I need some advice & guidance please no judgement. I been with my husband for 5 years married for 3 years we have a 21 month old. I’m a stay at home mom and he works second shift. For the past year and half things have got bad between us we fight all the time every time I tell him how I feel he says I’m complaining and turns it around and starts a fight. I don’t care to take care of everything in the house because he is working and I’m not but I never get a break and it is overwhelming. The past few months he sits on his phone from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed he doesn’t spend anytime with me or our child I have tried to talk to him about it and he says he doesn’t want to watch cartoons so stays on his phone I know that ain’t a excuse but anyways he normally gets mad and starts a fight he has threw his phone when I have asked him to put it down and pay attention to us. He doesn’t touch me sexually anymore but always makes comments about how I don’t touch him when yes I have stopped because I don’t find it fair anytime we do anything it’s all about him and that’s it he doesn’t touch me love on me or nothing. He is constantly watching porn which bothers me but I have got better about it but it’s the fact that he doesn’t notice me at all I cut my hair off big change he didn’t even notice it until I said something a week later. Our child doesn’t want nothing to do with him because he doesn’t play or nothing and it breaks my heart. He don’t know nothing about our child bedtime routine, how much she eats or drinks in a day, her doctors appointments, clothing size or nothing he has never gave her a bath or put her to bed. He turns anything around and starts a fight when I try to talk to him about anything and I just am left feeling worse then I already did. I love him but I’m starting to fall out of love and I want to try to fix it but not for sure if it can be. If we was to split I would have to go back to work full time and I can’t afford child care and everything else by myself and I have no family that can watch her while I’m at work. Please help I need guidance and advice.
I’m sorry your going through this , but if you keep expressing your feelings to him about stuff that’s important to you and he does nothing to change it , he probably doesn’t care and won’t change . From what you wrote it sounds like your a single mom already .
It’s hard when men think that being a stay at home home means they don’t have to lift a finger. His job is 8 hours and yours is supposed to be 24/7? No. It doesn’t work that way. Your job is 8 hours and he has to pull his weight, too. It create a lot of resentment otherwise.
I think he needs to find a 9 to 5 job. He obviously is not happy (neither are you). Your schedules are opposite. This may work when you child is in school, but right now you have a young family. I’d hate for you to lose your marriage. <3
This might be a reach but some of what you are saying about him sound like symptoms of depression. He may benefit from a trip to the doctor and maybe you could try marriage counseling? Or maybe separate for a while and try to work things out. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work but at least you could say you tried.
unless you plan on being married ALONE for the rest of your life you need to find a way out of this sham marriage , things will only get worse if you stay
As far as child care you can always reach out to the government for child care so that you can work. If neither one of you are truly happy and he doesn’t want to work on it and you’re tired of trying to work on it then for the baby’s sake separate. What good are you teaching your child by staying in a relationship that’s making you miserable.
Felt all this lady!! Sorry you are going through all this and kinda in the same boat just not married. Sounds like you have a narcissist-and i mean that as in “everything was great at one point and now its shit and you are alone”. Him blaming you and starting fights is call projection and its more everything to do with him and himself them you or your baby. I dont mean to seem harsh but get out now while you can.
You are a strong woman and the 1 thing your little one needs is you!! You can do anything and will make whatever happen for you and your baby.
Hope this helped. Much love and luck!!
Don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but these were the signs my friends husband was cheating. He would fight with her and blame her so he could get alone time to talk to a “co-worker”
There are programs out there that will help single moms check into them and if he don’t change do what you have to for you and your child. Your child is number one priority
Time to walk away. You and the child need stability not a man that watches porn and doesn’t want to help. Yes he works but not on family issues. He wants a momma not a wife. Seen it way to many times he is cheating on you with the porn and probably in real life.if you are already doing alone then you need to do it alone your child needs to know that things are ok and a happy momma makes a happy child. And that child will not except the life you are living now when the child is in their own relationship.
Speaking from personal experience, that is domestic abuse. If you want to separate from him and want true guidance and help start here …
https://www.ywca.org/connect/contact-us/
Why can’t you work part time mornings? Opening at a grocery store or fast food? To get out of the house and make some money forcing him to care for your child and take on responsibility at home?
FYI if you leave it isn’t all up to you to pay for day care…he will be responsible for a portion of health insurance and child care as well as child support. That’s how things work.
Did he not want kids beforehand? Perhaps he could benefit from counseling or maybe he’s depressed.
Find a job. Apply for childcare and get out of the relationship. Staying in that toxic relationship is doing more harm than you can imagine.
Girl its not gonna get better an you can do better
There will always be an excuse why he cant or dosent know.leave…
Your basically a single mother raising 2 kids. Get you a job whether it be from home or when he is off to watch your daughter. He needs to grow the F up and take care of his kid. Save up some money and gtfo of there
Start having ur own life… go out when he comes Home so he has to spend time with his daughter… get an evening job where u can get out the house and he will have to learn her routine … and u get some money of ur own… if he doesn’t want a life with u… make one for urself and get some confidence and try to enjoy life a bit… he will soon have to pitch in if ur not there… if u don’t do something to make a change then ur a little to blame for allowing him to carry on the way he is. Take his free time away … the lazy narcissistic git
Your lack of motivation will keep you on this path until he affords to leave you there alone. Continue the nothing you currently do in order to achieve this goal, you wont have to do anything, he’ll do it for you.
Its amazing what you can do when you have to. There are benefits you can claim even if you work part time… Free child places funded by government for low incomes…help with rent etc. Look into everything you would be entitled to…its not being lazy or a freeloader its needing help…you’d be much better of mentally alone and your child needs to be out of that atmosphere…even young children can be affected by this behaviour
All these comments about letting him watch your child while you go out, or work, or get a break are quite frankly misguided, this man has tremendous resentment issues, and as a parent its up to you to absorb it until you can get you and your daughter out of there, protect your child by not letting her be alone with him and get yourself clear of his psychology
Sounds like he has no emotional attachment to you or your child. He’s more than likely not going to change. You and your child deserve to be treated well and loved and I don’t think he even wants to. I would have to leave and be done. I wouldn’t even want him to be able to have alone time with my child. That would be supervised only and he may not even want to.
Get a job and leave. As soon as you’re hired tell him you’re done. Find someone to stay with till you can afford it on your own. Immediately take him to court and take his sorry ass for all he is worth.
You get a job now. File you day care assistance.
There’s ways to leave, you just have to want to.
Hes probably depressed. My boyfriend started working 2nd shift when our son was 6 months old. We now have a 4 year old and an 18 month old (2.5 years now). Everything you have said was exactly us for a very long time. We still aren’t super sexual because we don’t see each other a lot due to working opposite shifts (and both kids sleeping in our bed with me when he is home), but when we finally sat down and talked instead of screaming at each other, he finally opened up and said that he’s depressed. Working 2nd shift is hard. Never seeing your family is hard. Being awake only when it’s dark and everyone else is asleep sucks. Maybe your man just doesn’t want to admit to you how hard these things are for him. Maybe he’s avoiding his feelings because he knows he needs to work to support his family. In our case my boyfriend uses his phone and computer as a distraction to his depression. I realize it’s hard to be alone with your baby all the time, and do everything by yourself too, trust me. I still struggle with it even after our talk, but maybe ask him if he’s ok? It might open up a whole new world to you both
Good luck mama, you got this!
Cant fix something when only 1 is trying. He obviously dont give a shit, best leave him hes only making your life worse and life is to short
If he will go, I’d recommend marriage counseling. If he won’t go, start working towards being able to leave and divorce him.
Put your child in daycare with the money he is earning now. Get out and get yourself a job and put money away for you and your child. When you get out there you get attention from others rather than starving for only his attention when at home. That’s what happens. You are doing everything so there is nothing left for him to do. If you take off for a few days he is gonna have to start taking care of your child… you are not giving him the chances so of course he is not realizing that he needs to cuz he doesn’t need to cuz you are doing it all… once you get out and find yourself and stay busy and occupied you will be in a better mood and by then if he is still the same having no emotional attachment to you and your child you know it’s time to leave no matter what you have done on your part…. Be determined and sharp minded. Don’t be weak your child is not a baby she is a big toddler now she can be away from you to go to daycare.
Child support and state help is how you pay for daycare and food. You most definitely can move out. It will be hard. But it’s possible. You can find another mom fir a roommate?! And your income based housing. You don’t have to put up with this relationship. It’s a choice. Not great options, but still a choice. Hopefully you choose yourself and your daughter.
Maybe ask him point blank, and DO NOT SAY ANYTHING OR INTERRUPT until he has fully answered the question and gone silent. Even then, DO NOT REACT OR RESPOND. Just think about what he said and how he said it, say OK or nothing and walk away. Yes, this is SO hard, but critical to getting answers. He can’t fight with you if you refuse to participate in the argument. BE AS NEUTRAL AS YOU CAN BE and don’t betray any emotion one way or the other. Yes, this is incredibly difficult. Look down at your lap or out the window if your face will betray you. Chew gum if you need to occupy your mouth. Take a walk or a shower or go to the store or take the baby and drive around if you need to cry or scream.
Space the questions out over time; do not throw them on him all at once. Maybe one every few days or once a week. You can follow up with more questions on another day, but keep it to only one question at a time. Most men don’t multitask well. He yells and argues and deflects because you’ve struck a nerve, he probably knows you’re right and is mad at himself for not being a good husband/father.
- Would you be happier in another job or working another schedule? This is a good first question as it’s not as personal as the others.
- What do you see as your role or roles in the family? Maybe ask what he feels your role is in the family or what he expects of you first so he won’t knee-jerk with “Why?”
- Do you not want to be a father? Would you be happier without a family? Did you not want me to get pregnant? (Ok, 3 questions, but they’re related).
- Do you not want me as a wife anymore?
- Are you seeing someone else? Why do you feel the need to look at/what do you get out of looking at porn?
- Are you depressed?
- What makes you unhappy?
- What about our life makes you feel overwhelmed or anxious?
- What would make you happy or happier?
- What are your financial goals or hopes for the future?
An alternative would be to write down the question, let him think about the answer, and set a future time to listen to his answer. Assure him you will not judge him on his answers—and do it—and you just want him to be honest.
Also, dig into how his father and grandfathers treated their families. As a hands-off breadwinner? A participatory father? A yelling authoritarian? An absent patriarch? This could give you insights into how he sees himself and his role in the family.
Maybe ask if he would read/watch a parenting book/article/blog/podcast/TED Talk, either separately or together, and set a time to talk about what you read. Start with the shortest one. What’s a good idea, what seems iffy, what do you each think in general? Make notes on anything you each want to incorporate. Even if he scoffs and says it’s all BS, he has been exposed to the information.
Once you have alerted his doctor to the possibility of depression and anxiety, or an early mid-life crisis, and gone through some of the questions, see if he’d be willing to go to marriage counseling. If not, and his answers have not produced any enlightenment, then start planning your exit. Or you can be doing exit research all along.
Contact a women’s center and a lawyer to see what your options are. Is there a waiting list for subsidized housing or child care? How much could you get in Food Stamps or Medicaid, or how much of a discount could you get with Obamacare (the Affordable Care Act)? Do you attend a church or other religious institution that could help you out? Please be careful and get financial statements ASAP before he could drain the accounts. Set up your own account in your name as soon as you earn any money or whatever you can save from grocery or household expenses.
Are there moms groups you can join? Are you taking advantage of library programs, parks, parades, fairs, moms day outs, school sports and plays you could enjoy for little or no cost? Can you make friends with neighbors? Maybe do something on the side to earn some money (sewing, translating, cleaning or organizing on a one-time basis, weeding, whatever) so you could afford a children’s class? Make friends with the other parents. Once you have parent friends, you will have help with childcare through play dates, a better social life, and get some much-needed perspective. Also possibly a safe house.
Good luck to you. There are worse things than being single. You might be surprised that even though you will have to juggle work and motherhood it’s easier without all the stress and negativity. Plus he’d likely get some custody where he’d be forced to parent and you’d get a break. If you separate, you might see that that would be enough to open his eyes after a few months. Or not.
If he’s on his phone all the time sounds like there is no time for communication nor does he want too. I don’t know, doesn’t sound very promising to me. I had to work and my kids were chronically asthmatic and on a machine every 4 hours. I didn’t make a heck of a lot after daycare, but I knew once they started school things would be better financially and they were. So it’s up to you, but maybe he would be happier if you worked and contributed financially. I know you don’t want to hear it but things don’t sound very good to me. Can’t sugar coat everything for y’all. He sounds more like a child than your own child. You could be so much happier if you were with someone that was happy.
It sounds like he is done.Get a day job and make him watch ur child at nights.Save ur money because if u see no changes u need to leave before ur daughter thinks this is how men should treat women
Sounds like he’s checked out. I would talk to him about counseling if he’s not willing to work on y’alls relationship and his relationship with y’alls child then it’s time to move on. It’s not fair to you or your child to live like he’s a roommate and not a husband or father.
Therapy and marriage counseling.
If that doesn’t work and you two split, he’ll have to pay you child support, possibly also alimony for a time, and possibly a portion of her child care. If you make little enough, there are resources that can help fill in the gaps until you get on your feet. It’ll be hard but not as hard as a loveless marriage.
Couples counseling. Bi weekly dates. Yes a babysitter sometimes. Maybe find a way out if the house or part time job even if most goes to a sitter. You need to get out
And be human
I have been there and I feel much better now struggling than I ever did “stable” and feeling alone and unloved. Even if he deals with depression or mental health issues there comes a point to hold yourself accountable and not completely destroying your family.
First of all you can do it by yourself the government had all kinds of help for single moms like ABC vouchers for child care and wic for babies they will even get you a crib and everything else you need. Start looking for work and go to the WIC office and they will tell you how to start the process
This all sounds familiar. I was home and babysitting and my ex-husband worked full-time during the day. He got tired of seeing all the baby stuff in the house as our kids had gotten a little bigger so I got rid of all the baby stuff and got a part-time job. I worked at Biggs in the evenings. People are saying to get a job and let him take care of her. If he’s anything like my ex-husband, your child may eat Oreos for dinner. I had to quit the job because my ex-husband did not take care of the kids. They pretty much took care of themselves. As the years went by my ex-husband got worse and worse and was finally diagnosed with dysthymic disorder. (Chronic, milder type depression)
My kids are now grown and on their own. I divorced him about five years ago. If you leave, you will get help through the state for daycare, food stamps, child support and possibly alimony until you can get a job.
Your husband may very well be depressed. You may pull teeth though trying to get him to see a doctor.
I was married for 31 years and regret staying. I stayed trying to help him and things only got worse!!
You deserve better. 
Girl leave I’m about to do the same thing
Well, if you leave he will have to pay child support.
Most men that I know aren’t talkers. They are just wired differently. Take your baby to the library, most have a story time for little ones. Find a church. Meet some other people with small children. Maybe if you don’t feel so needy he will relax. I get it, you’re lonesome.
Make a deal with him. Every day tell each other something that you like about each other. After a few weeks up it to two times a day. Just something positive. Like I’m thankful that you took the trash out.
The change of adding a baby to the family is not trying to become negative and pushing each other away. After awhile of the compliments and feel appreciated both sit down and talk and agree to take the time to think about the way they feel and their perspective. Make agreements on a compromise as a trial and see if it works out.
There are SO many work from home jobs too! I was paying $120 a week for aftercare and working nights and weekends. I randomly starting looking during quarantine last year and finally found some good sites to follow where jobs are posted and now I’ve been with UHC for 13 months. I think you should even look into that now. You can do this. Put yourself first sometimes. 
It takes 2 to make a relationship work. Both of you need to put in more effort. If you can afford a babysitter or daycare, go out and find a part time job.