My husband and I have been trying to go on vacation with our children. A year ago we went to Clearwater FL and loved it. We want to take our children down there, but are having issues with my stepsons mother. We tried going for spring break, but she wouldn’t switch days with us. We have been trying to plan something in the summer but it’s so expensive. We can’t take him out of school to go and holidays are split. I don’t want my girls to miss out on opportunities because his mother isn’t willing to work with us. I don’t want him to miss out either because to me thats rude. What would you do?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Would it be wrong to vacation without my stepson?
Ask his mother when would be a good time …
I’ve been there with my own kids and my ex.
DO NOT LEAVE HIS SON OUT - his heart already hurts from the divorce …
Still go on vacation it’s not you guys it’s his mom
She’s not doing anything but hurting her son and making him miss out. It sucks, but my kid wouldn’t be missing out because of her.
Yeah he’s going to resent you forever and be hurt. I would never be able to go enjoy myself without. If your children couldn’t make it would you still go? Lol. Don’t treat your husbands son like he’s not one of your children. You don’t want your girls to miss out but you’re willing to let your “step son” you shouldn’t have involved yourself with a man with a child if this is your outlook on the child.
Unfortunately the ex shouldn’t dictate how and when you vacation .the child will resent the mother for it! Go on vacation !
Speak with the husband, step mother and son all in the same room together and ask when would be a good time to take him on a vacation. People need to be held accountable for their actions.
Have your husband kindly ask her to switch days. If she refuses, file a motion for vacation time with the child.
If the girls live with you guys, you already do stuff without him. You can’t stop living because his mom is being uncooperative. Let the girls have fun and enjoy your vacation. I’m sure he does stuff with his mom that your girls don’t do. Nothing wrong with going on vacation without him if there are conflicting schedules. It’s not being rude.
Take him out of school
You cannot permanently operate around someone else who keeps changing the rules/schedule.
… just let your stepson know that you’ve asked and you’re trying hard to include him.
Ask his mom directly and up front what days would she be willing to let him come with you… That’s all you can do
Unless the ex has a court approved right to hold him back then she doesn’t have a say. Idk what your custody arrangement is but if it’s equal then your husband has rights to take him where he pleases on vacation. She’s only hurting her kid. If it’s not during school time i don’t see the issue.
Girl go! It’s very unfortunate for him that his mother is being selfish because SHE is only hurting him. Make your best effort to go when he’s available but if she can’t work with you then do NOT make your girls suffer the consequences of HER actions. You only get 18 summers with your kids being “kids” that’s it! Don’t waste them because of her. It is very sad because she’s hurting her child just to be spiteful. Go on all the trips and do all the things. When he is older he will know who robbed him of those opportunities! Do not waste the few short years you have to make memories and take trips. You blink and they are adults with their own families.
You’re not responsible for her decisions
That’s a sad situation for the child but you can’t not go because she won’t let him go. I’m sure you have but have you tried talking with the mom and being on a good basis? I know this is impossible in some situations but my child’s step mom and I are very close after many years.
If she can’t see that someone else loves her child and wants them on vacation to have fun then she’s terrible. The child will know as they get older who the issue is and will know you never tried to go without him. It’s unfortunate but you can’t let the years for the other children pass by and let her dictate your Choices
Don’t let your girls miss out because of a bitter ex. Make sure he knows you are doing everything you can to include him but his mother won’t allow it
I struggle with this. my bonus daughters mom tries to make things hard for us. but I also feel like my 2 boys miss out bc of her so im trying to just do better at both. I don’t wait for her to be here to do things with my boys (I mean she’s always doing something with her mom) but I also hold certain things until she’s here to them with us. balance
Does the boy mom include his half sisters on a vacation most likely she don’t sad
It will not be you that the child resents for not allowing him to go because you’re not the ones not allowing him to go it’s his mother so he will resent her not you guys go enjoy yourself
if you’ve made the attempt to switch days to make it work and it just won’t work. then yes, go!
She using her son to hurt his dad. Gross. I’d try to reason with her but if that’s not possible then just go imo. But try your hardest to get her on board. That’s so mean of her.
I’d go!Its noones fault how the mother chooses to act,don’t miss out on vacations and opportunities bcus she wants to be this way!
It’s actually really sad that his mum would stop him from making memories with his dad and family. - I don’t get why people do this - it only upsets the child knowing they was involved… I have no ideas of advice but I hope you manage to sort something so your step son can be involved.
You can have it in custody papers that he can vacation with his father. I’d get an amendment for future trips.
Figure out the finances and go during the summer when you have him. It’s not that difficult to cut the vacation a day or two short to make up for the finances you are lacking. I personally wouldn’t vacation if everyone couldn’t be included.
But plan trips even if they are 1 over night trips when you have him. That way he still gets yo go on trips with y’all
Go to court and ask to alternate holidays instead of split. And plan vacations for when you have him. It’s really not as hard as you’re making it out to be.
Explain to him about what is going on and go on your vacation. She has to answer to him.
Can’t you find a way to schedule a vacation during your time with him? I know with my kid’s Dad we have to schedule vacation during our time with our kids, we don’t switch to fit others schedule since we know far ahead of time when we have the kids.
If his mom refuses to accommodate for her son to be involved with his dad’s side of the family that is 100% on her. End of story. Go on vacation. Enjoy your time. Bring him souvenirs and let him know you asked his mom to allow him to come
My brother took his kids with when we all went in march they ended up switching the weekend she has them
It’s a tough call. I think I would plan a different vacation event, closer to home, and not tell the step-son’s mother when it is or what it is. Plan it for your time with him and all of you go and have a blast. You didn’t say where you live, but there has to be a Six Flags or a theme park somewhere close to you that would cost comparable to a Clearwater vacation. You could camp there for a couple of days and let the kids ride the rides and see the shows and play the games. It would really be fun. King’s Island. Cedar Point. Dollywood. There has to be something near you you could all do together. Good luck and happy vacationing.
I’d be honest with your stepson depending on his age. “Hey we tried to get mom to switch but she doesn’t want to. We want you there with us!”
Sounds like your damned if you do and Sam Wd if you don’t. I think approach her one last time and lay it all out that you don’t want him missing out and feeling excluded because she won’t allow it. Also is she not planning a holiday at somepoint which you will have to agree to switch days with her also. She’s making everyone’s life difficult out of bitterness
I read the question and went straight to: HOW DARE YOU!! After reading your situation I would go without him and bring him something back.
Not wrong…some parents don’t understand the pain caused to their child…Long lasting hurt that will show up later in life…
Pretty sure in most cases the noncustodial parent gets 10 consecutive days with the child once a year. At least that’s what’s usually in the court papers here… which you can choose to take at any time in the year.
Talk to the mother and ask what days work best for her. Give her a few options on what works for you. Let her make the " final decision " to make her feel in control if that’s the type of person she is. Don’t go without him. Even though it’s his mother’s fault, he’ll still only see it as " you left without me " but at the end of the day, if his mother won’t work with you to benefit the kid, don’t make the other kids miss out bc of it. Let the child know that you want to take him there’s just not a good time without taking him out of school and you can’t do that bc school is important. Don’t tell him he can’t go bc his mother says no. Bc then you’re pushing blame on her, and he will see that.
I would organise something that means everyone can be included without necessarily needing ex’s approval to travel etc it might not be exactly what you are wanting etc but the kids are going to have fun either way being together, while yes i understand not wanting your children to miss out unfortunately it’s not about just your kids, big holidays away are a luxury and noones life has ever been damaged from not having that but what will be incredibly damaging for your step child AND your children is having a fractured holiday it will built resentment and negativity between the he kids relationship and honestly a holiday isn’t worth the potential damage, when you are a part of a bonded family it kinda has to be all of them go or none of them go. I understand it’s not a situation that is your fault at all and a tough position to be in
Oh wow. In that case just go. My son can go anytime with his dad. Only problem is he dad is a pos.
As a step mother I would say yes, it would be wrong. He will be the one hurt in the end. No one else. Get your custody amended or save more summer but never leave him out
I would give a couple dates and have him ask his mom. Leave it at that and GO!
I would probably ask him what he’s comfortable with, and also go back to court so we can make sure this doesn’t happen next year.
You are allowed to have vacations with just your bio family. Include them when possible but life shouldn’t be put on hold when they aren’t there. They have a whole other lifestyle to experience in the mean time.
Forget that drama, make memories with your kids.
maybe breakup the one long vacation into 2 closer to home weekends that you have him?
I would go back to court and get the visitation adjusted to where you have him him for half of the summer so you can plan trips with him.
Would you want your own kids missing out on a holiday because of someone else, if you can’t come up with a suitable time so all can enjoy then that’s down to them
You have given dates but it’s not your fault other people can’t do it
Go and enjoy your self
Not wrong. His mother is. She sounds shitty for keeping him from having a fun time.
Have it in writing 30 days before the scheduled vacation/trip and she can’t deny the trip but can request to take a trip with him herself. It is a violation of most custody agreements
Take him where you CAN get with him. When you can. Personally i would take my kids without if necessary. No sense in everyone missing out. Ive gone places and had to leave 1 of my own sons with gma before as he had other things happening then too. Bring him back really cool things from vacation. Send him mail. Call him, tell him you miss. I how i coped with leaving mine once in awhile
Go! BUT make sure that you make him full aware that it is not yours or his father’s fault that he cannot go with you. How old is he? Maybe he could talk to her. Maybe get her to trade holidays or weekends whatever the case may be.
Leave him with His Mother.
Your such a good step mom to care so much
I wouldn’t say it’s wrong because I under your situation and I really want to say go without… but, the child will take it personally and only see it as you guys doing a family fun fact and he can’t go. I know it sucks but as someone who went through something similar, that really hurt me a lot and of course at that time I didn’t fully understand why and saw it as such. I like what the one lady said who commented and give her a few different dates and let her feel in control and decide. I guess if it comes down to it and she’s unwilling then go but please plan something else to even if it’s small and close to home so he can come best of lucj
Talk to him about it and you can explain that he is still loved and even maybe make a fun weekend for him on a weekend you have him so he don’t feel to left out let him pick it favorite place to go but your kids should get to have a great experience ￼
For those saying it’s not as hard as she is making it, you obviously have either never had to split custody of a child or you have never had to deal with a difficult co parent. I definitely agree don’t go without him. If you have to cut it a day or so to make it work then do that. Another tip sometimes its cheaper to rent an air bnb rather than a hotel because you have a kitchen and can cook food rather then ordering out all the time. Also if possible maybe drive or find alternate transportation or sometimes just changing the days of the week can make it cheaper also. Last summer I took my kids to Myrtle Beach we saved alot by being able to cook our own food ( we planned our outings around meals and tried to limit eating out to once a day) and by switching the days since weekends are more expensive. I hope this helps.
You say to the ex wife: we are going on vacation on such and such a date. We would love to take our son. Let us know whether he will or will not be coming.
He’s having experiences with his mom also. Your kids should not miss out on the things you can do with them. I know it’s hard but somethings are going to be unavoidable. Do with him what y’all can and make the best of it. Just make sure he knows y’all tried and be open with him. Hopefully his mom is t the type to try and turn things around and speak negatively about y’all to him.
It’s really a shame that people can’t co-parent. It makes things so tough on the kids. But I will say first and foremost while I have sympathy for the situation please make sure you aren’t being the same way as she is. It’s hard super hard but then make the plans and ask. If the child is old enough to see and understand that you have tried and you have asked them it goes become clear that the other parent is unwilling to allow things to happen. Kids are far smarter than we give them credit for and see far more than they lead on. Good luck to you and your family but please enjoy your vacation
I am 100% on the fence with this one…
Plan the vacation then with mother and son both present, tell them about the trip and how it wouldn’t be a family vacation without him. If she then says he can’t go, that’s on her but you do not and I repeat, DO NOT want him to feel like you left him out.
I’m assuming the stepson is older. Can you take the littles on vacation now & do a separate vacay with the stepson at another time when other family can watch the other kids? Maybe he’d want to do something other than Disney, like a whitewater rafting trip or to see the Indy 500 or New York City, or a big name concert.
Maybe all the adults can sit with a counselor to get along & plan better for the future.
I say talk to the mom with the child present and ask when a good time to go would be. If she continues to be difficult and there’s no resolve, I’d GO. At least then if there’s any resentment… it’ll be directed at the right person.
This is such a hard one. I’m not sire what I’d do… but this boy is so lucky to have 3 parents that love him.
Have your husband set up a meeting with her with their son present. Have him present her with a couple of options as far as dates go and see which option she’ll agree to. She probably won’t put up much of an issue with her child there. She’ll also feel like she has some control, or input, which is most likely the issue anyway. I definitely would not go without him. He needs to be included. It’s difficult being a stepchild. There is nothing more important than knowing your loved, thought of and treated just like everyone else in the family. If you go without him it will send the message that you didn’t want to, or care enough to take him. Especially since his father took his siblings, but not him. He will ultimately blame you, and if he doesn’t resent you or the other kids already, he will after that.
I’d explain the mother wouldn’t budge and still go. Let him know how she refuses to change days to let you go.
Take him there for as long as you can then get dad to fly back with him and return to finish the trip.
It is ok for you to have a life (vacations, outings, parties etc) without the step-son. Like you said why should your kid miss out because you can’t coordinate things with his mother? I bet she wouldn’t think twice about doing something with her kid. I don’t understand why people punish kids in the home because they choose to add other to the family.
She sounds like a c**t. Good luck.
How old are the children? That kind of matters.
Take it into court and get permission.
I would take your girls on a trip planned… Have hubby ask to take your step son ( give lots of time for decisions) if his mama says no then still go as a family. Once back take him out to do something fun with him also. She sounds salty and bitter… That’s hurting her child … I don’t get why parents try to be so harsh against the other parent, but it doesn’t hurt the parent… It’s hurts there own child way way more.
I mean you can’t stop your life because of her. I’d have a talk with him assuming he’s old enough to kinda understand, and I’d plan a different trip with him included, sure it may not be out of state but it can still be fun.
Don’t talk to the mum in front of the child about it that’s just snakey, if u wanna go on vacation then go there’s absolutely nothing stopping you.
I’d take him out of school.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It was like that for us also at first, now 10 years in LUCKILY we’ve all grown and can coparent peacefully, vacations included.
I hope you guys can have that eventually too!
I am sure the mother takes him on vacations as well. In that case it is OK for you to vacation without him sometimes. When you want to go is a family just save your money and budget accordingly to go in the summertime when everybody is available
Have your husband write his ex a letter…
A very nice letter, explaining that he wants to take a vacation with All of the children
Exclude the use of the words
Possibly In her eyes, HER son is Not YOU & YOUR children’s
Have your husband explain that if Their son isn’t able to go, he will inevitably find out about the vacation from the other children and how he doesn’t want the child to feel hurt and left out if he isn’t able to go, and he wants to enjoy a vacation that includes Their son
Exclude the phrase :
If he is not allowed to go
That could trigger her and could make her feel like her ex is calling her a mean mother.
Your husband shouldn’t use phrases such as :
If you don’t let him…
Give her a list of dates and destinations
Promise that her son will call/facetime daily at a specific time for a Private, One on One conversation with her
She may feel threatened by his new family and it seems like she is using their son as a weapon in the war she’s trying to create…
If all else fails an attorney can get a summer vacation visitation order in place, but Do Not threaten her with that, it’ll only enrage her more and hurt the child
Is there nothing in the custody agreement about designated summer vacation? An extended visitation period for the summer that is to be requested? Have you seen the custody agreement? Maybe you can go to court and modify the custody arrangement. If the cistern arrangement is no longer working and the mother is being unreasonable, go back to court and modify terms. Yes it would be wrong to vacation without your stepson. Would you vacation with your stepson without your girls?
Pick a few date options and present them to mom. Price match and research different options. I know summer is more expensive, but if you rented an apartment, you could grocery shop for breakfast and lunch and only eat out for dinner. Research free activities in the area. When we vacation, my kids always wanna ride go karts, play mini golf, go to the boardwalk carnival… that all stuff we can do at home. We look for stuff that we can’t do at home.
I would still go if you cannot figure out a way for him to join. And then maybe do a trip just for him a different time? That is unfair to him for her to not allow it. I hope you figure things out.
If his mother saids NO then its NO nothing you can do so just go and enjoy your vacation don’t feel bad about it and definitely don’t let it stop you
If you have shared custody, set it up when you know you’ll have him…or do something else with your girls and wait on the big stuff to do with him. In truth, there will always be things he’ll miss out on unless mom and dad can co-parent respectively with him in mind…they need to do what’s best for him regardless of their own issues with each other. Unfortunately, you can’t make either parent do what’s right…all you can do is try to make him feel just as loved and special as his sisters
So sad his mother don’t feel the same she’s just beingselfish
Wait for it to work out for all of you, don’t let him feel left out.
If you have a custody agreement through court all you have to do is give a notice per your order and if she doesn’t comply she’s in contempt of court. And that’s just rude of her to deny her son those experiences.
I would go on vacation and let my son know that we asked if he could come. His mother has to take responsibility or consequences that come from it.
You cannot miss out because of one person. Sounds harsh but you have to consider all the children.
If you can’t talk her into going then I would still do it
If he doesn’t live with you & his Mother wont let him go, document it, & take it before a judge & address it.
Until then go on the vacations, & document that with receipts and such to back up your claim.
His mother is trying to dictate what you do because you are wanting to include her child. Do not let her run your life. When the boy asks why he didn’t get to go, tell him to ask his mother why.
In this case I think you’re okay to go without him. You’ve tried. As a divorced mother of 3. Myself nor their stepfather would keep them from going on vacation with their dad & his girlfriend. We would work around their vacation schedule regardless of our set “kids weekend/schedule”. As long as we coordinate with vacations & things going on we wouldn’t want to keep the kids from enjoying their time with their other parents. It’s selfish of her to do that to her son. Sorry you are dealing with this. I hope she can change her mind.
The father has just as much right to take a family vacation with all of his children just as a mother has the right to do the same. I’m pretty sure if he approached the mother unexplained that he plans on taking a vacation with their son and these are the dates and if that means he has to miss school oh well.
His own mother is letting him miss out on opportunities. Sad
Make plans,tell him and his mother at same time…ball is in her court. She either makes it work,or not. Then he knows YOU tried.
couldnt the trip be planned when you had him, or go to court or ask alawyer what you can do search out your options
Plan the vacation on times you have him so you don’t have to deal with her.
How old is your stepson. Over 15 I would call the mom on speaker- I would explain that all PARTIES can hear and then explain you are planning a vacation and want to include him. Here are the dates you are looking at, how can we make this work so that he can come. But I don’t have time for stupidity, if he’s over 15 he’s old enough yo be part of this process. If you get I wouldn’t do that. However I would tell him about that plans and let him know you will be calling his mom yo work out the dates so he can go
Get designated vacation blocks put into your court order
Toddler your girls and go
Multiple things here…you are a family with AND without your stepson. Period. Your life does not stop when he’s not with you. Don’t teach your kids that your family isn’t whole unless he’s there. Better yet, don’t show your kids that another woman controls what you do or don’t do.
That being said…try to plan things on the days he’s scheduled to be with you. Don’t ever expect her to switch days with you. You can absolutely pull him out of school. Just let the school know. Many schools will create a “distanced learning” packet so that he wont be marked absent those days. Double check if that is an option. If none of that is possible for a trip you’re trying to take, GO ANYWAY. Dont feel guilty about it when you guys have made the effort to try to include him. If it helps, he will most likley have experiences and vacations with his mother that your children won’t get to experience. There will be things he misses out on, but also so many ways he gets double the opportunities, double the gifts (during birthdays and Christmas), double the love. It’s not all bad. Don’t feel guilty, especially if you’re trying and it just doesn’t work out.