Am I a horrible mum?

So recently we moved interstate whilst I was pregnant with second (mum moved too), and over where we came from my sisters use to help out alot with my son, because I worked full time and also simply they loved spending time with him (only nephew in the family on my side) Well coming here closer to my partners family, I gave birth to my second son. They were super excited because they hated not having my partner here and wanted to see the kids. Well sometimes I just need a little help... a bit of a break sometimes as I get so tired and depressed. Well my mum watches the kids for me sporadically if I have appointments and sometimes my eldest stays at hers. My eldest use to stay at my partners family place at the start but not soo much anymore (doesn't bother me) but I feel so bad that whenever I need help I have to ask my mum because my partner says I shouldn't 'force' people (his family) to watch our children as they are our responsibility not anyone else's. So I never ask his family as he makes it out like I'm horrible for not being there 24/7 for my babies. Am I horrible for asking for help sometimes? Or should I stop and just do it all myself?
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No, it’s totally okay to ask for help. I can’t believe he said that honestly. Its weird that his parents don’t offer? My parents as well as others I’ve known have begged to babysit their grandkids. Yes, they’re your responsibility and I don’t think it’s okay to take advantage of the people who help you… but it’s nice every once and awhile to get away from a few minutes to enjoy the quiet, be able to get things done & collect your sanity.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I a horrible mum?

It sounds like you don’t have a very supportive partner. Everyone needs a break, even you.

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And asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of

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Your not horrible
at all.

The f
He shouldn’t be saying sht like that :unamused:

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Short answer is no. You deserve time out and I would hope your partner does his fair share. If he truly believes they are your responsibility (meaning yours and his) I would try leaving the kids with him a little more and take time out to do things for yourself and things you like to do. If he complains you’ll know he really meant your responsibility not “ours”. Start there and be sure to remind him it’s you and his responsibility if he complains, maybe that’ll motivate him to ask his family to help out more like yours has :relaxed: Good luck

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Your SPERM DONOR is NO PARTNER. Get that right. Sounds like he needs to have a talk with your local family judge, to arrange for his co-parenting duties and responsibilities to be codified. Can the unit even change a diaper? Does he even know your childs’ healthcare professionals at. all.? Dude needs to grow a pair and FATHER UP! :love_you_gesture:t4::cowboy_hat_face:

All im gonna say is…“It takes a village…” :grin:

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Tell him to stay home and do it

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Nothing wrong with asking for help

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I have 3 kids and do it all on my own it’s bloody exhausting at times. There dad works 6 days a week

Im sure your mum doesnt mind giving you a hand just dont take her for granted and make sure she knows you appreciate it…

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If HE can’t do it, maybe his family is willing to help out. Sounds like a pride issue. His issue, not yours

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Most grandparents enjoying spending time with the grandkids. My grandmother took care of my son when he was young and I was working. She loved every minute of it

That’s pathetic. I’d tell him if he won’t let me ask his family then he will have to find a way to do it. He helped make those babies too. It’s not all on the woman to figure things out like that. A woman needs a break sometimes, and it doesn’t have to e for any reason other than time for yourself. Tell him he can watch them then while you do what you need to. UGH

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There’s nothing wrong with asking for help.

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If some is willing to help with the kids I say take it.

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I’d ask for help even he doesn’t like it if you need help raising your kids it’s okay to ask for help don’t let him tell you otherwise

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Chic if you have the help take it

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As they say it takes a village to raise kids nowadays!!!

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Maybe your partners family has expressed an issue with helping and rather than saying it he’s trying to stop you from asking them. Maybe they felt like they were being asked too often.

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It sounds like your baby daddy needs to grow up about family expectations and actually help by being the partner you need. Deep down, I’m sure you know your worth and see him not pulling his weight.

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Where is your partner in all this? If he doesn’t want you asking his family, how about you go out to have a break and leave the kids with him.

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If his family wanted to see the kids they would…
One day your kids will be grown and know exactly who to walk past in the street…
My inlaws don’t bother with my kids ,my kids don’t give 2 shits about them already, let them lay the bed they made

I coudnt have made it without grandparents they need their g- parents too

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I’d rather someone ask for help , then something bad happen to them or their kids because they didn’t get the help they needed . Asking for help is nothing to ashamed of , AT ALL . My question is , when you need a moment or a break , does he watch YALLS kids for you to do that ? If not , it seems like a pride issue from him . Like maybe his family has made remarks about his lack of parenting (just the watching of kids , not parenting in general) , and he’s taking it out on you ? Or maybe he’s just avoiding you asking them because he knows how they are gonna act or what they are gonna say ? Actions speak louder than words . If you show your momma you appreciate her for what she does , and she continues to want to keep your babies , I’d just keep asking her and conversing with her about it . Just avoid that with his family all together .

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Mama you ask for all the help you need. This shit is hard! And mama needs a break too even if it’s just to go to the doctors without the littles. My mom and sisters help me out way more than I’d like to admit. My sister in law is always there to take my kids at a moments notice if I need her too. Life is crazy. Being a mom is hard if you have people that are willing to help and be your support then by all means use that help and support. I draw the line at help and baby sitting if I want a day off from my kids and want to go shopping alone I pay my family. If I have an appointment or need to hit the grocery store quickly I don’t. Date nights I pay for child care a weekend away I pay for my child care. But if they are simply just helping me out so I can go to an appointment or taking the kids for a single hour so I can catch up on house work or even a nap because I’m exhausted or I’m ready to snap and not being my best mom I take the help. Because I as a mom need the help to be the best Mother I can be for my girls. :two_hearts:

You are asking for help it’s only normal, we all need a break once in a while. Don’t let him make you feel bad about it x

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You moved to be near his family. Do they ever offer to have the kids? Or ask if they can spend time with them?

Tell him he is absolutely right u shouldn’t have to ask for help so tell him that he his to get off his arse and help you instead , don’t even give him a bloody choice get yourself ready and take your mum out for lunch or something and tell him he will be watching the children and leave the house and go have a break and enjoy yourself and do that a couple of times a month if u can , the children are not just your responsibility they are his also

You shouldn’t need any help from either side…that’s YOUR HUSBAND’S JOB

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Where’s your husband? He is the one who needs to find the solution not the in-laws.

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We all need help and support when our kids are small because as amazing as it is its also relentless! Maybe a weekly baby sister for you to have a break if his family aren’t keen.to help or maybe talk to them and explain you d like the help /support. Meanwhile your husband is a bit of a prick

I wouldn’t ask from help from anyone but your husband. As he said the children are you and his responsibility!

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Leave the kids with his ass then . Take a break . Let’s see how fast he changes his mind lol

Nobody should do it alone…

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What about a babysitter

Have him watch the kids while you have some you time. Take a bath and nap or something. But if he worries more about his family he needs to step in.

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sometimes is coo moms needs breaks but all the time …no

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Depends on how much you asked. I am happy to do pickups or babysitting so parents can have a date night or have them over for a weekend every month but I have children, a husband and a home too.
It’s stressful. It’s tiring. So, be honest with yourself. How much are asking for help? If it’s alot what can you reschedule or work around?
We all need a break but I’d ask him if they felt you were abusing it. What many seem normal bc of your sisters may not be how they operate. That’s ok, we all do things different but I’ve learned, before I get pissy, did I help create the problem…

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Your partner can give you a break and f he says no I’d say you knew how much my mom helped out and now we moved and I expect the same.

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It takes a village to raise a child, you absolutely need help! I couldn’t do this patenting thing on my own.

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There is NOTHING wrong with you allowing your children to spend time with their grandparents. There is an old saying, it takes a village, for a reason. No one can be a parent 24/7 365 without some help along the way. Do not allow someone else make you feel that you are less of a Momma ever. You are doing a great job.

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Some of y’all couldn’t be single parents with no help at all…

If you cannot handle your kids. You don’t need them. I’m a single mom of four. My kids go to school. The older two work

Your “break” from them is them going to school and you going to work. After that there doesn’t need a break.

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The fact your hubby makes you feel like this for asking for help, he’s an a$$ for that. Is he picking up the slack at times that you need help? Or is he just letting you do it on your own? If you need help ask. Hell I’d even be as petty to talk to his mom about it too. I’m sure she’ll see it in a whole different light. Grandma’s normally love being around their grandchildren and wouldn’t blink an eye at helping out. Hubby just sounds like he’s got a bit of a complex when it comes to his family.

Um, why doesn’t he help? It sounds like you’re the one who does the watching, etc.

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I would find a backup babysitter. We have a couple. A break for a parents is wildly important.

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Your partner should help then.

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It’s not ok to abuse/take advantage of someone’s willingness to help and it’s not ok to resent his family because they’re not automatically jumping in to take your kids.

Ultimately your children are your responsibility. They are dependent on you -the parents- and they have needs that have to be met whether you’re depressed or not. That’s just a reality of being a parent.

It’s ok to need help. Really it is. Everyone does at some point or another.
But I would look at the frequency and duration of what you’re trying to ask for…maybe it looks like it’s less of a need and more of just a want.

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Every one needs a break now and then.

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Why isn’t your husband helping give you a break

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What about your partner? He’s not helpless get him to watch them

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Absolutely not. All moms need help and break sometimes. It’s ok to ask someone to watch them from time to time

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Everyone needs a break chick. You are in no way shape or form a bad parent over needing the help.

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Stop having kids by him

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Make his ass watch them! He’s a parent too

Your partner should be helping you.

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I have 6 kids and get a break as you call it alone time with hubby once every 4 to 6 months. Because baby sitters for 6 kids is hard to find. Now you hubby should be helping u with that and his family if asked once in a great while wouldnt mind. It sounds like you go to your mom for everything maybe she needs a break to? Dad needs to start helping. But again I never get out so let me know how that goes.v

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sounds like dad does not spend alone time with hie son. he should help not lecture you
all moms need a break once in a while…

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As long as you’re not abusing the help they are giving you. You shouldn’t feel upset or bad that they are not automatically saying yes to taking care of YOUR child/children. You are their mother, they depend of you and their father. That is what being a parent is all about, taking care, loving, providing and guiding their.

I’m not saying you’re wrong for asking for help, but you shouldn’t be upset when someone says No. Ultimately the kids have parents, and they are your responsibility.

Probably your partner is the type of person who doesn’t like asking for help when it comes to his kids. I agree with him because I am the same way. I have 5 kids of my own I take care of without the help of anyone. When I am tired or depressed or frustrated I wait until the kids are asleep to have my time which usually consist of a hot shower, some tv time and then bed.

Not to sound harsh, but you decided to have kids, you should have known the responsibility behind it. If you had kids with the mind set that others were going to help you (besides their father) then you shouldn’t have any more children.

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It’s going to depend on who you ask lol. A lot of ppl are really wild about this. They say things well they are your kids, you shouldn’t have had them if you can’t deal with them, no one owes you a break or any help, i do it all by myself, and other degrading remarks. Not everyone can get by without some help. Some ppl can. My mother did. She worked 60 hours a week, sometimes more at.time 2 and 3 jobs, right now she has 3. Theres nothing wrong with letting someone watch your kids if they are willing so you can go to apt or clean your house or just take a nap. We all know once you have kids you don’t sleep right until they are 3 or 5. If you have more than one kid that could mean crappy sleep for 10 years or longer. I have 4 kids between the ages of 13 and 5 and I haven’t got to sleep past 6 or 7am for 10 years. I changed shitty diapers every single day for one kid or another for 11 years straight. Think about that. Thats crazy. Yes it was my choice to have these children but that doesn’t mean I don’t need some help and should have to let my own physicaland mental health deteriorate from being constantly on the go for my kids. Yiu can’t be a good mom if you’re not in a good place. You can’t keep pouring from an empty cup. My youngest just started school this year. I’ve been home with kids for 13 years. Thats a long time to wait for a break because not everyone has help like I did and plenty of ppl have kids in that age range. My mom used to be a lot more involved in helping me raise my kids when they were younger. I was a single mother of 3 for a year and a single mother of 4 for 2 years when my husband was in prison… it was really hard. I needed help. She was always there. I couldn’t take 4 kids grocery shopping every week… plus 2 of my kids have autism. One was very very trying for a lot of years. I was in tears daily with him… no one would babysit my kids specifically because of that one child… it made it impossible for me for 10 years to ever get a real break. Help yes but a break not really very often… My family used to say things like “oh my God he is the reason ppl beat their kids, I just can’t handle him at all” and I always had to deal with him alone. It was so hard. I always had him with almost no break because his behavior was so foul for so many years… they always praised me for my undying patience with him but inside I was truly screaming and dying slowly. For the last 3 years it’s been me and my husband and my mom has been able to step back. He’s amazing with the kids and watching them anytime I need if he’s not at work. He doesn’t clean at all but he feeds them and takes care of them anf plays with them. He works all day but nights, weekends, days off he never has an issue staying home with our kids while I do whatever I have to do. He watches my difficult son with no problem too… My mom has been able to step way back for the other kids for the last 3 years and she gets to live her life without me needing her help with kids so much. She deserves that. She does love her grandkids and they all think she hangs the moon and stars but she wants her time for her now… she spent my entire life caring for her children and then her children’s children… and she had no help… she was super woman. I never in my life ever heard my mom ask for a break let alone know that she even needed one, and never did she EVER get one. It’s only been the last few years that I have been able to understand that. Even when she needed a break she never got one, she never once complained or made a deal of it, and when she knew I needed a break she helped me like she was made of steel. Not everyone can do that. I came from this woman and I could never do what she’s done for 30 plus years. She’s just finally starting to get a break. Its fine to ask for help. You should never feel bad about it. But also try to think of who your asking. Do they need a break too? Find a balance. When you have an infant, once a week or 2 weeks for a few hours or an overnight is not too much unless it’s the sitters only free day. Your husband should help more too though. If you’re tired he should watch his kids so you can take a nap so they don’t need to go to his family or your moms. Maybe he has an issue because he knows he should be watching them nit his family and he just doesn’t want to. It’s not fair for him to expect you to do everything for the kids by yourself. If he won’t even help watch them when you need a Break he has no right demanding that you watch them literally 24/7. He won’t watch them at all but expects you to? That’s nonsense

You are not horrible for asking for help. Your hub sounds like he has too high pride.we all know pride goes before the fall. What is family for anyway! To love you and yours and love is supportive. I’d talk to his family privately and ask them how they feel. Maybe they want to be asked.

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There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. Your partner needs to get his head out of his ass if he thinks that you don’t need a break every now and then.

That’s the problem these days no"Village" most people with children are burnt out from having to work 8 + hours on top of kids, house work, bills, groceries, appointments plus so much more… some people need respite from it all to let loose. Our parents had more freedoms to do so than any parents these days :woman_shrugging:t2: because as a kid I remember being at my grandparents house very often while my parents went on date nights, vacations ect. From the sounds of it hubs needs to be more present and stop putting it all on you. :thinking: Not sure what his issue is with asking his family for a little help but whatever it is , he needs to swallow it and start working together as a team to make this work. It’s about teamwork ,making a life and raising decent people . Not putting it all on mom.

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hubby helped make the kids he should help you. mom’s need breaks as well.

Absolutely not! if you need help ask, so you don’t get burned out also that’s a huge red flag on his part,

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I never have help or get a break it’s overwhelming sometimes but you get used to it.

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Hopefully he gives you breaks when he isn’t at work because I’d never be with a man that didn’t take his own kids so I could have breaks to do things myself.

And if he doesn’t work but also doesn’t give you breaks kick him to the curb.

Sounds like your husband wants you tied to the house, not to be seen alone as a woman…but always tied too the kids… resentment will set in if your not allowed too spread your wings and fly solo at times…

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Yeah well there are alot of mothers who don’t get breaks when Dad is off working.

It takes a village has apparently been washed out years ago.

He’s definitely the one who is wrong. You aren’t forcing anything, you are offering time for your children to spend with their grandparents. It’s good to build that bond with them, and also helps your children learn independence from you. Being with mom or dad 24/7 is not healthy. They should experience other environments without you. Your partner is emotionally manipulating you and it’s really shitty of him.

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Everyone needs help or just alone time sometimes.

Well… Here’s how you test it. Book you a weekend trip when he’s off work. Those kids are just as much his responsibility too. When you get back, you’ll know if he means it… or if he’s just a controlling a$$hat.

Ofcos you need a break…as much as we moms are referred to as superwomen, even we get tired, even we need alil time just to ourself to refuel. Remember, you cant pour from an empty cup, take the break mom, u need it, we all need it.

Sorry but your husband is wrong. If his family doesn’t mind he shouldn’t either. Ask for help! Take help that’s offered! All momma’s need help at times and just because you do need a break does not make you a bad mom. The fact that you’re worried it does shows what a good mom you are :slightly_smiling_face: