Aita? My fiancé and I have been together for 2 years. When we first got together he owned his own business, but he eventually ended up moving to where I was located 2 hours away, and gave his business up. He is retired military and gets a retirement check once a month, so money has never been an issue as we support each other financially. Recently he has decided to go back to school for a degree, and plans on working full time. But the thing is, I am the breadwinner of our household, and it works with him being the stay at home parent of the kids who he plans to adopt once we are married as their father isn’t in the picture. He also wants to have another kid, and I told him I wouldn’t want him working full time as he’s already retired and we don’t need the money, the household support is more than enough especially given how expensive daycare is, and the kids we have are already in elementary school. If the situation was reversed I feel like if I was asked to be the stay at home mom/wife nobody would blink an eye. But since he’s a man, it’s seen almost as controlling.
If money is not an issue now and also he will be adding additional income from a full time job then why can you not afford daycare? Being a stay at home parent is not for everyone. I love my kids dearly but would never want to be a stay at home parent. You have only been together 2 years and they aren’t his kids. He will end up resenting you.
If he doesn’t want to stay home you can’t force him. Just like you wouldn’t want to be forced
As someone married to a military member. My husband gets bored sitting idle at home. Even if I were to be the breadwinner and he stayed at home. I couldn’t expect him to feel fulfilled with that. It’s also make him feel like less of a man to not be the breadwinner (I know it shouldn’t as he worked hard but for men it does). Best thing you can do for not only your husband but your marriage is find a compromise. Maybe each of you take lesser hours and he stays home one day and then the next time you stay home. And just rotate it out.
There’s nothing wrong with having a conversation with him about the benefits of him staying home. But if you make him feel forced or obligated to stay home, that’s not good.
If the roles were reversed, it would be considered sexist to expect you to give up on your dreams and career to stay home.
Being a stay home parent is very hard, and isolating, so if it’s not what he really wants, he will likely eventually resent you for it.
Both of the kids are in school so I’m not sure why he “needs” to be a stay at home parent. I think if this post was written by your husband saying that you need to stay home everyone would be screaming he was the AH. I think it’s controlling and you are the AH in this situation.
You shouldn’t have to ask him nor think in stopping him from working on his degree to better further his family. Seeing he dropped his business for you, and your children aren’t his children you should support him. Maybe once he works on furthering his education he’ll only work part time or maybe you’ll be able to stay with your children at home.
Why can’t he study/go to class when the kids are in school?
If a woman was a SAHM and wanted to work and better herself, that should be encouraged. If it’s not about money then he could be needing the stimulation or being at home could be too much. I think you’re incredibly wrong.
They aren’t even his kids. Yall only been together for 2 years. He dropped his business for you. He’s already made a big life decision by moving and leaving the business. He probably wants more for his life other than to be your stay at home babysitter. If they were his kids it would be a completely different situation.
I’ll say the same thing here that I would say if this were a man posting about their wife wanting to return to work. Let your partner return to work.
It’s not always about the finance or the kids. Sometimes it’s about wanting to do something with your life, outside of the home.
There is more to us, man or woman, then taking care of our children and our home.
Sit with him, and compromise. Maybe he can return to work full-time now, since the kids are school age, but you both agree that if you decide to have more children, he reduces his hours to part-time.
all the ladies here make really good points. Marriage is all about communication. Talk to him and tell him how you fell and LISTEN when he tells you how HE feels. I want to add that just because money is okay with you guys right now does not mean it will be later. Having 2 incomes is a good thing girl. Especially if your kids are in school!!!
Both kids in school so no need for him to sit around all day if he wants to work. Also that extra money could be used for childcare. He gave it all up to move to you. Even if yall have another child you’ll be off for a bit and he can he $$ wise and keep himself busy and possibly do part time. I’m a SAHM and to be honest it sucks and is beyond boring and mentally isn’t good for me at all. Gender doesn’t matter you have to give and take with what’s best for both of you and it sounds like he wants/needs more of a purpose. So support him to further his education and see were it goes from there.
It’s not okay to pressure a significant other (regardless of gender) to be a stay at home parent. It’s not easy and to force someone to do it is dumping a ton of work on them. Pushing this could create future relationship problems too. You’re the AH if you continue to push it.
He is his own person and can decide what he wants to do with his time. If he’s working, daycare would be affordable. I say let a grown man make his own decisions and this is the same advice I’d give him if he said this about you.
I don’t think anyone should be forced to give up their career/hope & dreams to stay home with the kids. I commend the men and women who do it but I tired it and it’s not for me. It wasn’t fulfilling and took a toll on my mental health. He should have a choice. Lay out you points and then let him decide and be supportive of what he decides.
Why does he need to be stay home dad
My hubby couldn’t do it he would ended up going crazy and eventually leave
Find a compromise that works
But work on your control issues as well
Let him have this and work something out especially since kids are in school
Depending on age they can be independent for like hour or so
If they’re not then work around the times they go to school and get home
Also look into after school clubs that may benefit them and you
Would it work for you? Who cares what others think
He already gave his business up. He’s bored he wants to do something with his life. Even if he is retired he has the right to work if he wants to. If money isn’t an issue then you stop working and let him get a full-time job and you be stay at home parent. Seems like u have a lot to work out before you get married
If he wants to work, let him work.
If two are already in school, you’d be able to afford a 3rd in daycare.
You can’t force someone to stay home especially someone who is used to the go go go lifestyle of military.
So you wanna force him to stay home and never be able to follow his dream? That’s horrible…
You stay home with the kids and let him work since he wants to.
So he’s your live in babysitter ! Gotcha
Is he bored? Could he work part time or can you stay home?
You should be encouraging him not trying to control and cut his wings , he has the right to fulfill his dreams and study what ever the heck he wants and work as many hours as he also wants.
He should NOT be your babysitter, they are your kids and at the end of the day they are your responsibility not his,specially when he has been around for only two years, he already gave up his business and moved to be with you and now you expect him to give up his dreams and desire to be and feel like a man .
Being at home is not for everyone.
And your kids are already in elementary school , you can put them in after school programs / extracurricular activities or even hire a sitter for a couple of hours , you even said that money is not an issue .
Seems like you two are definitely NOT a fit for each other, he wants a kid and you don’t, I really wish that someone open his eyes and make him re consider marrying you .
A little bit of an asshole. He gave up his business to be with you. He’s used to bringing in more money than he is. You can’t force him to stay home. Need to sit down with him and find his reasoning for not wanting to stay home. If he’s in school full time his retirement money should still come in. Write all the numbers down, yours and his and bills etc. cost for after school care etc. most military men I know active or retired need the visual. They need to be able to see the numbers and the facts all laid out and not just be told what’s best. Maybe y’all can find a compromise. Maybe he wants to be the breadwinner and it bothers him that he’s not. Ya need to talk, communicate. Can’t go into it with “I’m right and this is best” have to go into it with “what’s best for our family” and “what’s going to work for all of us”. It’s not a one way street and he deserves to be happy and feel like he’s contributing if that’s what he wants and needs to be happy”
I feel like your holding him back. Its not fair for you to dictate what he does with his life. My husband now was a SAHD parent in his previous marriage. He hated it. It wasn’t something he wanted to do- his ex wife pretty much told this is how it was going to be. If kids are already in elementary school why would the daycare bill be high? Before & after school care is relatively cheap compared to full-time daycare. Don’t hold someone back for wanting to better their lives, its almost like you like having the financial authority over your husband. You sound controlling. Not your husband. I’ve also been a SAHM and also hated every minute.
What the everloving hell? Why would you ever ask a man or any person to not work? Conteol freak much? I have a lot of questions and only one answer; yes you are…
I think you will push him out your life if he wants to do things like that and you want him home. Just because he retired from the military doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to still do something for work. Being a stay at home dad is not for all men. Since money isn’t an issue, I don’t see what the problem is letting him pursue his latest dream. I mean wth woman. You’re asking him to kill his dreams for kids that aren’t even his. Like I said keep him home if you want, but he will end up leaving you for being a dream killer.
Some people have a hard time being a stay at home because of their drive and desire to feel like a contributing member in society. He may have forgone his educational pursuits because of the service and now feels like he can pursue this both mentally and financially. How many more sacrifices does he need to make to make you happy? He gave up his business, moved, is willing to adopt your children, willing to build a life with you… etc, but you’re not willing to let him grow and better himself? Regardless of gender the facts are if my significant other controlled what I can and can’t do without my consent or coercion, I’d be gone.
You could support his dreams instead of him being your full time nanny to YOUR kids. What would you do if you didn’t have a man that steps up when a loser won’t.