We only get my bonus baby on the weekends but me and his mom have talked about what she is comfortable and not comfortable doing and as far as we both think I am his mother just as she is. And I have every right to do spankings time outs and everything else. In your case it seems to be a conversation you and your SO need to have sit down and talk about what you should be doing or not doing.
Dont speak about her Mum unless she directly asks you, then be careful with wording.
As to the rest, well if she lives with you then Yes you need to talk about chores, emotions, general life and anything else.
Just make sure you have spoken to Dad about anything first.
You 2 need to be in same page and back eachother up or you won’t form a good bond with her.
It’s tough to be a stepparent. The best guide line that I can think of is to never talk about her mom in a negative we. No matter what. Try to have the parent in this case dad do as much of the discipline as possible. Have him with you to back you up if you need to correct her. Try to be as positive and kind as you can.
First always call her your bonus baby not step child. I’m not a mother to one but I’m a grandmother to 3 and I treat them just like I treat my grandkids. Just give her love and attention that she needs and some days it might be very hard because they will rebail on you. My granddaughter loves her bonus dad but sometimes she gives him the devil but he’s always trying to stay as calm as possible with her even on her bad days he loves her. Just give her love that’s all they’re searching for from you.
Really depends.How old is child?How long have you been in the picture? Is the bio mother taking active role in child life?
As a step child let me add some uncomfortable points. Depends on…how old is the child, how long have you been in the picture…and did you have anything to do with the ending of the original couple, has the child asked? For your best relationship results you should do EVERYTHING you possibly can to help this child have the best relationship with both of his/her parents…with absolutely no expectations that you will ever be viewed as a “parent”. Allow this child to love their mother and father and you might be a grandparent one day…interfere and you will always just be grandpa’s wife.
I’m in the exact same spot. I have 2 step children 12&11. Me and the dad have been together almost 8 years we just recently got custody earlier this year. The most important thing is for the child to know your there no matter what. My step kids drive me crazy at times (pre-teen) like they should but they know when it comes down to it I’m all they got since dad works crazy hours and they have come to understand that there are house rules that need to be followed if they want to do things. I don’t stop them from talking to their mother but I monitor phone calls and visits are supervised for kids safety. Basically just need to sit down and explain house rules and chores depending on age and what you and dad have decided for the child. Mine are old enough we let them cook supervised of course. Things will work out. Good luck.
I’ve been in my Step daughters life since she was 2 she’s now 11 when she’s at mine and SO’s house I am mom her mother has told her before what I say goes when she is here. I don’t do anything when it comes to school wise I don’t attend parent conference that’s for her mom and dad and I don’t do any type of Dr visits but everything else I’m a part of. I feel like it honestly depends how long you have been around, if you’ve only been their for a few months then you and your SO have to find the line your comfortable with but if you’ve been around for a while then as far as I see it you have every rights to make decisions at your house.
Treat the child as your own
Coming from a blended family, I always saw it as the step being more like an uncle or aunt than a parent replacement. You’re there to help and guide, it’s your house you make the rules, but the parents job to discipline and reward. You should get a vote with your spouse/partner but execution is on them.
I am a step mom as well … the children live with there mom but when they are at my house I treat them just like I do the rest of the kids… they cleaning you cleaning too… you mad ? Why talk to me … Sometimes a step parent is a safe haven from the real thing…
THe best thing to do is sit her down and tell her that u don’t want to try and take her moms place or try and be her mom …you want to be there for her and be a friend with a guide to protecting and loving her in life …but most of all you want her to be able to feel comfy coming to u to talk which u need to tell her that she can trust u and tell her that u all are s team and need to work as a team and bring in the responsibility of the chores let her know that u are not out to make her life hard or uncomfortable your wish is for everyone to be happy and have a nice family lifestyle …I had a step mom growing up but it was difficult so more explanation and her seeing reason will help good luck and remember u are doing the best u can
don’t , you’re not the mom .
Well. What’s the dad say? Hes the biological parent, not you
I swear you people asking questions have no common sense smh
Treat her like you would your own. If she lives with you then raise her guide her etc
It depends how long you’ve known her I think, or if y’all are even close at all & you can be more as a friend & not a mom to her.
I wouldn’t. If you have an issue talk to her dad so you both can talk with her. But there always has to be respect. You with her and her towards you. You still are the adult and she is a child.
It’s idiotic to say she is not aloud to speak with the child about these things. So because she’s a step mom she’s not supposed to play a role in the child’s life or have a relationship with them? If she’s going to be around for a long time then she should absolutely be playing another parenting role to this child and have a relationship with them to be able to talk with them about personal things and discipline the child as well. Especially considering it sounds like the child is with her more than her own mother. There are certain things that should be left up to mom (talking about periods and feminine issues such as that) but a step parents role is to be another parent.
Anyone who lives under my roof i will have a say over.
Depending on the child’s age maybe sitting down with the child and the dad. Setting some rules for chores and any other concerns you have. Giving the child the chance to voice how they feel about the situation. You want to avoid the he said she said that happens alot with bonus parents.
When your talking about respect in your home you have a right as I have told my ex’s gf to do when my kids visit. When you are talking about speaking to her about issues just be a friend and listen offer advice if asked but certainly do not discuss her mom because at the end of the day it’s still her mom.
I wouldn’t push about issues she has with her biological mom unless she comes to you about it. But anything else ie rules, chores, behavior you should be able to addr as.
So many ppl are not the same🤦♀️…first…have a decent relationship with the mom…my stepsons mom came to visit him last night…she picked up take out for all of us and we ate dinner together…second…I treat my stepson just like I do my own kids…he gets the same love attention and discipline…his mother respects my rules at my house…she also treats my kids the same…you gotta work together or it will never work out
I’ve been with my husband for 13yrs, married 11. He was married for 12yrs prior and had a 12yr old and 8yr old. I took care of them as much as he did or she did, we had custody of the oldest well since we’ve been together and the youngest moved with his mom when he was like 15. I’ve always treated them like my own and since my husband and I have 2 together. When people ask how many kids I have I say 4. Same punishments, same love, same spoiled…people bitch that step parents don’t treat step children the same but when you pop that butt the same they are shocked and how could you? Well I’ll tell you how, because the ones that came out of me would get the same punishment so people shouldn’t question your love for the kids then act like you’re a monster for not thinking there is a difference! It’s too much and it’s bull.
I would make it very, very, very, clear to her that you are there for her and let her come to you about anything regarding her mother and hers relationship. If you provide more than her mother than she needs your emotional support more than anything. My step son needed my emotional support and he’s with his mother more often then he’s with us. He is treated identical to how my own are treated. I may not be his real mom, but I will show him that I care about him just as much as I do my own kids even if that means I have to put him in a time out or have a talking with him. I simply ask him to help me sweep and pick up and he is always happy to help me out.
It took a couple years to build this relationship with him and it certainly hasn’t been easy but now he won’t leave without hugging me and he tells me he loves me all the time. She needs to respect you as she respects her father in the home you share. I would also recommend spending 1 on 1 time to build your foundation. Take her out for an ice cream cone, show your interest in her life and her feelings, and just simply love her how she deserves to be loved.
If dad is the only one to discipline then you will never get the respect you’re looking for. Be firm but gentle.
Lots of opinion on this. You want what is best for this child, despite not being her mom. But you are a parent, a role model, etc. and you can let her know that no matter what, you’re there for her for anything. Don’t step into shoes that aren’t yours, but wear yours comfortably.
If you’re with her father and planning on sticking around and the child is living in your home, you have a right to talk to her about chores and her emotions etc. It’s your home that you’ve built with him and you should feel happy and comfortable in it. And if you’re taking care of her as much as he is, you have a right to help guide and raise her. I would make sure you never bad mouth her mom though. Most importantly, talk to her dad and let him know how you feel and how you plan to go about it. He may be super supportive. You never know until you discuss it.
I treat my stepchildren as my own children. Since, they are now my children too. I dont think anything is off limits.
You can’t have shit both ways. And I’ve always wondered why some parents are so insecure that it’s a horrible thing for someone else to love their children like they would? That’s the problem. Everyone isn’t the same and I have friends who have had horrid step parents and I loathe those people but some biological parents are just as big a piece of garbage.
I am a bio, foster and adoptive mom and all the children in my home are my kids unless they reunify
If she lives u there is no drawing the line. Treat her as your own.
Say something whenever you feel necessary. You can’t be a part time parent. So you can’t be a part time step parent. I personally do not treat my step daughter any differently than our son. And it’s been like that since me and my boyfriend first moved in together.
Talk to her as you’d talk to anyone. (Age appropriate ofc). Comfort her. Tons of hugs & kisses. Let her know she can always talk to you or ask you anything. Ask if she has anything she wants to talk about to start convos. As far as chores, ask instead of demand. Ex: “Would you mind doing dishes after dinner tonight? I’d really appreciate it. Thanks hon”
Going to tell you that you should speak to her father about boundaries and what is off limits for you. Not the internet.
I think a lot depends on how long you been married to the child’s father? If you are a new step mom you need to take it slow to allow t adjustments to be made. You have to establish yourself with the child before you can enforce any rules. Until then you need to leave that up to the father. Eventually you can enforce household rules. You should not talk to her about her mother unless she comes to you wanting to talk about her mom. If she does that you should try to be impartial as you can and let her talk but avoid criticizing the mother yourself.
Your opinion about her relationship with her mother may be disregarded. Don’t feel any type of way though. Unless she wants to tell you about it, don’t ask and don’t comment. Talk about it with dad.
She live in your home from the minute she walked in that door you had the right
I have 2 step sons who live with us. I refuse to talk bad about their mom, even if they bring negative comments to the table. I will gladly talk to them about her, but only in a positive light. I try to remind them that she is doing the best she can and loves them very much.
As for being a part of the household, if she lives under your roof then she lives under your rules.
Your her mom to if anything more so than her own mom. Maybe you can build a better relationship with her than she has with her biological mother. She lives with you so yes you have say.
Your home=your rules
Children need structure. Give them chores & responsibilities. Makes sure dad is on the same page. Raise her as you would raise your own.
Speaking from experience. Now 44, was a child of a broken home at 13. Stepmom came into my life at 16. What I wouldn’t give to have her back. Lost seven years ago. She taught me more about being a mom then anyone. I didn’t appreciate her as a child but thankful every day for what I learned from her. My two kids have definitely gotten the better side of me because of the structure my stepmom provided nearly 30 years ago.
In our family the only difference is step parents don’t spank
Your the parent in your house and you make the rules. It is your job to guide the children around you.
I would suggest talking to your husband and making sure you are both on the same page about rules and routines and once that has happened you have every right to enforce the structure.
Treat her as your own, encourage her to have positive relationships with her parents. Be there for her emotionally like you would your own. Stand your ground on responsibilities(chores and such). On the major issues yield to biological parents such as visitation and child support if any…
I would do almost all those things as the need arises, but I would refrain very much from opining on her relationship with her mom. Handle all the business with her you need to under your roof but let your husband handle anything related to what happens under another roof unless she comes to you for advice.
It’s your home too and she needs to respect you
I think you have the right to do anything but bad mouth her mom and hit her.
YOU are the mother she needs. If her relationship with her biological mother is poor, it’s up to you to help her grow and thrive. Teach her right from wrong and guide her in life. If you have a good relationship with her it should be easy, if not you need to take baby steps. Let her know you love her and you will be there for her. The support from you and her dad will make a big difference, the fact that you work as a team parenting will hopefully help reassure her of where she belongs and doesn’t feel like she doesn’t belong.
Be youself as a loving and caring human being. Let the child know you care. Let this child know you are there as someone safe and non judgemental. It has to do with love.
No one asked the imperative questions that should’ve been asked stating their own personal opinion. Questions like: how long have you been in the child’s life, is the child receiving any type of counseling, the list goes on and on. You all want to rush and say parent like you would if it was your child. Step parent relationships need to be handled with fragility and if she follows this advice this child could have bigger problems that she already is because of a traumatic past. You have to go beyond one simple question and find out information about the past and current relationship.
I’m am a step mom the only rules here is I DNT put my hands on my son thats what dad is for but it is my home my rules end of story we have poster with our rules and one with behavior expectations. We dnt speak or bring up his mom in my home. Sit down with Dad and her once these rules have been written up and explain them nicely. Your home your rules. Let her know if she needs anything you are there for her believe me it works my son comes to me for everything single dam thing he trust me more than dad lols
I think this is a line that is different for everyone. But as a adult in the home there needs to be some authority. How much depends on variables we don’t know such as if she accepts you, her normal behavior, her age, blah blah blah. Talk to dad see where he draws the line then have a family meeting and have a age appropriate talk with kid. I’m not your mom, but I hope you can see me as a mom figure one day. Biggest thing is never talk bad about mom. Let her but be the positive person. I promise as a step kid that’s what I remember most about my step mom. Never once did she say a unkind word about or to my mom. She taught me alot about who I wanted to be.
As for chores and stuff, whatever you’d expect out of your own kids go. She lives in your home so you shouldn’t treat her any different than you would you own kids. As for talking about her mother, I wouldn’t say a word about her mother. If she wants to talk to you about her, be there for her and LISTEN. But only say things like “I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this” or “you can always talk to me.” And then keep it between you and her. Kids going through stuff like this need a safe place to talk, but never say anything negative about their mother. It will be hurtful to them and they could end up resenting you.
I’m not a step parent but coming from child who had a damaged relationship with a dad and then a step dad, it was more or less knowing boundaries. As long as he showed he cared and was polite to me etc I had no issues with him by any means but I definitely wouldnt have talked to him about my dad at all. He could ask me to do chores etc and just out of respect for him I usually did what he said. Did he an my mom get onto me If I did something wrong yes but he was mainly my moms support on whatever decision she made, and if he thought my mom was going overboard he would talk to her privately about it then they would both mention it to me together. Building your own relationship regardless of the other parent is very very important. I always pointed out imagine having someone you barely know suddenly having control over your life? And or it could come off as you trying to “replace” her mom.
The line is different for everyone it depends on the relationship between you and the child most important thing is that you and her father are on same page as far as she is concerned as for her relationship with her mother just be there for your step daughter sounds like she is going to need you
Read advice here but dont fully go with one. This needs to be something agreed on between you and ur husband. Because every family is different, and have different mind sets. Just make sure you and him are on the same page.
Step parents are sometimes the better parent. Start now.
Be her mom mum …
I’d treat them as my own. No different.
You’re her mom, also.
treat all children as your own is my motto .I’m from a home with (step ) brothers and sisters we are as one family .my son has taken on another son and me a grandson we are one big family .
If she lives with you and your husband, then you should the same say as your husband. Just let her know that you are not replacing her mom, but she must respect you as well. This I learned when I remarried. It works the same whether you are the wife or husband
Dont talk bad about her mom. Always comfort her on that but never say anything bad as thats bringing your opinion out in it.
As far as discipline. You have every single right. You feed that child bathe that child put that child to bed you best dicipline that child as well.
No dicipline leads to seriously wreckless teenagers.
Dicipline is not a bad thing. If you didnt do it that would only mean you dont love them. Cause i promise you when they grow up theyre gonna wish mom and dad did it so the correctionals wouldnt have to. She lives under your roof its your way from then on. If the mother cant agree with that thats her problem. An yes ill say that because A. Women like to feel superior to the “other woman”, especially the step mom topic.
An it can be hard but as long as she knows your a good person good mother and trusts herfather enough to know the woman hes with theres no more reason for her to have issue woth dicipline other than the bitter one up.
Chores. Ugh yeaa?? She lives there shes responsible for her toys keeoing her room clean. As far as what her age is depends on the chores.
These are learning milestones. Its not dicipline its a blueprint for her future. Idek why were having the chores conversation.
I remember doing dishes with my mom as a little girl. Its fun at first. Then its work.
I always skipped the back of the plates. Eventually she told me enough that it literally just stuck. I remember it so vividly and NOW as a woman. The dishes are done right. Just like mama said because i had chores i had learning responsibilities. Its not just going to school you will be the one to teach her so much. And these small chores only help them in the future. Its a routine that sticks for life.
Im sorry ik this is long. But wow i wouldnt even expect to have this conversation. Never give your full opinion a out her mother. Listen be a shoulder. Ect.
Dicipline. It will teach her respect. Boundaries. If you dont she will walk all over you and the mother will use that on you and she will tell her own daughter to.
Chores yes! Responsibility basic everyday life. Everyday habits this will only help kids when they get out on their own.
I wish you all the best. Dont be afraid just because your seen as “step” its your house its your rules and that child must see that in order to respect you and thrive in her future.
Get on same page with Dad first and foremost. If he doesn’t back your play, your efforts will be futile.
Well my daughters donor isnt involved. My boyfriend has been in her life for 3 years. Shes 5 1/2 years old. For us HE is the dad. He teaches her, mentors her, guides her, cares for her, feeds her, listens to her, gets her ready for school in the mornings and many other things. But he also disciples her when she gets in trouble and he tells her to do her chores like cleaning up her messes and her room.
So since the child lives with yall and you’re providing for the kid I think it’s ok to speak up on doing chores and talk to her about how she feels. But dont bad mouth her mom. Make sure you encourage her relationship with her mom and be there to support her.