Where do I set boundaries?

Where do I set boundaries when it comes to a divorced couple/family. My sister and her ex were together for 20 years. In that they baptized all 3 of my kids. They have been seperated for a few years but have been off and on , coexisting and hanging out with. Both families. Recently my sister brought a new guy around after a month of dating. My kids birthdays are back to back. March April and May. My sister has not told me, but she has told my parents that she no longer wants her ex around because she wants to be exclusive with this new person. The first bday this year I did something separate. It seemed to be ok. Then the second birthday again I did something separate. Her ex was upset and felt left out as he still wants to be apart of the kids life… now I’m in the process of planning the may bday and I’m already exhausted thinking about whether or not I should do separate celebration again or just one. Mind you, my sister did not come to the April bday. I know I am caring too much about their feelings. But I’d really like advice on how others have dealt with this.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Where do I set boundaries?

Doing separate parties is just too much… do for you and your children . They are grown and should be able to set aside their issues for the kids

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I kept relationships from my siblings and their exes. The divorce/separation has nothing to do with you and your children’s birthday. It is about the children and why would you want to cancel out someone in their life who loves them unconditionally. The new boyfriend can love your children just as much but he should be man enough to be okay with the ex being there too because he is the Godfather of the children and the history of friendship between you guys.

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You’ve said it yourself you’re already caring too much about their feelings. Do what you feel is best for you! They have a choice whether to turn up or not. X

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You’re not responsible for other peoples feelings. Do what’s best for your kids. The adults can manage their own emotions.

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If you like him and the kids love him invite him he is their uncle and its not your sisters party.If she didnt even turn up to last party it would be her I banned tbh.

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Wherever you feel uncomfortable

I personally don’t think you should change a thing. It’s your children’s birthdays, they’ve been involved in the exs life for years. But I would be telling the sister that out of respect, the new bf shouldn’t come, especially if his only new on the scene

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I would tell my sister he is invited and to act accordingly. If he is considered part of the family, he should have the same right as she, to be invited to the party. She is in a new relationship… They don’t always tend to work out. Why push away someone who cares about your kids for someone else who may or may not be around in a year or two?

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She needs to grow up hes still the kids dad and she will still have to see him…will she not attend sporting events or school functions because he’s there…

My ex was invited to all of our daughters parties, :blush: and Christmas. After I got remarried he was still invited. I did it for my daughter. I never wanted her to have to choose between being with me or her dad on a special day. It wasn’t that he and I had a good relationship, it was just that we wanted her to k ow even though we weren’t married we were still able to come together for her. I get this isn’t your ex you’re talking about but my point is that I don’t think you should have to choose either. So have the party, invite whoever you want and if she isn’t mature enough to come and be polite, then she is the problem, Not you.

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The sister should grow up. It’s not about her. It’s about your children. I wouldn’t even invite her if she didn’t show last time!

Its about YOUR kids, not your sister, if she even really cared about your kids she would put her problems with her ex aside for your children, she clearly only cares about herself just throw the one party and if she starts drama tell her to leave because her ex is apart of your kids life

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If you like him, his a good person/father than invite him.

I would plan one birthday celebration for each child. Announce when it is. Whoever shows up shows up. The person who is uncomfortable can come another day with a card and gift. The child will probably enjoy having an extra gift to open on an “off” day. If the children ask why so-and-so didn’t come, say they couldn’t make it. It’s a long story for another day. Whatever and go on with the party. In the years to come they will get it.

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You’re confusing the kids by giving them all these unnecessary parties. One bday party per kid. If the adults don’t know how to adult, then they can stay home.

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If that is your kids God father and he still wants to be active in their lives I’d allow it. That is more important than a new boyfriend.

You shouldn’t allow your sister to put you in this position. Its not ylur problem. Invite whoever you want to. It’s their choice if they attend or not.

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It’s YOUR kids birthday, NOT hers, if she’s uncomfortable, the SHE can stay home, no need to ruin the relationship they have with the uncle because the aunt can’t grow up!!

If your sister can’t be an adult about it and let her not come it’s already hard enough planning one birthday party and then she wants you to plan to with three back to back with each other I would not

Everyone’s invited come or don’t come. don’t plan your life around others. He’s not your ex.

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Invite them both. This is for the kids. And let both of them know they are both invited. Then they can do some growing up and co exist and move forward. It’s healthy. Good luck

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have one party! it’s about the kids not the adults. she can decide how she does things at her own place!

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He was their uncle for 20 years she needs to get over herself

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Do one party and invite who you want. It’s not up to anybody else but you so stop letting other people tell you what to do

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Your sister needs to learn to coexist with her ex at group functions. It would be one thing if they weren’t together long but after 20 years, he is basically part of the family.

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If it’s something you’re hosting; you have full right to invite him. He’s family. You don’t just erase 20 years of history with a family. Invite him.

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Invite both. It’s for the kids.

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I can relate. I have chosen not to disregard my ex-in-law. She was and remains a sister to me, no matter what.

Your home, their Uncle, kids party. Invite him, everyone needs to grow up and learn how to get along, I’m sure they see each other in other places like the grocery store etc.

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Depends how close you are to your sister? If she wants to get away from him I would respect her wishes. I was that sister once upon a time and I wouldn’t have shown up if he was invited when I was trying to move on

They’re separated, that’s her life and her choice. People are married for 20/30 years and that doesn’t mean they have to go to family events together after they separate because sometimes it’s get awkward. I think you should respect your sisters wishes and if the uncle wants to do something with the kids let him take them and do something special.

I wouldn’t invite either just do a kid party. Throwing two parties and stressing over someone else’s relationship is not good for your health.

Nope, I would not. I am a whole hearted believer that the party is about the kids, if you can’t be an adult n leave your issues at the door for the kids, then you shouldn’t be there.

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Just because she is no longer interested in him, does not make him any less family to you or your children…

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Have one party. The grownups need to figure it out.

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He was their uncle for 20 years and was in their life for a lengthy time and if he still comes around and is around then invite him. I understand if she is dating someone new and wants him to be around but they are all going to have to act like adults and get along and get over the weirdness that it might cause. Her ex is apart of the family if she wants him to be or not.

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To your kids his will always be an Uncle don’t change what you do. She can change things when it’s her party.

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The day is about the kids not about your sister or her new bf. She’s going to have to learn to grow up a little. Kids get confused and her even bringing her new bf around after a month of dating is confusing to them. Your kids should be able to have their day with no fussing about who is at their party. Invite them both and if she doesnt like it she can leave or just not come.

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She needs to be an adult and leave her ex be. there’s nothing wrong with him coming to family events. If she chooses to have a new guy around that’s fine but she can’t just remove the fully involved ex from the family

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One birthday, invite who the kid wants to invite. How they handle that is on them.

if hes kids dad he has a right to be there she should just put up with it

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He is still family, you divorce a spouse not a family… I understand you can never make everyone happy but he is their uncle and excluding him will hurt them… she needs to understand its not all about her

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Is he a good uncle? Do the kids love him? Is there ANY reason why he wouldn’t be invited to family gatherings aside from your sister suddenly saying she doesn’t want him there? Your sister said she wants to exclusively date this new guy, which is great, but that doesn’t change the fact her ex is part of your kids family. If this new guy has a problem being around her ex then he’s not the right guy, and that’s not your problem

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It’s about the child and what makes them happy and comfortable.

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Invite everyone and let them sort their stuff out.

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She made him your kids uncle, she can’t just decide he’s not now. Doesn’t work that way. My ex will always be my nieces and nephews uncle. I’m ok with that. They love him and he loves them. That’s what makes family.

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My rule is the party is to celebrate my children I’m inviting EVERYONE who loves them. If the adults can’t be adults for what 3 hours max?!? I don’t want them there…

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Invite them both and let them figure it out.

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Invite both. She needs to grow up.

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It’s your party and your kids. It has nothing to do with her relationship. If she can’t be around the guy without flirting/jumping into bed while in a relationship and actually has to “try” to be exclusive with the new guy she probably shouldn’t be with a new guy. If she liked him enough she wouldn’t need to try to not see other guys. Or avoid ex’s.

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Only person feeling you should care about are the kid’s. WhT do they want, need etc. Grown people can grow up and just ignore each other

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If he is good to your kids then it is selfish of your sister to ask you to cut him out of their lives. Do their parties and SHE can adjust to whatever you decide.

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Do one and let them figure it out.

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Invite both if adults can’t put things aside for the kids, then maybe they just shouldn’t come.

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Do just one bday n tell her to grow in your still her exs friend

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20 years trumps 1 month… At 1 month most people ain’t even bringing the person that they’re seeing to every family gathering… Do you, he’s part of your family and has been for decades, who knows how many new boyfriends she’s going to have.

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Let them work out their own shit. You do you

My ex 2nd wife wanted my DIL to have a separate baby shower she told her no it’s been years since you been married either you come or you don’t. She came of course thier no longer married. He’s married to his third wife we all come together for family functions for kids and grandkids and all get along with each others spouses and each other. Actually friends with his now wife and his ex.

Yr sister needs to grow up. It’s not about her and if her ex has been around yr kids a lot and they enjoy it I would be telling yr sister to come and be nice or stay away. Sure she can live with out her new man for few hours🤣

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You let them both know that they are both invited and let them choose if they come or not . It’s not about them .

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Have one party invite them all who comes does and those who don’t don’t matter

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Tell your sister she doesn’t dictate who you invite to your kids’ birthday parties. Leave the new guy at home. A month is too soon to be bringing him by anyway.:roll_eyes:

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Invite everyone and tell them either come and coexist for your child or stay out of their lives completely

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If your child wants the ex there then you have one party! The party isn’t for your sister it’s for the child if she can’t get over that and accept it then maybe she don’t need to be there, that man was in your child’s life along time

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It’s not about accommodating the adults. It’s not their birthday. It’s a child’s birthday. If they can’t suck it up for a few hours and be at the same party then don’t go to the party.

I think it’s selfish of you’re sister to wanna cut him out , I dunno if he has kids with you’re sister or not but if he’s been activately involved in you’re children’s up bringing he should be there

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The celebration is about your kids not the adults - if they can’t suck it up and be mature for a short period of time for the kids they love then it’s on them to find time to see them separately- not you !!

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I’m not understanding what your kids being baptized has to do with this but your sister’s ex was part of the family for 20 yrs but why did they divorce? I was married for 18 yrs and have NOTHING to do with my ex or his family and we share a kid but I have full custody. Mine was very abusive. So that does matter. Do they share kids?

How is she going to tell you who to have at a party but doesn’t even show up to the last one?

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I’d have 1 party and invite who you want. Just because they divorced dosen’t mean you have to cut out someone whose always been part of your kid’s lives. They can be grown ups for a day and deal with it.

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They have been together for so many years. That is your kids’ uncle. Whether if your sister is with him or not. Sounds like your sister is being childish and inconsiderate. That man has been there far longer than the new one. You guys are family still.

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Your children. Why is she dictating anyway? Your partys not hers.

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She cut the ex out of her life do not cut him
Out of your children’s

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Invite whoever your child wants to have at their birthday celebration. You can’t make everyone happy, but you can give your child the birthday celebration they desire. Anyone who has a problem with it can stay away. Their problem should not be your problem.

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Invite both of them to the one celebration, (advising them their ex is also invited). Let them decide if they want to attend!

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Invite everyone why exclude him! These are your kids you if your sister don’t want to then that’s on her

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Not your relationship not your kids relationship. They are adults and should be able to be civil for the children

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Do just 1. They should all act like adults and if they cant then thats on them

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Your home…u invite who u want. Her x was in your life for 20 years…she needs to learn that he is part of this family with or without her.
We don’t choose sides when couples split. We expect them to act like adults when at the same event or they can stay home.

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You do what you want and let them be adults and handle their situation.
I would add, if they can’t be civil towards one another in the presence of your children they will be asked to leave.
:woman_shrugging:

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Invite whoever you want. Your kids, your decision.

Yep you are caring too much about their feelings first off just because they are now divorced doesn’t mean he’s not their uncle or godfather if he still wants to be in their lives that is awesome because some people leave I don’t want anything to do with the family your sister needs to put on her big girl panties and say he is their godfather and is going to be in their lives no matter what she brought him in your life by marrying him and now the divorce doesn’t mean that he’s deleted out of the family so tell your sister that’s awesome she’s got someone you will put your big girl panties on because he will be at the party you doing separate celebrations is ridiculous

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It’s YOUR kids do what YOU want

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Do the party. Invite everyone. Adults can be adults for a few hours so the child can have everyone they love in one place. If the adults can’t deal they can’t come. Simple.

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Invite them both. They are grown adults and need to act like it.

Invite whomever you want…not her kids, or her party, he is their uncle…
INVITE HIM!!!

Personally id do what suited me best. They’re adults…if they cant be civil in the same room they need to grow up

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I always ask my kids who they want there & what they wanna do as it’s their day. But if your friends with her Ex then I don’t see the problem. Kids probably see him as family right? So she needs to understand that. If she don’t and wants to act like a high school child then she don’t gotta be there.

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Okay so look not exactly the same situation but I cut my mother and my older sister out of my life in 2014. We still go to my brother’s kids events. We are basically adults about it and ignore the fact the others exist. If we do have to speak we are cordial and move on. Have your kids celebrations. It isn’t about the guests its about the kid.

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Do the kids want him there?? Your sister can get over herself if the kids want him there!!! Just make sure that your sister knows that he will be there and if she can’t act like an adult for a few hours she doesn’t have to go!!!

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thats their uncle -
not her husband anymore, so what…
she can grow up in my opinion…
invite him to everything, even if she cries about it.
dont ruin the childrens relationship just bc she is immature about things.
bringing a guy around the kids after a month of datinf is kinda gross too.

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Invite everyone. There’s no reason she can’t be exclusive with her new man even if an ex is present. Be a damn adult.

Invite everyone to one. Your sister can get over it and act like an adult or not come. It’s not your job to make sure she’s happy with everything. He should be included in everything just like she is, it’s wrong to not include him just because she can’t act like an adult.

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Tell ur sister to fudge off it isn’t her choice…she can act right or not come…id rather the ex seems like your sister was and will always be the problem

That’s their uncle and godfather. Your kids need him in their life. Your sister and godmother should understand there is a sacred tie there that should not be broken because she got a new boyfriend. When she signed up for this, she promised to be a godmother for life, she does not get to divorce this too.

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I would invite whoever I wanted and if they can’t be civil adults then that is on them.