Me and my husband have two kids and live 3 hours away from my MIL who has not worked in about 7 years. My husband has MS (5 years now) and we have to go 12 hours away 2 times a year for doctors appointments. Well … everytime we ask her to watch our kids (which is usually months in advance) she’s perfectly fine with it, then about 2 weeks before it’s like pulling teeth and she usually makes up every excuse in the book why she can’t so we stress out (mind you my parents live in the same town as us and both work full time and help us out a lot) then last minute she tells us she can when we already made arrangements. Anyways she’s only actually watched our kids 2 times since these appointments. My spouse has a brother and she is over there 4 days out of the week watching their daughter (while the mother is at daycare and while the father is home). Everytime we ask for help she makes up this big show about how she doesn’t have a life and she broke and depressed (ya know really pulling the pity me card) and makes us feel like we are a burden for asking for help 2 times a year. Well a month ago my spouse asked her if she could come up (we would pay her and pick her up and drive her back) and watch our 1 year old for 2 maybe 3 days and put our oldest off to school while I start a new job and wait for our permanent babysitter with set schedule (also we live in a town where daycare isn’t open to children under 18 months). She was so happy wnd said of course she can just give her the dates… well my job will be starting next week wnd my husband mentioned this to her last week and now again she can’t watch our kids and she … in her words “committed” to watching the brothers child. Now my husband has always grown up with his mom favouring his brother … he really takes the blunt end of the stick… his brother calls him spoiled among other things. Anyways the grandmother has also only seen our 1 year old 5 times in the last year. We try and go up to visit atleast once a month and we stay at his grandparents but usually end up leaving because the mother and. Brother tell us how his grandparents are old and have a hard time when we are there etc… even though they are there almost every single day with the little girl… so they make us feel like we are a hassle … there’s honestly so much I could write… anyways I don’t want my kids growing up feeling unloved or second or anything like that … I’ve mentioned just cutting her out of their lives because it’s been so many times she’s promised my 5 year old she would come up and then breaks his heart and I feel so bad for him… and I’ve said it to her once that if she doesn’t want to make an effort in their lives then to stay the hell out… she turned it around like I don’t ever let her see them 🥴and how I’m in the wrong and I’m a narcissist etc. What do I do??
I would talk to your husband about it first. He may see what you’re talking about but it’s still his family & may not feel the same as far as cutting her off. If he agrees, I would tell her how you feel. I would tell her that is very rude to agree to watch the kids then cancel, not only because it causes you to stress and find other arrangements but also because it makes your kids get their hopes up & hurts their feelings. I hate when people try to act like grandparents but when it comes to actually doing things and helping they don’t.