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QUESTION:
"My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months, we’ve known each other for 20 years. Before him, I was single for almost 8 years. I left my daughter’s bio dad when I was 6 months pregnant; he was an abusive alcoholic and cheated nonstop. I stayed single because I really don’t mind being alone and felt that my energy was best used to take care of my daughter. Flash forward to now, my boyfriend lives with me and my daughter. I work long days starting at 6am until 5pm. My boyfriend doesn’t go to work until 9 and gets done around 3 (construction business) most days. He puts my daughter on the bus every day. I’m a homebody…enjoy being lazy! In addition to 55 hour work weeks, I’m a grad student. When I get home from work, I make dinner and usually get into my pjs for the evening. I go to bed around 9. My boyfriend doesn’t come to bed until close to midnight. He has horrible ADHD and can’t sit still. He’s usually running errands every evening for his mother, grandmother, or sister. Or he’s finding something to keep him busy. I prefer to veg out in front of the tv after my daughter is fed. Also, he takes medication that leaves our sex life less than desirable, not horrible, but maybe once a week. He has little to no interest and is content with once a week, while I’m practically developing a complex because I’m used to my relationships being based on a lot of sex (which I know is not healthy) My question is, is it weird that after only 6 months we’re rarely having sex and spending very little time together during the week. Do you and your S/O go to bed at the same time every night? Am I being to needy and asking for too much? We spend time together on the weekends as a family and then usually watch a movie after my daughter goes to bed. On top of all of this, I planned a weekend getaway for his birthday this coming weekend and thought we could have some nice kid-free romantic time. I even booked a really nice suite with a jacuzzi tub in the bedroom. I miscalculated and my period will be coming tomorrow or Friday, I’m already cramping. I’m totally bummed and when I mentioned that I was disappointed that this weekend wasn’t going to be exactly what I had hoped for, he got really mad and accused me of only ever thinking about sex. Am I asking too much?"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"Okay well for starters… if he’s on medication then he really can’t do anything about how it makes him feel. I’m 8 months pregnant & I literally have no desire to have sex. In my personal opinion it’s nothing against you (the partner) there’s just no desire for it. My husband and I do not go to bed at the same time every night. I normally fall asleep around 10-ish, and wake up around 8ish. My husband works in landscaping with his own hours so he won’t go to bed until maybe around 2 in the morning and wake up around 10am. I think it’s kind of weird he’ll spend so much time running errands for his family instead of finding things at home to do, but I also don’t have experience with adhd so I’m not sure how that feels for him. I don’t think you’re being needy, what you want is all normal for people to want… maybe he just can’t or doesn’t know how to compromise with his adhd."
"You are very different and live different lives… it doesn’t change in 10 years it will still be the same… so if your not happy maybe you are better just staying friends…"
"I don’t think you’re asking too much, but I also think that you sound like you’re wanting more out of the relationship than he can give. It does kind of sound that you’re basing your relationship on physical touch, and there is nothing wrong with that if that is what your love language is. However, it doesn’t sound like that is his. Romantic get always do not have to be about sex, and it does seem like that was your intentions with it and not just to spend time with your SO."
"I dont believe you are. You’re entitled to your wants and needs in a relationship, but he is too. That’s where compromise comes into play. My ex and I would go to bed at the same time and he would wait until I fell asleep then he would get back up and do his own thing. As far as the sex thing have you talk to him about it? Explain why. I found when I talked to my ex about how I felt he would find ways every once in a while to pur himself in the mood… Relationships are full of compromises"
"I had to stop reading when you called his adhd horrible. Adhd is an issue of executive functioning and it’s not horrible. Adults and children can learn skills to adapt with society and it requires a very understanding and knowledgeable (of adhd) person to be with someone with adhd or has children with adhd. It is not horrible. Adhd medication affects your ability amd want to have sex, but there’s other ways to be intimate. If you are with someone with adhd you need to read lots of books and research adhd as it’s actually quite a brilliant thing to have."
"You can have sex in water when you’re on your period."
"Oof… so you might actually have a form of trauma from past relationships being based around sex, and now that you have someone who’d rather just have you and not your body, you’re not sure what to do with it… plus, y’all are just in the baby stages of your relationship… if you’re not satisfied, maybe get a toy? But your life actually sounds both normal and happy… Also, as someone else with ADHD, I completely understand the lack in sex drive… communicate with him, ask him what he likes and doesn’t like… and find time in your schedule to just chat about life… especially with kids, you have very little time…"
"First sex ebbs and flows in relationships. I think the fact that you are letting sex dictate how you feel about this relationship bc of past relationships means therapy. Second it’s a weekend to spend time together and build intimacy that isn’t sex, the fact that he was upset and told you he thinks that’s all you care about means your hurting your relationship. No we don’t go to bed at the same time, he goes to bed at 9pm for work, I go to bed any time. Relationships are way more than sex and you need to figure this out before you drag this into every relationship. Do you even want to have sex more often or is it just bc of those prior relationships drilling it into you that it’s necc. Bc look how they turned out."
"Hello, adhd-er here. Yes, many adhd medications can affect sex drive. It’s listed on all of them as a possible side effect. In my case, the ability to get through day to day life outweighs my sex life."
"Someone not wanting sex as much as you, is not necessarily a red flag! Everyone is different. Everyone has different needs. If he is on medication, that can effect things as well. Enjoy the moment and if it happens then so be it. My heart would be more content with knowing that he cares about me and my children."
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