What qualifies as abuse?

My SO (been together 22 years but not married) roughhouses with the kids (5 year old girl, 3 year old boy) I didn’t have a dad growing up and I just don’t get it. Sometimes they will say to stop and run away just to jump on him again. They sometimes hurt with knees and elbows. If he says to stop, and they don’t he says they will be stuck and then they have to struggle to get out. They seem to dislike that but again, run away and go right back. Today he was trying to show the 5 year old how to shuffle cards. She was actually just making them fly all over the place so he said that was done. He really meant it, I could tell he was getting irritated. She jumped on him really hard to try to get the cards as if it was a game and catapulted over his shoulder onto the floor. As he stood up to go out the cards in a cupboard out of reach she was clamoring him and he pushed her from standing to sitting on the couch. She wasn’t hurt but I am worried it qualifies as abuse as even though my kids fight and push or hit each other at times I always say that we don’t hit. How can I say that if he pushed her down? How to proceed? I might mention that in our 22 years together, he has ever pushed or shoved me or physically abused me in any way. We have had spats and he might give silent treatment or leave an hour or so to cool down in the past before the kids but never so much as shoved me like that. I think he was way irritated and she was coming at him like that.
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Look this up on YouTube. It’s the best I’ve heard to date;
“Why Kids Need Rough and Tumble Plays - Prof. Jordan Peterson“

No it’s not abuse and you need therapy. This is out right horrifying. Abuse accusations are serious and could disrupt family life if DHS got involved.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What qualifies as abuse?

He has no history of abuse. And they rough house often it seems. If it were abuse, you wouldn’t have to question it.

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So, your ready to call him an abuser when he was clearly telling her to stop numerous times and you did nothing to help him? Sometimes kids need that little push when they have overstepped the boundaries.

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Ya that wasn’t cool of him. Sounds like he’s over stressed. Maybe talk to him about it and see why he felt he needed to push her. My therapist says anger is a symptom of emotions. He needs to figure out what emotion triggered this and address it. He needs to look under the anger and see what emotions are being buried.

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My S/O is the exact same way and so was my girls dad and my son’s dad. Not a difference I can see. I wouldn’t consider it abuse because they’re playing. Like??? Pushing isn’t the best option but it wasn’t done in malice and he made sure she landed on the couch. It’s not abuse.

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It’s not abuse, but if you’re clearly seeing this behaviour from your kids, why not intervene and show some discipline?

Both of you need to work on your parenting skills on how to react to and discipline your kids. Because it could eventually get to that point of no return one day.

What he did was not abuse. But you both need to work on your parenting, not just him.

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I don’t think you have anything to worry about. In my opinion, that’s not close to abuse. Adults rough house with kids sometimes, and you may think that the kids are getting hurt. But in actuality, they are enjoying themselves (running and jumping back on him). I honestly think that if you talk to him, you’ll find out it was nothing…but that’s just my take on it :heart:

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My kids don’t have a stop button till they get hurt. They will continue to round house kick dad till he put them on their ass pretty damn hard. But they still continue it takes like 45mins of him trying to stop them for them to stop. Lol. They like to rough house. And when dad gets them going they won’t stop

If it were abuse, they wouldn’t run back for more. Plain and simple :heart::heart:

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It sounds like you need to work on boundaries as a family. No means no, enough means enough.

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It sounds like a normal dad rough housing with the kids, and the kid got too excited and went too far. It happens. Next time when he seems like he’s irritated like he was this time, chime in with “hey your dad said stop, now stop!” Sometimes they think the parent is just joking and doesn’t mean it. If it was abuse you’d definitely know it.

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I think your child was disrespecting his boundaries, and he didn’t hurt her.

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What! Sounds like she needed it, narcissistic tendencies u have

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He could be struggling mentally xx

I think the kids need discipline

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As a kid my dad would pick us up and literally throw us over the coffee table onto the couch when I was about that age. We got hurt. We still wanted more. I don’t think him pushing her on the couch is abuse. My kids ask me to knock them down. It’s not like he got mad and pushed her like he would an adult. Communication is key. Y’all need to talk about it

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I think everybody needs an outlet. Maybe they can play some games in the yard to release some energy. I think “not getting too rough” is a good rule to impose. Accidents happen. They just need to not make it intentional.

Bro, spank her ass and set boundaries with your kids. She wasn’t getting her way so she was being a jerk to him. He put her on her butt on the couch. He didn’t punch her in the face or leave any marks on her what so ever. I understand they rough house but they also need to understand that when someone says enough that means enough. Everyone has limits as to what they’ll tolerate.

I dont see abuse. He got irritated and she wouldnt stop jumping on him so he pushed her and she landed on the couch. Thats not abuse. Abuse is leaving marks belittling them things like that. He was just frustrated. It happens. I have done the same not proud of it and my daughter did land on the couch. I couldnt take anymore and she just kept going and going. It happens. No one is perfect. If you feel concerned just keep an eye on it. They’ll be ok. Best of luck.

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I’d have a talk with him. Putting your hands on anyone when you’re angry, no matter how small isn’t ok. It’s about respect too. Just because she’s little doesn’t mean you can be disrespectful and push her down. Rough housing is playing as long as when someone says stop, the other person/people stop.

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Sounds like your kids need to listen and learn what no and stop means. Meanwhile you need to stop reaching for BS by calling him an abuser when he isn’t. Also sounds like you should be helping him to control your kids instead of just sitting there and complaining about a non existent reason to people on the internet for attention. Go talk to real abuse victims and learn the difference.

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First ,he’s not abusive. He’s told them no.

2nd…They don’t understand the word NO. This is bad. Now you need to teach them before it’s too late.

3rd …They don’t know how to mind. They think it’s a game.

He’s trying to play and discipline. He needs to tell them the game is over. He can’t back out first. It needs to be ended completely. When they run back tell them no. Dad is done for the night.

Talk to him about it. Ask him if he wants help or if he wants to handle it alone. But you don’t want to start a fight in front of them about discipline. It will show weakness in the ranks. Not kidding. You must be a team and stand together as such. Even when they’re older tell them mom and dad need to talk first before an answer is given.

I had 2 brothers that loved to wrestle with dad. It can be confusing. But I remember Mom being the one to say " ok game over".

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I think it’s not cool at all to catapult at a child or adult, pushing, shoving they will think it’s ok with other kids outside the home, could start problems, and you may have to complain to other parents that their child hit yours but your kid shoved them first, put a end to it immediately

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Sounds like normal roughhousing to me too :woman_shrugging:t3: I think he’s doing OK :+1:t2: kids can be full on and some get seriously carried away sometimes.
It was the other way around with my ex husband, the kids loved to play rough, to a point. He didn’t understand the word no and would keep on with whatever they’d been playing. It wouldn’t stop until the girl(s) were in tears and then he would call them sooks or pussies… :woman_facepalming:t3:
That’s abuse.
I did say ex husband didn’t I… :+1:t2:

Omg! It was nothing with him she is the one who needs something said to her or discipline. All he is doing is playing with his kids! He isn’t meaning to hurt his kids. She needs to understand that when he plays like that it’s only meant on that time and not when she shouldn’t be. If he says no then she doesn’t need to be acting like that

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It sounds like those kids need to learn what discipline is! Frankly, you’re partner wasn’t hard enough with them. If you and you’re partner don’t step up and teach the kids right from wrong, the law will eventually. Those kids are ruling that house and both of you.

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Gotta get ya backbone mama! Put your foot down. We don’t want to be the one disciplining and want to cuddle and love them to death but u have to set those limits. Other people could seriously hurt them and other children to play like that. Gotta get control or they will tear u down and destroy your life if u can’t get that under control. JS

He may not have meant to push her as hard as he did either

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These children sound like they’re naughty and left to do whatever they want.

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If they didn’t like it they wouldn’t go back 4 more…chill out

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I don’t think he’s abusive at all. I think if you are struggling with how he parents you need to have a private conversation and maybe come up with a plan on how u want to handle it. Don’t make a deal about them rough housing that’s the most natural way for kids to bond with their dads.

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I think you should be lucky to be this ignorant about what abuse is.

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I’m like this with my kids aswell girl 5 and boy 7 …. They jump and play fight with me all the time sometimes they go a bit overboard and someone may get hurt a little bit it’s just fun and can’t stop them from having a little fun with there dad :+1:

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This is normal. Don’t make your kids little whoosies.

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Why aren’t you giving your SO of 22 years with no history of physical or verbal abuse , the benefit of the doubt ? It seems like he got mad and didn’t realize his own strength, rather than this was an abusive situation. Also if what he did made you uncomfortable, then you need to discuss it with him.

Parenting is a work in progress, trial and error. No one was hurt and I think you need to work on communication in your relationship about child rearing and what each other’s expectations are.

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It sounds like you are over thinking and looking for something to be there… The question is: why?

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He isn’t an abuser Kids can push sometimes. All u have to do is also step in and tell her enough. And talk about things like that in private ask him if he wants u to butt in if the kids are too much. We agreed as parents to never let a child get away with something one parent says no to.unless we agreed on it. so be a unit and don’t let the kids control u

Omfg after 22 years and that’s your biggest concern? Count your blessings he’s a good dad lol

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I think play fighting is normal, especially between dad and kids. I person don’t like it because my son ends up overexcited and doesn’t know when to stop.
If you think they are playing too rough you should speak to your partner.

If you think he’s being to rough with them than I would discuss your concerns with him.

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I think you are completely over reacting.

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He’s being a dad settle down…sounds like when I was a kid except you are turning nothing into something…I remember hearing my mum say “that’s enough someone’s gonna get hurt” “Peter that enough now” while us kid won’t stop and it’s getting rougher “that’s enough….” And I was crying lol :joy: my brother could handle lol I’m the sook but 5 mins later boom back into rough housing… but they need to know the difference between dad saying no and dad saying NO and as his wife and their mother you should of backed him up

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That’s just how dads are. My brother man handles and flips around my non verbal 2 year old and he loves it comes back for more

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Sounds totally normal but maybe the kids need to be reminded boundaries and when something is a game and when it isn’t.

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That man is not abusive…

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Sounds like a normal dad playing with his kids to me. My grandaughters can get pretty rough with their father and he’s the same but it looks rough but it’s not

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If you don’t want him to be rough with them, maybe teach them not to play with him like that? I personally wouldn’t consider this abuse. But I guess to some it could be a little too rough of play or correction. Honestly, if your kids don’t like it, they would’ve stopped doing the behavior that caused that reaction. To them it probably just seems like playing.:woman_shrugging:t4:

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My husband is rough with our kids. We have a 5 and 7 yr old girls and a 2 yr old boy. The girls will ask my husband to wrestle with them. They want to wrestle and fight with him in different ways and the 2 yr is old just insane and wants to be totally rough with his daddy. Its definitely not abuse, especially when the kids are enjoying it.

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That’s not abuse. He usnt striking them. He pushed her to sit on the couch. If you don’t like it, you need to tell the kids to stop hitting him and climbing him. When Dad says no it means no.

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They were rough housing together. That isn’t abuse unless he’s doing more than what you say

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totally normal just talk to him about using his words with them. and remember if we don’t respect when they say stop why should they when we say it. even during play when you know they want to continue if they say stop you stop until they say otherwise. that’s how we’ve tried to get ours to understand when we say no more we mean it.

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I literally throw my kid onto the couch and trampoline, she giggles and asks me to do it again and I happily continue to lovingly throw her.

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Completely normal, mums are always the serious ones or the loving ones that kiss all the boo boos, give cuddles and all the rest dads normally rough house with the kids to toughen them up, my partner plays with my daughter and if she cry’s or says stop he stops but 2.5 seconds later she’s back at it laughing her head off. He pushed her on the lounge knowing it wouldn’t hurt her I wouldn’t class or as abuse at all.

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I’m mean. It’s normal for alot of dads to act that way and very common. But no less. If it makes you uncomfortable you should definitely have a conversation with him about it

Relax lady :joy: talk with him about your concerns, honestly just seems like your overthinking the whole thing :woman_shrugging:t3:

The only issue I forsee with rough housing is the kids may have trouble identifying when to stop and rough they are allowed to be. Otherwise they’re just playing.

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It’s normal to rough house but you have to have some house rules.
Setup whats is and is not ok inside
If someone’s done then respect that- the rough houser* dad* has to example that
So it in open spaces for less chance of serious injury
… then whatever for games and individual comfort in your home applies…
If your concerned that your so is actually angry about stuff with them then he definitely needs to explain rough housing is just for play and fun. But other times it’s up to you both to teach correct ways to handle a situation.
The cards thing I’m confused about. Did your kid do the shuffle card pickup thing and that peeved him off from not listening or were they trying to shuffle them and they got messed around allover? …
Either way. Identification and how to handle emotions has to be taught. If your your so is that upset bc a 5yo chose to throw cards around when they were playing with them then it’s a parents job to say that’s not how we play with them and put them up n move on to something else. The child’s probably not ready to learn a card game, so what.

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House rules​:bangbang: and DISCIPLINE :bangbang::clap:t3: :woman_facepalming:t2:

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That’s not abuse. My question is why are you looking for something that isn’t there???

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To answer your question NOTHING you described qualifies as abuse :joy:
He does qualify as a great dad that actually spends time with his kids and has fun with them

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Haha pushed the boundaries!
His not abusive but he has lost control of the kids.
They get so hyped up they keep going till someone gets hurt eventually.
Boundaries must be set!

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That is not abuse I knock my kids over alot not on purpose obviously :joy:

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Oh lord, definitely not abuse. If the kids were hurt or upset they wouldn’t be going back for more. Its normal rough housing. Don’t be soo uptight.

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Dad’s all over the world playing with their kids!!! :rofl::rofl::rofl: and my daughters always wants more!!

Seems like you are looking for something that isn’t there.

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Is this a joke?? Do you not know what abuse is? I would be scared to even be with someone like you if you think this way its not normal.

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It’s not what other people say what qualifies as abuse, it’s how you feel about it. Trust your gut feeling, it’s not wrong. Your mother instinct will tell you. Don’t ignore it and speak up for your kids, otherwise no one will. Best of luck.

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OK I never put comments on here, but some of you are being quite rude. She just said she didn’t grow up with a dad, so she doesn’t know what typical behavior is. So, quit trying to say she’s just trying to find a problem. She came on here being vulnerable opening up to something she’s concerned about. And some of you were laughing at her like it’s a funny thing to be concerned about your kids? As someone who did not grow up with a father either, I had to work through the same emotions and concerns. And to answer your questions from my point of view, The roughhousing is completely normal, and probably mostly good for them. Fathers bring a different dynamic to a family that’s important for kids. That roughhousing is healthy and a way that fathers and children bond together. As for how your daughter reacted to the card being taken away, I agree you both should just sit down and talk to her about boundaries, that when she’s playing with her father and roughhousing that is different than when he tells her no, that she does not have the right to jump at him like that, that when he says no it means no. As for him pushing her onto the couch, my opinion is it’s no way any type of abuse, however maybe just minor, slightly poor parenting. Seems like he did it out of frustration, to get her off of him. That’s not discipline that’s just acting out. Is it a huge deal, probably not. But possibly the better choice would have been to get down to her level and tell her that her behavior was unacceptable to jump at him like that. I wouldn’t worry so much it seems like everything is good, these are just things we have to navigate as parents in a family.

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:woman_facepalming:I can’t imagine how dismal your house is for those young kids when your SO isn’t around. Gee whiz! Get over it!:woman_facepalming:
Heck! At those ages my dad used to run through the house with us in his arms like an airplane and throw us on the bed. We laughed so hard and begged, “Again! Again!” I’m so sorry that you obviously never had a parent/parents that playfully played that way with you when you were those ages. This is how all kids those ages like to play and he is simply responding IN FUN to their FUN!

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No i wouldn’t worry, the kids just need to learn when to stop. And like most kids, they don’t want it to end. He didn’t do anything wrong, nor abuse his kids, and yeah i agree with others, you’re overreacting on this. He just had enough and the kids didn’t pick up on that apparently.

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Moms- we are meant to be the steel pillow. Meaning being strict but a soft place to land.
Dads- are meant to be the wild animals, the alpha lion that raws at the kids and knocks them over in play and showing them who’s boss.

At least that’s how I see the roles lol

But I get it. Not having a loving normal home to grow up in, will make you see every action with hurt eyes.

You are way overthinking this . There’s so much wrong in this world so many kids are really abused starve trafficked. If you really think the man you been with for 22 yrs is abusive you need to leave him. It’s ppl like you that ruin perfectly good families over some stupid shit u tried to read in to. Are you just feeling left out. Get alife

Planning an exit. Needs grounds to keep kids

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All I hear is a dad who likes to play/wrestle with his kids. Like most dads LOVE to do. And if him pushing her onto the couch qualifies as abuse, then I guess I’m abusive because I do that all the time with my kids.🤷 You sound like you’re reaching for something that isn’t there and it’s not healthy.

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Sounds like it was more of a push to beat her from getting up first so he could put the cards away!! Sounds innocent but only you really know how it went down. Go with your gut. Sounds like things just got hyped up… my son an his father get like that an i I hate the crazyness of play fighting… think it’s a man thing!

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Doesn’t sound like abuse at all. My son and his dad play this way all the time. Just set some boundaries and let them know that enough means that person is done playing.

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You need to explain to the kids when it’s time to stop and enough is enough. He’s had enough and she didn’t pick up on that snd got carried away that’s all

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If you have to ask, it’s probably not abuse.

But, things to ask: was your child showing signs of fear/anxiety? Were they seeming hurt, emotionally or physically?
Or does it overall just seem in good fun?
You could always mention to your husband to just be a little less rough with them and that sometimes it make you concerned that they’re going to get hurt.

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Sounds like normal behavior to me. It also sounds like your kids don’t have boundaries and don’t know when to stop when Dad says “no”. And, maybe I am reaching here, but it sounds like you talked to a friend about this and they put the “he’s abusive” bug in your ear and now you are questioning everything he does or you are looking for an excuse to leave him.

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Oh honey. Take a deep breathe. You’re worried for no reason (based on what you’ve stated.) I’m sorry you grew up without a father but all of that sounds perfectly normal.

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Seek counseling, you need help if you think that abuse.

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These are really serious questions?

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That is normal!!! My daughter’s uncle plays rough with her all the time shes the one who starts it the play wrestle and all that and I did the same with my uncles and grandpa when I was little it’s not abuse sounds like he was trying to give himself time to grab the cards before your daughter got to them again and if you really don’t know what abuse is you need to do some research cause that is not even close to abuse

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Sounds normal to me…if you don’t trust the father of your children after 22yrs and 2 kids there is something wrong with the way you are thinking.

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I swear Facebook is making these type of posts appear on my newsfeed lately so I say something out of line and get banned lmao… with that being said, chill. Sounds like the dynamic in the household and his actions, considering, are justifiable. If she’s not bothered, I don’t see why you should be either.

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I’m trying to figure out how you’ve been with someone for 22 years but have the mental capacity of a 16 yr old.
Your kids and hubby are fine. Take a chill pill.

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That this happened even a question is pathetic

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If in doubt go without

Sounds like your kid was being annoying and he was over it.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What qualifies as abuse?

Im a mum and i rough play, my husband does too probably not as much as me and me and my brother and our cousins used to do it with my dad. Its not abuse at all.

All he has to do is make stop mean stop. If we are tickling my 5 year old if he says stop we go ok and we stop if a family memeber is doing it and he shouts stop and they dont i tell them no he said stop. So we stop until he wants to tickle or rough play again.

Honestly a good rough and tumble game is good for them if they like doing it aslong as everyone knows when to stop

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This just sounds rough.

In our house Stop means Stop. No if ands or buts, even if they are playing and someone says stop then the action stops and it’s addressed.

It allows the kids a safe way and a clear example of no means no

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This is not in my eyes abuse at all
Yes, if he allows them to rough house around with him he can’t be surprised when the kids try to do it not realising dads not playing around!

I think most men rough house play with their kids and sometimes the kids or parent gets hurt but that’s what happens
He Can’t expect to never get hit hard or have the kids throw a knee in or even a knock to the privates lol

But I consider abuse to be an ongoing or regular series of events or emotional degrading behaviour

Prob just need to have a little chat with him about watching how he reacts when they hurt him accidentally :slightly_smiling_face:

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Doesn’t sound abusive at all but try and encourage him to use words to calm the children rather than actions as they can get out of control especially when irritated/overwhelmed. I was abused growing up and in relationships as an adult and this doesn’t sound abusive but you can always voice your worries to your partner

We use to rough house with my dad all the time till my sister broke his ribs then we stopped. Maybe like a previous comment chat to them and say stop means stop and then address it etc but wouldn’t say it’s abuse unless it all increases after you’ve address the initial issue.

If anything sounds more like your kids are going past rough housing and abusing.
They need to calm down and your husband needs to learn to say irritated instead of walking away and you need to learn wbat abuse is and how to be a partner who doesnt cry to the internet but talks to her partner and kids.

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Doesn’t sound like abuse to me, most dads play fight with their kids. However, I think the main issue is knowing when to stop. For both the dad and the kids. If the kids aren’t enjoying what he’s doing and are asking him to stop, he should. Kids should be taught that their bodies are their own and nobody should touch them if they don’t want them to. Same goes for the kids, they need to be taught boundaries and know when stop means stop x