What could have happened to my husband and I's relationship?

I want to ask. I love my husband married for 9 years. I can’t imagine life with out him. He’s a little on the lazy side but very willing. So for instance, will sit on the couch all day playing games on his phone if i let him but if i request a chore like dishes or food prep he is willing and responsive. I feel like i complain too much. Ppl think he is an angel but in my mind he needs to be more present with me and the kids instead of on his phone/TV all day non stop. But today he cleaned the house and helped with cooking and i still complained that he does what ever he feels like doing. It feels like we are not spending time together like we used to. Usually we would watch TV together at the kids fall asleep but now I just go straight upstairs bc im so over whelmed with the noise from the TV while he watched football or what ever. When i complain about him not coming to bed he points out that i don’t stay downstairs. Idk what going on. I can’t figure out if it’s me or him but I just don’t feel close to him anymore. & he’s not even trying to have sex any more. He used to always initiate, now he’s asking why i don’t initiate. But i tried to the other day i thought that would get him back interested but once we did the deed we went right back to not doing it. We used to do it every night. Over the past few weeks since he started his new job(he’s stressed) we just do it few and far between. Idk. He’s usually my best friend now i feel like he’s just a friend that I talk to when I can.


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What could have happened to my husband and I's relationship?

I feel like all your answers are in your post. Sounds like you’re having an issue with yourself and your upset he’s still being himself. You ask him to do something and he does. He asks you to initiate intimacy and you do it once and let it go back to how it was. Sounds like you are both doing the exact same thing but you don’t like it. I’d say re-evaluate yourself and find out how to make yourself happy.


…playing games on his phone if you “LET” him???

And then you complained he does whatever he feels like when he cleaned house and helped cook?

You used to watch tv together when the kids fall asleep, but now you just go straight upstairs??

Plus you complain he didn’t come to bed (obviously at the time you used to watch tv with him??

Over the past few weeks you two just do it now and then??? (So obviously you are doing it during the last few weeks even when he’s stressed about his new job).

And he was your best friend and now YOU feel like he’s just a friend?

You want to know what happened to the relationship - is it him or you? You didn’t say anything he does wrong….


It kinda sounds like you complain alot. I couldn’t imagine my husband cleaning the whole house. Do you work outside the home? I think you need some counciling. You need to learn how to talk to your husband.


Today he cleaned the whole house and helped with cooking…and you still complained? Why would he WANT to put forth the effort if it’s not being appreciated when it’s done?


It sounds like you’re trying more to be his mom than his wife.


This is actually more common in marriages than not. You’ve been together for 9 years and with children! I think the two of you need to do some date nights and see if you can rekindle your relationship/marriage. Often times marriages get into the co-existing phase and it sucks because it feels so dry and lonely. You both also need to communicate how each of you are feeling about your marriage together. Communication is so important.


I would talk to him, making sure to use language that doesn’t accuse or put him on the defensive – “I miss you, I miss spending time with you” etc. The line you used about being best friends, I would tell him that.


Take a deep breath and just thank God that you have a man, who is willing to stay home. Most men, who don’t care… do absolutely NOTHING in the house and are out at the bars or partying with friends. After a tough day at work, the last thing you are looking for is more rules. Let him enjoy whatever makes him smile. Surprise him with some nice baked cookies that you made or a delight he can pick on while he’s watching his games. Only when you look to change yourself, can relationships work out. Live in the present moment; take it one day at a time; smile and make sure you smell good to be hugged and if in time you are still dissatisfied, I think YOU should consider counseling. If you are a stay-at-home mom, it should give you JOY to please your mate. Don’t be negative; don’t look back… start looking ahead and create some new changes in YOUR day. You could also try PRAYING; give it to God… let Him direct your day. He is ALWAYS with you, and you can’t do it without Him. Success takes surviving many faults and failures; but through them you will definitely succeed. May God be with you. :pray::heartpulse::latin_cross:


I actually think she’s looking for advice then to be penalised. Some of these comments LOL.

Sounds like you both need to sit down and just have a chat. Good communication. Listen to his needs too.

Come to a compromise. Your missing the quality of the time you spend together and it sounds like he is too xxxxx


Sounds like you need a reset. Have the kids spend the weekend at Grandma’s, Aunties or a friend. Spend the weekend alone … no phones, TV or distractions. Reconnect, talk!!!


Tell him he needs to take the responsibility for managing it all off your hands. The burden of having to plan the home cleaning, meals, shopping, caring for kids and all is overwhelming. He can see what needs doing and needs to help. You resent him for being immature and needing a momager.


It’s escapism on his part. And it is hard to get people to engage when they switch off. Look at teenagers! Need to agree to turn off all the devices and have a good heart to heart about everything.


Ummm he did all of that and you complained. You go upstairs and sulk he doesn’t come with you when he is watching a game or something. Sounds like you disconnected emotionally. And after that long, physical intimacy will wane a bit. Why would he initiate when you seem in a complaining mood often? You two need to have DATE NIGHT. No phones. No convo about the kids. Reconnect.


I feel like i could’ve written this except we’re married 7 years not 9 :cry:
It’s hard and it definitely hurts. Add that to immense insecurity and anxiety after having 4 kids im miserable :weary:


It honestly sounds like a “you” problem. You said he’s ready and willing to do what you ask. Maybe he doesn’t know what to do? Maybe he has ADHD? My husband can’t do s*** unless I spell it out for him, around the house. So I do. It’s simple. It works. Maybe you should come onto him? Why does it all have to be on him? Lol.


Just talk to him? Don’t talk AT him. Also don’t go into the conversation with “you this” or “you that”. It takes two for a relationship to work. You said he is stressed from work. Maybe talk to him about it? Sometimes that’s all it takes. Communicate. Make compromises where you can. He needs to do the same. Take a day away from the kiddos if possible.


Get out as a family more. Date nights, weekend couple getaway, not at home.
Y’all sound bored, stagnant. Do something different to change rut it sounds like y’all have fallen into. It’s just life and needs some variety.
Stop the blame game.


You both seem like you are waiting for the other to show that they love the other person first. You want him to up and follow you upstairs and him to initiate intimacy and he wants you to stay downstairs and initiate intimacy with him. Seems kinda silly. If you want to spend time with him, do it. Stop waiting for him to want you and show him you want him. The spark won’t light itself.


Developing bitterness or resentment and being unappreciative is a normal part of marriage, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. You’ve acknowledged it, so now try to be more thankful to him when he does help. Change starts with you, be the change you want to see.

Alternatively, when my husband did this, I started recording him just staring at his phone. He went a whole hour without saying anything to me and didn’t even realize it until I sent him the video.

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You said it yourself love, you feel like you aren’t spending time together anymore. Plan a date night, if you have family or a trusted friend or babysitter plan a night where you go out to eat, or do an activity together. Don’t talk about the kids, work, the house just each other and how you’re feeling or doing or needing. Staying connected is necessary. If you have the ability maybe even plan a romantic weekend away together, shut your phones when possible and just be in the moment together.


Sounds like alot of small stuff to be complaining about. If you complain about a small issue, it will become a big issue & it can destroy your marriage. If he started a new stressful job & is still helping you with the house & cooking then that’s a huge thing. Alot of men won’t do that. You need to appreciate him & just let that small, petty stuff go. Marriages go through changes, you just have to adapt to them.

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Try to stay downstairs and maybe make yourself comfy on the couch… when you feel yourself complaining just hold it in for a second and think about it first… I had to work on some of those things too. We just have to communicate about how we feel to each other it’s not always easy but I promise you that it will help !! Anyhow you are doing great !!!


The problem is very definitely you.
Men, by nature, are not very domestic. The ones who are, are extremely rare. You got one who at least does what you ask and makes a good effort. You need to focus only on gratitude for a while.

I understand completely…you feel like his Mom…not a wife. Phones are addicting and an escape … he’s not paying attention to you…personally. .no feelings there… you’re feeling insecure and unloved. …what to do?..Try sparking it up some… need a weekend together… do a date night once a month… dress more sexy… cook his favorite meal… act like when you first met… it’s gonna take some work but he’s worth it… he’s in a rut and stressed over the new job…pull him out…you can…good luck.

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It kind sounds like you are the problem and you already know that but you want confirmation.

Life is exhausting and it sounds like you have changed, not him. You want things to be different and you want him to go along with it when he is perfectly content with the norm. You either need to go back to the norm or get him in the same page without being a complainy pants I guess. Find something he enjoys and you enjoy that doesn’t involve his phone or TV. A game, watching the stars, going for a walk, something.

At one point you said he did this and that but you still complained. I get that complaining and never getting the response you want is exhausting. My problem is my boys though not my husband lol you just have to find another way that works for you, and him. If nobody is willing to compromise you will either just be miserable forever or get divorced. My ex husband loved the bottle more than me and all my ideas to make it work so it ended in Divorce. It happens unfortunately.

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Your husband started a new job and is likely very stressed therefore he’s trying to escape the stress by being on his phone. I understand that can be frustrating but instead of nagging about the house and being passive aggressive, remove your own feelings and ask him how he’s doing…how the job is going. “Is there anything I can help YOU with.” Be his support instead of building resentment and the wall will likely come right down. Sometimes I feel like people get lost in all of the “I do this and I do that” and they forget to be there for each other emotionally. Communicate. He is your husband. Tell him your needs CLEARLY, but also ask if there is anything he is needing from u. You said yourself, he cleaned the whole house today and u complained. He feels defeated.

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