What do I put in this letter to my bonus daughter's mom?

Do not write a letter, it’s not your place
Let Dad know and it’s up to him to do with the info what he feels

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Man y’all! This woman loves this little girl and has been there since day ONE! how dare y’all say it’s not her business?? It’s most def her business given the child came to her with her concerns. While I agree a letter probably isn’t the best route, as it could make an already strained relationship with the child’s mother that much more so, there has to be a means for this woman to communicate something to the “bio-mom” the child doesn’t have opportunity to.

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Why not you bio mom and child go to the park together or something and have the daughter open up to her!

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She should let the little girl’s dad handle this

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Yikes. I would be very careful choosing your words and simply state what your step daughter said and end with how you reassured her that although there will be changes her mother will always love her wholeheartedly. And then offer to lend support in any way the child needs.

As a bonus mother that had to deal with a controlling, mutative, and just evil money driven birth mother, as much as you want to fix this for her, you can’t unless the birth mom is open to your being a part of her life. Continue to be there for her in ways you can. Wish everyone understood co-parenting and that you can all be part of what is best for children.

Have her dad talk to her mom, especially if you’re the girlfriend at this moment, all he has to do is say she expressed that she is scared her mommy won’t love her anymore once the baby comes

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Why don’t you and bio mom and baby girl go out to the park or lunch and have a girls chat and let baby girl know no matter what she will always be loved and cared for by both bio and you and daddy don’t speak for her let her know you are there to support her and let her tell bio mommy how she feels.

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Like dad do it not you certain things have to come from the parents yes you have been I’m. Her life but it’s dad or the child herself that needs to speak to her.

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Not your place. Ask dad to speak to her.

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I wouldn’t write a letter, children can feel like this when theirs a new baby being welcomed into the family and they just need everything to stay the same and to be reassured that of course she wont get forgotten. And the mother is having a baby then coming back to m have a letter about how her other child is feeling and confiding in you and not her when there is already tension is going to cause unnecessary drama and she doesn’t need that with a newborn and a 4 year old. Just mention It to the little girls father and keep reassuring her everything will be just fine.

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If I were you, I’d sit and write it with your daughter so she feels she is taking ownership of her feelings and the letter is Exactly how she feels! But sending loads of love and support!!

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Id say the daughter should write a letter or encourage her to have a talk with her mam. I don’t thinknit would come across good from you x

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Bare in mind you are dealing with a pregnant woman who will be extremely hormonal , maybe let dad talk to her and probably face to face . Or the daughter can tell her how she feels while dad is there. You clearly love the little girl but mum WILL see it as a negative . Good luck

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It’s completely normal for kids to feel this way when a new baby is on the way, little one just needs lots and lots of reassuring!

I wouldn’t write the letter. You’ve said yourself that you don’t get on - add hormones on top of that and the fact that mum probably already knows and is very likely to be worried about how her daughter will cope with all the changes already… I cannot see it being well received!

My daughter had similar concerns when her dad was having a new baby - I talked to her about it a lot, reassured her that it wouldn’t change how much her dad (or anyone ekse) loved her, and helped encourage her excitement over having a new sibling, she chose lots of gifts for the baby etc… it still didn’t stop her from returning from the hospital in floods of tears because “Daddy barely cuddled her and was so busy with the baby”! It is huge change for a kid ane adjustments do have to be made but they will get there - within a couple of weeks my daughter was besotted with her baby brother and more than happy to share the time and attention with him

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Dads place to handle this

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Wow she cares about this child , trying to do what’s best and gets jumped on

Those are common concerns children have as a new baby is born. She’ll soon understand her mom has more than enough love for all of her children. It’s not your place to write a letter. The best action you can do is reassure the child that her mother’s love for her isn’t going to change.

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You’ve been a part of this little girls life all her life. You obviously love her like your own. She opened up to you…not her Dad. That makes her concerns very much your business
Since there is a bad relationship between you and her bio mom a letter from you might make things worse…a letter from the little one written by you may be a better way to go…or a phone call
Start out making it plain its the girls concerns and not yours…then write down her own words. Finish with…I know every first child feels like this but just incase she’s said nothing to you about it I thought I should let you know so you can reassure her …let Dad know you’re doing it of course . He has a right to know whats happening if he doesn’t already and may want to deal with it a different way.

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Why not wait and see what happens first? Why start something that may not need to be. What if BIO doesn’t forget and drama was caused because of it. I say, wait till the child starts being treated differently.

Like others have said, I’d let dad talk to his ex about it.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What do I put in this letter to my bonus daughter's mom? - Mamas Uncut

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Honestly, I wouldn’t. I know you care about your step daughter but it’s really not your place or none of your business to be writing letters to bio mom about your step kids feelings. That’s dad’s job.

ESPECIALLY because you say you and bio mom don’t get along

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You shouldn’t. I’m sure her mom already knows. That isn’t your place.

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Agree that you shouldn’t. But you could help your bonus daughter write something.

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If you write anything, have it be a congratulations card from you and your step daughter.
Write in it how much daughter loves her, and she can’t wait to be a big sister. Build her up by giving her a role. And it let’s mom have a special moment with her daughter too.

Otherwise, don’t say anything. She’s probably already struggling with guilt of adding a baby into the mix.

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Why do you say bio mom??? She’s her MOM!!

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Maybe you should encourage her to express these feelings to her mom.

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Stay out of it or let dad say something

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Tell Dad to take care of it. You are there to listen and direct the situations given to you in the most appropriate way to help her but never put yourself in the middle of anything even when you’re trying to help because like you said it can always be taken the wrong way.

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Get her dad to say something, if you feel the need to. But otherwise, don’t. The best thing you can do is love on that little girl. Let her know that grownups aren’t perfect, but that she is, and she will always be valued and loved.

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Honestly people say that’s not your place… I say if you love her as your own talk to her father and maybe you both could talk to her bio mom. I would be gravelly ill if I couldn’t communicate with my kids step mom one day (if they ever have a step mom). It’s called co-parenting. People need to learn how to come together for their children. That child’s feelings matter and all the parents should come up with a solution.

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Bring dad in on this.

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Maybe take her to get a small gift for the new baby. But, honestly, I wouldn’t write a letter. Just help the new big sister by reassuring her. Let her know that mamas and daddies love ALL their children, and that no one will ever replace them. Try to get her excited about the new baby. Maybe even get her a baby that comes with diapers and bottles so that she has an idea, and can help her mom, when mom gets home with the baby. That way, when moms time and attention is taken by the new baby, she feels more included, and that might offset some of the jealousy she is likely to feel.

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I wouldn’t write her a letter. But I would help the little girl pick out a gift for the mom to give. And I would talk up how big sisters are so important.

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ummm this is one I suggest u step out of. While yes your step daughters feelings matter, it normal she’s feeling that way. just comfort her.

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I wouldn’t because women can be so hateful and take it wrong. You mean well but she doesn’t like you so it definitely won’t blow over well. Talk to her dad and ask him to communicate with her mother

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I wouldn’t. Solely because it may bite you. If you don’t get along she may use every word against you. Your bonus daughter needs your unconditional love. I would talk to the father. He should be her support too

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I wouldn’t that’s going to cause sooooo many issues. Just be there for your bonus baby and tell her that that’s not the case and that’s not going to happen and that her mama can’t wait to get home to her.

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I think it’s a terrible idea …talk to the daughter reassure her that even though things are changing her mom loves her and that’s it . Any more than that is crossing boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed

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Stay out of it. Bio mom is allowed to have more kids and it is totally normal for your step daughter to feel that way. She will be fine. You seem to be looking for a way to make the bio mom feel bad for no reason.

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If your relationship with her mother is really that bad it’s probably best not to do anything. Sounds like it will just go badly. If the relationship is one where you can talk to her about things just tell her what her daughter said. And that you know she isn’t making her feel that way and you just wanted to let her know how her daughter is feeling. Maybe have her father talk to the mother about it if you think that would go over better.

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That’s a lot of deep thought for 4 year old. I would 100% have the dad handle it.

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This is not a good idea and not your place to do it. Keep reassuring your step daughter and encourage her to talk to her mom about it. Mom may already know and is I’m sure stressed and worried about how the new baby will impact her already. She doesn’t need some formal letter from you to make her more worried.

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Don’t write a letter just keep reassuring her buy her a baby doll with diapers clothes bottles etc so she can take care of her baby while mommy takes care of her baby and let her pick something out special for new baby

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Coming from u a letter about this situation will most likely be taken the wrong way just be there for her maybe talk to dad about what she was saying and how she’s feeling and leave it up to him to say something or not

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Those can be normal kid feelings when mom’s having a new baby. Not your place to write to her. Just do what you did and comfort daughter and tell her of all the fun she will have being a big sister

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Let dad talk to her or get daughter too. Or just just pull her to the side on drop off day and very nicely just ask her to talk to her about it because she doesn’t understand what will happen with a new baby…

If you don’t have a solid relationship with her mom, I wouldn’t suggest trying to build a relationship at this point. Hormones are already flowing and she’s probably already terrified that her baby feels this way.

If you do, I’d be sick to know my co-mom felt like she couldn’t come to me about our kid. Especially if it’s something you feel is important.

It all depends on your relationship with her and it doesn’t sound like it is healthy at this point.

Hype that baby up! Tell her she’s going to be the best big sister. Help teach her how to “change diapers, shake bottles, get stuff for mom.” Practice what is to come. Everything will work out. I know you may mean well but it could go sideways, fast.

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Tell her to talk to bio mom do not write a letter be there for her as much as possible

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Please dont!!! As a co parent anytime I brought something up her dad, he would scream and yell out her for telling me.

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I would stay out of it. Let the mother and father deal with the situation. As a step mom right now I’m going through it and she has gotten better now since she has a brother and a sister. All you gotta do at this point is to continue to love her and be supportive parent.

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Don’t do it. Period.

My (thank God) now ex-step and my mom had a horrible relationship that started with a letter just like that.

You can be supportive without butting in

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I feel like people say it’s not your place but then feel it’s your place to do everything for their child. You can’t have your cake…

But anyhow…if I were the bio mom I’d be upset with you too. Any man who leaves me while I’m pregnant with his child and meets another woman isn’t a real woman to me. You’re lucky she even let’s you and the father be involved . Especially walking away . Looks le all of you want what you want .

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Absolutely wouldn’t do this. Urge your step daughter to open up to her mom. Than take it day at a time.

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Don’t write the letter
This is a natural emotion! A lot of children feel what this lil girl is feeling
Console her let her know she will be loved no matter what!

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Poor little children.

I think you need to step back and allow the father to discuss this with her mother. This is something that is not your place at all and you should 100% NOT get involved and try to stir things up. Comfort the daughter and be there for her and reassure her but let her father have that talk with the mom. Anything you say is going to come off as an attack or a way to drag her down when she already has a lot on her plate and while you may truly care and want to help the daughter, that’s not at all how it sounds.

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Nothing. Because like you said, it will be presumed as negative if that’s the relationship you already have! Love that baby girl to the moon and back and she will be just fine!

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If you don’t get on with mom why write a letter? It would come over like you was trying to start up some kind of argument :face_with_raised_eyebrow:
Just tell the kid the truth that she’s still going to be loved exactly the same :100: as the baby is and tell her all the positives about it!

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Maybe ask if she can spend extra time with you while she has the baby. Make it like you want to help which will.help your bonus daughter not feel excluded. Maybe let her buy the baby a gift and then you get her a gift from the baby to her.

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I’m so glad everyone else is recommending not to write the letter. I know you mean well but if your relationship has always been strained- it’s best to keep it that way instead of igniting a fire. It is what it is, unfortunately. Just advise daughter to address it with mom. Or have dad communicate that with mom. Hopefully one day you guys can be decent towards each other. But that day isn’t anytime soon.

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Honestly if it were me I would appreciate the letter but from q view point of doing something similar to this I would strongly advise against it… it made things way worse in my case take her shopping get her a baby doll and show her how to tale care of the baby doll like you would a baby… and tell her everything will be fine and that no matter what you are there for her and you love her…

DO NOT write a letter. Just don’t do it

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Sounds like a bunch of bitter ass baby mamas in these comments. The woman should be happy she has another person in her child’s life who loves and cares about her child and her child’s feelings. I would want to now how my kid was feeling, regardless of who is the one telling me. The kids feelings are what matter, not the adults.

I don’t know why everyone disagrees with your attempt to bring your step daughter’s fears to attention.

Honestly, those are normal feelings. My daughter was 3 when I had my son and she was so worried after he was born with all the follow ups that I wasn’t going to come home with her brother again. She will adjust when her little sibling comes along. Doesn’t mean it will be easy, but assuring that her mom still loves her as much as she always have will help her to see that.

I understand it’s hard for some parents/step parents to get along for various reasons but as long as YOU are trying to be civil and respectful, and show that you truly care for this child, then nobody can ever say you didn’t try and the child will know for themselves where you stand in her life. The letter can’t hurt that bad, if you’re more comfortable communicating your concerns that way then it’s worth a shot. Or, if you think she’s gonna be sour about the fact that her daughter went to you and not her (because she really might NOT know) it’s better for you to tell her than to not. She might not want to upset her mom with her feelings, which could be why she went to you.

Listen, I was gifted with a beautiful step daughter when I married my (now ex) husband who is 3 years older than my daughter and is my son’s biological sister. Her mom and I didn’t have the best communication either, but I later learned what her reasons were for that and I understood her viewpoint 100% as a mother myself. My step daughter’s mother was one of my best supporters through our separation because we had a long phone conversation about the whole thing. We’ve been separated for over 2 years now and I’m so blessed to still have my step daughter in my life, my daughter has a strong relationship with her ‘sister’ and I will ALWAYS have 3 children regardless of the father’s absence in both children’s lives. And a lifelong friendship with her mother. Even after my husband left both his kids in the dust for drugs and jail time, I always took care of my step daughter on holidays and her birthdays. She will never be left out or treated any different than my own 2 children I gave birth to. My dedication (which has been much more than her bio fathers in her whole life) proved to her mother that I really did love and care for her and that I will never leave her like her dad. My situation might be special, but it was worth ALL of the uncomfortable, revealing, and tough conversations me and the other mother went through. Never give up on a relationship with her mother, it might take years, but it’s worth it all. It may not even be you (like in my case), it can be hard to swallow, but the reality is there may be things you don’t know about their prior relationship and her resentment towards you may be a projection of resentment for you s/o.

If she doesn’t appreciate the letter, take a step back for now. Find solace that you had the courage to reach out for the best interest of the child. And try again in the future to have a positive conversation with her. Try to see things from her side. It’s not easy, it can be really uncomfortable, but I know if someone showed me they genuinely care about my child to let me know what they tell them or how they feel, and they come to me to inform me, I would be forever grateful.

Good luck!

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Dad should do the talking but just to let mom know that daughter is a little sad and needs some reassurance.

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Hear her feelings out. Help comfort and reassure her she is still important and everyone loves her. If these are truly her feelings, coming for no outside source, encourage her to talk to her mom. This way it comes from the mouth and heart of the child to her own mom. If she is old enough to tell/explain/express to you, she can speak to her own mom….

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I’d just approach the situation as “she came to me with these concerns and felt it appropriate to share them with you, as she is your daughter”. Bio mom has a right to know how she feels. Regardless of how she reacts to you. Children and they’re needs come first. This child needed to talk to you about how she felt. If bio mom is worth her salt, she’ll understand and appreciate that you shared these concerns with her instead of hiding them. That way she can approach the new baby situation with her daughter more appropriately.

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Have dad talk to mom. Or encourage the little girl to talk to mom about her feelings.

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Just stay out of it. Bitches be crazay lol if there’s already issues there will be more. Have your dude say something

Urge Dad to have that talk. I think it’s normal for her to feel that way & mom is probably pretty emotional too. If my ex’s girl had wrote me a letter after I had my son… Ohhhh boy look out!!! Yeah, do not do it (good intentions or not) it’s not your place. Just console the little girl, and reassure her that her mom would never ever forget about her. Then let Dad take it from there.

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I would not write the letter. I would reassure her and also encourage her to speak to her mom, to tell her how she feels and that her mom definitely won’t forget her and loves her too, and just because she’s having another baby, doesn’t make her any less loved!

Don’t write a letter in can be used against you later. You tell the girl she needs to tell her mommy after you tell her dad and let him handle it if he won’t

It’s best to mention what she said and say you reassured her and wanted her to know how she was feeling.

It’s honestly not that deep.

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I would suggest you take your daughter out for shopping and maybe even eating out, just to reassure her that she is loved in both homes.
Let her pick something out for her future sibling (a toy or a book for her to read to the baby), that way she feels more included.

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I wouldn’t write a letter to her.
If you do keep it simple. “X has brought 1, 2, 3 to my attention and I felt you would be best at handling it. Here is what I have told her. If you have any recommendations for me I am all ears!”

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Get a gift for big sister from baby

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Stay out of it, let your bonus daughter express her feelings to you and reassure her but that’s all you need to do. You already stated you don’t get along with “baby mama” so don’t add to the problem. Also, for respect, don’t refer to her as baby mama, she is that child’s mom.

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Have the dad talk to her. It’s their child they need to work it out between them. You’re her 2nd mother and love her, but unfortunately if bio mom doesn’t like you, there’s just some sensitive subjects you need to defer to the dad

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I would let dad handle it. It is his ex… his childs mom…

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Do not write the letter. Coming from you will only make it worse. Have her dad let her mom know.

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Well it is a big adjustment for a 4-year-old and from my understanding those are normal feelings that older siblings go through I would just explain it to bio mom

I wouldnt write a letter about that specifically… I would write one to congratulate her and let her know that if she needs any extra help with the daughter you share then dont hesitate to ask,
Just simply put in there if she feels there’s just not enough time in the day, give me a call and I’ll come get her for a few hours to take stress off you and baby and makes sure she’s getting all the love she needs and wants.

There’s lots of ways to write it , but doing it this way won’t instigate a fight, where as writing to just say how daughter is feeling might.

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Why not call and talk to her? The letter just feels weird.

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I would let Dad handle it.

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Please don’t write the letter .
If you honestly think you should.
Than write everything your feeling than BURN it . Trust me !
There’s other ways of handling this . Than starting a world of trouble and unnecessary stress on a mommy to be

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Tell her exactly what her daughter said! So sweet that she has this relationship with you. Go mama :heart:

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Umm. You need to talk to her dad and let him tell her. If she doesn’t like you, this will not go over well.

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I wouldn’t write a letter. It’s not really something you should be addressing to the bio mom. Just reassure your bonus daughter that she will still be loved. Writing a letter will most likely cause unnecessary drama

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Maybe it’s time to teach her about anxiety and when its completely natural, and teaching the difference between anxiety and an anxiety disorder (that some is beyond normal and it’s only a problem if they feel to much, to often) teach her about reaching out to her bio mum and/or a professional. Talk to her about how it’s common for kids to be scared of being treated differently after another kid, talk to her about coping mechanisms. TALK TO HER, teach her the things you wish someone taught you, and also DONT just write a not for her mum like wtf show the daughter a good example of dealing with it straight forward and teach her to handle her anxiety BEFORE it develops into a disorder.

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When you say you have been a part of your bonus daughters life before she was born and “it’s complicated” it leads me to believe the bio mom may have a reason not
To like you. I may be wayyy off base but if I am reading into that correctly, honestly I wouldn’t butt in. I agree with most the comments here. Leave it to dad or encourage her to tell her mom herself.

Really a 4 year old and you want to write the mom a letter. Drive in your lane if you want to get alone with the mom.

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I would let your daughter draw her a picture of her whole family and help her write " I love you"
I had a baby shortly after a divorce and it does change the house and the biggest kids are forced to grow up and help fast. Staying quiet so baby can sleep helping mom keep things clean ect…
Just keep reassuring your child that mom loves her the same as the baby but she also has you guys as an extra bonus
Also maybe just let mom know you’re there if she needs Any extra help like taking the daughter more or making an extra meal now and then
A letter seems like it would do more harm than good since your relationship is already strained… But maybe just be a support system for both mom and daughter. At the end of the day at least you can say you tried.

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Why don’t you write the letter WITH and FROM your bonus daughter. Start with “Dear Mummy…” It would be taken a lot better if it was from her than if it was from you.

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If “it’s complicated” means what I think it means then this is not a good idea.

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I agree with most folks here. Let dad handle the ex. He needs to step up and do that for his daughter. He needs to be a voice for her.

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Urge dad to talk to mom. You and bio mom dont get along so that wont go well

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If I we’re you for the best interest of both you and that little girl, I’d let her dad be her voice in this battle. With you saying ‘it’s complicated’ makes me think bio mum isn’t “sold” on you, and that’s her fault/problem not yours… I think you should definatly be the bigger person for the sake of that little girl and let dad handle it in case it back fires and she lashes back at you like you said. But with that being said, make sure you and that little girls daddy continue to comfort her and reassure her, so that she knows she will atleast have you guys equally. :heart:

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Have the father talk to the mother

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