For SAHM. Do you SO provide entirely for your household? Like bills, groceries, extras? Does he give you any money for yourself, and or does he save so that you can get things if you need them? I am currently a STAHM (not by choice). Although i love my kids, i was making great money working. But bc my husband had a bad childhood experience in daycare, he refuses to let the kids go, and I had to be the one to sacrifice everything. It wouldn’t be so bad, but we never have any money, he never saves, and when I offered to take care of the finances, he argues with me bc it “his money” … I have to wait around for financial aid or extra money that I bring in from school to ever get my hair done, any extra clothes, or even get out of this house (which is also always an argument). I never have anything I need ( or want, really) and find myself calling my mother (I’m a grown adult) to borrow money. I am getting really tired of it, but my SO won’t even discuss the idea of me going back to work. So my real question is, am I selfish? Is this normal SAHM stuff? or do you SO provide the essentials and still have leftovers?
My boys are 10 and 15. The older wanted a job so I decided to stay home and drive him. My little can’t stay home alone while his brother works so here we are.
My husband provides everything and doesn’t care if I spend money. I take the little on fun trips and he doesnt care.
There’s an awful lot of red flags
I am a SAHM working on getting my photography business off the ground. With covid it’s been pretty impossible. My husband is pretty much the sole provider for bills and groceries etc. We have the same bank accounts, I handle the finances and making sure everything is paid and paid on time. I also put money in savings and we decided together what is “spending money”. He tells me all the time “babe go get your nails done.” Or “go buy an outfit”. I don’t have to ask or beg.
My so provides anything we need bills house and all I have to do is say hey I want a little money today I want to get x y z or I want to do this with the kids today he also funds my hobby I love gardening honestly what your husband is doing is financial abuse
I’m a SAHM. He provides all money and pays all bills. He occasionally helps clean and loves to smoke meat for dinners, so he cooks dinner a bunch. I take care of all 4 boys (10-4 years old) and 3 pets. I definitely don’t get messed with about money too often but I do know he sometimes feels overwhelmed with all the bills (he made them all for himself)
Yeah that’s not normal. You share money because you are both doing a job. He’s working you’re taking care of the kids. It shouldn’t be “his money” You’re a team.
“His money” 
man. Send him a child care bill weekly. That can be your spending money.
Put the kids in daycare, file for divorce, and go back to work. Your husband is a piece of shite. 
And I would put the children in daycare and go back to work 
I’m a stay at home mom. My boyfriend and I have a two year old and are having another baby in June. He provides everything. Bills groceries etc. he occasionally does give me money but I never actually ask for it. I do most of the cleaning and cooking but he does help with cleaning a lot. He washes and dries the clothes (our washer/dryer is in our basement and I don’t like going down there) and I fold them all. Teamwork is the main goal.
I am (mostly) a SAHM, I work 2-4 days a month and only when my husband is off and can watch our daughter. He provides for the bills, and I look after the finances because I have more time for balancing the budget and stuff. We try to save, and he has never once outright told me I can’t spend money (he has asked if I could wait till the next payday, once or twice, which is a smart move). That’s a ton of red flags, super controlling, and financial abuse.
You need to leave his ass you are his wife not one of his children, he is selfish a disrespectful!!! Good luck
I was a sahm for 9 yrs I just went back to work last year. My husband never “gave” me money bc I have access to our personal and business account and I just get what i and our kids need as well as transfer money for bills when needed. Obviously there were times we couldn’t afford extras and I wouldn’t have money to do things our buy new things. But if we did then I would. We have an agreement that unless it’s for bills or groceries neither of us spends over $250 without discussing it with the other. But if I want to take my kids to do something or go to lunch with my girlfriends I don’t ask permission. I use my own sensibility to judge if we can afford it or not.
Um…I wouldn’t discuss anything…find a job, put your kids in daycare and if he doesn’t like it he can stay home with them or file for divorce. No one person should control the money or make all the decisions in a relationship.
I’m in Canada so I get a lot of money just being a mom, so that helps pay my personal bills, buy whatever for the kids, myself etc. My husband works and pays whatever needs to be paid, offers me money etc your husband sounds like a jerk. If I were you, I’d send the kids to daycare and go back to work.
Honey this is more about control. He has you right where he wants you. Please pay attention to the red flags 
. This is a form of abuse, even more so if he will not let you help improve things. Also remind him you are in a PARTNERSHIP and what’s his is also yours.
I’m a sahm and my husband is the main provider. I do babysit so I do bring in some money. But only time he gets upset if I buy something is if we don’t have the money other then that he doesn’t care what I buy or when I buy something weather it be for myself the kids or him. My babysitting money is basically our emergency money
We opened a joint bank account as soon as we got pregnant with our first. There is no “his money, my money” bullshit. Any money earned goes into the bank account we both spend from. I also have a savings account that I move money into often. He doesn’t have access, but he always knows how much is in there. And I pull out of that account when we need a bit extra. Even when I was a SAHM I still spent whatever and still moved money into savings.
I would just tell him that you are going back to work and putting the kids in daycare. If he doesn’t like it he can figure something else out. If he’s going to continue to say it’s his money then you are going to make your own money. You are supposed to be a team and he isn’t acting like one.
I stay at home and he works. I did work prior but everything is still our money. I have a debit card with my name on it and if i want something, i get it. If i want to do something i do it
Send him a itemized bill for everything you do…
Me and husband have been in every working position you can be, me staying at home, him unemployed and me full time and now me working part time and him full and I can honestly say money’s never been a issue. What’s left after bills we just spend it together.
Get a job put the kids in daycare! If he doesn’t like he can stay his ass home 
Sign em up for daycare and go back to work. Fuck that shit. Not fair.
Simple go back to work and tell him that your tired of struggling if he doesn’t like it oh well it’s supposed to be a team effort and he’s not being part of the team
Sounds like he needs some therapy and you need to be back at work
Go to work and tell him either he can stay home or daycare it is. To heck with that.
My husband provides everything. I am also a SAHM. I have zero income coming in from myself. If I want or need something I usually just go buy it, unless it’s super expensive. Then I will ask him if its okay and we decided if its worth it at the time being or if it’s something we can save up for and get later on. We just make sure out bills are all paid and we have food on the house before getting extras.
Im a sahm and my husband works but I’m the one who handles all the finances and determines if we have fun money or not and when we need money for things we need. He doesnt mind at all we’ve always said even before we got married and when I was working that any money that we have is OUR money it didnt matter who made more money or anything it was simply OURS.
A… that’s your money too.
B… since when does a man tell a woman what she can and can’t do?
C… you’re being controlled.
D… look into work from home if you can’t stand up to him.
All these jewelry selling jobs, the bath bombs, etsy, scentsy etc
If you are in this for the long run, it shouldn’t be “his” money. It should be “our” (both of yours) money. I am currently a sahm, also not by choice, but I handle the money because he isn’t the best with saving. He has an amount for himself every month, and if I really wanted something, I could get it. We ask each other about something before making bigger purchases.
The situation you’re in sounds very controlled in my opinion. He won’t let you put the kids in daycare so you can work, but he also won’t allow you any money because it’s “his”? I really hope things start working out for you 
What my man ended up doing for us that has worked so far is he gave me my own credit card that he pays for every month. But he also doesn’t keep our financial situation a secret from me. He doesn’t claim it’s his money, to him it is our money. He goes to work for us as a team. There are a bunch of red flags here that you should definitely be concerned about. I get not wanting to send your kids to daycare for many reasons and most of the time it is cheaper for one to be a SAHP and the other parent to work but this just screams bad things. I hope you figure everything out in the end!
I’m a stahm full time and I take care of my house plus 1 10 yr old and my husband. Laundry food etc. But my husband makes sure I have everything I want and need. Hair nails clothes etc. I take care of finances and we call it our money. I work at home and he works at a factory so we both have full time jobs. We aren’t well off by any means but we make it work.
I just became a sahm but my fiancé has been providing all the money and he is open about it with me. I do have to be cautious with spending because his ex-wife in the past made it really hard for him to trust anybody else with his money.
But we budget things out for bills/savings and then what we want afterwards
Put your big girl panties on and put your kids in daycare and go get a job! Your husband’s a dick plain and simple.
Jennifer, thinking about having someone read this thread. 
You’re not being selfish at all. I’m a stay at home mom by choice and my SO gives me spending money. Your husband sounds selfish and controlling… Give him an ultimatum. Tell him if you want me to stay home you should give me some money or I can go make my own. Do what you want though. Don’t let him control your life.
Go back to work, put the kids in daycare and that’s that. He doesn’t like it? Tell him to quit his job and stay home and take care of the kids he helped create then. You have a say in your life and happiness even if you’re married.
My boyfriend and I switch off, I get the day shift job he gets the night shift job so he has our daughter during the day I have her at night. We both make money and we combined our money for our bills and other stuff I don’t give him money he doesn’t give me money it is OUR money and every now and then when we have the time we go plan something to do as a family or just a simple date. Also might I add we don’t just go out and get stuff for ourselves we talk about every money decision made unless it’s a surprise then it’s more of “can I spend so and so on something for you”
I know people will say that isn’t right or normal but for some people that is how it is or it is normal but it is I guess some would say very old school and selfish he somehow controls everything but doesn’t see how much you sacrifice that is my life also I am feeling like wtf do I do so I can change shit up and do me but he will find some way to not let it happen
Oh boy. I wish someone would say that to me
If he’s not the one that wants to stop working to stay home and watch the kids so you can work then he should have no say if you put the kids in day care!!! Especially if its all “his” money then you need to make your own some how! Put them in day care and go to work mama! If he don’t like it file for divorce. I was a stay at home mom for 5 years and never had any issues. My bf supported everything and I had access to all the money to make sure bills were paid, had groceries, and me and kids had everything we needed. If we wanted to go do something he never once questioned it. He sounds controlling!
Maybe you can work opposite hrs than him.
I’m a SAHM since covid. My husband’s income will always far outweigh what I could bring in. He provides for all financial needs, wants, extras and vacations. I handle all of the bill paying/ spending. We communicate about it all. He works out of town minimum 10 months a year, so I have no “limits” from him on when/what I spend money on. He knows I have to run everything while he is gone & wants his kids & I to have whatever we need. If your husband is saying it’s his money, then let him keep it & you do better than him with your own job. You & the kids shouldn’t have to beg him for financial stability because of his past issues.
I was a stay at home mama for awhile. It’s our money. We are a team and we are equal. We both created those children and we both provide fully for the family just in different ways. We have a joint account so I didn’t need to ask but unless it’s a more expensive purchase we still discuss , even now that I’m back to work. We never kept secrets financially from each other. You have just as much say as he does.
My husband and I have always had a joint account. It’s our money and has never been separated. After all monthly expenses are paid then we can decide what’s left. If I need something or if the kids need something I get it, and vise versa. We both have access, it doesn’t matter who is making the money.
That’s a control tactic.
Put kids in daycare, and go back to work. Fuck him.
I am a stay at home mom and I control the finances and pay bills. If I was you I’d enroll them in daycare and get a job. Screw what he thinks!
Im a stay home mom my bf always makes sure we have everything we need and want he offers to get my hair done fills up my gas tank when needed and so much more Im thankful. We have our first child together shes 4 months old and i have one previous relationship who is 4. Always takes me out on dates.
Or… maybe he is a major control freak and likes to keep u at home where u have zero money!!!
Tell him straight… ur kids are going to day care… giving them time and experience to socialise with other children and play … and u can then go back to work… ur not a SAHM… ur a prisoner.
… if he so called had a bad experience at day care… should ask his mother … just in case he is using that as an excuse to control u… why don’t u stay that u will ask ur mum or his mum to care for the kids and pay them or a sister or close friend … then he has no excuse …
Go and get on with ur life… go work and live a life… a life thats not got u kept basically a prisoner in ur own home x
No you are not selfish! I am a SAHM by choice but my husband lets me leave the house whenever I want. And he gives me money whenever I ask. I would put the kids back in daycare and go back to work. If he don’t like it then he can quit his job and stay at home with the kids.
Nope, not normal. Sounds like he has control issues. I was in a similar situation and I ran the first chance I got! Good luck
Yea time for you to either get the kids in a program you trust or maybe work a job that has different hours than your husband, so you two can trade off on watching the kids while working. It’s not healthy to feel completely trapped financially.
I too am not a fan of daycares or sitters so I’ve worked and did the trade off shifts but went back to a SAHM when I was pregnant with my third and my husband takes care of finances… household, cars, groceries all of them. I have complete access to the account and don’t have to ask to use any money. I buy things as necessary or wanted. We discuss large financial purchases with each other because that is necessary to keep things running smoothly. You sacrificed your job for his comfort level, he needs to understand that that decision affects you financially and therefore he will have to take that into consideration and replace that loss.
However when I did work my husband still fully supported us financially. My pay was simply a nice bonus, extra money for household needs or wants.
I’m a sahm but his money is also my money and he says that all time and he pays all the bills and food and extras and if we do have extra spending money we make sure we can afford what is one or the other wants or kids want but I do our finances and make sure we pay everything and know what we have left to spend and also not by choice being a sahm I love to work and I know two incomes are better than one but with 5 kids and two that don’t go to school his job doesn’t really have the option of me doing an opposite shift bc he never knows if he is out of town or on days or nights til the beginning the week
Combine everything with the fact that it is an argument just for you to get out of the house…proves it is not a financial issue…but a control issue. Get a job…put the kids in daycare and if your marriage doesn’t survive that…walk and don’t look back… the control will just get worse…would not surprise me when each kid reaches school age he will try to talk you into having a baby. It is about control.
Not normsl at all !!
Your husband is controlling you. Take your kids to day care
I’m a SAHM, in school, but I take care of all the finances, spend pretty much whatever I want with in reason, and let my husband know what to use each week. Now, let me say this, my husband works out of town, makes good money, and if bills didn’t get taken care and if he did not have plenty to use himself, it would not be this way.
I am a SAHM of 3 kids. My SO works full time but when I become a SAHM he gave me full access to the money to pay bills, groceries, get what children need, etc. We did it this way so he could concentrate on working without being overwhelmed with the budget and I didn’t have to wait to get the children anything they need. As for getting myself anything, as long as the bills were paid, groceries done and money left over I could get what I want. I’ve been told I’m a spoiled SAHM, but it works out well so neither party gets over stressed.
So I am on disability, therefore I’m the one who stays home with our little boy. Inget very little money each month of my own. Of I want or need something it’s purchased (within reason).
What you have described is financial abuse.
If he doesn’t want the kids in daycare, why doesnt he stay home with them.
He’s being demeaning, controlling,possibly narcissistic.
He needs therapy.
I’m a SAHM and my husband always says it our money he takes care of everything from bills to the kids and even gives me extra money (if we have it ) to go out and do stuff with the kids and never complains
It sad he had a bad experience but you need to do what’s best for your family. I’m a SAHM. We share everything but I don’t need permission to spend money but I’m mindful of our money situation. I worked till it made sense to stop working. Do what is best.
I’m a stay at home mom. My husband is the provider. His money is my money. Its OUR money. He provides for the Bill’s, groceries, gas and whatever else we need for the kids or myself. I’m on his banking account. If your husband cant come to some type of agreement when it comes to finances then put your foot down. Put your kids in daycare and go to work. If he doesnt like that he can become a stay at home dad.
You are not his property and he cannot stop you from getting a job if you want to. Why does he have the ultimate authority?
I used to be a stay at home mom ( my daughter whos autistic is in a group home) when I was my husband made enough I was raised by old fashion parents who didn’t
Say his money her money it was Our money
And it’s the same way now but a little different I’m disabled because of a stroke
So my husband works and makes enough and I get money too
No it’s not right you gotta do what you gotta do put them in daycare explain "Hey if we want extras I have to work "
And so on and so forth and what have you
It is his decision to keep them out of daycare therefore he should be providing for you.
If he can’t, send them to dayhome and your money is your money.
After my kids were above age 2 we felt it was safe to put in daycare. That way they can tell you if being mistreated
Wow! When you are married it is also your money! If he wants to act that way then you can’t just be without money yourself. Go get a job. If he’s uncomfortable with daycare (which I am also) then maybe ask if your momma or any close family members could watch them, if not, then he’ll just have to get over it & they’ll just have to go to daycare. Sounds like your husband is super controlling & a jerk.
My husband provides everything in the household. He’s kinda tight on money & complains when money is spent but hey, I do it anyway😂 but just recently I decided to get a job after being a SAHM for 6+ years so I will have money to spend myself & to help pay bills. My mom is going to watch my kids. My husband is completely okay with it. This day in time it’s honestly too expensive for just one person in the household to be working.
No that is not normal! While my husband and I have separate accounts, he did give me a credit card to use for whatever I need since I’m not working. He pays all the bills, and never questions what I spend money on.
I stayed at home for 3 months between jobs. I had to blow thru my savings to keep my part of the bills paid. He never gave me a penny! He even encouraged me to get out of the stressful job. Now he isn’t satisfied with the one I have and money I make. He acts like I dont contribute to the household when I damn well do!! Its all about control!! You run now girl!! Do it while you’re young and can!!
I am a SAHM. Daycare is way too expensive for an infant and my mental and physical health make it very hard to hold a regular job. Husband is fine working. He loves to work. He would rather I stay home and be happy and healthy and save the Daycare money. We always consult on spending but he never acts like its his money. I also do crafts and stuff on the side so I have a little money to spend on things I want but I never consider it just my money. I also do alot of surveys and stuff online for cash. It isn’t much but I do feel like I am contributing to our finances even if it just goes to pay for a pizza one night a month. I would be leaving his ass if he made me ask him for money or called it all his. I do a majority of the house work. He doesn’t ask me to and he helps at least with dishes and mowing. If I ask for help he does but most of the time I can usually do all the house stuff.
You are a grown ass woman. If you want to work, then you should be able to go and have support. If he doesn’t like daycare then perhaps his ass should stay home. I love my job and making my own money and feeling as though I am contributing to the house. If my husband wanted me to stay home, that’s too damn bad.
Your husband should support you, period.
I have been SAHM for 8 yrs now and my husband pays everything obviously. We have a joint account and we discuss all our finances together. We set a budget every two weeks and obviously anything that is a need comes first before wants.
I would just get a job myself I’ve always wanted my own money.
Lots of control issues here… If you need things he needs to give you money. Or maybe open a inhome daycare at your house and watch 3 or 4 kids to bring in extra money. I did it for years. Tax free money. Sounds like you need to communicate how your feeling to him. Hopefully he will listen. If not, maybe counseling? Good luck mama…
Put them in daycare and go back to work if you want! If he has a problem with it he can sacrifice working to stay home and take care of the kids 
Uh, what you have on your hands is a control freak. Since he doesn’t want the kids to be in daycare maybe HE needs to keep his a** home with the kids while you work. Me personally, I wouldn’t let ANY man dictate what I can and cannot do. You have every right to get some of the things that you want/need and you shouldn’t have to beg for it. You guys are supposed to be a team. But since it’s “his” money, you need to go out and make YOUR money. 
So why are you still with him?
He gets to make choices for himself and so do you❤️
My husband has always been the one who worked I haven’t worked since my son was born and hes 31, so yes my husband has always provided for everything which included things I wanted. He never once said the money was his its Ours…so if he won’t let you work he needs to let you have your own money provided by him
I take care of the finances as my “job” so if i want clothing i go buy it. If me or the kids need clothes i buy them. If it’s something big we both want we save up.
It sounds like HE is a controlling asshole, and a jerk. “His” money became community property when he insisted you become a SAHM…
If you don’t want it, put the kids in daycare or make him stay with them.
Don’t put yourself in a position where if you want to get our you can’t bc he controls everything.
After over a decade married when we split, I had no work experience, and no money bc it was all his. A fact he liked throwing in my face.
Sis! Fuck what’s he’s talking about, if he’s not going to support you financially while you are taking care of BOTH of your kids then go back to work, even if it’s something small like door dash until you have enough for childcare and then get a real job. Either he can help watch the kids or he can give you the money you need to take care of yourself too. Men don’t listen until you MAKE them listen.
When you’re married it is also your money especially if the man makes you stay home to watch the kids! I wouldn’t be a SAHM if my husband wouldn’t save up
Honestly I’d get a part time job when he gets home from work for things like that.
I am a SAHM (by choice) and my husband brings in all the money. We have a joint bank account and I never have to ask “permission” to get anything I want. I am also the one who makes sure our bills get paid on time. But I also make sure I dont go spending his whole paycheck on worthless junk. It’s a team effort.
I’m a sahm. I get my fiance’s paychecks. Every cent. I pay the bills with it and get what we need. It’s OUR money. We don’t get “paid” for being a sahm. If I wanted my hair done or whatever i would just do it. I wish I could work too but it wouldn’t be worth it if I did.
Wow I’m so sorry 
I’m the one working and my husband is at home with our child. Everything I make goes to our joining account and every Single week he gets $120 for his out to eat expenses.
It should be the same in your case.
I would just go get a job and put the kids in daycare. What’s he going to do once its done? If he has a problem tell him to stay home.
Id start giving him a weekly invoice- house cleaning, laundry, cooking, bathing kids, caring for kids, etc. If he can’t respect what you do; charge him.
Ummm he’s not in charge of you. Go back to work.
Nope that’s not gonna work. Put the kids into daycare and get your job. Open an acct and keep your money in it Bc you’re prob gonna need it, this isn’t gonna end well. Financial abuse is a no go.
I just got a night job and made him watch the kids at night.
Fuck that tell him to either give you some type of money for yourself a week or your getting a job either the kids can go to daycare or if he doesn’t like it he can stay home with them/ or find a alternative childcare option either way I wouldn’t be going without just for his convenience while I’m doing without things I need/want.
I’m a stay at home mom and my so provides anything I need or want.
No it’s not normal at all he sounds controlling and like a narcissist.
Well sounds to me like he should be the one staying home and taking care of the house and kids while you work.