Sorry for the hellishly long strewn out possibly slightly confusing night I had with my DH.
Am I the asshole?
I get home from work and it is 845pm
Now mind you for a little context we have a little farm, the barn windows were open and the two Pygmy goats we have were free roaming upon arrival. The sun was halfway through setting. DH has been home most of the day with our 13 month old and my oldest almost 10 year old.
I run inside to grab the distant neighbors spare key to go and turn off their AC as they are away from home for the weekend. I had texted DH while I was on my way. I’m about to leave the house when DH says “hey what is everything okay?”
I respond “I forgot to bring the spare key with me just gotta do the thing”
He counters with “I can do it… you can just come and be inside”
I said “ok one sec” and I shut the door to go pull my car further in and grab my things. Right after I shut the door and am halfway off the porch DH comes out and says “hey I said I would do it” and I go “yeah I know I said one sec I just wanna pull my car up and grab my things”
I felt like he looked at me through the side of his eyes.
I go inside put all my things away, makeup off etc and just be ready to take on the baby. DH asks me why I’m irritated because I seem irritated and I felt like I was being assuring when I said I’m not.
I hand him the key and he looks confused. “What’s this for” and I feel the look of disbelief come across my face when I start to tell him, he interrupts and said “I was just asking”
he leaves.
I’m playing with baby on the floor and notice he needs a diaper change.
*For context, I opened a new box of diapers. Same brand but instead of green they are grey. I wanted to use a new one but there was one green one left. I couldn’t not use it so I did.
So I go to change the diaper and he’s wearing a green diaper. It’s pretty full but not overly. He had some diaper beads on him and some lint. He spilled a bit of water on his pants so that could have caused it but at the time I wasn’t thinking of that. I was just thinking green diaper- I used the last one, make it make sense!
DH comes home and he asks what’s wrong I look like somethings wrong. I think about deciding to brush it off, change my mind, walk up to him in our bedroom and said “hey you changed his diaper today right” and rightfully so he’s upset that I would ask such a question. I apologize and explain my reasoning that I don’t actually think he wouldn’t change a diaper but with what I knew at the time it didn’t make sense.
It doesn’t make it better. He’s mad that I would even suggest it.
“I went to Wilco, and had to change his diaper at in the car…” and proceeds to tell me the full trip like having more details makes it more true. I don’t disbelieve him it all makes sense now. Diaper bag. Duh.
I then say “if the situation were reversed I’d hope you would speak up if you thought-“
He interrupts me and claims he would never think such a thing.
Way to put yourself up on that high horse DH.
So I exit our bedroom into our bathroom to smoke (baby is in living room it’s legal and I blow out the window) because it calms me down when I feel stressed or upset. DH is doing things in the bedroom muttering (loud enough for me to hear) mean things about me. So I tell him “im gonna go to bed.” He said “are you f-ing serious?”
I told him yes, and I close the door softly.
Normally when we fight I’m already a little baked, my emotions are higher and I feel things more sensitively and I’ll cry. But I didn’t smoke when I came right home as usual. So normally when we fight and I want to be alone in the bathroom to cry I’ll sit with my back to the door, shut.
DH blew that door open and it smacked the mirror on the wall behind it, I caught it from falling and looked at him wide eyed and I felt bewildered. He looked at the mirror and said “I don’t give a fuck” (any other time that would have been me that door smacked-which was why I felt the way I did. I didn’t care about the mirror. The mirror was me, and he doesn’t give a fuck. I told him calmly that’s fine. He then tells me “fuck off” more than once. So I said “fine maybe I will”
He goes on again about the diaper and I told him it didn’t make sense to me at the time, with which he responds “oh you couldn’t think do the diaper bag?”
So then I counter “so you’re allowed to make me feel stupid but I’m not? You literally called me the other day while I was at work asking where the dechoker was. Instead of looking yourself.” He goes “what are you taking about dechoker” because to him it has 0 relevance. (We use to keep the dechoker on the fridge, but he put it in the diaper bag. Baby was playing with it one day and that’s the reason DH called me to ask where it was. [I put it away where he keeps it- diaper bag] I didn’t receive the call so when I get off I immediately call because HE WAS LOOKING FOR THE DECHOKER IS BABY OKAY. I ask if he looked in the diaper bag, he looks all offended and said “no because the baby was playing with it so I didn’t know where it was”)
He leaves the bathroom and I shut the door gently again, and finally start to load my bowl when DH mutters loudly “that’s right smoke it up mommy”
Coming from the man who use to smoke with me. Coming from the man who encourages me to smoke when I’m feeling stressed out. When I tried to stop for a little while to rebuild my tolerance (mostly cuz I was broke but also that) HE went out and got me more because I tend to have a short temper when I’m overwhelmed (2 kids [DD is with her dad this weekend] a baby a game a job and a DH will do that to a woman)
I opened the door and said “did you really just say that” he looked up at me and said “huh, I didn’t say anything” I repeated what I heard him say and he just brushed it off.
DH drinks at LEAST 4-5 white claws per night. The one time I tried to convince him to stop for a week (I was gonna stop weed for a week also I wanted us to do it together) and he had a panic attack. So with that in mind “I never would have told you have another beer” and he just responds with “idgaf”
So I told him you can have the bed, and I left. Didn’t even smoke.
I go into our sons room and sit in the rocking chair and just scroll Facebook. I am there for a while. And I suddenly hear baaing. Its 945 at night now. I exit the baby room and tell him the goats are still out (he forgot of course, just like he forgot the stovetop was on when he left but I don’t tell him because he does it at least 2x a month and it won’t change anything. He’s forgetful I feel like I don’t hold it against him- it just happens with him) and he said he’ll go out and take care of them. I go back to the baby room.
I take out a couple diapers and put them on the counter in case baby needs changing before bed. Because I’m in the baby room, so to me I’m being thoughtful.
It’s 1025 and DH is having a little bit of a rough time putting baby to sleep. I’m usually the one who does it. Every night. And I get up every night. I’m trying to fall asleep in the rocking chair but it’s hard. I resolve to sleep on the couch when DH and baby go to bed. (Baby’s crib is in our room he also co sleeps)
I exit baby room it’s 1040 to tell my DS (almost 10) it’s time for bed. We negotiate cuz he’s watching monster truck videos and I give in, but turn it down. I go back to baby room and notice the diapers I put on the counter, are now on the floor in front of the baby room. I pick them up, put them back on the counter, and go to turn some lights out, and I mumble “fucking petty”
When I finish, DH said “did you say something” I say “what” he said “I heard you cuss” I shrug and respond with “doesn’t matter” and go back to the baby room.
I put some blankets on the floor and I lie down, and I write a poem to let out my feelings. I have self harmed before, when the hurt inside isn’t something I can tolerarte, and writing sometimes helps as a replacement.
It’s 1130 and I tell DS to go to sleep, and I go lay on the couch and try to sleep myself. But it’s really hard. I didn’t smoke, and I’m running the nights scenarios in my head over and over and over. The bedroom door is half open, when we are in there it’s always shut. Tonight is different.
I’m not sure what time it is. It’s probably after midnight or 2am and baby starts crying. I hear DH get up and try to be soothing. Leaves the bedroom and paces the living room. Goes back into the bedroom for a bit and comes back out. Baby is super fussy and does a pretty sad cry a couple times like someone took his bottle away. I know he wants me. I’m always there every god damn night. I’m covered in a blanket does DH know I am near? I keep waiting for him to make mean remarks under his breath. He doesn’t and I stay curled up in a ball under the blanket.
DH goes to grab the blanket I have. He knows I’m here now. “Oh. Guess mommy doesn’t care that you’re crying. Of course” he goes into the bedroom and shuts the door. Immediately opens it and says my name “what”
“are you seriously sleeping right now?
“Yes”
Cue slamming door. Muttering more things. “Some fucking Mother” I felt is something that I heard but I couldn’t be sure.
It’s 5am or so I hear the baby up, go inside, take him, and give him a little milk and he falls right back to sleep. And we snuggle. It’s 630 now, and I still can’t fall back to sleep. So I get up and do my morning farm chores and get myself ready for work at noon today.
I plan to ignore DH. I don’t plan to be vindictive or spiteful. I won’t speak unless spoken to. I took off my ring and put it on the dragon. I don’t want to wear it when he makes me feel like im a terrible spouse and mother. All over a question, because something didn’t make sense, because I didn’t think of the diaper bag. He wonders why I don’t tell him things.