to their level and repeat yourself but add you are trying hard not to shout. Also bare in mind your timings of asking them to do things, nobody wants to be made to get up straight away to do something they don’t want to when they are busy.
Also children love a power struggle they need to feel they have some control so ask would you like a shower before or after tea. Let them make some decisions.
Have a good routine set up at home that works for you all and really work on the anger, scaring them into submission can cause lots more problems down the line. Best of luck parenting is difficult.
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Have either of you taken any time to actually understand your child - their needs and how their medical issues actually affect them? And I mean the child - not your husband or you.
I have two neuro-divergent children. Their brains work differently to “normal” brains. How they process information is different - and that processing and needs can change constantly. Learn how to provide what your child needs to thrive - instead of setting them up for failure. One easy step if you want things doing - is to start by giving them time to process… so for example - in 10 mins you need to be doing such and such. Then a 5 min heads up of what going to happen etc.
He’s stalling… my son is the same, kids will do anything and everything to avoid showers, homework, bedtime etc
First off - have been dealing with the same thing from my son. Someday he still does this, but others he’s great. A great technique I found for morning and bed time routines is visual cue cards. I made them up myself with little cartoon pictures from Google and the listed activity - such as get dressed, brush teeth, shower etc. I also laminated them so they last. I grab them down, put them on the Bench face up and he goes about his morning putting each one away as he gets it done.
I also have to turn off the TV, or take whatever he’s playing with off him. Also giving him 5-10 minute warnings and breaking big tasks down into little one - such as rather than saying ‘clean up your room’ I’ll ask him to 1st pick up toys 2nd put dirty clothes in laundry 3rd make bed. Making things a competition or offering to time to see how long something takes him helps. I also try to take notice and praise him when he has done a few things first time asked and try to look for more things that are positive - sometimes I may get him something or do something special when he’s had a really good week too. Rewards and praise are so much more valuable and motivating when they’re not all the time and they don’t being to expect Rewards for everyday things they should be doing anyway.
Honestly there are days when none of these work but I would have to say it’s maybe 1 or 2 days a month and it’s usually when something else has him out of sorts. Just try to keep a sense of humour, look for opportunities to make it fun and you and your husband will feel so much better eith it all 
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Mamma it’s fucking insane I am not going to lie I have two ADHD kids one is mild other one severe. Sometimes I want to run up too the walls and just scream on the top of my voice I cry myself to sleep sometimes but then I remember if I feel like this what must they be feeling. It’s hard my youngest one is on 4 different tables just to stabilize her moods ect. The only advise I can give is both the parents needs patients and loads of it because if you feeling like that they feel 10 times worse they brains can’t process everything at once
I’d start by getting rid of the husband.
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Sounds to me your kids have some issues that you know about but are otherwise great kids and the husband is not supportive at all. In my eyes he’s the problem not the kids so instead of discipline for them I’d have a heart to heart with the husband. Have him do some research and talk to their doctors maybe even group therapy and if he didn’t change his ways he’d have to go.
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Sit down as a family and set strict boundaries and stick to them. Do fun filled days as a family. If kids break rules they should have consequences.
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Firstly wow… YOUR husband needs educating, stop putting a man before your kids hes behavior and attitude needs changing. He needs to do loads of research on how to be around your boys… we a asd adhd (other hidden disabilities) household and each day is different but the parents need to be on the same page. Is there any fun days anywhere for families with asd adhd were you can all go as a family to show hubby. Hubby is problem not the kids…
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The one that talks loud…have hearing checked
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Almost every child I have ever known does this exact thing. Also, anyone with ADD or ADHD is going to exhibit behavior like this. Getting angry or fighting is only going to make it worse. Maybe think about family counseling to learn how to deal with it.
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Maybe talk to an OT for strategies to help you talk/give instructions so they listen or rather process what tou are saying 
sounds like a sensory overload rather than being naughty
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Reward good behavior… not so much punish bad behavior… example. Do something 1st time… =1$ ask 2x .75, 3x .50… etc. Choose the items you want to work on… OR… create a bed time/morning time chart… getting every item done BEFORE… (Set a time) = so many points… so many points = special activity child gets to pick from a list. Talk to child… Mom and Dad are frustrated with____ We think you’re big enough now to_____ SO… to help you… We created______the rewards being____. And once we try this for 1 month we will review and see how it goes… you fill the blanks depending on your child/family, etc… you could also include your child… in creating a system that will work… by asking… What do you think will help you… get x,y,z done without it becoming a situation where you are getting yelled at… and Mom n Dad are getting frustrated… good luck!!
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Sounds pretty much the same for most kids
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Calm Parenting Podcast has some great suggestions.
There are some fantastic tools in this book… we have mostly implemented “When, Then” for this type of situation. For e.g. “when you have had a shower then you can have tech time” or “when you have taken the rubbish out, then you can join us at the table for dinner” the “Then” should always be something that would normally occur so as not to constitute a ‘bribe’ as such but rather puts a timeframe on requests. In your example it would look something like, “when you’ve had a shower, then you can pat/cuddle/play with the cat” follow through by removing the ‘Then’ until the ‘When’ request is completed and try to use a ‘Then’ that appeals to the child (pick your timing to implement this tool). There are numerous other tools throughout the book that I think you’ll find easy to implement and very effective. Best of luck x
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So, mom of 3 boys here. Kids not doing when you ask while young is what I see as normal. My oldest hasn’t been that way. He has always listened. As far as the other child. As soon as you have an attitude they will react to it and it makes it worse. In order for that child to remain chill and do better then ya’ll have to do better. My middle son is the same. I use to be doing the same thing ya’ll are doing. Losing my cool. It made it worse. When I realized I had to keep my voice and tone normal and just talk and not demand. Everything got better. Sometimes it’s us parents that is the problem on why our kids react the way they do. We have to learn our kids because they all react to us differently. It’s a lot of learning and paying attention but it is well worth it in the end.
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ADHD. Always takes a long time to function. It’s what their brain dose gotta do everything all at once or do nothing at all. Then pay the cat 4x watch telle and then play with a toy. Be firm don’t yell
Anxiety will turn to a flight or fight mode.
Do not yell it’ll make them worse. And even turn their brains into thinking you don’t like them, or have them thinking the worse like their a burden.
And resort into them going into a fantasy land they’ve created to escape trauma.
I have been diagnosed with both these.
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What’s it got to do with how step dad feels? Always do what’s best for your kids. Step dad sounds like a little boy whose not mature enough for the responsibility he’s taken on. You need support and understanding, not someone fighting you on parenting your own children. Let your kids be kids. Would it bother you if your man wasn’t pressuring you? You are describing every kid in the world, none do what they’re told first time everytime, unless maybe their too scared not to. I vote lose the man-baby.
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This is normal behaviour unfortunately. Kids tune us out alot too so they aren’t even listening. Unfortunately this continues even when they are older. Get on your knees and get to their eye level. Let them look right at you. Ask for what you need them to do. Make sure you have their full attention. As for your husband tell him they are kids and he needs to be more patient as this behaviour is normal.
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As someone with ADHD,
You are punishing your kid for being spacey- this is something we can’t really control. Traditional discipline doesn’t work with us because our brains don’t function like nuerotypical folks. Redirecting is the name of the game , you may have to do this a few times. Chances are you are doing more harm then good. There are some great books about disciplining kids with ADHD!
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Instead of asking repeatedly, just get up and walk them to the bathroom and don’t leave until they get into the shower. My oldest son does procrastinating like no other and this is what works. 11 Year old won’t like it but when he protests tell him that when he starts gets in the shower the first time, then you won’t have to go with him.
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just sounds like typical kids to me and your husband sounds toxic. id suggest to go get counselling for your self
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My kids do this. I believe it’s a control issue. It drives me mad.
I’m convinced all my children like to be dirtballs. We can tell the 7, 8, 11, 13 year olds to shower & they act like the world is gonna end. Recently after telling each of them to shower in a particular order…an hour or so later no one had done anything the girl included 
My husband & I experience the same thing.
You and dad both need to give your boys some grace. This is normal child behavior, especially for their age but for children with ADHD, doing simple tasks is so much harder. My 17 yr old was diagnosed with it when she was 6 yrs old. You and dad both need to do some research together on how ADHD affects children of different ages and also the different affects between boys and girls. A lot of people think ADHD is just a very hyper kid but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I would have to literally direct everything my daughter did during the evenings after school for years. I would have to sit and make sure she got started on her homework, otherwise she would sit there and stare at the pages but never do anything. Once she got started, I could then get up and do whatever I needed to do. At shower time, I had to physically steer her into the bathroom, run the water and make sure she started washing when she got in the shower. Otherwise, she would sit there and play in the tub and just let the water run over her head. After she washed herself, then I let her play for a little while, usually until the water went cold if that’s what she wanted 
after bath we had usually had 30 minutes to an hour before bedtime and she would either play by herself or ask me to play with her or watch a movie. This is when I would offer bedtime snacks because if I didn’t, as soon as she got in bed she would start yelling she was dying of hunger and thirst. Her sperm donor is pretty much non existent so it was just me and her for a long time. When my husband came into our lives when she was 14, even though he had girls older than her, they were all pretty neurotypical so he had no experience with ADHD. But he was willing to learn and that made me love him even more. She listens pretty well but when she doesn’t want to, he breaks out the “Dad voice” and she will straighten up fast. But he doesn’t yell and there are no tears. It’s that stern male voice and she responds to it well. Maybe he can talk to his own mama and she can tell him how HE was as a boy and I’m sure there will be a lot of similarities. I know that it’s our job to get our children ready for the real world where others may not be so kind and accommodating, but they’re 8 and 10, they don’t need that right now and if this is the only issue you’re having with them, you’re doing pretty good mama!
Normal child behavior, but let’s not sugarcoat it either. I feel like every single kid has an issue today that requires medication (ADD, ADHD, Autism, Anxiety and the list goes on) Look at the school system. The special Ed classrooms are bigger than they have ever been. I’ve know kids for years that seemed completely normal and their parents one day say to me, “The doctor says my kid has ADHD.” - talk about mind blown. I really hate to see our future, is their bosses going to grab there hands and walk them to their work or gently keep telling them they have to do their work. We need to prepare these kids for the real world and weather we like it or not it’s a cruel place! I’m sorry if this isn’t something you want to hear but this is reality.
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I go through the SAME thing and it’s hard Mama emotionally you want to be a good parent and a good wife.
Maybe next time it’s shower time you can take their hand first and say it’s shower time and lead them slight to the bathroom. Don’t give him a chance to be distracted.
Following as need ideas for my lot of kids
I don’t have a husband, but I set time limits. I count down… you have 10 minutes till bath time… you have 5 minutes left… get what you want for your bath (action figures, Barbie’s… whatever) and I run the water. I think it helps because it’s not just sprung on them at that very moment. Kids will be kids and will procrastinate on things they don’t really want to do. 
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I would say get them both little timers and leave it by them. Give them like 5-10 minutes to finish up with what they’re doing but once it goes off, they have to do what was asked of them. Maybe if they have watches you can ask them to set their timer on their watch to whatever time you’d like them in there. Sometimes, having a schedule board really helps… when kids know when and what is expected of them, they will manage around their schedule board. Say one showers morning, one showers night. And they are for 7am/pm. I dunno, just a thought… I’ve heard kids thrive really well with set schedules.
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You may have to physically walk the child to their room and get their clothes and physically walk him into the bathroom and tell him to shower
It’s normal behavior for that age. Hormones are raging and his brain is exploding in this child/preteen development. Sometimes Dads just have less patience. But sounds like overall you’ve got some good kids. Just try some different tactics…like hey 11yo you have a choice get in the shower or lose 15 minutes of TV time/games etc…only 2 options if they don’t choose the first one then immediately take the 15 minutes away or whatever is a driver for him
Here for the comments as i have a similar situation
So try offer two option. Both of which you want done. Gives them a little control. For instance “ you need to shower and brush your teeth which one do you want to do first?”
My 9 year old with ADHD has to be told numerous times too. I’ve gotten used to it. I’ve accepted that’s what it is and hope he’ll get better with it as he gets older. I allow for more time to do things because we already know my son is going to be sidetracked and or take his time doing just about anything. But your husband don’t need to be yelling at them when they already have anxiety and adhd! If you know it’s going to take you telling him to get in the shower 10x before he does it and you don’t have time for it then physically walk with him to the bathroom and tell him it’s time to get a shower. He’s adhd so he’s going to get distracted, especially if it’s something he has no interest in doing. There’s no need to discipline just because your kid takes his time getting into shower.
My kids do this it’s just kids being kids🤣
What I find helps with bath/shower time is I tell my eldest about 6pm that he’s got half hour to get in the shower & wash, he could get in it sooner if he wants but if not I will remind him again half hour later and if he hasn’t already he needs to do it now! It actually stops us bickering like “give me a minute mum” because I’ve already told him once so he knows not to push it x
I think you may have to think differently and outside the box. Playfulness will take you further and make all more happy. Try a more softer approach and watch your words. Give warnings of time for example. Five more minutes then it is time to take a shower. Have visuals and cues such as a timer. Ok the timer went off… I will race you. Make it fun and a game. Channel your inner child. Your time will be more pleasurable around your children. Let them know what to expect in a timely manner. For example today this is the schedule. Write it down. 1. Brush teeth 2. Clean room. Give them encouraging words. I know you can do this. You got this. Way to go!
The way you speak and energy you emit will be reciprocated. Positive parenting. Try making fun challenges. First one out the door 
… let’s race… think outside the box and the internet has great ideas.
Set challenges and rewards… movies 
… you have done all your chores let’s have game night or play soccer outside… little fun surprises. Sounds like they should have lots of physical exercise too so they will be all tired out too and behaviours may be less likely to occur. Hve reasonable expectations. All kids do no do things right that second. My child tests my patience. The key is do not react. When kids push our buttons. It’s for a reason. Dig deep they are wanting your attention and give positive attention and patience. They are seeking time and attention and will copy the behaviour noth you and your husband model.
Lots of good books in parenting too! Good luck. I have many years experience with children and children with special needs. I would invest in fidget toys and sensory toys as well…
Water timer. A cool weighted sensory bag… somethings to assist with transitions. Cool glow sticks for shower can be an incentive…
I could go on and on… just make sure to let your kids know what to expect routine wise and schedule wise. Consistency works. Pay attention to foods as well. Sugars and time of day that sort of food is eaten. It could contribute to behaviours. If a child just had milk and cookies you may want them to dance it off or get that energy out because they will bounce off the walls 
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You do realize these are kids, not tiny adults. You need to tell your husband that if he doesn’t stop emotionally abusing your kids you won’t be with him. Start putting your kids needs to develop into healthy non traumatized adults you need to make sure they know you will choose them over everything. And when you do loose your shit, you need to apologize to your kids. You’re gonna end up with two kids that leave you and cut you out of their lives as soon as they can.
From what I’ve read it seems to me that u’re part of the problem! Excuses, excuses, excuses!!! Poor parenting!!!
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My son also has ADHD and as you know part of raising a child with ADHD is it’s really hard for him to complete tasks, as you stated it’s not defiance it’s literally their little personalities. Don’t take this wrong, while I know it’s frustrating I feel like your pressure for enforcing such punishment is due to your husband‘s impatience. Your husband‘s impatience has little to do with your children’s behaviors and struggles, meet them wherever they’re at. But, I do find that when I get upset and yell at my son for not completing a task it just makes the situation worse, so I have to be very intentional about how I react because they don’t not listen because that’s how they want to choose to behave, gentle reminders and patience go along way!
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We have the SAME problem with our 9 year old boy and we have started looking into cutting out red dye 40. Its supposedly linked to behavioral issues.
It sounds like they both have
giftedness with high emotional intensity.
Look up:
Giftedness with Emotional Intensity by Meghan Barlow
It is a podcast. It may be eye opening to what you are experiencing. It will give both you and your child techniques to deal with it. The yelling won’t get you anywhere and actually will have a resentment factor later. Good luck.
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I remember sort of the same thing with my kid who is now 53 lol. Put the ball in his court. if 9:00 is his bed time carefully, no shouting, at 8:30 tell him he has 1/2 hour to do what ever he needs to do but, if he’s not in bed at 9:30, there will be a punishment. If need be, set a timer so he can hear the sound go off at 9:00, then you aren’t the bully, the timer is. Worked for me, good luck.
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Wow been there done that sounds like you need to change. Unfortunately kids push boundaries and well they are testing you and they are winning except for the meds. Sounds like you should maybe do some counselling because it sounds like your kids being kids.
As a preschool teacher I would 100% agree with the warnings-10 min until this, 5 min till this- now it’s time to x,y,x. If you have to… stand there until they go and give them a count down, 5,4,3,2,1. Then tell them you’ve given them warnings and counted down. Now either they can get up and do it themselves or you can help them (ex: give them a hand up, remove/turn off distractions, usher them to where they are supposed to be etc.) you MUST follow through EVERY time though. The second you say “I don’t have the energy for this today” they will realize you are going to give if they push Back hard enough, whine enough etc.
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Give them times. My daughter will be spacey and procrastinates horribly. She’s a teenager now but I’ve found for years if I say, by XX:XX time you need to be in the shower. Or at this time you need to clean your room or have your room clean by this time. I give 15-30 min heads up for most things. And then if she doesn’t do it she gets no electronics (no phone, tv, video games, etc) I don’t yell I just simply explain, you didn’t do what I asked by such and such time so the consequence will be not being able to go to a friend’s house, no electronics, no movies, or whatever it is for such and such amount of time.
I make my expectations very clear and give clear times for it. And she knows there is a clear consequence. I find that being very clear about what you are asking of them helps. It saves you From arguments and you don’t have to raise your voice. I saw a huge improvement after a few weeks of beginning this years ago. but you have to stick with it. You can’t give in or give exceptions.
Here for the advice.
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I can only say, without reading any posts or beyond the 11y/o being ADHD…is that you have to be firm, and consistent! Especially with children who are with adhd. Their siblings will learn the pattern as well. If they don’t make a move, gently help guide them to it then! You as the parent are their parent. So, when the child sits and pets the dog, go to said child, grab their hand you can say yes, doggy is cute now let’s move along-and head them to the bathroom. Or to get the toys up. Or to bed. Or to the dinner table. It doesn’t have to be an argument. You can reinforce the command, not ignore their picking up the toy-just say, oh thanks for picking up that toy. We’re you going to put that away?! Also shut the tv off! You are the parent, so parent. And as their step-dad, he too can play a more active role by guiding this along. If it drives him bonkers then he and you should both be working together. If not then be the one to lead by example. You however are their parent so, be firm!!!
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How old is this kid? Teens are the worse but stick to your guns and don’t let him run you! If the bell goes off and he’s making excuses for not being in bed, take away his prized possession or tall him no games after dinner. Kids need structure, all this shouting makes him think you’re an ogre, no more shouting, this isn’t a boxing match
So…you have to understand that people with ADHD tend to have what’s called time-blindness.
They’ll stop (for example) to pet the cat…to them it feels like just a few seconds when in reality it’s several minutes.
People with ADHD also have issues with transitioning. Like transitioning from play time to bath time.
People with ADHD also have struggles with executive functioning. And to this the reason they don’t do something until you’re snappy is because until that point it’s not “urgent” in their mind.
Here’s what I personally would suggest:
Get a time timer for each kid, and use it. So before dinner set it for however long until dinner (ample time frame) and tell them when the timer goes off then it’s time for dinner.
You can do this with any other things as well.
The time timer lends a visual that really helps.
I would also suggest If possible instead of taking things away as a consequence maybe use some kind of economy reward system instead.
Give them tokens for getting in the bath the first or second time they’re asked. Then have something they can spend their tokens on (extra tv time. They pick dinner. Stay up extra hour on weekends).
I’ve found this to be a big thing for my oldest…I honestly have ADHD too as well as anxiety and I use rewards systems for myself quite a bit.
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It’s the nature of the beast. Even though we want our kids to act a certain way, it’s up to us to accommodate their needs. Being a parent to a child with ADHD is a ton of trial and error, especially if he’s medicated. It’s yours and your husband’s job to make room for his challenges and create an environment that he thrives in. Frustration and annoyance is your problem to combat, not his.
If you can establish a set daily routine (same time for certain things everyday) it’ll help the kids to better know what’s expected and to get comfortable doing things the minute you ask. I’m a stay at home mom and this is what really works for me with our kids. If you work and take care of the kids tho just start small with what you can control as a set daily time for something and slowly work your way up.
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I highly suggest a visual timer. Setting timers on Alexa helped a lot but this helped even better for my boys so they could actually see their time management.
Kids with ADHD take longer due to this and so much going on in there head.They get so easily distracted.I stead of looking for punishments have you tried chores with times on them and timers for things to be done.There are heaps of different alternatives for this.
ADHD whisperer is a great page for help and advice and I’m sure people will have some great solutions for you
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Set a timer and tell them when timer goes off its time to do what ever and that the thing living with someone who’s neurodivergence their brains don’t work like a typical person
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Generation Mindful’s online course has been a huge help for me.
I feel like this is kids being kids-
testing limits, consistency, and Them attempting control in situation where there is little to no choice… my girls do this also- my 4yr old more then my 6yr old
We do the time limits- hey girls 15mins before…5mins before- ….
when the clock says this 
you start bed time routines- etc
Some days are bettter then others-
But if it’s not done we all carry on with what’s happening- dinner time we all sit- tv goes off and they can chose to eat dinner or not but dinner is done /kitchen closed at 645-and there is nothing else for the night -if they have an issue theyre usually over it before we are done eating-
…. My husband will sometimes use the mission impossible theme song as a timer, the kids get a kick out of it and makes it “more fun”
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My 9 year old daughter is severe ADHD. We use the time method, but I also make her stop and look me in the eyes when I tell her. Then I ask her to repeat what I said to her to make sure she gets it and remembers. As the time goes down from 10 min to 5 min, I will repeat what it is she needs to be doing after time is up. It’s repetitive, but has worked for her.
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Check out Conscious Discipline. Their website has free parenting guidance videos. It’s likely how you’re issuing commands. If you say, take a shower observe behavior. Are they consciously distracting themselves because they’ve been allowed to? Interrupt the distraction consistently. “First, you shower. Then, you can watch TV.”. Or, say “In ten minutes, you shower. Im setting an alarm”, then you stop youre doing and herd them to the bathroom if you have to. Visual schedules and time warning are also helpful. The main thing, is consistency on your behalf.
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My son is on the spectrum with adhd. He is 18now. But omg I feel your pain. What I learned with him was timing. So I’d say to him “in 10 mins it’s going to be time to shower” then “5mins til shower” then “ok shower time”
I found this gave him time to process, also time to do his screwing around.
I still do this with him and for the most part it works.
My partner will tell him “do this now” and generally it doesn’t end well.
If he is too focussed on what he’s doing and still hasn’t done what ever after the times up, I tell him two more times then say “boy I’m gunna crack it” and that moves him lol.
It also helped, when I gave him the first instruction to ask him to look at me and repeat it. Again this still helps make sure he’s on the same page.
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Honestly what I do is give them two options “do you want to take a shower and then brush your teeth or brush your teeth then take a shower?” Then they feel like they’re picking what’s happening and then holding them accountable to what they’ve said they do may be a bit easier 
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For daily activities, routine and consistency. Set timers for reminders. Have a visual clock that has times marked. 3-4 playtime, 4-5 homework, 5-6 dinner, 6-8 free time 8 bath time, etc…find what works with your family and schedule and keep consistency. All kids do better when they know what’s going on and what to expect.
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