What can I do about this situation with my daughter?

I have a daughter who has my only grandson. When my husband and I look for a house to buy we looked in my daughter’s town but found nothing. With the housing market the way it is we were lucky to find the house we have. We are about 45 minutes away from her 30 minutes if the traffic is good. I always drive out to see my grandson, she never comes here. She recently got a new job and she’s in training for 3 months and has to be in office. Her father-in-law and I volunteered to babysit my grandson until she gets to work from home. This is our only child and she’s very regimented to the point of craziness sometimes. Like the other day I gave the baby a waffle with peanut butter for lunch. She got very angry with me I’m not putting it on bread because waffles are for breakfast and bread is for lunch. She has a lot of rules and I try my best to stick by them. The issue we’re having now is she expects me to drive out to her house 3 days a week to watch the baby. When I suggested me picking the baby up from her work and her driving home from my house she told me that wasn’t doable and then if I wanted to see the baby I had to drive to her house. I’m really angry about this. It’s like she can’t give it all. Everything has to be done her way. And I know that I have no choice but to drive out there to see the baby or have no contact with the baby or have no contact with him. Am I in the wrong? What can I say to her?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What can I do about this situation with my daughter?

Moms rules. She has a schedule set and rules to make her life easier. You have to allow your child to parent their own children. Have you had any communication about your issues to her?

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I wouldn’t say anything because she seems like the type that would just not let you see your grandson if she gets mad at you.

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I think realistically you need to stand your ground sadly. She is being very selfish and demanding for someone so reliant on you. Remove that availability and flexibility.

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She is his mother respect her wishes. She is a first time parent it is understandable why she is so worried and concerned.

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She does not have to feel obligated to take her son to anyone for them to see him. If someone wants to see him, they can come see him. Her baby her rules.

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I dunno, coz on one hand i know at my house everything is here and on hand for my baby so if i wrre to ever have someone look after him i know baby and i would be more comfortable here, he has routine and schedules …

On the other hand if someones looking after uourchild to save you dqycare costs and generally help you then there has to be give and take.

In terms of baby not eating certain things or mum having her set rules. Her baby. Her rules. Suck it up and respect them. She is the mum

She’s the mom … they make the rules and we, as grandparents, should do our best to follow them whether we like it or not.

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Not your child, not your rules. If you want want to see your grandchild, what she says goes.

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I would tell her that you’re offering to watch him under those specific circumstances. And if she doesn’t accept she can choose to find other care for him during that time. You’re offering and it’s up to her to choose to meet you halfway. Or not.

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You can do what my mom did. She was helping me out by watching my kid for free, at Grandma’s house, Grandma rules. I said my piece and tried to get her to follow my rules. But, bottom line is she was doing me a bigger favor and saving me money. Let the child have ALL of the ice pops…

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Let her figure it out on her own. It sucks but sometimes you have to stand your ground even with your own children. You are going out of your way already to do her a favor as it is to make it easier on her. Let her figure out she will call when she needs your help and maybe when she does she will be more considerate

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Unfortunately your going to have to stand your ground. People have to willing to meet half and not have one person give 100% and the other give nothing. The in laws come get our girls. If we have to take them or pick them up then we do. Its the parents responsibility to get said child where they need to be and not the babysitter.

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Her child her rules. I have a daughter in law that has high anxiety and don’t like her kids on the road any more than absolute necessity. We try to abide by her rules and watch our grandkids 5 days a week

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If it was your kid and your new job would you want to risk anything going wrong
No :woman_shrugging:
She shouldn’t have to “give” when it comes to her routine and how she does things. Shes setting boundaries and there is nothing wrong with that

You volunteered :raising_hand_woman:

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Has she always had her way? She seems very rigid to be so needy! I hope she gets a job and gets to keep it because her attitude stinks

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Don’t put it on the internet. That’s the first step.

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Well, she can find her own babysitter and pay them and you visit as a grandparent

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She’s clearly a new mom. Whatever, but the Disrespect, disregard, and Entitlement nope. Bye my sweet daughter til you learn some respect. I love ya all, but I will not tolerate being disrespected to get it.

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Smh. Not begging anyone to watch their child. It’s no way she can’t meet up with you to drop the baby off. AND WAFFLES ARE FOR ANYTIME OF THE DAY! This MUST be her first child :person_shrugging::person_shrugging::person_shrugging:

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So she’s dictating how to handle free childcare?

I’d compromise. On one hand I can understand her not wanting to commute 30-45 minutes to drop off then drive 30-45 min back to go to work each way, especially with gas prices. If you have the availability to go there do it.

For the regimen thing it sounds like she’s a first time mom whose over the top but that’s not a bad thing. However she shouldn’t treat you like a door mat.l & show have some respect & appreciation for free child care by someone who loves her child.

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Yes she’s the mom respect wishes when it comes to the rules for child ie food and such as her child, BUT… she’s acting like a spoilt brat wants all her own way no reason why you have to go to her all the time to pick baby up especially if she drives your the one doing her a favour :roll_eyes: watching her child. Compromise

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She’s got some serious issues. :flushed: Sounds like she might have PPD. This isn’t normal behavior.

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So as far as the waffle thing goes, while I agree that seems so arbitrary and ridiculous, it’s her kid, her rules.
But the telling you to do all the driving and not being willing to meet halfway at all while your doing her a favor watching the kid, that’s not cool.

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You need to respect your daughters wishes with her child. She wants her child at home then that’s where you need to go to help. Or don’t help. You offered and it’s only temporary. My dad smokes cigs in his house none stop and I hate taking my kid over there I rarely do it. My mother smokes in her truck I don’t let me kid in her truck. As parents we have reasons why and as the grandparents I do think if you want the time you need to put in the effort and driving. She’s working a new job and training and has a baby and house To run be the help you offered not whine because you want things easier on you.

If she wants you to watch her kid, she can compromise.

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Her child, her rules.

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You need to respect your daughters wishes with her child. She wants her child at home then that’s where you need to go to help. Or don’t help. You offered and it’s only temporary. My dad smokes cigs in his house none stop and I hate taking my kid over there I rarely do it. My mother smokes in her truck I don’t let me kid in her truck. As parents we have reasons why and as the grandparents I do think if you want the time you need to put in the effort and driving. She’s working a new job and training and has a baby and house To run be the help you offered not whine because you want things easier on you.

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That’s not okay. My siblings would bring the grand kids over and we would also take them back. My mom and I watched all the grandkids.

Her kid her rules :woman_shrugging:t3:better to go there and not uproot the kid everyday

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If she can’t compromise, let her pay for a sitter.

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You raised her. How did you not expect this?

This is your only child and you’ve completely pushed her aside for your grandson. I’m an only as well and when I had my firsts (twins) she joked that “Now you don’t matter”. But not once in 17 years has she made me feel that way. When I needed her to move across the country to help me, she did. Twice! And by no means am I the perfect daughter. I was very regimented when I first became a mom. I wanted to do things my way and still do. She and my dad try to do it the way I want, but I know that sometimes they don’t. Why? Because they aren’t me! You raised her. Maybe she didn’t like the way she was raise dad wants to change. So you deal with the monster you created, or don’t.

How old is baby? Maybe she doesn’t want the baby in the car with anyone else since you said it’s a baby. Mom’s can be very over protective and you don’t have to get it or understand. This is her first child. She is mom. She calls the shots.

You volunteered to babysit and she’s the mom so no she’s not unreasonable. if you don’t want to do it her way than don’t watch him.

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Let her put him put him in daycare . See how that works out for her . Your driving over 40 miles one way as a favor to help her out . 80 miles round trip 3 days a week. 240 miles on your car extra miles a week . Is she paying for your gas your time anything? No . I got my granddaughter after school for six years . A magnet school so parents provided there own transportation. I did that twice a day than my daughter who commuted to work round trip 80 miles a day. We met halfway after she got off the interstate . I live Se she lives Ne . Plus she gave me gas money . We both gave to make it easy for both of us .

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She sounds like a blast :grimacing:

You lost her trust by not running things by her food wise with how much kids are allergic to things these days it’s very Important to remember you may be her mother but you are not his mother and she’s gotta realize herself what’s safe and not safe bc it’s not your call on how he’s raised

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I would remind her, gently at first, that you’re watching him for free and saving her the daycare costs, so with gas prices the way they are she’s gonna have to give a little. If she still won’t budge, remind her NOT so gently and tell her if she can’t compromise she’s gonna have to figure it out or start paying at least your fuel cost.

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I drive three hours each way once a month for a week stay. I moved away prior to pregnancy.

It’s my responsibility to make sure my relationship with my GS and kids is good!

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It is better for a baby to stay in there environment if possible.

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Everyone’s saying “her kid, her rules” which I agree with. However I would be asking her for gas money. Shit isn’t cheap these days and I assume your watching your grandson for free.

I would follow her rules when it comes feeding, etc but I def wouldn’t be doing the whole traveling thing if it bothered me and if I did, I’d have to give it back to her like, you can pay me for gas money then :woman_shrugging:t3: I mean just because she’s the mom doesn’t mean she can’t be a little easy on you when you are helping her out, you don’t owe her any of this, it’s a very nice helping hand when grandmas step in, she should bend for you as well. I’d like bake my mom cookies all the time for appreciation and def do all the driving, that’s her responsibility as a mom, to get her child too and from care.

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I hate her baby her rules comment. Yes, to a point, but when you have someone th is helping you out for free, you have to pick your battles and bend a little. She’s being unreasonable!

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Ugh, what a terrible situation! I’m so sorry you are in it? I don’t have good suggestions :triumph::persevere:

Let her get a babysitter

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You state clearly and without emotion…That your offering to watch the baby if you can pick the baby up at her work and she can pick the baby up from you. If that doesn’t work then perhaps she can find a different person two days and you can do the driving one day to help. But also you ask her to write the food rules down. I have a 12 year old and my mom used to come and stay and take care of her for a week every summer so we could go work a music festival and we wrote it all down for her. I was very struck about sugar for a reason- she is sugar reactive and has meltdowns about two hours after sugar consumption. I wasn’t crazy- she had two tokens she could trade in for sweets at events . My mom took her to a fair and let her get what she wanted . She called me that night in tears because she was sorry she didn’t listen to me and that my child had had such a rough afternoon. The other piece here is that it sounds like she’s got a lot going on and sometimes rules help us feel safe and in control. Talk to her about it.

My mom watches my 2 young kids (3&9) all the time! She is my biggest helper & support system besides my husband. I go out of MY WAY to make it more convenient or easy for HER. smh!

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Tell her it’s to overwhelming and you can’t do it every single week. Maybe do it every other week since she’s not willing to budge. If not tell her you can’t do it period and but the baby in daycare and I’m sure that will kick her into gear. I’m sorry but she’s sounds very unpleasant and ungrateful.

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Sounds like you have a spoiled entitled daughter.i wish you luck.

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Tell her you babysitting is not doable, let them pay a sitter and give them a set of written rules…go visit on your terms …maybe on weekends…

I’d say if she wants you, a family member, to watch the baby, she should at least let you do it a day or 2 at your place. She has to learn child care is NOT free. You are spending gas $$$ to drive both ways, plus watching baby for free. I can see her other “rules” but again, child care is NOT FREE.

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Idk I disagree with most these comments. Your grandma. Grandmas break the rules. My grandma babysat me and shoveled candy and cookies into me so I went home a savage beast. Idk why all these mothers are so concerned about children’s diets, and what grandma/grandpa are feeding them. I’m also not 100% sure on the entitlement of these parents I keep reading about. Sorry to say this but seems to me your daughter is a spoiled brat who thinks the world revolves around her. All good. Tell her you’ll baby sit 1 day a week. And when she needs to cough up the extra cash for child care she’ll see it’s better to just drop the kid off at your house.

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Just hope she gets pregnant as has another baby soon so she’ll ease up on the some. You’re in a bad spot, she sounds like the type that would cut you off and out of their lives if you don’t do exactly what she wants. I have no advice for this, except hang in there.

Rhe situation of you watching the baby is temporary until she can work from home. Work with her tthings will change,

There’s a difference in you making an effort to see him and driving to her house but if you’re helping her out by watching him then she can give a little and make it easier for you to pick him up or bring him to you

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Respecting what she wants with her child is a big thing, you should always honor her rules. BUT dont forget that she is also your child, remind her that she needs to respect you, her MOM. Voice out your concerns and why some things aren’t easy for you and if you can find a way to compromise with a lot of things. Free childcare is a huge help, i hope she realizes that and will find it in her heart to help you-her mama too

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I wouldn’t be helping at all. Both of you are using the baby as a bargaining tool to fix whatever issues y’all have with each other and that is crazy as hell. Y’all need to address y’all issues so that this baby doesn’t keep getting caught in the middle because he’s the only one losing out

I wish my mom would come visit me and her only grandkids…

I mean the unfortunate thing (for you) is that shes mom and what she says goes… could she be a little more accommodating, especially bc you’re doing her a favor? Sure. But does she HAVE to be? No, definitely not

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I guess it really depends on if she has other child care options nearby. If she does, but you’d requested to be the one to watch your grandson instead, then she does get to call the shots. In that scenario, it would be easier for her to use a child care option nearby and not have to worry about a long drive in either end.

However, if you are doing this because she doesn’t have other options, then put your foot down and explain that you aren’t going to do all of the driving along with the babysitting as you are doing her a favor and she is pushing beyond the bounds of that favor.

As far as the peanut butter goes, children aren’t supposed to have that until, I believe, age 2. I’m not sure how old your grandbaby is. That may be a part of her anger. It’s an allergen risk because babies can’t express that they can’t breathe and early exposure to peanuts can cause an allergy to form.

As far as her other rules, she is the mother. I’m sure that when you were a new mother, you had similar rules or behavior in order to protect your children.

I don’t know how old you are, but I know that recommendations have become more strict in terms of how to parent in a healthy way at this young age, what they should/shouldn’t eat, how they should sleep, in what they should sleep, etc.

My mother tried to slather my daughter with lotion as she did to me when I was a baby. Currently, it’s seriously recommended that you don’t because it can cause skin issues that last a lifetime. I’m proof of that with my allergy to basically every lotion and fragrance there is.
Maybe your daughter is simply following the current recommendations, maybe she’s going a bit far. I can’t say for sure because there isn’t any detail as to HOW she is crazily regimented outside of the peanut butter incident. Regardless, as long as she isn’t harming her child, she’s the mother and you need to respect her wishes.

Lastly, I see no mention of the child’s father. Is he not involved?

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Hey baby her rules. Surely u had some rules when she was a baby…maybe she don’t trust u outside her house. Maybe u overstep ur boundaries with her and her new family.

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Stay a damn grandma and stop trying to be the mom. Listen to her rules about HER CHILD.

I think she is being unreasonable really the difference between a waffle and bread??? For real… could she have ppd or ppa?

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I just hope she’s paying you enough to provide gas money. She should be dropping the baby off and providing food if you’re doing this for free. The entitlement is crazy on this post. I wish my child had a good grandmother in his life

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As a mom she probably has her house baby proofed and all the things he needs at the house. It’s way easier to have a sitter come than to bring my kids anywhere not to mention at other peoples houses I worry about where the keep cleaning products, plug ins not covered, stairs, pets. If you want to help then help if you don’t then don’t but if you do want to then just respect what she wants I’m sure she has her reasons.

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With her being only child , you have always let it be her way. Now that she’s an adult it’s worse, let her get a babysitter your days. See if she doesn’t bind a little bit. :woman_shrugging:t3::woman_shrugging:t3:

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Her baby, her rules.

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She’s going to have to pay a professional nanny 15-20 dollars an hour to abide by her ridiculous. If you are feeling anxious about the rules already it’s probably best you don’t babysit. Because when it comes to unreasonable rules she probably doesn’t understand her demands are unreasonable and her criticism will be just as bad. This could ruin your relationship with your daughter and she could hold your grandson from you.

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She’s super lucky to have the support she has!!

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She should realize how fortunate she has to have parents willing to babysit no matter the circumstances. My daughter is almost 9 and we’ve struggled her entire life with this causing a lot of drama amongst all sides.

I can count on one hand how many times all sides combined have kept her overnight.

Always some lame ass excuse about how busy they are with their friends or other bs excuses. To the point I’ve all but cut them completely out of our lives with little to no contact. They’re just hunky dori with it, and so I have became as well. It’s hard trying to explain to her why our own family could honestly careless about any of us as she’s to young to understand how messed up they really are.
Alcohol, gambling, bar hopping and loser friends have always taken a priority and will continue to do so. It just is what it is. Someday when she’s old enough, she’ll understand.
In the mean time we’ve ran out of reasons to stay in our home state and are looking at moving away for a fresh start in hopes of meeting some new like minded people. Family can be some of the most toxic people in our lives and at some point, you have to cut them off for your own wellbeing. So to her I’d say, she better be counting her blessings.

I will appreciate you, please come be a mother to me and grandmother to my babies :cry:

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Wait… she got her feathers ruffled over a waffle???
She sounds like she’s on a power trip. That’s so ridiculous, it’s not like you gave the kid ice cream and candy for a meal. Let her struggle and go see the baby when you want to. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Man, some of these new moms have a rude awakening in life!

I don’t really agree with giving in 100%.
My mom watches my kids when I need her to. She’s the only one we trust and allow to watch them.
Now, I have 6 kids. 10 and under. My house is a lot bigger and my moms able to be comfortable in our home and have her own space here. So she ALWAYS comes to us (3.5 hours away), but that’s not because I wouldn’t come to her.
I compromise with my mom. I appreciate her watching them, especially because it’s always for free, and sometimes giving in some doesn’t have to be an issue. For example, my kids eat more junk, stay up later, sometimes slumber downstairs with Grammy, and I’m okay with all this. We have “different rules” when Grammy is here and my kids love that. She does, however, respect the things I consider really important… like my kids don’t eat popcorn if they’re under 4 years old, we cut grapes/hot dogs lengthwise… etc. Things I would consider a safety thing.

I would talk with her and see if you can come to an agreement. If not, you just have to decide if you’re willing to give in to all her demands and follow all her rules, or not. There’s nothing more anyone can do.

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If your offer of Watchung her child doesn’t work for her, then she’s going to find an alternative arrangement for childcare.
As for driving to her house to see him. You said he was a baby. A 45 to 30 min car ride can be a very long time for a baby and parent depending on kids mood. Then there’s making sure she didn’t forget anything she’d need because babies require a lot of things on an hourly basis. It’s a lot.
Expecting a young mom to make those trips weekly can be daunting. I’d give her grace and let her get into the swing of being a newer mom.

I wouldnt go. Let her figure it out. Let her interview people to watch the child. She’s being selfish.

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It’s sad. I have friends that went through this. They did everything their daughter demanded to avoid issues. I didn’t have those issues. When my daughter tried to tell me I was doing something wrong I reminded her that she and her brothers survived me very well. She backed off. You have to decide if you want to deal with this craziness. I would tell her to figure out other arrangements. She will need you eventually

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You maybe should have respected her decisions as a mother first :person_shrugging: it’s not really up for debate or your place to say what baby should have. That’s probably soured the whole thing from the get go. She needs support I get that but sounds like she doesn’t exactly trust you now.

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She’s the mom and she makes the rules regarding her kids. You adjust accordingly…or don’t. Hope you guys figure it out cuz grandparents are an invaluable influence.

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Well you have two options. One is tell her you are unable to babysit and let her find someone else OR go to her house to watch the child. Everything you would need to watch the child is there. However thanks to the high cost of gas, you should request she help you with gas expenses.

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She’s blessed to have you and fir the child to be in the comfort of someone who will take good care of him. Daycare was scarce and high for me when my children was young. So I can only imagine what it is now.

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If it is manageable for her to be able to work DO IT! WHAT are YOU doing?? DO YOU have to work and raise a child at the same time. Soon she wont be in training and you wont have this short opportunity to see the baby and spend time with him. This is your ONLY grandchild too.???

If she can’t appreciate your presence (help) let her appreciate your absence for a little while.

Sounds like you’re just now reaping how you raised her (most only children are spoiled)

Don’t cave, stand firm until she comes asking you for help.

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This new generation of mothers are off the wall on just about everything. I have no answer for you. I have a non biological grand daughter that just had a baby. I’m not allowed to know anything because I don’t agree with her on her FB page. :woman_shrugging:

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No! Yes it your grandchild and you wanna see him as much as you can, but in regards to watching him while she’s training…you’re doing her a favour it would cost a fortune to get a proper babysitter (not that you aren’t capable obvs) but you’re helping her out she could at least meet you half way!

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She can drive to you as well, stop being so hard on yourself. You are doing her a favor, let her pay a babysitter, then she has to actually take the baby to the sitter. And the only thing with the peanut butter is I have heard kids can choke. But I mean you was still supervising the child. Let her do things her way and you stay home and at peace in yours.

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She has to work, and is raising a family. Doing anything extra would make things more difficult. If you want to see the child three times a week than doit in a way that eases her time. And alot of things have changed since you had a child, her child her rules.

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I lost my mom to cancer and my kids now have no grandma. I would kill to have my mom still be around and in their lives.:sob::sob::sob::sob:

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Stop enabling her to have everything her way, she is using the baby to get what she wants. You offered to help her out, if she can’t compromise tell her you can’t help.

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If she needs you to watch her child while she is at work she will adjust accordingly. If she doesn’t than you can be the person to decide if you would like to deal with that or not. I personally wouldn’t :woman_shrugging: I have the attitude of “if you want my help, this is how I will offer it to you” and I stand on it.

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I bet if you quit going for a while she’ll realize it isn’t so manageable getting to work.

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You do what you have to do to see your grandchild.

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I’m all for my baby my rules but when I went back to work after having my son I drove him to my mothers house for her to watch him and I even paid her to do it. She stayed home so I didn’t have to put him in daycare so it was worth it to me. I think it just depends on the person and why they are being so strict. Why could see not meet you at work so you don’t have to drive all the way to their place? Is it simply because she only wants him watched at home or because she doesn’t want to drive herself that afternoon after work? I would want specifics not just a no it’s not doable for me. But of course you can always change your mind and simply just continue to visit him when it’s convenient for you.

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She’s the parent, her rules go first, no matter who is watching her child. You both volunteered to watch the baby with her rules so there’s not much you can do unless you no longer want to babysit.

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Tell her either she can bring the baby to you to watch for her while she works, or she pays for your gas to and from for those 3 days a week, or she’s gonna have to find someone else to watch the kid. Or suggest switching off at her house and yours. The waffle thing is weird. But it’s w.e. If she’s that anal about what the baby gets have her bring the food too or have a “meal plan” laid out with the kid when at her house.

Daycare is probably at least $100 a day, that new Mom should be grateful for grandparents who want to help!

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Her child, her life, her rules. If you want to be around then you have to do your part and put the effort in. She’s not going to drive 45-30 min to you before and after work exhausted to pick up her child. She’s exhausted and overwhelmed. Just going to her house and following her parenting rules for her child is the best thing you can do, and you have to respect her for that, just as much as she has to be appreciative of you for respecting her boundaries

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My mom lives 20 min from me she offered to watch my son on her days off for free it saves me 100 a week in child care so of course I took the offer. I get up at 6 to drive him there and after work I pick him up I figured why should she have to lug him around if she’s watching him at her house. I guess all u can do is talk to her about why your way may be easier