Am I Horribly Wrong?

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QUESTION:

"My mother-in-law is very toxic. She manipulates all of her kids to feel bad for her and is an addict. I'm not judging her because she is an addict, I just hate it because she puts that before everything and doesn't care what's in the best interest of her kids or grandkids. My husband is upset because I don't want my children at her house. I know there are drugs there and his brother, that also lives there, drinks a lot. In my husband's view, that's still his mother and he still wants a relationship with her. While I completely understand that, I feel like I need to protect my kids and my own peace from the toxicity. Am I horribly wrong?"

RELATED: Q&A: Am I Wrong For Cutting Out My Sister In Law?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.

"I don’t think you’re wrong. She’s an addict, so there’s most likely substances there and I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my child there. Kids get into everything & you just never know so I wouldn’t even put them in that situation"

"Absolutely NOT. He can go visit her but that is no place for kids. She can come see her grandkids on a common safe ground of your choosing."

"You are not wrong to want to protect your children …compromise maybe? Let them know you are coming to visit but tell them …and your husband…The first sign of drink /drug use and you leave? Husband can visit anytime he wants but not with the children?"

"Nope. Not wrong at all. They are your kids too, and you don’t need to subject your kids to being around people who abuse drugs and alcohol. My s/o mom is very similar, and my s/o also does not want her around our children."

"nope!! he can go visit her without the children."

"Depending on the drugs being used, it could be physically harmful to your children to be in an environment like that. For instance, meth residue can stay suspended in the air and stays on surfaces including walls, carpets, furniture and can even be in the heating and cooling ducts and air filters which means your children could absorb trace amounts of the drug while being there. That’s was just an example."

"If she wants to see them she can come to your house and see them"

"Go somewhere else, like dinner, or something. You don’t have to go to her house. Just a thought."

"Keep the kids away. Compromise if you want by letting them come over to your house. Let your husband know if they drink or do drugs then they will be asked to leave. If they don't you will call the cops. If it's important for them to see the kids, they will abide by the rules. If it's not then they’ll show their true colors. It will probably cause issues with your husband, but he needs to understand that you will protect your kids over making him and everyone else happy. She can see her grandkids even if its on your terms and she should be happy with that. Also depending on the drugs, they shouldn’t be there even if it's all put away and no one is high. Certain drugs can leave residue on everything that can sink in through the skin and kids touch everything."

"You are not wrong. You also need to take into account that his normal includes his mother as an addict, and he survived. Him understanding that it’s not the type of normal you want your children to inherit, and how as a family you can work together to create a safe environment for everyone involved. Maybe it’s a matter of meeting his mother on neutral territory when the kids are included. Your husband can go over to his mother’s but an understanding of why the children should not is what you need to works towards."

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