Advice? Words of encouragement? Am I a baby?!

Was suggeated to come here by Facebook page as I wait for a response… they said this would be quicker…

Ive never done something like this before and I dont know if this is me asking for specific advice or me just needing to vent. It’s bound to be long and all over the place and will likely get repetitive and contradictory but I just need to let this out.

I am wondering what people do to keep their relationship thriving. It’s like I know the answer to this but in a “I don’t know how to practice what I preach” kind of way.

Everyone thinks I’m happy. Heck I even convince myself that I’m happy half the time even though deep down I know I’m not happy in the way that I’d like to be. The way that I feel I deserve.

I’ve been with my fiance since we were freshmen. We are almost 30 now… we have young amazing 3 children together. They are our whole world.
I would do anything for them and I’m becoming to realize that this can be both a blessing and a curse.

Where I struggle is, we have been together for 12 years, half of those we’ve been engaged. It’s been years of engagement and we still aren’t married. No reason in particular. We’ve bounced back and forth between wanting to just settle settle a quick courthouse wedding but then me also feeling like, again, that I deserve much more than that… especially after ALL these years and 3 kids later. I mean am I wrong or too needy to think that?
But at the same time it’s gotten to the point that I don’t even care if we are married and maybe it’s for the better because of how I’ve been feeling lately. YET at the same time it bothers me so much.
I just feel like I’ve been wasting my life away. Yes that’s a bit dramatic. But I had so many high hope for my life, my love life specifically. I imagined dates, lots and lots of dates. Not like those in the movies but simply him and I together. Alone. And notnin bed as I’m about to fall asleep. We’ve been on maybe 5 dates in these entire 12 years. That is not an exaggeration. I say I don’t care but it really leaves me feeling sorry for myself. I see people who have been with their spouses way less time than we have been together and they already have had their 1, 2, 3, 4 , 5 year marriage anniversaries and they have date nights all the time.
It sorta makes me wanna cry typing that… because like… why couldn’t I get that?..
Over the years I’ve tried not to have expectations because I know I’ll be let down but at the same time I have to remind myself why should I settle? I also tell myself… do it for the kids. Wait til they’re at least grown and out living their best life. But that’s 17 years away, if they choose to even move out at that time. I would be 44 by then… then again whatbreason do I actually have to leave. I don’t think I could do it if I wanted to…

Our problem is we had our first directly out of high school and so all we’ve ever know is how to parent together. We learned quickly it’s us against the world. We have basically no support at all, people say theyre here for us but I’m left asking… WHEN??? WHEN ARE YOU THERE?? We have had a “babysitter”(grandparents, couple friends) maybe 15 times in the entire 8 years of being parents. I’d say all but 3 of those were while we were working. The grandparents on both sides are basically non exsisent in our lives. Only see each other for holidays etc. So it’s like I get that we can’t go on dates because we don’t know trust anyone to watch our 3 kids. But at the same time we hardly ever talk, we small talk, talk about random stuff throughout the day, like something one of the kids did that day but we NEVER EVER engage in deep conversations and quite frankly I believe it’s because neither of of really have much of a life to talk about. He goes to work and when he’s not he’s home with us and I am home with the 3 kids day in and day out not complaining but saying this may be exactly why we don’t talk really. When we are next to eachother, I’d much rather sit on my phone(I know I know​:roll_eyes::pensive:) because it’s so much more engaging, takes away the bit of awkwardness that I feel(yes even after 12 years). But id like to talk just don’t know what to talk about that’s not about the kids.
I tell him he goes to work and get at least to talk here and there with an adult and I… well I have no one but the youngsters. I have ZERO adult interaction except the occasional hi are you enjoying the weather when I’m at the gas station or grocery store.

I wanna add ramdomly that even the times we have dated I feel so uncomfortable because its so out of the ordinary and I just simply don’t know how to act and stress about what there could possibly be to talk about since we don’t even talk at home.
Please don’t come at me, if you knew me aside from this little essay ive written up (:rofl:)you would know I’m such a genuine person.

But I struggle because I know we have the potential to be happy and I’m not completely miserable, don’t get me wrong. (Just right now I feel nothing is going for us but our incredible kids and the ((great​:metal::rofl::face_with_hand_over_mouth:))sex that we recently have far and few in-between lately because I’m not in the mood with all this going through my head)

I dont know what I want out of having this posted. Maybe someone can think of something to say… that’s not rude. I’m already feeling so low of myself.
I would love to add so much more and go more into depth on these things. but it would give away my identity to friends on this page. Lol

Sorry for the randomness. I warned you it’d be all over and basically me just venting about nonsense. But what does anyone recommend?

Edit to add: Adding some will say it’s just a piece of paper, I’ve gotten that alot. But that’s just not true for everyone… And at the very least I’d have liked for my name to match 3 kids being as we are still together and have been together so long.

IMO, a big wedding is a waste of money. You have 3 kids. The money you blow on that wedding, could go into college funds. If you want something special, use money for a honeymoon. Something that last longer than a couple hours.