Am I being difficult when I say I don’t want his mother picking up my daughter

I was in a relationship with my baby’s dad for 3 1/2 years. He abused me heavily and the cops got involved 2 times and I finally left him back in August. He was a wonderful father when we were together, it was me he didn’t treat good at all. Ever since august he’s barely come around our daughter and I’ve had to file for Medicaid for her as my job doesn’t offer insurance and he had refused to insure her, the state took over and is filing child support, which at the time I had no idea it would do, it was a surprise to me when I got a letter in the mail stating they were going to pursue it, he didn’t like that and gave me a nasty phone call saying I chose this. Now the state reopened the domestic assault case against him and he has been even more uncooperative with his daughter. He hardly sees her, doesnt message me hardly at all when he does decide to come get her, and now he is adamant on me letting his mother pick my daughter up, his mother never defended me when he was hurting me mentally and physically, she has always babied him even though he’s in his mid twenties. I’ve had to apply for a second job because in the meantime I’ve received nothing for my daughter and I can’t afford anything, I just wanted him to step up and watch her so I can make money and save money. It’s never been an issue before for him to pick her up, but now he’s making excuses to why he can’t and that he needs his mother to get her. Am I being difficult when I say I don’t want his mother picking up my daughter? I don’t trust her at all..
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I being difficult when I say I don’t want his mother picking up my daughter

Nope not all we have to protect our babies and if we think someone is not safe to be around our kids then they are not safe.

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He was probably advised to keep his distance from you until after the assault case is over.

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She probably doesn’t have custody so she has no rights :thinking: to pick her up

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He can’t be beating you AND be a good father. Why would you want him to watch her and risk him doing that to her?

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Sounds like yall are toxic and he is making an effort. I’d let her

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If he is a good father and the mother is also good to your child I don’t see the problem. If he is abusive to you it is probably best to have a third party so you don’t have to deal with him.

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I would say, you should apply for daycare assistance with the state and not count on him to watch your daughter. With the way he is acting, it doesn’t sound like it will be a reliable situation for you, which could also jeopardize your jobs. If you do not feel comfortable being around his mother, than you are not being “difficult”. He is still being controlling indirectly by trying to make his own stipulations on the situation that is more convenient for him. I’ve been through this too. You’ve got this! You don’t need to be in any circumstance you feel uncomfortable and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for that either.

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I would trust the grandmother more than the abusive baby daddy. Just saying. If you need to work a 2nd job and need help, maybe just let the lady watch her granddaughter and be happy about it.

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When you left a relationship because of abuse you tell your worker you need to claim good cause because if he gets papers for child support which they’re only going to put an order against him for like $100 but to avoid any abuse or to keep your and your child out of danger claim good cause and show papers of court and his charges if they even ask to see proof and then you won’t have to deal with that. I’m sorry nobody told you this before. They should make this stuff known… call the office and tell them this… I hope everything works out I know it’s not easy having a child with an abusive a hole….

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I don’t think you’re being difficult, it’s your daughter and you need to protect her and keep her safe, if you don’t feel comfortable with something go with your gut and stick to it. Also, not sure about your state but I know my state helps with day care. I’m not sure how old your child is and I know this pandemic has made every thing very difficult. I would just stay away from him then… seems like anything involving him is bad news…

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His mother doesn’t have visitation and or rights to visitation. If you have reservations that’s your call.

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Its best he’s not near you. You can’t fight if he’s not there. Its for your safety too, which I would think would be a good thing. I’ve gotta say, it’s odd to me he is the one who abused you, not his mother, and you’re okay with him coming to get his child, but not his mother. This is just extra messy for no reason. You made no mention of his mother actually being negligent, or abusive so I don’t see the problem.

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While the assault charges are being dealt with you should ask for supervised visitation sessions until he completes counciling and anger management, remember you are in control of everything involving your daughter, he did this to himself

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OMG some of these comments! Yes, let’s blame the victim and not the abuser and his enabling mother. Personally, I would not trust either one of them. Talk to DHS about child care assistance and food stamps if you need help. And if the state has reopened the domestic assault case, then see about a restraining order. Also, document everything and record every phone call with both of them and see if the court can appoint you a lawyer when you have to go. Chances are that he start to abuse that little child as they get older now that you are no longer around for him to abuse and control, and his mother will stand by and make excuses for him. Try to do what you can now before it gets worse.

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I’d think you’d rather her pick the baby up and watch her over him. If he was abusive to you it’s a matter of time before your child does something to set him off especially if his so upset about the child support men have killed babys over that. It sounds like you still have feelings honestly and it sounds like his moved on and has someone else.

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He can’t be a good dad if he’s abusing the mother of his child. That damage of living in that kind of environment is far reaching. Honestly consult a lawyer and don’t hand her over unless you have to. There’s no custody order so just don’t bc what happens when he keeps her just to hurt you? Trusting someone who backs an abuser is never a good idea.

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Make sure you get a parenting plan in place legally because without one he can take your kid and not return the kid. In it you can add his family members cannot pick up your kid without prior written consent.

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Just remember that in a lot of places if there isnt a custody order put in place by the courts then they can take her and not give her back. Im not joking…you can give her to him to watch while you are at work and it might take you months to get her back. Make sure you have a custody paperwork. Even an order for temporary custody. Your local domestic violence center will help you

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So you don’t care that he gets the child still, you just want him to pick up the child and not the mother? Makes no sense that you would make that a problem? If you’re okay with the abuser picking the child up, I don’t see what the problem would be letting his mom? Would you rather see him I take it?

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You’re worried about the mother? You should be worried about the father more! At this point he’s more harmful to her then supportive forget him you already got child support and services apply for daycare assistance. Call the dv shelter even if you don’t want to stay there they got resources and groups to help you thru this and to make support n friends from others In similar situations

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For safety reasons it might be better the mother picking her up to avoid confrontation…

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If she’s not a danger to the child, I would let her; you then wouldn’t have to see him.

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I’d ask the court or DCS for supervised visitation visits. His mother cannot be there. And if he doesn’t show up, u have sole custody, and he still has to pay child support. If u have papers about the domestic abuse, take them with u to DCS, and explain that it’s best for everyone if the visits are supervised.

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Question is the reason you don’t trust the grandmother because she didn’t take your side? Maybe she is also afraid of him so she caters to his needs, so he won’t retaliate on her. Just a thought. But if there are other reasons you don’t trust her then ya I wouldn’t want that either and if he wants to be difficult it only looks bad for him in the end make sure you document everything. But if the Gramma has never hurt your child in any way I wouldnt worry about if he or she picks your kid up. Well maybe him cuz he abused you and could harm you while picking up your kid from you.

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If he has a history of abuse, I would ask the courts for supervised visits! If rhe mother isn’t going to defend you, then she likely won’t defend your daughter. Why take the chance that he takes his anger out on her at some point?

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Why don’t you trust her i think I would rather her pick her up then someone who was abusing me

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You shouldn’t trust him either

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Because of the abuse I would have supervised visitation through the court. Talk to your case worker

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Sometimes it’s better for another family member to pick up child it saves drama

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He has a new gf. Lol.

Anyways. No. Mom wouldnt be picking up my child. And he’d be having supervised visits by someone we both agreed on, due to his abusive past, and nonchalant in and out appearances. Goodluck.

Why tf can’t his mom take him to get her? He is definitely attempting to manipulate for whatever reason. Nah he can come get his kid his damn self. If he was super involved I’d say differently. He’s not though, and now he’s trying to rope mom in to do his dirty work. What an ass.

You need to go to court. Stop being bitter and controlling. As the judge told me doesn’t matter who picks the child up, even his girlfriend as long as the child is safe!

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So you want the person who supposedly abused you to pick her up n be close to you?
In WA state, can’t speak for other states, a judge would question that…
It’s setting up a potential dangerous situation for all parties n more importantly child…

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Follow your gut instinct. My husbands parents gave me 12 years of hell on earth and after we had our daughter they would disregard anything I said and on multiple occasions they put her in a situation that was dangerous. Eventually I’d had enough and we have now cut all ties with them. I’m sad that my kiddo is missing out on a relationship with them but I don’t trust them one bit and my gut tells me I’m doing the right thing so I’ll carry on how I am. Don’t let anyone else sway your decision. You know deep down what the right thing to do is, so do that. Good luck, you got this Mama :two_hearts:

If he is too busy to pick her up who will n\be looking after her???

Follow your instincts

The government is involved and the law is that child support has nothing to do with visitation and visa versa. They are 2 separate things. As long as grandma has never caused any harm to the child in anyway in the past then let her pick her up. You always need to show how much you tried to work with him in case he tries to cause trouble. You will look better that way.

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Yeah you are being difficult. Petty. He doesn’t want to deal with you and I don’t blame him. Neither of you should be in contact with each other unless expressly about your daughter. He’s trying to be mature, you need to grow up.

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Why would you want him picking her up. I’d rather the mother!!

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Don’t trust her? I wouldn’t trust him either, especially him. He’s the one who has abused you and abandoned your child.

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Yes you are, why would you want to see your abuser daily? Atleast he/they want to see her & court could possibly rule its best she picks her up anyway!

I would think that’s a better arrangement

Nope. Don’t let her go unless there’s a court order for custody in place. They could keep her and not give her back to you.

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If there’s no court order I wouldn’t do it. And you guys can mutually choose a pick up/drop off person or meet at a police station if he really doesn’t want to deal with you

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Actually the court my find it in you best interest to have his mother pick her up for your safety or request you guys meet in a public place.

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Trust your gut… If you don’t feel right about it do let her pick your daughter up. Your intuition is 100% correct 100% of the time…

Sounds like you still want to see him. Like you still have feelings for him even though he abused you😒 Why? Why would you want to have to see or deal with him if he put you through so much. You’d think by the grandma being willing to pick your child up that you’d be relieved and/or grateful so you don’t have to face him

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Apply for CCAP and work while your child is in daycare.

If it’s on his time you don’t get to choose. His time is his time. Trying to manage his time isn’t co parenting

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Yes you are being difficult. Anyone that your child trust is allowed to pick them up, gma would qualify, get over it

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I totally understand how you feel and why. Have you ever considered what your daughter wants? I’m sure she wants to spend time with her dad and grandma. Please put your feelings aside And think about her. It’s not about you. It’s not about him. It’s about your daughter

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Wait until there is a court order in place. That way when they visit, they need to bring her back. Otherwise they can just keep her. In the state where I live the parent who has physical custody of the child has custody until a court order is in place. My ex took my kids for dinner and never brought them back. I had to take him to court to get my kids.

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My question would be, is the grandmother mean or nasty to her granddaughter? If not, let her pick her up. I am sure she would love to see her granddaughter, As for the state taken over after you applies for Medicaid, that is normal, they are going to want him to pay for her care. And they will watch him, look at his tax filing, etc If he doesn’t make much, they can’t take him for all of that, but they do expect him to help, even if it’s a little bit. That is not your doing. Now I will say, as a single mom for 2 little kids/babies when I left my husband, there was no money to be saved. We managed, Yes, there was not a lot, But there was always a roof over our head & food on the table, I did go back to college & got a better career, but took me a while, My kids are now grown & they gave me grandkids :slight_smile:

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If I were you just give him your daughter. If she will have a better care I should do that meanwhile work as much as you can then build your life and future so when time comes you can have your daughter living well with you.

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Are you insane?
I wouldn’t trust her at all, but how in the hell are you going to not trust her but trust him!? You think an abuser only hurts their chosen victim? No! If an abuser hates their victim, they will harm anything that can get back at them. That includes children.

You’re better off filing for full custody and having them wiped from the child’s life entirely.

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If the state has reopened the domestic case against him, I guarantee you that his public defender would be telling him to send his mother to pick up the child and him stay far away from you.

A court will tell you that you are being unreasonable saying his mother can’t pick her up, especially after her father has been abusive towards you and the child has a relationship with her grandmother. You should be relieved that he is staying away.

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Perhaps you can arrange someone you know and trust that can drop her off and pick her up then . I went through it with my ex it was always me having to do the dropping off and running around even whilst not well for a lot of the time , he didn’t make any effort . I don’t know how it goes with the courts and stuff where you live if he was to bring up he wanted his mum to pick her up , if you object you would have to probably have valid justification as to why you don’t trust the woman and want her too not pick up your child . May I suggest that you keep a diary of everything that happens and is said etc . Date , time , place . I know In Australia you can record conversations as long as you are a part of that conversation and can use that for evidence . I use to be in the police service and would always give this advise as you never know when your notes or evidence may be needed . Also try and communicate everything in writing if possible so you can keep a record easier .

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Unless grandma is a threat to the child, I don’t see an issue. Your feelings towards him and his mother are irrelevant! My son is 13, he hasn’t seen his biological father in 11 years. We’re currently in the process of my husband adopting him, but even though his biological father has nothing to do with him, his biological fathers family still sees him pretty regularly. I’m not going to hold what his biological father does against his family. I would ensure that there is a custody/visitation order in place though, because if the grandmother picks her up, and her father takes her and doesn’t bring her back, there isn’t much you can do without a court order. Your feelings about your ex and his mother are irrelevant. Your priority is the child and her well being.

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I’d say the mom picking up is a safety thing on his behalf since the charges is reopened.

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File for custody first so they can’t keep your daughter from you. Then go from there. As for the grandma… wait until after custody. But remember… just because she didn’t defend you, shouldn’t involve your daughter. If she’s good to her, shouldn’t matter.

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Make him take you to court for a visitation schedule.as for a babysitter lots of stay at home moms would love the chance to make extra income post in pre k classes ,headstart , elementary school .in most states there are government programs to help pay your babysitter

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some states offer child care when you get benefits check into that. tell the grandma she can see your daughter when she is with her father and tell him he is the only one that can pick her up. Once he has her you have no say if he drops her off at his mom’s and leaves her til time for her to come back to you.

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Like legally and all that it’s supposed to be him that picks up and drops off. If he doesn’t come for her himself you can refuse the grandma. It’s not grandma’s time its his time therefore it’s his responsibility to be there during pick up and handle it if the 3rd party isn’t acceptable. Like if you have a MUTAL agreement then it’s perfectly fine for grandma to come get them. But if you object ESPECIALLY because you don’t trust her, you can deny her when she comes to pick up. You both have to have a mutual agreement for pick up and drop off or it doesn’t work. But you need to get a custody agreement going so you have papers to lean on when he wants to act up. However if there are circumstances where he can’t get them for some reason then every now and then he may need a 3rd party. I mean you might one day too. I’d pick my battles carefully, but when you go to start custody papers inform your lawyer as to why you don’t trust the grandma. When it comes to my stepkids i don’t handle that at all. I absolutely refuse to pick up and drop off because she loves to say that I have no say when it comes to the kids but allows her bf say in things, so fine. I wash my hands of the pick ups and drop offs to not only make things harder for her on occasion, (because sometimes it would easier for me to get them or drop them off) but to ensure that we don’t fight or anything of the sort. I let their dad handle it so it goes smoothly. When it comes to my son, I usually handle the picking up and dropping off as well. Occasionally my bf will take him out to his dad for me if I’m not feeling well but I handle it like 98% of the time and under no circumstances does his new wife handle pick ups or drop offs.

First off if he abused u y would u even think about letting her go with grandma n dad they may do it to her just to get to u

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If there is an open domestic violence/abuse case he definitely doesn’t need to be around your daughter. He will hurt her too and it can come back to bite you that you are allowing your abuser to be unsupervised with your daughter. Dfacs will get involved. Do whatever it takes to protect her.

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Once a mama’s boy… I wouldn’t trust either of them. Definitely pursue YOUR rights to support. Document every threat. Write it down. It sounds like you will be back in court. Good luck

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You’re being silly. You don’t trust his mother? so you’d rather have contact with a man whose abused you and been violent to meet and exchange your child? You should be meeting at the police station to exchange the child all this time and have a restraining order against him. Thankfully the court is taking action since you’re unable to see what you should be doing as an example to your child to anyone that would put their hands on your daughter. If you don’t trust his mother let family court know why and a safe person you agree upon can be the person you exchange the child with.

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I would not be letting my kid go with any of them if he wants to see her have him take you to court.

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I would think it would be more reasonable for the grandma to pick up and drop off. If I were you, I wouldn’t ever want to see him at my house. Communication on he phone or by text message about your daughter is enough. If you need to tape pick up and drop off’s because you don’t trust her then do so. But it’s probably better for everyone if he stays away from you.

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Usually when people make their own beds to lay in….they bring a comfortable pillow…you are the momma what you say goes that’s my opinion

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Most court orders will state that a competent adult that he appoints can pick the child up. Sounds like you’re being difficult based on your personal emotions. If there were a standard court order in place he could send his mom every time and he’d be doing nothing wrong. Seems like you’re trying to force confrontation.

Yes, to me you’re being difficult. The man has an open case and tbh sounds like he’s being careful by having a third party pick up his daughter. That’s smart considering the situation. Most court orders say that he can send a competent adult to do pick ups. And honest question, why are you taking the anger on the mother for defending him and not on your abuser, sounds like you rather see him again.

He’s trying to protect himself. With the case reopened, I’m surprised there wasn’t a no contact set in place. A mother’s first instinct is to protect her young, and that is for any animal species- not just human. As long as she’s not treating your child poorly, I don’t necessarily see the issue with having a third party there to meditate pick up & drop off’s. When my oldest was young, we met at the police station & would have to call and request an officer for civil stand-by’s. I feel what he is asking, is literally providing as much protection for yourself, as it does him.

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Your going to have to figure out visiting it’s his kid too And he has to pay support get as much as you can don’t wimp out on that know one is saying poor you so don’t say poor him

I would not trust either of them. And until there is a formal visitation letter from the court you don’t have to deal with either one of them. Go to CPS or whatever it’s called it your state and fill out the required paperwork for Daycare Vouchers. They should even be able to help you find a center that will take them. Also apply for SNAP benefits and WIC if your child is under 5. There is a lot of help out there for single mothers. My ex is in month 3 of not paying child support and is mad at me every time I bring it up. Like yours my ex was also abusive toward me the difference is I have 4 children with him and two of them are teenagers who want nothing to do with their father and their father acts completely ignorant as to why. I had to hire a lawyer and make sure that everything was done correctly because I don’t trust my ex or anyone in his family. A word of advice do not take phone calls only communicate in text or email as everything is written and you have a paper trail. You do not be ugly with him, but if he is with you you can show that to your case worker since the domestic violence case was reopened. I wish you all all the best as I know you are in a very difficult situation.

Check with CPS and local law enforcement. This woman knew about the abuse and did not help you. Be safe, and do it by the letter of the law. Somehow some way it will come back to bite him and maybe her, too.

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YOU as an adult were helpless against BBDDY and his mom … think how much more-so your child is helpless against them
I would not allow it -
YOU are all she has, to keep her safe, right?

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Unreal! Yes, your being difficult & more… Encourage the grandparent/s to be in her life, welcome them & stop pushing them away. She &/or they love her, she will NEVER get too much love in her life. It’s simply not about you or the Dad for that matter, the true victim/s are always these precious Children. Let go of your control before you push her loved ones away.

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Nope. If it’s not in a court order I would not do anything. Keep your baby safe and protected to make sure she comes back to you every time!

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When my ex and I ended our relationship, he ended it with our son too. However his mom adores my son and has kept our relationship going, supported my marriage and my daughter like another grandchild. Sometimes taking the middle person out, like the ex, can lead to a beautiful positive relationship with the child’s Gran. Children need to know where they come from and their blood if possible. Maybe not having him involved will help your relationship with the Mom and help grow the relationship between Gran and granddaughter.

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Don’t let her, he can or you can find a part time sitter.

Who cares who picks her up as long as that side of your daughters family ate involved.

Your still caught in domestic violence mentality. It takes to two people to keep that situation alive. I was in a violent relationship and when your not thinking clearly you will create stories to be able to see them again.

It’s literally drug seeking behavior. Love is the most toxic drug in the world sometimes. Sounds like your creating a scenario where your only able to work if he does what you say otherwise you will “fail” and it will be his fault hoping he will feel badly and just fix his family instead. That’s how abuse cycles work. Dad beats mom. Mom tries to leave and struggles to cut ties. Dad regains control…. Been there done that. You need counseling and daycare :heart:

Yes, you are. You listed no reason for your decision.

Sounds like they are trying and you might have to meet them half way for the child to have a relationship with her father which you’ve said is not the issue here,it’s more an issue to you that you and your ex don’t get along… so if he’s a good dad let him dad with the help he needs from his family and support circle…I’m sure the more they have to do with your daughter the more they will contribute to her not just emotionally but financially because they can physically see their money and time going into this wee girl

You do whatever you have to to keep your baby safe! Always trust your mother instincts! Also, I would keep track of all messages with him and his mom incase you can use them in court if needed. Also keep a journal of what he does and doesn’t do for your child. I hope things get better for you and your kiddo! Good luck mama! :crossed_fingers::crossed_fingers::crossed_fingers:

Is visitation court ordered? If not I’d cut off all contact. You are not obligated to allow him near her without a court order. Get a restraining order & add 3rd party contact to it. FOLLOW THE RESTRAINING ORDER. if he violates it call the cops. If he files for visits get a lawyer. You can ask the lawyer to request that he’s ordered to pay them. Tell the lawyer of the abuse. Request supervised visits, parent education & therapy for him.

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So you trust the man that abused you to the point of police being involved but you don’t trust his mom because she gave birth to him ? Or because she didn’t stand up for you when even you weren’t standing up for you …… yea unreasonable

If there is not a court order, then do not do anything until there is. Apply for childcare through the state so you can work. Toxic is toxic. When or if visitation is given, have supervised visitation

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He’s probably having his mother pick her up as a third party, so he can’t be accused of anything, since theirs a past (DV) history between you two…?

Maybe agree to meet at a public safe place/near by police station for the swapping of your child?

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Yes you are. If she loves her and wouldn’t hit her.

You say he’s a good dad and you have no issues with him being around your kid even though the police have been involved because of domestic violence but you have an issue with his mom picking up your kid all because she didn’t stand up for you yet never did anything to hurt you or your kid? That makes no sense at all and you are just being difficult and high conflict. It sounds like you just want to control the situation and if he doesn’t do what you want you are just ģoing to make it hard on him.

It depends on if you are in contact with her when your daughter is with her … So many questions… Like does she keep you updated sometimes ? Does she send you pics? Does she buy her things and is she well fed and looked after? Does she wash her clothes or send it dirty back to you… Or does she chat to you when dropping her off? It would totally depend on his mom’s behavior…

No. If there is no custody agreement in place I wouldn’t let him see her at all. I’m a domestic abuse survivor. That shit is horrible. I’d never have let ex around my kids.