My 13-year-old granddaughter has come out and said she is nonbinary. I am confused about what that means and how do I help her not to feel that she is not loved for being true to who she is. Is anyone else have someone they love going through this. I understand being gay and transgender. But nonbinary is new to me. Thanks in advance for any insight anyone can give me.
I don’t fully understand it (I think it’s that the person doesn’t identify as either a male or female). But kudos to you for wanting to understand so you can support them!
Non binary means they do not identity as female or male so do not use she/her pronouns. Use they/them/their or their name when addressing them
I don’t have any advice, but I want to say what an amazing grandma you are!
I don’t really know what it is but thank you for accepting your granddaughter no matter what! Talk with her about it to help you understand.
I believe it means she doesn’t identify as a male or female, talk with her about it and tell her you want to support her and to know how to do it the way that she would like. I’m sure she will be happy to tell you more.
Talk to them about how they want to be reffered to. Granddaughter or grandchild. Or grandson. They may change. Nonbinary is basically neither male nor female. They are them.
It makes my heart happy to know that you’re reaching out advice on how to make them feel accepted. You’re an amazing grandma for making that effort!
Totally worth a Google search for you, or purchasing of a book. And oh - telling her you love her no matter what for being true to who they are.
Congratulations. To you for being an awesome grandmother & excepting your grandchild for who they are.
First ask them their Pro-noun… my child has chosen they or them…
My little sister is nonbinary, just support them, and it’s ok to ask them what they would like to be pronounced as.
It means they don’t identify as a specific gender. They may identify as neither or both.
But the best thing to do is have this discussion with your daughter. Ask her what this means to her? What pronouns you should use? What you can do to support her? She’ll appreciate the open discussion and acceptance sooo much.
Always support, no matter what. Maybe sit down together and ask your grand baby to explain it to you. That way you will understand it from your grandbabies perspective.
Sit and talk to her about her feelings and how she identifies with herself. Your an awesome grandma
We can tell you til we’re blue in the face what the textbook definitions are but I think your best bet is to just ask them what they need from you and have them explain it from their perspective you got this!!
At 13,these days…who knows what it means. They’re trying to find themselves&wanting to feel excepted by others. They have no idea which way to turn. We can only be there for them
It means they don’t identify solely as one gender or the other and don’t stick to strict gender expectations. It also means they may bounce between being more feminine one day to more masculine another. Sit down with your grandchild and ask about things like pronouns, expectations from the grandchild, ask questions you may have, and to remind them that you are always there for them. I commend you for being such a supportive grandparent and being so understanding. I see so many people judging or being critical and it breaks my heart. You are an amazing grandparent and your grandchild is amazing for being brave enough to be true to their self.
Non-binary (also spelled nonbinary) or genderqueer is a spectrum of gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine—identities
They generally use pronounce such as they them instead of him or her
I like instead of saying I love her you would say I love them
You’re amazing first off. 2nd, ask! I’m sure she’d be willing to open up to someone who is genuinely there to support and love her.
Start using they/them pronouns when addressing them, they dont want a gender role, they want to be themselves.
Non-binary is like they dont lean to either gender. They feel both. They are probably having trouble finding who they are as a person. It’s like they dont feel like a girl but they dont quite feel like a boy either. My suggestion is to have a talk with them. Ask about their feelings. Make them feel like they can be safe with you and confide into you. Always be supportive.
I would wonder where did she learn that term from? Then after that hope she truly understand herself well enough to want that title or is she following someone.
No. The children need to be taught they have a gender. Whether the child decides on being male or female thats up to them but they need to be taught they have a gender. My daughter acts like a boy dresses and looks like a boy. We use her name kensleys and ken for short. She has thought about whether she is gay straight trans. Shes 10. Ultimately shes not attracted to a person based on their gender but shes attracted to personality. The non gender is ridiculous. Birth certificate defines a gender, school records, hospital records and death records along with social security records. A gender is a must. How ackward would it be if said person said they do not have a gender and go through like people not knowing their actual gender and something happen to them ? What would you put on a missing persons flyer? Or heaven forbid the body be found it would read non binary person found brown hair green eyes etc… that could be anyone. They is plural for more then one person their means its more then one persons object/place etc… im completely sympathetic about the situation but a gender needs to be taught.
God made male and female nothing else
Just be honest. Let them know everything is very new to you and ask them to please explain what that means and ask how you can support them. Also let them know that you’re so proud of them and honored that they feel comfortable enough to even say anything you at all because it so hard to do that these days. Good for you for reaching out and wanting to understand
Hi there! It seems as if you have gotten the answers you’re looking for from the previous helpful comments. I just wanted to add in response to the naysayers, nonbelievers, and the “she’s only 13” commenters…
Okay sure. Maybe it’s just a phase. But 13 years old is EXACTLY the time to go through phases. To get your hair cut crazy, to listen to that weird band, to exclusively only wear mismatched socks. Sure, it’s possible that in time she may relate back to her femininity, or even find herself feeling more masculine, but in this time that is not how they feel and it is so so important to love them through it as to develop healthy cognitive functions in the future and maintain healthy relationships. Just because they may not think it in the future does not mean their thoughts are invalid now.
You sound like you’re on the right track, Grandma. Lots of love to you and your grand baby
I commend you for being such a loving and nonjudgmental grandma. No matter what you may think of the situation this Grandma is starting off right. With love and an interest in part of her life. Being surrounded by those that love her will help her find her way.
She has a vagina she is a female. Scientific fact. These kids are seeing this stuff, hearing it, pressured into, and they dont even fully understand it. It’s a miserable lifestyle which causes alot of suicide because of it. I would keep telling them you are a girl, or you are a boy, God doesn’t make mistakes and that’s it okay not to be these things just because society is normalizing it and brainwashing our youth into being these ways just to fit in.
Gay okay, all the rest of the terminology and different things are just ridiculous.
She is a girl, call her a girl and a she…and her.
Pretty simple if you pee Standing up your a man if you sit your a female. Quit being STUPID
my younger sibling is nonbinary. it’s definitely a learning curve for sure, i also had never really heard of it before until they brought it up to me.
i think a good way to start understanding and respecting them is to ask what their preferred pronouns are. my sibling prefers they/them pronouns. i refer to them as my sibling rather than my sister. it’s difficult and i still tend to slip up on it here and there, but they’ve expressed that the effort and acknowledgement goes a long way!
You’re such a kind and caring grandmother for wanting to understand what your grandchild is going through! Even simply typing in your tube “what does it mean to be non binary” may help you and be honest with them that you don’t understand, but that you are trying to and willing to learn and do what you can because you love them!
God created man and a woman. There’s no in between.
I just wanna say to the grandma who originally posted this question, you’re doing great. Fuck all these people, they don’t walk in your families shoes, and their love is obviously conditional and their kids will feel that, your grandchild however is going to be so grateful to have been supported!
These hateful comments make me really sad. Do I understand it? No. But I’m not going to be an asshole about it either. Grow up. If you have nothing helpful to say move along. Props to you poster for trying to understand and make them feel more comfortable
I love that you are so welcoming to your grandchild. Just be open and ask them what they prefer. I am always open with my nana and we have a great relationship. Kf she dosent understand then im always more than willing to educate her.
Dont worry about the hateful people on this site and do what you believe to be best.
As a mother i always said I dont care the gender as long as they’re healthy. That should stand true even if they feel they dont have a gender
My oldest grandchild identifies as non-binary. I view it as they don’t feel the social constructs of male or female apply to them and they are somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. I identify with their feeling this way as I remember struggling in my teens with what I was told I needed to be as a woman. I knew I was lesbian and that the roll of the traditional woman wasn’t what I identified with in the 60’s.
Being willing to listen and honor their language of identification goes a long way. If you meet them where they are you will have their trust and love for life. They may change their minds. These are years of struggling to identify who they are.
You’re doing a great job by asking
Support your children, doesn’t matter what they identify as, they are YOUR children… just love and support them as long as they are happy.
I would sit down with her and let her know that you’re not judging her and that you accept her the way she is. Then maybe have her explain to you what it means and if she maybe has a preferred pronoun. It’s a lot to take in but it’s important to make her feel welcomed to be who she feels she is.
Oh Grandma, I adore you!!
My daughter was born in a male body.
When she was 5, she was seeing a therapist for ADHD. She told this therapist, at 5 years old, that she was supposed to be a girl.
Although I was there, I didn’t really think anything of it.
I always knew she was different, but that can take on SO many different things.
Her favorite toys were stereotypical “boy toys”. Trains, matchbox cars etc.
I enrolled her in every sport under the sun. She HATED them all.
When she was 12, she came out to me as gay.
Oooook. This makes more sense.
I totally supported her!!
At 18, she FINALLY came out as transgender.
My advice would be, to ask her what her preferred pronouns are.
Then, just support her in that.
Most youngins start puberty around age 9.
For those saying that she is “too young”? That’s crap. I knew Who I was attracted to at that age. I also knew that I was a cisgender female.
Just love this child.
NO ONE would CHOOSE to live a more difficult life.
Not touching this one with a 10 foot pole
Just means they dont identify one way or the other. Talk to them and learn their prefered pronouns. Your acceptance will be everything to them.
This is the journey of discovery this is the first step the second is selecting which male or female that usually comes with a name change then a change of clouthes and so on…one day its my name is now “this” and I would like to be addressed as such…this is where it matters this is where you start writing the name they asked on the birthday card…over time things slide into place they have a mind set they probably knew as my child did at 4. Its great that can express who they are to you you already are doing a good job accepting.
Some people are so nasty!
Non binary is a real thing and HUNDREDS of people feel that way.
Thank you for supporting your grand baby, it warms my heart that they have such a great support system.
Just be there for them and love them no matter what. Love to you all.
It literally amazes me how people still can’t just stop being so judge mental and let people be who they are! It’s so sad and sick that people can’t just love one another no matter the differences in opinion and have to comment hateful ignorant stuff on other peoples posts. I think that you are already doing amazing job just by wanting to understand and learn more about her beliefs to be supportive the world needs more people like you!!!
Non-binary means said person prefers they and them pronouns, does not identify as either gender.
That means she’s a reptile she has 64 genders throughout the day
Thank you for actually being a supportive and a caring family member, not everyone is blessed with that. Nonbinary means genderfluid. Meaning they may identify with male, female or neither. Please ask what their preferred pronouns are, most nonbinary people prefer they/them but it’s best to ask. Apart from that, just love and support them! It’s so wonderful that you’re taking the time to learn what it means and how to make them feel secure and loved instead of being judgemental, disrespectful and discriminative like a lot of the ignorant commenters are.
A lot of y’all need to stop being discriminative in the guise of being “Christian.” Science backs up the fact that gender has more to do with the brain than it does genitalia and is a broad spectrum, not just male or female. It’s fine to hold your own beliefs/opinions but not when it is discriminative.
As a non-binary trans person myself I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have Nonbinary people fall under the “trans umbrella” because many of us transition away from the sex we are born as. It’s challenging both the sex we are born and the construct of gender.
Look at all the hate being spewed here. Think of what your grandchild is going to face in real life. Love them. Ask them questions. Tell them over and over you support them and love them and then tell them again. They are going to need it. Good for you for seeking advice, they have a better shot having loving support behind them.
They don’t see themselves as woman or man.
Nonbinary means they don’t identify as a set gender any which way. Some people that identify as nonbinary prefer They/Them as their pronouns, some don’t. Have a talk with your grandchild and ask what they prefer.
They don’t identify as male or female.
I told my oldest, and I’ll tell my younger 2, I’ll love them no matter who they love, and no matter how they identify.
My oldest came out as bi, they also identify as non binary.
I don’t gender identify toys or anything in my house, there is no boys toys, no girls toys, just simply toys, if they like to play with some thing they can play.
My son has barbies and my daughter has hot wheels.
My oldest has various items.
As I am gender fluid. I like dressing in both gender clothes. I’m also bi. Married to a man.
I feel like society is pushing this non binary shit on influential youth… and all children who comes out as such… should be seen by a psychiatrist to make sure it is not body dismorphia or some other kind of mental illness before allowing your child to transition. Being trans is different from having body dismorphia. And it should be explored by a medical professional before decisions are made that could harm the child for life.
I love that you can admit to not knowing much about it, but wanting to learn and be supportive! They are lucky to have you.
Some of y’all are acting ugly inside. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Or maybe “treat others the way you want to be treated.” I hope you are doing a better job of teaching that to your kids than you did of learning it yourselves.
I don’t think its about getting everything exactly right. Just being supportive of who they are in general is a great step. Maybe ask them specifically any details you want to make sure you are getting correct?
When I was 4 I was mad that I didn’t have a penis, because my brothers did. So I wanted one too. When I was 6 I wanted to run around the back yard all day without a shirt, because it was hot and my brothers didn’t need to wear one. But by age 10, I knew I loved dresses and started having crushes.
Kids are kids and they go through changes and feelings and they’re navigating their own world and figuring out their role in the world. Just love them, support them and validate their feelings. Let them know that no matter who they are or how they feel that you will always love them, even if you don’t always understand them.
Lord help these people
You’ve gotten some great answers here, but I’d like to reiterate to speak to your grandchild directly, let your grandchild know you have questions and love her enough to not want to insult her. Props to you for being open, and compassionate.
I dont mean to sound insensitive and im interested in understanding this also without judgment if I come across as such. Essentially a learning environment.
LGBTQ is lesbian, gay, bisexuality transsexual,questioning. Then there is straight. How does non-binary fit in? Do they love both men and women? And how does that differ from bisexuality then?
There are 2 genders. Male and Female. Those stem from body parts.
Which is why transgender occurs correct. Because you feel you weren’t given the body parts to match who you are inside. And you don’t identify as either. Which leaves you where?
As a nothing?
And how is they and them a pronoun? They and them are referencing other people not you as an individual.
Like “they” went shopping, meaning uninclusive to you.
I really hope these questions don’t come across as bold.
I just really haven’t understood nonbinary at all. And Ive never had an opportunity to ask questions.
Accept them don’t try and change it love is supposed to be unconditional it don’t matter if they are non binary gay trans…you accept it you have no say its their body their mind and who they are all you can do is love them for them they know who THEY ARE LIKE YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
Obviously, and unfortunately they will receive a lot of hate if the cyberbullying of an anonymous 13 year old by grown ass adults is the norm
So much confusion in the world
If they’re telling you they’re non-binary you can definitely ask them what that means for them! Ask how you can support them. Seek out a parent group for your own journey. Sam Smith (the musician) recently came out as non-binary and garnered a great discussion in our home, maybe a place to start for you? Practicing they/them pronouns will be helpful too. You got this mama!
First of all, it warms my heart that you don’t even know what it means and just want to support your grandchild. You are a wonderful person and example of unconditional love.
Non-binary people not only do not identify as the gender they were assigned at birth, they do not identify with the male or female gender at all. Non-Binary Sex vs.
What a tormented way to feel about yourself.
Pronouns such as they/them. Or you could ask them their preferred pronouns!
I would suggest just talking to your grandchild about what it means for them. And ask them what pronouns they would like to use. The fact that you are asking here means so much. Non binary from what I understand (I am cisfemale so feel free to correct me) is the person does not feel they are female or male. Or maybe some days they feel more feminine and other days more masculine. My bf child is non binary and they have asked to be referred to as a gender neutral name.
There is some real hateful trash in here.
Best advice IMO
Speak to your grandchild! Ask questions, express love and support.
In my experience its best to go to the source.
If they have told you they are non- binary then they have already assigned that label to themselves. Ask them what they mean by it and how they want to be treated by you as a result of it- eg pronouns as others have suggested. Personally I would not be encouraging any more than that.
Your 13 year old is going through puberty. Puberty is confusing, and made more-so with popular social trendiness.
I would ask her-what it means to her might be totally different than what it means to everyone else. That’s the best thing you can do
How does a 13 year old know the meaning and I don’t I’m mind blown. Lol
The fact that you are trying to learn speaks volumes. Keep loving your grand baby. I can’t imagine what they are going through is easy.
Thank you for wanting to understand pronouns is gonna take some practice but they’ll appreciate your efforts
The fact you’re trying will count to your granddaughter, she doesn’t expect you to be able to just adjust to her change, because she herself has struggled with it. All she wants is unconditional love and that’s what you’re offering, the fact you even care means more to her than you’ll ever know.
It is a new world now with no gender limitations and definitions. Hard for us to understand it, but very clear for the young generation. Tell her that she/they will always be your grandbaby .
Just they/them pronouns is all. Thank you for wanting to understand and being supportive.
Non binary is no gender. It’s and themes not she
You don’t claim to be any sex, male or female, you’re just human
That’s messed up lol
I think it’s amazing that you want to understand more and are supportive! Coming out to anyone can be really hard for someone and to know they have support is so important! Asking your grandchild what it means to them will help you understand the best! There is the general definition but I think everyone has their specific details that make it true to them! Non-binary means not identifying as male or female and not using the pronouns she/her or he/him but rather they/them! It can take some time to get used to changing pronouns but it does get easier depending on what they want to be called! It can take some time to get used to the new pronouns but it does get easier!
Sounds like your heart is in the right place. Ask pronouns. Keep learning. They have your love and acceptance and that’s what matters!
I’m so ashamed of all you ladies… I really hope your children don’t feel suffocated and miserable with your life style and know that if they try to confide in you with their feelings then you’ll call them demons, stupid, mental, or any other nasty things your telling this member
They are just expressing that they are human and would rather not be associated with he vs she.
I guess the way I grew up with it is that a girl can be into guy things be not be a Tom boy but rather just themself for loving who they are as a person.
Love yourself because you’re a great person not necessarily a good male/ female.
It’s a matter of loving me and you in a much deeper way than you may realize. Its really looking closer at someone and seeing their talents, hobbies, skills, and them as a person instead of comparing their rank of their gender, like how well they look as a male or female.
My son is 13 and told me he likes girls so why wouldn’t her 13 year old grand daughter know how she feels?
If a person asks you to call them be their middle name, or a Nick name, would you? If so, what is the difference using that persons preferred pronouns. It does not mean you are disrespecting God. It means you are respecting the human being in front of you. I am a Christian. He wants me to love everyone. How can I love them, if I can’t call them by their preferred name?
TJ Goins these comments are the reason why I’m not coming out to my family
Oooo my… bless your heart!!! Talk to them!!! And just explain you don’t understand what it means and want to be able to support as much as u can. There is never any harm in communication.
Wow I cannot believe there are some people here who says she should not support her granddaughter
People we are not living in 19voetsek anymore.
This is a whole new Era, a whole new generation and not everyone is the same.
So if there are people out there who feel they need to come out and let the world know who they are THEN SO BE IT!!
If my son had to come to me one day and tell me hey is gay or whatever, it will most definitely NOT make me love him less!!!
Be supportive as we live in a world where things are already so damn difficult to cope with.
So Lady, at the end of the day it is your choice on how to feel about this whole situation, the only thing I ask is that you try and picture yourself in your granddaughters shoes.
Life is difficult and we all need to be accepted and loved by those closest to us.
Good luck and Strongs xxx
I love that you are being open and understanding to her and also trying to grasp the concept of it. The fact that she felt comfortable enough to tell you says a lot about your relationship
Hello im going threw this with my 14 year grand daughter i didnt understand andcstill dont she wahts to be called gray i find ut hard to do that as ive called her real name sinde she was born she dosent want to be called her real name at school i live ger but find it very hard to keep up with younger generation lingo but were do they get there not male or female i no some ppl are both
Im just gonna leave this right here for anyone who feels the need to degrade this momma for being supportive and loving of her child. I hope none of you jackasses actually are raising any children because God forbid they fall outside of your realm of what is ‘socially acceptable or normal’ that would just be awful for YOU now wouldnt it…
As for the OP, good for you, ask your child questions. Its ok to not know everything, just let them know that you WANT to know. That it matters to you. Let them teach you what the ‘definition’ of them is. You’re an amazing momma.
I hope when I face things later with my grandkids as they grow older that I am as amazing and loving as you are! Great respect lucky grandkids you got there
Parents, please tell your children. If they have a penis they are a boy if have vajj then shes a girl. No confusion.
Can we just appreciate the fact that you must have a close enough relationship for your grandchild to even open up to you, it must have been really hard for them to do that.
I think it would be comforting for them if you say you don’t understand what it means to be non binary and ask for them to explain it to you, just be there for support & comfort because as you can tell by some of these comments there are some truly nasty people in this world and your grandchild doesn’t want you to be one of them.
The way I see it your grandchilds heart still beats the same, so they are still your grandchild it doesn’t change anything x