Am I in the wrong for wanting my sons to live with their dad?

It’s not wrong to feel that way. We all can feel that way but I think you might regret it maybe like do summer month(s) for a break and reassess from there.

My god this woman is asking for advice and the judgement and absolute nonsense people are coming out with. This is a page called mamas uncut. To have the strength courage to ask advice of people I say well done girl. In my other comment I said what I had to, not one person is perfect. She’s asking for advice not ignorant f#ckers making her feel worse!!!

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Do it! If its an option

Make sure you ir lawyer writes it down that you are NOT having them to their dad permanetly!!! NO telling what he will tell the. Or his family. Actually everything needs to be thru lawyer. I wouldn’t feel safe otherwise. Is start with summer tho. And want to know if he has the neans and accommodations fir them they are used to. And a reliable sitter. Have you ever tried mont.h on month off if you live in same town ? And make sure you talk to them daily. .

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Make sure it doesn’t get used against you for permanent custody. Also make sure your kids don’t think you’re abandoning them.

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Maybe a week on and a week off. Just to give you a break? I would opt against just sending them off as this may cause behaviors for them in general or upon their return. They may feel like mommy sent them away. Just a suggestion. I am well aware of the full time single mom struggle except I don’t get any relief or help. I know how hard it can be and bad for your mental health. Hope you get it figured out. Hugs mama

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If you don’t take care of you, who will and the boys need dad time. You will be a better mom for them afterwards.

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U raise them by yourself, the dad doesn’t come around much and u want to uproot your kids to live with someone who’s barely around as it is with no transition? :flushed: wanting help is one thing…one weekend here one week there… but Sending your kids to live full time with someone u claim doesn’t even contact them much, is a whole nother level

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If your children will be safe with their dad then there is nothing wrong with your plan. Let’s normalize mums not being shamed for needing help.

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First let me say, absolutely no judgements. If anything, I give you huge props for wanting to get yourself right. I’m a mom to 4 boys so trust me I understand. That being said, the only thing concerning is you stated you’ve been doing it on your own for “many” years, and that he don’t have any contact with them. If this man is not someone who is capable of even maintaining a relationship with his children when they live with you, I as a mother, would not be confident he could take care of them with any kind of consistency. Personally I would never leave my children full time with a man not even capable of keeping a consistent relationship with them. I understand your overwhelmed, as I said I 100% get it, but please also consider the trauma this will cause your children. As mothers they must come first, and you stated yourself they don’t know him that well. You were pretty vague on the reason you need to “get yourself together” so is it just needing a break? Need to decompress? Mental health? I would see if either a family member, or him, will keep them a week. Give you some time to regroup. Me personally, I became anxiety ridden if my boys were away for more than a night, but everyone is different and has different priorities. Sounds to me you’re stressed, fed up, and sick to death of him not pulling his weight. Which anyone can :100: understand. But please consider the stress and trauma this will cause your boys. They deserve so much more than to be dumped with a man that finds it to difficult to pick up a phone once a day. Certainly not someone I would trust with my children in such a way. Mine may be the unpopular opinion, but you’re just transferring your stress and trauma to your children since you stated yourself they don’t really know him. This will have a profound effect on them, and yes, they will probably feel abandoned. So while I’m not judging you, I refuse to sugarcoat it either.

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Its part of co parenting. their dad is their parent too. I see no big deal, you sound calm in this, that you are opting this for a good course, not that you are angry or bitter to their dad. You want to have time for yourself and reorganize. Do it nicely, communicate well with their dad, its gonna be fine.

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I understand how you feel. We all need a break from time to time. It’s good. It helps us recover, relax, wind down. Everyone benefits from that. And you’re actually thinking more about them than yourself because you recognize that you need a break so you can come back renewed and refreshed for them
Now, I would first speak to the boys about it and see how they feel. Then talk to dad. From there, come to an agreement everyone (especially the boys), feel happy about. Make sure they know it’s temporary etc.

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Your mental health is important if that’s what you need then do it. They will be with thier other parent not some stranger as long as thier dad can care for them then why not. As someone who really struggled with this it’s ok not to be ok all the time.

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I think ur a great mom for realizing you need a mental health break! Just make sure you put it down on paper with a lawyer!

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As long as he is healthy and can provide a stable, consistent home environment. If so, do it. You’re a person too, not just a mother. My son is currently living with my sister because I needed to step outside my parental role and take care of myself. There’s a lot of shame and guilt I’m working through as a result but I’m developing myself as a person and healing myself in order to be a better parent in the long run.

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There’s nothing wrong with that but I wouldn’t do that because he hasn’t had anything to do with them because it could turn out very badly for your boys

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If he’s a good guy, it might be healthy for your kids to spend some time with him. And if you have things to work out, be it outstanding bills, trying to find a better living situation, between jobs, mental health, etc., it could be a big help to you if they stay with dad a few months or longer. No, it doesn’t make you a bad mother to need a break to figure these things out. You aren’t giving them up. You are probably going to regularly visit during their stay with their dad. You need to work on you, and that’s important too! You are choosing the best and safest place for your children while you do that. By doing this, by bettering yourself for your kids, you are being an amazing mother! You need to take care of yourself, because you are the most important person to your boys!

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You get it together quick. Keep yr kids.
This aint about you. They come first.

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He should be helping raise your children. Plain and simple. Burn out is a real thing that should be dealt with properly. Make him do his part but you should make sure your kids don’t feel that you’re just throwing them away. Be honest and tell them that you’ve been parenting alone for so long that you’re exhausted. Emphasize that you still love them but feel like you can take better care of them if you can unwind.

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Fair enough you need a break, perhaps ask the father to start having them on weekends. To get to know them, and give you a break every so often. However, to let them go live with him is selfish as he already has nothing to do with the kids you will be turning their worlds upside down! They will miss you so very much and it’s not fair on them to do such a big change. Unfortunately when you have kids they come first :100:!! Not you

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Not if he’s barely involved. That’s too much of a “break”.

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First off if a man can only want to parent “part” time what is the problem with a women asking the same? We live with such double standards…. We are not just mothers we are people. The question is why isn’t coparenting already being done. You made the statement though he already isn’t involved much, so probably sending the kids to live with him would be too much. But asking him to do his part and parent part time, feel no shame

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Nope not wrong at
All…esp boys at some point they need pops to teach them man things

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Honey, your only human. When you feel you can care for them again, they will be there. It takes the biggest heart, a mothers heart, a selfless mother to see her problems, accept them, work on them and do her best by her kids. That’s is who you are.

Don’t listen to the comments telling you no.
I’m a single mum to 3 boys who are 18, 14 and 10. I’ve just asked their Dad to take them full time. Not because I need a break but more to do with the climate, can’t afford to save for a house! Anyway, I don’t feel guilty or shamed. I’m doing what’s best for them now. Do what you need to do :heart: x

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No not at all!
Sometimes we need it when we’ve done it for so long as a single parent. We are just starting shared care and it will be great for all of us. :two_hearts: You got this mama

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Should never have had kids

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The fact you’ve realised you need a break to make yourself better for your babies is amazing! So well done. But you’re their Momma, send them away to their dads for a week or two and get your shit together. If their dad is always keen to have them, why doesn’t he see them at a weekend or every other weekend? That gives you the break you need rather than a constant. Your babies need a break from you too, its healthy. But you push yourself as hard as you can and as healthy as you can, because they’re your babies and you all deserve to be happy :kissing_heart::kissing_heart:

Nothing wrong with it. But when you think you have it together and the decision has been made and followed through many find it hard to get their children back the amount of time they want. A little more time since he’s barely involved is one thing. If you’re talking about giving him more custody over you, I think you should think about how hard a court fight would be if he decides he doesnt want to give you back the custody you originally had. I’ve heard of mama’s having a very difficult time with this. Choose your battles carefully. But if it’s a little extra time with him sure, go for it.

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If that’s what you need to do love do till you have got yourself soughted out but you must be honest with them .you don’t want them to think you don’t want them anymore I’m sure u and the dad could make this a special time for them like there having to stay with dad could be exciting for them .good luck hope you get yourself soughted out xx

I live on my own with my three children. Their dad is involved but it’s only human to need a break, kids can be hard work, don’t beat yourself up over needing sometime to get yourself in a better place

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I would not if their father has limited contact now and only keeps them short stays. At the least I would just talk to their father about getting them more often.

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Why couldn’t you share custody and continue to work on yourself. Speaking from experience 4 kids 3 under and 8 and a 15. Plus we have a dairy farm that we work ourselves. It’s a lot and exhausting but we get through it. Some days especially through May til October I am basically a single mom. Due to field work too. No matter how low I feel those smiles make it all better. Be very careful once you let them go you may not get them back. Every situation is different so think long and hard. Those boys need you.

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This means you are a WARRIOR! asking for help and recognizing when needed!!! I :clap:t2::clap:t2::clap:t2: you

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I hope you are getting some good therapy. Send them for a visit but not live with him. You need to find yoirself, I get it. But a big part of who you are is a Mom to those kids. They are your biggest priority. Find some hobbies you can do, or take a little vacation without them. But dont send them, permanently to a Dad who isnt around. Get therapy!!

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When me and my ex husband split. Both of my children stayed with their father. I needed to sort things out. Honestly I could barely take care of myself (after the separation, together for 5 years and giving birth to my first at only 19) let alone 2 children. Let me just say first of all it was so difficult being away from my children but it wasn’t that long of a period and now things are back to normal. Me and my children have a good relationship and honestly I think they have a better relationship with their father as well.

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Nothing wrong with that, but make sure you have something legal drawn up just incase dad tries to say you abandoned your children, I came from a toxic relationship and I am overly cautious , so please make sure you cover your basis.

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Good luck I did this with my son and now I regret it because I want him back and his father is putting up a fight.

Talk to their father about it first. And then all four of you sit down and talk about it. There’s nothing wrong with needing help and being overwhelmed. Especially when the help is coming from their own father. Good luck mama :pray:t3::heartpulse:

I raised my son by myself and I can’t imagine having to raise 2 alone. Depending on the ages of your boys and the responsibility level of their father I don’t see anything wrong with it. I agree with Daina, talk to Dad first and let him know where you are at and ask him for input. He may not want the responsibility, but if that is the case maybe the two of you can work together to take some pressure off you even a couple days a week would provide some breathing room. My son’s father was not very responsible so I did not have the option of even letting him stay one night with him without worrying if something would happen. I did however ask my mom to move in with me and that was a blessing. That may not be an option for you but it was just a suggestion. It’s funny, I am disabled and a few years ago I asked my Son (now 30) and his wife to move in with me and help me with my Homestead and making sure I am not alone if I fall etc. They were more than happy to do it and things are pretty good. Just know, as Boys get older they show how much they love their Mama. Keep that in mind and if they do go to Dads for a while don’t make it permanent…

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Imagine how that would feel to them. We all need to work on ourselves. Part of parenting is figuring out how to do that while parenting. :woman_shrugging:t4:

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:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart: best post. Means you actually love your children. Let them go​:heavy_heart_exclamation: you have to be a healthy mom Best Wishes :heart:

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I brought up 3
Kids on my own one with autism it was hard but I’m
Reaping the rewards now there older . Make sure he don’t
Take them and say you abandoned them and then you can’t have them
Back x

I wouldn’t. If you’ve been raising them alone and he doesn’t have much contact with them, he clearly doesn’t care about them very much.

Even as parents, sometimes we need to work on us and get ourselves together. It’s not selfish if you’re working on yourself to do better for your children. As long as they’d be properly taken care of and safe at their dads, I don’t see a problem with this.

As long as it’s not too long of a break. You never stop being their mother. I could never be away from my children and don’t get how people send them away all the time.

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I will assume their Dad is a descent and safe person for them. Provided that, there is absolutely NOTHING bad or wrong about you needing or just wanting a break. “Parenting” is meant to be shared. Now sure, society has changed, norms have changed and plenty of people (on both sides) go it solo… not one of those people can say it was roses and rainbows 24/7. If they do, they’re a liar, just looking to gaslight and fluff their own ego. Whatever your need or reason - no blame, no shame having their Dad step up and share the responsibility. If moving them would change their everything (school, friends, distance from other family) and that’s too much for them - try extended stays. Try summers at Dad’s and breaks (spring, winter recess) at Dad’s. Work out a calendar together and take the time you need without them to recharge.

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take to your kids see how they feel about it if they are ok with it talk to their dad see if he is ok with it but make sure you stay in their lives and make sure you go to lawyer to set it up so all you know what is expected

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I love the comment about how a circuit board gets overloaded, because it’s so accurate when you are a mom. My husband works 7 days a week, and it finally got to the point where I didn’t even enjoy being a mom anymore because I was so overwhelmed. I noticed myself withdrawing, and not enjoying anything. I felt like I lost myself, and I had to step back and take time to work on myself. I think mental health is the most important thing, and if you aren’t taking care of yourself it’s just a recipe for disaster. Definitely talk to your sons father and be honest. Make sure he can handle them full time. Those boys will appreciate a happy mama, and a present one. You aren’t alone in feeling like this. Best of luck to you girl, and keep your chin up :two_hearts:

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I would try to see if he would be interested in the 3 day swap. 3 days you 3 days him. Or maybe start with weekends and see how it goes. Gives you time to focus on you while still making sure you are there for the boys. I personally would never do what your asking but I do know I would be okay with shared custody. The boys need you just as much as their dad… unless you are having extreme mental health or addiction issues or something like that. If you are maybe best for a time to get help to be the best you… but don’t do anything without writing to ensure you get your boys back. Alot of parents use children as pawns… and will do what they can within the Law to not return. Be very careful
Big hugs and lots of love. We are all so different inside and and out. Whatever is best for the kids and you . Do it. If you are suffering from addiction or mental health. Happy to chat. I am an addict but a sober one over 7 years. Xoxoxoxoxo

Momma if I were in your shoes I would say do it, you can’t care for kids if you can’t care for yourself sometimes we get overloaded and need help and I think your considering doing what is best.

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It would be one thing if he was a more active father but your poor boys will potentially feel abandoned.

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So you want to send your kids with a father that doesn’t have much contact with them?:face_with_raised_eyebrow: If their father was more involved I would probably feel different. A short stay is one thing. Long term is something different. I would try weekend visits to see how that works first. Then if that goes well, maybe let him keep them for the whole summer. Being a mom is hard and can be overwhelming. I get that. But at the same time we want to do what’s best for our kids.

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Are you meaning he takes them and you have no contact until you’ve figured things out. Or he takes them and you take the weekend/ see them on occasion. I would be afraid he try to fight you for custody.

It also depends how long you think you’ll need. If a month or two would be enough maybe talk to the dad about keeping them for an extended visit over the summer. ?

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If they go to their dad to stay they won’t want to come back

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No that’s not wrong. Abandoning them would be wrong. Getting your life in order for them is what you should be doing so do it :heart: when you are married and a spouse needs a break or going through a struggle it happens. So why not separated? 

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You are going to get different opinions of course. But in the end, do what feels right for you and the kids.

Once you do that, it could be very hard to get them back.

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Here is the thing for that arrangement… it is HARD to just get them back. :sleepy: even though court. But yes. Nothing wrong with it if that what you need to do… and ultimately if THATS WHATS BEST FOR THE KIDS!!! BUT. My two cents of. >>>Experience. << It’s. 100× harder to get them back. (And in my opinion expensive) Even through court.

I agree with the majority. If you surrender them to their father, you run the risk of not being able to get them back. He will probably go for custody and you will end up paying child support. I would say to have more liberal visitation. Suggest every other weekend and 8 weeks during the summer. That will give you time to pull yourself together. I know single parenting is hard. But it’s harder to lose custody of your kids and have to kowtow to the other parent to see them.

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Split custody .if you give them to him full time then you can face future issues with getting them back .I needed plenty of breaks as a single mother but unfortunately I had no choices but to keep on going .it’s hard as gell and yes it caused depression m, anxiety, and my overall health.

Ever heard the saying if mom isn’t okay then no one is okay? That’s so true. You have to allow yourself the ability to be the best you to be the best for them. Even if that means making the hard choice to take a step away for a little bit. That doesn’t make you a bad mom that makes you a MOM. Let whomever judge… they apparently don’t understand the true meaning of unconditional love. Moms deserve to take care of their mental, physical, emotional health ect also. Do what YOU know is best for your children not these people judging not even knowing the situation!

See if you can get a agreement for him to have temporary custody an to be given back when your well.

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I would see if you could divide the time at each other’s house. I would be concerned with the children feeling like you just gave them away. Where if you divide the time. They may think they’re dad wants them too.

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Do what’s best for your children

No, they should absolutely be able to live with their dad. I hate that society tells us we aren’t a good mom unless we are damn near dead from baring all of the weight from the time they are conceived until they leave the nest. Let that man be a parent while you fix your :crown: queen!

Maybe see if he will keep them over summer vacation. Gives you a break and then a long visit. Win win.

Young one - you’re an excellent Momma. Let them go and “you” find “you”. :heart::v:t4::sunflower:

Is he OK with this. If so then do it for a short while. At least ur admitting you need help and that’s ok.

I’d never give my kids up unless I was dying. Once u have kids they come first. Just let them visit

I wouldn’t. How often does he see them, do the boys actually know him properly… How old are they… does he actually care for them. Are they happy when they are visiting. Once you give them up thats it They’re gone.
What about 50/50 or start smaller and build up to 50/50 , but don’t hand them straight over full time. They only know you to be in their life 24/7 and then to probably nothing… huge part on their mental health. How do they feel about it

If they will be safe and cared for then go for it. Mom’s need to be in thier beat form to raise kids and if you feel like you need the time to get yourself straight then take it. Self care is important for Mom and for kids.

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We should normalize this as a society. Putting your children’s wellbeing first is so important. Kudos for reaching out, most moms would be shamed for this. If you follow through and they do go live with Dad, make sure to stay available to them as much as straightening yourself out allows. Good luck :heart:

Have them go for a weekend … it’s hard to get kids back…

I totally understand, I have done this, I also have two boys with my ex husband and I have gave my ex husband primary parent rights, I am very much still involved and get them Friday-Monday unless he has plans because of that being the weekend we work it out. This has been going on for almost 2 years now. We co-parent and communicate very well. But, I was in a place where it was alot for me and I still believe I made the right decision for my children and myself, I’m still working in myself but I feel better I’m not dragging my two boys down and they are better this way and we are honestly closer with each other in so many levels.

If you ever want to message me, feel free. I know there are a lot of negative vibes that are going to have their opinions, but do what’s best for everyone!!

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Do what you think is best