this is weird and its more of a vent then a question but anyway, everytime my daughter (3 years old) does something wrong she gets sad and immediately says “i love you” almost like she thinks i wont love her when she does stuff wrong?? why does my 3 year old already feel like she has to earn my love?? it is breaking my heart. i keep telling her “mommy loves you no matter what. nothing would make me stop loving you.” but she still says it everytime an i overthinking it? idk i used to thini parenting was all about keeping them fed and happy but im realizing how every little thing we do and say affects who they are and what the become and it is giving me so much anxiety every day. i just want to raise them to be good happy people and i feel like its so easy to mess that up. sorry if this makes no sense im just a mess lately!
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Why does my toddler feel like I don't love her when she gets in trouble?
She is learning manipulation at a young age! Don’t let her do that!
Sounds like manipulation to me…
That is natural at that age but she know you love her
She knows it works… She is gonna keep on if you let her…
My son is the same way although he has been diagnosed with autism, ADHD and depression and anxiety. I wish you luck!! Hope everything works out
My 2 yr old (almost 3) does this too. Or if she sees me getting aggravated she wants a kiss but any other time I ask for a kiss she covers her mouth. & it’s manipulation. She does things on purpose then when I get mad she says I love you & wants a kiss.
She is trying to avoid your discipline
Natural instinct at that age
Omg, A three yr old doesnt have the development to think they need to earn someone’s love
All she knows is how good it makes her feel when shes told shes loved so shes doing what she thinks will make “you feel better”
Besides how much trouble can a three yr old really be getting in LOL that age is all about redirecting
My almost 6 year old does the same thing…
It is a long journey being a parent
Rejection sensitivity dysphoria
Welcome to parenthood wait til she’s a teenager it gets worse
Amanda Mcabee my daughter did the same thing. She saw that it works on you and she’ll keep doing it. These are the years They are testing boundaries and seeing what they can get away with. (Innocently? Yes. But also human nature)
My oldest daughter always did that. “I’ll be a good girl. Good girl, mommy!” Yeah. Don’t fall for it. They have to learn boundaries and that you can’t be manipulated.
It’s called manipulation. Children learn at a very young age.
There is a good book called “The Invisible String” that can be good for showing her you always love her even if your upset, or if she is supset with you. Am currently reading it to my 4 yr old who is dealing with seperation issues
Kids know how to manipulate a situation and test their boundaries very young.
She knows that’s how to deflect from the situation cos you fold when she says it that’s why lol she’s just testing you and figuring out how to solve problems - she’s a threenager they’re more clever than we think
Don’t say things like “you’re bold” say “I don’t like that behaviour” instead so it’s not so personal and focused on the behaviour not the child herself so she learns the difference
Mine does this and she’s the same age. They just aren’t used to us being firm￼
The hardest job is being a mom. Don’t over think everything.
It’s manipulation…and shows you,your child is clever xxx
My son used to do that, they understand it will get them out of trouble if they’re sweet. It got to a point where I had to put my foot down and tell him “you are in trouble because you did ______, now you have to think about what you did. This doesnt mean I dont love you, but you are still in time out.”
One of my friends kids did this when he was 4. and we realized that when he told mom they loved them they started another conversation and he got out of trouble starting another conversation.
She is using the “I love you” as a distraction so she doesn’t get in trouble, bc when our 3 y/o looks up at us and says, but I love you mommy, we tend to melt and they catch on easy.
My 4 and 6 year olds do the same thing.
Thats what you call manipulation .
Sounds like she’s learning to manipulate you into not disciplining her
Mine does the same. Same age. She told me the other day I love you but not all the time because I yell at her. I said you always love mommy but you don’t have to always like me.
Whenever shes doing wrong its immediately…I love you momma.
It’s the way they get out of punishment. They think if they say you don’t love them you won’t punish them.
Lol Kids are smart. They know when they’re loved and they know how to play their parents.
She’s manipulating you so that you feel guilty when you call her out for doing the wrong thing. Don’t let her
My son tries to manipulate the situation as well. Ill tell him “just know I do love you too but what you did was not appropriate and there are consequences to the situation. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
A toddler should never be in trouble a toddler just needs redirection and guidance. Are you yelling at them are you isolating them are you spanking them if so stop all three of those things now learn how to redirect and have a comfort. You cannot treat toddlers like adults with bad intentions
Kids pick up on how they can get their way or avoid being in trouble very young. My little girl just turned 4 on March 1st and when she doesn’t get her way she always says, “I won’t be your bestfriend anymore.” Or if she gets in trouble she says that or “everybody just hates me.” I tell her that she will always be Mommy’s bestfriend and that I will always love her, but that we have to follow the rules, even Mommy and Daddy. I also let her know that it hurts my feelings when she says mean things when she’s in trouble, and that I don’t like for her to be in trouble but I want her to grow up to be the very best person she can be.
My daughter is 6 and she still does the same thing and my response is always and I love you too but you’re still in trouble
Mines 5, everytime I get mad at him he always ask if I still love him:expressionless:🤦. I always say of course n will always do but this,me getting mad, has nothing to do with me stop loving him . I know the feeling but also agree it’s them trying to control lol
I always tell my son I love him when he goes to timeout, to confirm he is still loved even when he does wrong. He’s just turning 2 1/2 and is starting to do this, using it to try to “escape” punishment. Don’t let it get to you. The big thing is to emphasize that doing wrong, doesn’t mean you don’t love her. But love doesn’t mean she will always feel happy with what you do. It’s a boundaries thing and a good sign of her comprehension of emotions
It’s game mommy it’s game
We just handle things like “I love you, but this attitude is not appropriate right now. Do you need help fixing the problem?”
Got 4 kids, 10 years and younger, and it works like a charm.
Yeah we can go on and on about manipulation- which I want to point out is something every living person does to get the outcome they want- but really the focus needs to be on using different phrasing and showing our children the behaviors and action we want in our lives and households.
She’s guilt tripping you. My 3 Year old son will look at me and say "I sowwy’ just to get outta trouble because he knows it’s cute.
My 5 yr old says you don’t love me because he doesn’t want a time out when he does something. I’ve realized this because I used to feel the same way as you.
You can reply with “I love you. I don’t like the thing you did.”
Also she probably already has you figured out… if you start parenting out of guilt now wait til you hit the teen years!
I guarantee she knows she’s loved. We all like reassurances. Take a deep breath Momma. You’re doing good.
“I’m sowwy Mommy,” “I wuv you sooo much,” and when I had to reprimand or correct her, “You don’t love me anymore…”-
It’s the age. It’s toddler negotiation. I always explained to her that as much as I loved her, when she did something she shouldn’t, there would be consequences.
The old verbiage, “this hurts me more than it hurts you,”- - I thought my mother was lying about it.
Turns out… it really DOES hurt me more.
Explain the importance of being honest.
I promise you it’s a phase.
My baby is 33 now. She’s also my very best friend.
We now laugh about those days.
I’m a threes teacher, she’s doing this to get out of the trouble she is in. She’s knows it illicit this response. Explain why she cannot do whatever she was doing and redirect her and finish with an I love you or a hug. It’s you and her trying to correct the behavior not you punishing her. Always remember that.
“I love you too, this behavior is unsafe. Let’s do this instead”
Wait till they start saying “you hateee mee” when they get in trouble that’s even worse. I just say “just because you got in trouble doesn’t mean I don’t love you and you know that. You got in trouble because you did something you knew was wrong not because I don’t love you.”
Lose the guilt or you’re going to be one of those manipulated moms. “ mommy loves you too but you’re still in trouble”￼
Your toddler is perfectly normal…mine used to that…one day I said keep doing what your doing I will love you forever…they got bored of it very soon…turns out they just wanted more attention…not easy I know but it won’t last forever…good luck to you and yours 🏴
Don’t worry, it’s a phase, soon you will be the worst mom ever one day, Bc you want to leave the park, after being there for hours, to go to freaking McDonald’s for lunch, then have a popcorn/movie/game night. The next you will be the best mom ever because you gave her a sticker, she didn’t ask for, but you gave it to her, knowing she’d like it.
My daughter is 6, and she is one big ball of emotional energy. She’s learning how to feel shit, and I’m here for it. Even though it hurts sometimes. She knows in the end, she can trust me to always love her.
And your kiddo is, and will be the same. She will know she can always trust you to love her.
Girl… I swear if I show my BF this he will 100% think I write this post. I’m going threw EXACT same thing… 3 year old daughter. I tell her . I love you too baby. I’m sorry you are upset but I will not have you acting like this. I know how good of a gurl you can be. She looks me dead in the eye when trying to push my buttons… then runs away and giggles evily… literally saying … “ahhh oh nooo, run away”…giggling… I’m lost with it. Hoping she’ll grow out of it and I’ll still be on the earth to see it. Until then, I’ll just do my best.
My daughter does the same thing and it breaks my heart or she’ll say are you happy mama. I keep saying the same that i will always love her no matter what but it still hita hard at the end of the day
My toddler says “everybody hates me” when she gets in trouble “I always say no one hates you I love you but you need to do your time in time out for reason a,b,or c whatever they did
Uh she’s a manipulative three year old. It’s normal. What’s not normal is how you as an adult, her adult, aren’t aware of this.
Do not mix comfort into punishments thats confusing.
Some of yall need to learn the development of a child’s brain. Smh.
Kids are smart, even at 3. She wants out of trouble. You’ll have to say, “I love you too, but you shouldn’t have done that. “ or “We don’t do that here.” You can always say you love her too, but you don’t like what she did. Then if she won’t redirect to something else, maybe a couple of minutes in the time out chair. It gets more interesting later on. “You won’t let me do ANYTHING!” And tears. Kids are a trip. I raised two. On top of keeping their heads out of the oven and keeping them from playing in traffic, I had to break up fights between them because, I swear, they hated each other! But they did manage to grow up all right. They’ve got genius level IQs, they are loving and my best friends in this world. You’ll get through it!
Tell her if you didn’t love her you wouldn’t correct her. The way I explain it to my kids is this: if I whacked bad behavior you would go theo fb life thinking you can do whatever you want without consequences. I’d rather you have little consequences now than big consequences later. Enablement creates entitlement. Entitled people are not the kind of people you want to grow up to be.
She may be thinking if she says it u won’t be hard on her
Tell her you will always love her but you don’t love what she did.
It might be a coping mechanism. Love makes her feel good so when she feels bad she tries to feel love. I get that so much if that’s it. I too blurt out “I love you” when I’m feeling really bad. Just keep speaking love into her and let her know everyone messes up and gets in trouble. Let her know her mistakes do not define her. Also make sure you check in with yourself and your parenting methods. We all have room to improve, so just check in with yourself every so often and see if there’s anything you want to add or take away. Reflect on who she is and what works for her. You care so much and it really shows. I highly doubt she’s feeling unloved, in fact sounds like she’s so incredibly loved that that’s all she wants to feel when she’s sad. That’s beautiful tbh.
I know that must break your heart… There’s a book my mom used to read to me and now I read it to my daughter - it’s called “Momma, Do You Love Me?” it’s an Eskimo mother and daughter and it basically shows that no matter what the little girl does or becomes, even if it makes the mother sad, scared, or angry, she will always love her.
I highly recommend it!
My kids are grown now , they did the same and now their kid does the same to them smdh They just simply don’t mean it and have limited resources as to someone or someone else to blame when things dont go their way . . And besides they know Mommy and daddy will always love them and forgive them
That’s her way of manipulating you. Every child does it. Be stern stand your ground. Just say well I love you too but you still are in trouble
Lol cause she wants to get out of trouble. Just wait till she’s a teenager on the joy of being a parent to a teenager lol
It is called, emotional manipulation.
I wish I could tell you it gets easier, my 9 and 12 year old tell me they hate me when they’re in trouble, be glad you’re still getting an “I love you”.
But honestly, every parent and child are different. The fact that you care enough to ask for advice let’s me know you’ll do just fine mama. Hang in there!
Our children are like sponge’s they absorb everything encouragement and discouragement equally. When we disapprove they feel that. Whatever your discipline approach be consistent and always explain what was wrong and you still love them. That’s the best you can do. My second daughter learned too fast to put on a sad face to get out of trouble it didn’t work…
I feel this on a certain level. Except its my 3 year old son, who when I tell him NO to something he says, in the most pitiful voice “you dont love me?” He asks me if I do. At 3. He knows I will say yes I love you but the answer is still No. He still tries though. I know he is just trying to get his way, but sometimes the way he says it breaks my heart. Its ok momma. You will experience all kinds of emotions from your children. Be strong for you and them and they will be strong for themselves.
Her way of saying she’s sorry
She is saying that to guilt you into not punishing her
The biggest fear of children is the loss of parental love. Even adult children. Show them how you love them. To guide them sometimes we have to discipline unacceptable behavior. That is a loving thing to do. Discipline doesn’t mean you don’t love your children. It is a way to let them know you care enough to let them know civility.
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It’s probably a manipulation trick. Kids are very good at finding them and using them to get their way or to get out of trouble. Of course reassure her you love her unconditionally, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is in trouble and must face the consequences of her actions. My daughter tried this around when she turned 3, too. As long as you are consistent, it will go away just like any other phase.
I think it’s just their way of saying sorry…my 14 yr old still does this. He got in trouble at school not too long ago, he came in…hey your principal called me today, wanna talk about that. Mom, I love you so much, and you look really nice today. Yeah I love you too, now bring me your phone
I love you however it is not okay to do this… Talk to her don’t yell … it is a stage . Also ensure you reward good behaviour… tell your child that you love her, show her in your behaviour and reassure that you love her just not the behaviour that isn’t ok and so you don’t love that… it’s very normal… don’t stress it… be consistent. If it’s ok yesterday it has to be ok tomorrow…
It may be how she is expressing her feelings of"sorry". is she an only child? Does she have many opportunities to use the words “I’m sorry” when something is done wrong she may not know how to say she regrets making you feel upset
My 4 year old ask me for a hug when he does something wrong:rofl:. Its his way of finding out if he can get away with naughty things just by saying the lovey gushy words or expressions. Once they know that you love them but still tells them it is wrong this changes fast hahahahah . I love them at this age of exploring.
Yes , you make not sence , she is just trying to manipulate you to get away whatever she has done , that is what they do to not be discipline/ punished for bad actions/ behavior.
It’s important to let them know that you do Love them but to also teach them that actions good or bad have consequences
My daughter is 8 now, and went through this phase. She still occasionally does from time to time, when she gets into trouble. At 3-4 years old, she didn’t understand when I would explain it to her. Now that she’s a little older, it happens less and less often, but when it does, I sit her down and explain that I’m always going to love her, and then I explain what she did wrong/why she got in trouble and we talk about how she can change her actions/thoughts/behavior in the future. It usually ends with hugs, kisses and cuddles.
There is NO such thing as a perfect parent. I’d there was, there wouldn’t be so many asshole children, picking fights, bullying, etc. As mothers, we learn as our children learn. We set the best example we can, and each time something goes wrong, evaluate the situation together.
I used to get so mad when my kids wouldn’t do as they’re told, got into trouble at school, had an attitude… but then I realized, they’re people. Just tiny little versions of us, who are allowed to be upset or have a bad day. We’re adults. We grasp the concepts of right/wrong, kindness/hatred, happiness/sadness. These little people don’t. We have to teach them.
This is normal for that age , I had to explain to each one of mine that even if mummy is telling them off , I will always love them .
Only problem is once mine realised this they thought they could be naughty loads because mummy will always love them
The amount of comments saying she’s manipulating you is disgusting. She’s 3, shes just doing what CHILDREN do. It’s more likely she’s upset that you’re upset with her so is apologizing the only way she knows how.
Has someone been abusing her?
My daughter says that too sometimes when she’s in trouble. I tell her “I love you too Honey, I really need you to listen more” or whatever she’s in trouble for.
i think she thinks it will keep her from gettin punished
I get paid over $ 125 per hour w0rking from home. I never thought l’d be able to do it but my colleague makes over $ 22138 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is limitless.
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Tell her you love her too but not her behavior. God Bless.
Mine does this same thing. I typically will start whatever response with “I love you too, however your behavior/action etc is unacceptable” or something along that line.with my daughter is her way of trying to change the subject.
Smart kid, but watch for problems.
tell her you love her first then tell her you don’t like what she does
Oh it’s just a kid thing , I’d tell my mom I wanted my real mom when she’d get mad or discipline me I knew she loved me more than the world and I didn’t like her being upset with me and so in my mind she wasn’t being herself lol therefore I wanted the nice mommy back:woman_facepalming:t3:
You need to use your words carefully and make sure to criticize the behavior, reprimand the action and not the child. Perhaps your tone is harsh if in the moment you aren’t calm and intentional or deliberate with your discipline. With her being young it’s hard to have deeper conversations and subsequent consequences. So try and keep it simple with her. Count to ten and take a break before you discipline her so it comes across as instruction and refocusing rather than diss appointment or judgement.
I find the best way is to help the child make a better choice, encourage her to do better and then praise her for that.
Lol they learn that reverse psychology early in life she’s doing that to try to get out of trouble and she’ll keep doing it until she sees it doesn’t actually work unless you cave and don’t punish her
Aw yes the toddler manipulation. My 3 year old does it… I allow it too I’ll take any loves I can get and he usually chills out afterwards anyway
My 3yo tells me he doesn’t like me when he gets in trouble lol. I’d take some love over him trying to hurt my feelings lol… I just tell him “that’s okay, you don’t have to like me right now. I didn’t like that you were doing X and that’s why you got into trouble”
She’s just letting you know she is sorry.
It’s just a guilt trip most likely
If I’m upset with my daughter because she did something wrong she would say I’m sad lol knowing I’m upset with her … I will always love my daughter and she knows I love her
Tell her you love her all the time and she will know you love her!! Reassure her as much as possible. That’s so sad!! I can’t even imagine if my 3 year old did that when I got onto her. I tell her all day everyday most days that I love her. Just out of the blue
It’s her way of defending what she has done wrong and hoping that you will change your mind on discipline if she says that to you - kids are very smart little people and she is at that sweet age of pushing buttons to see what works and doesn’t - you are doing fine sweet mom don’t fret over this she is exploring her words and playing with them to see your reactions to it and she definitely knows that you love her with all her heart believe me.