Why am I holding on to him?

This is going to be long. So I am married but been separated for almost 6 yrs and going through a divorce for 3. I have been with my current boyfriend off and on for the last 4 years. When we first started dating he seemed like this amazing father had a good job and was stable. He lived with his parents because he had split from his ex. We only dated for 2 months and he just ghosted me and went back to his ex because she wouldn’t let him see their son if he was with someone else. Then I started dating someone who I got along with great and our children got along great as well. But he ended also trying to work things out with his ex. So then a couple months later the first guy I was with reached out and we dated again for about 8 months before he met my children then a couple months later he moved in with us. I have had to deal with a ton of drama from his ex, his own son and him talking to multiple woman behind my back. His son a couple yrs in did some very inappropriate things in front of one of my children and caused a lot of stuff in my divorce so I broke it off with him as soon as my child told me. His son is VERY disrespectful to everyone, a bully and other things. His son needs help he needs counseling bad but he doesn’t do anything! 4 months later he was begging for me back and understood his son could not be around well then we ended up getting back together and pregnant and 4 months into my pregnancy it was horrible so I kicked him out again he put me through so much bs and stress during my pregnancy ignoring me for hours or days, talking to other women again and they didn’t even know he had a baby on the way the delivery was absolutely horrible with him there , so when our son was 2 weeks old I told him there was no working this out and made him leave.

Well then the 2nd guy I dated the good one his daughter wanted to meet my baby so they came over and a few weeks later we ended up back together and everything was amazing and he helped out so much and treat my baby and all my other kids (I have 5 total) as his own. We did everything as a team we never argued we always talked about things did family stuff. It was perfect everything I have ever wanted in a relationship.Well me being dumb let the other guy (baby daddy) get in my head about us working out cuz of our baby and I took him back. He hasn’t talked to other woman that I know of but had lied to me about drugs and being on his way home from a bar but stayed for 6 hours doesn’t help out much hasn’t seen his other son in 7 months now and I have NO clue why I still love this man and why I can’t let go when I have the perfect man waiting and wanting me and my children back. Why can’t I let the one that has done me so wrong go? And him knowing I do not want to be around his son and his son can not be around my children because he is a bully and did some very bad things around my children he still wants to be here??? I could never be with someone that had a grudge on my child and didn’t want them around. I just don’t see this working out in the long run. He says children aren’t around forever well yeah they are. I know I sound dumb for even having a little love for him but I just do not understand why I do. I want to leave him for good this time because of everything but I don’t know why it’s so hard to. And I know to everyone it’s going to be cut and dry just leave. What the hell am I holding on to with him?? I know if I’m with him my baby won’t be around his son. But also if I leave him he may not see the baby much at all like the first 4 months of his life just like what he’s doing to his other son now.

I went through a period in my younger years similar to this. I was afraid to be alone. I wanted my kids to have a traditional family, the whole white picket fence thing. I felt guilty, like I was a bad person, or doing something wrong to make the situation what it was. I finally had a “light bulb” moment when I realized that I, and I alone was the problem. I was allowing toxicity into my life, and teaching my children by example how life and relationships look. When I REALLY analyzed what that actually meant it was gut wrenching. Do you want your children to walk this same path? Have this type of relationship when they’re grown? Blame you for how they navigate their own lives and relationships? I didn’t! I booted everyone out of my life, took a time out, I needed to clear the slate with my kids and get them to trust me again, and heal from all of my bad choices that impacted them negatively. I made the decision that if I was going to have bad relationships then it would have to wait until they were grown and out of the house and couldn’t be affected my it. I did the single parent thing and we rebuilt our life. It’s been the best decision I’ve ever made, putting them first. They are grown now and in healthy relationships and NOTHING like I was.
You’ve got to put some work in here and figure out what is really holding you hostage in these relationships. You’ve got to own your own toxic behaviors. Until you take a hard look in the mirror and take HARD accounting of what’s behind your choices your never going to get off the roller coaster. You deserve better than what your getting, your worthy of being loved genuinely, and your allowed to be happy. But you’re going to have to work on you to get it!!! Good luck momma!!!