If he is saying he is going to hurt himself, he is looking for attention. Professionals will tell you, if someone is suicidal they will not tell anyone they just do it… If he wanted to be with you he would change things. Take care of you and your child and let him see you are serious and he may come around.
It gets better but he has to realize it’s time to get up and make shit happen for himself. I’m a single momma with a now 13 year old, it was messy when I left his dad 10 years ago…. My biggest advice, find alternative daycare options. I know it’s expensive, stressful and extremely difficult to find affordable/reliable help but you CAN NOT hold on to your independence without it. You need to find a 2nd, 3rd and fourth backup plan always, because without your income you are homeless. It gets easier with age, daycare gets cheaper, people are more willing to help with older kids, etc.
Since he says you didn’t “sit him down”…is he now willing then to move as a family?? He definitely knows now you are serious. And if he is willing …is that still what you would even want??
To answer your question tho…yes it will get better, it always does. But you will have to be determined in your “struggle”. Meaning if you know you are done with this part of your life and ready to move on…you cannot let his words and manipulation (bc that’s what it is) make you go back and forth. If you want to stay gone, keep making those moves. You don’t have to be mean to him for sure, but you definitely don’t have to let his words keep you torn up about your decision. In the years you did give him I am sure he KNEW you wanted your own space for your family and he wasn’t willing to give it. It isn’t like you asked for a pair of shoes…you asked for a home and a family, that matters. And it should have mattered to him if ONLY BC it mattered to you.
I completely agree with the previous comments. You need to take care of you first! His actions so far have proved his value of you. You absolutely did the right thing.
Stay away from him. He’s trying to continue to manipulate you.
It absolutely will get better. It may never be great or easy but it will be better. As far as your step daughter is concerned…never stop making an effort to see her and let her know you love her.
Him trying to hurt himself is just a manipulation thing. My sons father tried it with me and I almost fell for it but backed off and eventually met someone else. Time heals everything he will be fine and get over it. Maybe it will teach him a lesson to get up out of his dad’s house. It’s funny cuz im actually in almost the same predicament now. Me and my boyfriend stay with his brother. I have been begging for us to get our own place for about a year now. What I do is everytime me and my boyfriend get in an argument I pack a bag of stuff we don’t use daily or need out like little knick knacks. He’s starting to notice and finally realizing I’m really serious about our own place and slowly but surely starting to talk about getting our own place with me now
Stay away . You’re only job up now keep Yourself Yourself and children safe…
At some point, its time to grow up and it seems to me that he wasn’t ready to do that but instead wanted to live under the roof of his father’s house where basically y’all were subjected to 4 walls all day. When you said you were leaving, the smartest thing he could have done was pack his stuff and leave with you and he didn’t. Sometimes, people get too comfortable in their situations that anything outside of that frightens them. I had to make the same decision a long time ago and now my daughter is 11 and we both are ok. It gets better over time, I guarantee it.
Ok. I know there are always 2 sides to every story and we don’t know what his is. But just going off of your side, I’d say he does care about you. Just doesn’t want to leave the nest and become totally responsible for taking care of you and those kids. Maybe a little scared or insecure about failure. I do think that communication is always key. He’s ok where he is. You have a safe place to stay. So there’s no immediate need for a decision. And a lease is not forever. There is a chance that y’all can work this out. Maybe get some counselling during your time apart. If thats too expensive, try a church. They usually do it for free. The lease is probably a good thing because it gives you a definite time frame to work with. You each have your own space and time to decide where y’all go from there. Maybe when the lease is up you can get a place together somewhere. And you can still spend time together for the time being. You won’t be on different planets. And if you decide that it’s not worth working it out, at least it won’t be a sudden shock. You will both have had time to adjust to living apart. And so will the kids. Good luck.
Do you love this man for the person that he is,
Or do you love him for the man that he can be when he is keeping himself in check?
Move to the apartment with your sister. Suggest he get mental help. Arrange for someone else to watch your child. After 5 years he’s not going to change. If you want to try to work things out with him. Y’all can start going on little dates. Do not move back in with him at his dad’s. That’s not fair to you or your child. Don’t ever settle. Y’all deserve to be able to celebrate holidays, and decorate.
Don’t let him emotionally guilt you by saying he’s going to hurt himself that’s not on you…you’ve done what’s right for you and your child and it will get better
Do not let him guilt trip you .He seem to be hiding from responsibility. Why else after this time would he expect you three to be there at your uncle.It is not your home, you cannot live as a true family,there is no liberty.
Stay where you are. He had time enough to man up . Let him have visitation but do not regress.
my ex fiance used to threatened me that he will kill himself everytime he did not get his way but i still choose to back out and cancelled our wedding weeks before even when everything is almost ready. i just cant take it that i been crying everyday instead of being excited. and i just knew if i married him, i will either kill him or me by him or both of us ending up dead because i know myself i wont be happy and contented in a toxic relationship. His parent sent him to a pyshiatric ward later after he tried killing himself again but instead almost stab his mother who was stopping him. 10 yrs later, he succeded killing himsel on valentines day after learning i already move on and happily married and with child. my advice is not to look back and just concentrate on what is best with your child. Dont get suck up by the drama and toxicity of people who uses suicide for guilt tripping. it will never get better if they stay in your life.
It will get better for you. Just give it time. Try to Co-parent and don’t let him guilt trip you. You can’t force yourself to be with someone your not in love with. But then you never know its an opener for him. The question is is it enough for you for him to prove it to you or enough is enough…
His child should be his priority and his reason for living sounds like he’s emotionally guilting you thats no healthy for anyone people don’t realise what they had till they lost it keep doing what your doing stay at your sisters thats stability for you and your daughter try work a fair contact arrangement wish you the best of luck he may just be hurting don’t let him rein u in this is not on you u did what u can
You cannot be responsible for his actions. He is emotionally blackmailing you so you will go back. Move on but try to keep communication open for your daughter and his, but put your daughter into care with someone other than your ex for now. The guilt and sadness you feel is often for what might have been. Good luck
Girl he just guilt tripping you. That’s what one tends to do when he or she realize that the other person has really gotten Fed Up and moved on. 5 years living in a room how much more time did he need? I mean like come on if you’re in one room that means the child is in the room with you. I mean how much alone and bonding time can you two have on top of that. Unless it was financial reasons there’s no reason to really stay with someone’s parents for 5 years. I can see a year maybe two but five years? Nah!! You did right he’ll be all right that’s just the guilt trip.
This is just another way for him to control you!! He controlled you for 5 years and you allowed. You are no longer with him and you are still allowing him to control you. Find a sitter for your child and for now don’t have contact with him. One of you needs to put your child’s well being ahead of yourselves and if you go back to him your child will suffer!!
5 and half years is a long time and men feel emotions too he obv loves you more then anything go watch this on YouTube and that’s how most men feel type — hey Steve : waiting for the wedding
He will go through different stages such as denial, sadness, hurt, anger etc it’s normal but please do not give him any hint that he may have a chance as he will jump on it. What he is doing now is using emotional blackmail to make you go back as he’s in denial and trying to reestablish control by any means. Move with your sis and start to detach yourself from being his emotional crutch. I know it’s really hard but it will get better. For your kids to be ok you have to be ok
All that drama will come to pass if you don’t give in and take him back and soon he will understand why you left. Encourage him to seek professional help or to talk to someone else.
He’s trying to use emotional blackmail. You wasted 5 years on him. Don’t waste anymore time.
Don’t let him manipulate you into coming back with threats like that. If he is being serious then he really needs help. If you don’t think he is in the right state of mind right now maybe go to court and get an order for custody. And if he can’t be counted on you may have to look for daycares for now. Check with the state and maybe you can get some assistance from them with the daycare.
If he’s threatening to hurt himself don’t send your child over there, keep
documents and keep your distance, he’s just using that as bait.
Create a boundary for you and your baby , establish that boundary to him and be clear of what it is you want to do. He needs to know that he has to play ball and work something out with you for the betterment of your baby not the relationship between the two of you (as harsh as that sounds ) it’s always easier said then done. It is going to be hard which is expected but with a little help , some solid support and a push in the right direction the results of your hard work will prove worthy !!
With all the love in the world good luck
Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and he needs therapy. How old is he? Why is he wedded to living at home with his dad? Yes go to court and get immediate temporary custody & call a suicide hotline to talk to him, and tell his dad what he said about hurting himself. Ex BF is probably bluffing but don’t take chances.
Good for you for putting your child first. And just because you broke up with the BF doesn’t mean you have to cut off his daughter. Call her mom or talk to your ex about taking her with you places, coming to visit you, and even having overnights. Maybe call, text, or email her every day foe a while (does she have a cell phone?) until things calm down.
He will be ok. Sounds like he’s not good at regulating his emotions. With that comes throwing a fit and threading suicide. It sounds like you made the right decision. Everything will calm down eventually and you may be able to maintain the relationship you had with his daughter.
It sounds like emotional manipulation to me. Apply for child care assistance so you won’t have to rely on him.
You will get better. He may not especially if he doesn’t ever leave his fathers home. If you return it will get worse for you. Depression and anxiety of why did I come back will be your daily question. Live for yourself and daughter. Always be true to yourself. You are worth it
You did right for yourself and child he needs to grow up hes trying to control you .
When he gets a job, saves some money, has a decent place to live and is progressing congratulate him. You need to make your own money have a place for you and your child, go to school and get a Degree in a field you like and live. Do not be guilt tripped or sickened into his nonsense…
For 1 you did the right thing. Staying in one room is like a prison. The children and you deserve better. If he didn’t want to move out and get a house as a family that’s on him. It’s ok to live with a parent for a lil bit to get on your feet but it’s not a forever thing ya know. Sounds like he’s got some growing up to do still. And 2. With him saying he want’s to hurt himself and stuff like that .He’s probably mentally unstable. I’d be afraid that he might snap and hurt you and the child. Things has happened like this to ppl b4. The whole if I can’t have you no one else will eaither type of thing. I’d be cautious. If he wants to see the child I’d meet in a public place. Save all the text messages from him .When you do meet up it might be wise to have your sister or a friend to watch the meet a safe distance away .Just incase something happens.
He will get over it or he won’t but you did the right thing…Stick to your guns. As an aside Grandpa isn’t too nice either…what kind of grandpa and inlaw makes you stay in a bedroom…Not hard to understand Boyfriend’s problem
He doesn’t seem mature enough for the responsibilities that come with having a family. He’s putting you on a guilt trip that you don’t deserve. You gave him plenty of time to solve the problem and he didn’t. I would not send the child as long as he is threatening to harm himself. We had a situation in our area where the father took his son for court-ordered visitation. He murdered the son and then killed himself. You need to document everything he is saying and record it if you can so you will have proof for why you didn’t send the child. You also need to get at least a legal separation with court-ordered child support. You probably lost respect for him which made you also lose the love you had for him. Now if he does take action and wants to make a home with you, of your own, then there is the possibility that you could fall back in love with him. Something similar happened with my husband and me when our girls were little. He up and quit his job because he got mad at his boss. I told him he was not ready for the responsibility of a family because responsible men don’t quit their jobs just because they’re mad, especially without another one to go to. I was planning to leave but he cried and begged me not to and promised it would never happen again. He kept his promise and he even started a successful business. We have now been married 49 years and are closer and more in love than ever. So there is hope. Just because you fall out of love doesn’t mean you can’t fall back in. Sending prayers your way.
Praying for you. Stay safe and strong
If you were his reason for living, you’d all be living TOGETHER as a family WAY before this happened. Good luck, move on and protect your child. I’d perhaps ask a family member to be present with him when he’s seeing your kid. One can
Never be too careful. Good luck… I’m sorry.
What he is trying with you is called emotional blackmail. You have to do what is best for yiu and your child. You cannot live your life worrying about his choices. Do what you need to for your own health and happiness. HUGS
If you’re saying you both love each other, why not take him with you and get some counseling?
Don’t let him guilt you into going back. Maybe his visits with the kids should be joint until he gets his shit together. You can’t be responsible for him, but did what is best for you and the kids.
he will be fine , move on and take care of yourself .
Tell him he needs to move out for his mental self and you will be happy for him
I’ll probably get raked over the coals for this unfeeling answer. DO NOT GO BACK…TELL HIM ITS OVER. You’re not coming back. Call his bluff.
If he is suicidal make sure you take out a life insurance policy so your kid will be provided for…
He’s working u to get his way. It will get better and he will settle down. Hold your ground.
Look it very hard but took first hardest steps keep going - you get through it and less stress and you will find real love soon
Run and don’t look back… he’s totally trying to manipulate you! He’s been doing it for years already! It’s going to get worse before it gets better… because he’s going to get really mad you don’t go back to him…
So he’s unhappy YOU were unhappy! Don’t you think the kids saw or felt unhappiness/depression? NOW that you’re out of that situation hold on tight, NO going back…emotional blackmail is NO REASON to return both you and your child into that selfish manipulative person’s life!
He is manipulating you. Don’t bite at it.
Tell him to move in with you and pay half the bills and buy half the food.does he have a job? If not get one.
Look he is trying to guilt trip you onto coming back you need to stay away as much as possible you give an inch he will take a mile stay tuff in other words everything will work out in the end your main reason in life is the child don’t get drug down back in the room again concentrate on you and your daughter look and go upward forward never backwards
I thought I was reading my friends story here it’s so similar. You did the right thing. Protect yourself
You should go to counseling. Emotional pain is terrible. Its always better to sit and be honest…your way of thinking is childish instead of like an adult.
Stay where you at . Everything will be ok. Do not go back to that situation.
Stay strong. There’s no way to tell how long he will take before moving on. But what I am sure about is that a relationship based on guilt would be unhealthy & potentially destructive - for everyone.
Daddys Boy! Can’t cut the apron strings.This is a guilt trip.You and your daughter will be just fine.Be a cold day in hell before I would live with a guy and his Daddy and I wouldn’t be allowed to touch anything or decorate for Christmas for my child.Dont go back.The worst is over.Move forward you deserve to be happy.
Get daycare split cost its a healthier for her to be in daycare around kids and learning something. Tell him move in to his own place show you hes a big boy and you will talk
Try love. Marriage, common sense!!
He needs to leave and start a life with you and your family.
Stay where you are, but go to counseling together.
Do you want to live as you were? He needs to grow up and get his own life - stand on his own 2 feet. He is trying to make you feel sorry for him-please don’t. Walk away and don’t look back. You deserve better. Please.
get supervised vivitation and get child support from him
You are not responsible for anything he does. You should have told him you’re moving into your own home and he can come and be a family or he can stay and you will move on with your life. Co parenting isn’t an option as long as he is displaying potentially dangerous behavior. Make everything legal to protect everyone’s interests. Youre doin the adult thing, just keep doing that.
He’s guilt tripping you just to satisfy himself! Don’t let that happen! Why is he just a boyfriend when you have a child together? Where is his other daughters mother? This guy doesn’t want the commitment of a wife, a home, or a family. He just wants the benefits. Make your own life, and move on with your daughter. You can do this!! Make yourself happy for a change! Decorate for the holidays! Be careful about letting him spend time with the daughter, and meet some place public. Stay with them, he’s unstable. Best of luck in your new, better life!
if you are looking to stay " in love " you know that first release of hormones forever you will never make a life long commitment. marriage is work . it takes two people WANTING to make it work. my husband and I have been married 25 years. it was hard at times but we overcame and now we love each other more than ever. first thing both of you do is find faith. if you grow together in Christ you will be happier than you have ever been.
So proud of you for making the decision to leave and try to make yourself happy. It’s definitely not easy, but no path of major change is ever easy.
I would give him time, try not to push visiting your daughter, but offer to drop her off or meet him somewhere public.
He will either decide he wants to step up and have his own house for his family, or he will stay with his dad and move on. If he decides to get a house, you can reevaluate your feelings. You might be so happy that you still don’t want to go back. It’s normal to miss him, even though you aren’t in love with him. Praying you find happiness! I’m in a boat not far from yours. But I stayed way too long-32 years. Find your happiness now, don’t wait. Good luck!
Yes move on be happy. Don’t waste your life like so many.
He sounds like a sissy….looks like ur gunna be better off
Take Ashley’s Advice. Dont rely on him for child care. It will make you life extremely difficult. Every drop off or pick up will be about you and not your child. It will be emotional and distressing for you, your child and him. He will then get angry after some time and start to mess you around with child care making your work hours hard or impossible at times. Try to establish life on your own and utilise every one reliable and trust worthy aparr from him until he is emotionally more stable. Take care x
I relate to some parts of your story and I wanted to share my experience…
I was with my ex for almost 5 years. We’d always been quite rocky but it was very much a kiss and make up situation nothing ever got fixed. Anyway once I finished uni and started working full time I was living in my own flat alone and stayed at his a lot so I wanted to move in with him but he wouldn’t come stay with me but also wouldn’t commit to finding a place with me
That was the first thing the next was he was very emotionally manipulative and would threaten to kill himself and he actually took a bunch of pills one morning when I was getting ready for work (that’s another story)
So it was hard to leave because I thought maybe he’d follow through with it if I left but I was fed up and just left him and had to kinda have some contact with him until I moved away (he was still trying to contact me once i moved 100 miles away.
I dunno if your situation will get better especially as you have a child together but just do what’s best for you and try not to worry too much about him. I get that it’s important to take what he’s saying seriously but I do feel like he’s trying to manipulate you into giving him what he wants
Sorry this was much longer than anticipated x
He’s emotional abusing you with the suicide threats…you are NOT responsible for his actions and it’s very selfish of him to be putting you through this turmoil of his threats. Don’t fall for that girl…move on!!!
I understand you feeling guilty, but you shouldn’t. He, and he alone, is responsible for himself. He’s emotionally blackmailing you. He can only do that if you let him. Stay in the apartment with your sister. Tell him you understand him being upset over the breakup, but that he needs to get professional help to deal with it. Encourage him to get the help he needs so that he can be a good father to your daughter. That is all you can do, the rest is on him. Concentrate on yourself and your daughter. Don’t give in to the emotional blackmail. You deserve better, and you are on your way. Stay strong.
I left my husband last year, (together just under 11 years married for 5.5 years), i kicked him out cos I fel suffocated with him, I wasn’t allowed to do anything, wasn’t allowed to have anything, wasn’t allowed to go out, wasn’t allowed friends over, we have a child together, he turned extremely toxic after kicking him out, threw in my face that he had to do everything for me while I was having my operations, had to hsve 4 ops in 4 years. He refused to see our daughter the first two weeks we split, he made things a living hell for me. Worse than what they were when we were together, I got with my partner now and things got worse. It took months, but now we are in such a better place, could even say friends. He gets on well with my now partner, our daughter was effected by his behaviour at the start, I was constantly picking up the pieces, she was diagnosed with depression at 5 yes, was hard, I pulled her through it, took 9 months, when he caused alot of problems after the split it took a tool on her and she slipped back into depression. Again I got her back out of it. What I’m saying is, don’t cut all ties for your child’s sake, it may not seem like it now, but it will get better, henis angry, he is grieving of the loss of his family, but it will get better. He just needs time. On the flip side, he could also be playing mind games and saying all this and acting like this to get you back but won’t change when you are there. You need to make sure you do what is right for you and your child/ren. You and your child/ren need to be the main priority before him, as horrible as it sounds. Hope it all works out for you. X
Gaslighting. Hes gonna be just fine. If you think you could work it out of he’d be willing to leave his dad’s then give him an ultimatum but don’t backtrack
He is responsible for his own actions whatever he does is his own fault
My only thing is, you say you didn’t want to live with his dad, you wanted your own place, and you jumped straight into a family roommate situation again.
Did you tell him how you felt?
Don’t go back! No. No. No. He’s playing on your emotions.
My ex did this many times! Eventually I told him im not responsible for what he chooses to do! But also reminded him that his kids need him, so I would advise him not to.
Stay Strong…if he is serious about listening to you, he will be prepared to wait. His attitude towards your needs has caused this…all the best
The best advice i can give you is you have to let your head rule your heart. You know what is best for you and your child. Don’t let your heart intrude on that. There s a book thats in the libraries called Co-dependent No More. It was recommended to me by a therapist many years ago and it really helped me when I was going through a very similar situation. Its starts a bit slow but the more you read it most likely will feel like the book was written for you. You won’t be a blento put it down! You have lots of time to figure this out. Don’t rush things. Just remember, He has already shown you his true colors.
You need to live your own life you only live once do not waste it
If you still love him (sounds like you have love for him but not in love) then I would say to date. Tell him you don’t want to jump back in but he can prove he is ready to change while dating you again. If you are truly done and think his words may have any action behind them, you need to keep your child safe. This scenario has ended terribly so many times. I wouldn’t keep the child from him because it will lead to worse depression but if he is a good parent, ask for supervised visits while he gets help.
It’s a him problem, so don’t you carry it. You keep on the track you’re on and doing your best by your child, and document everything with him in case you need it someday for court/custody. There’s no telling if he will act better in time, unfortunately.
Paige Lauren New read this sounds similar to ur situation xx