Is it bad of me as a mother to get to the point where I need my two children to go live with their father for a time, so I can sort myself and my life out better to be able to provide better and be a more present and loving parent. I’m just overwhelmed and I’ve been doing this alone for many years and I just need to do this for my two children as they are boys and in need of their father. He doesn’t really have much contact with them but is always eager to have them when I prompt for short stays. Any advice would be great. Or if there are any mothers out there in my situation?
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No. I have literally considered letting my son go stay with his dad or my mom until I get my shit together. I’m 31 weeks pregnant and I lost my job. I can barely feed myself or pay my bills. I am constantly stressed out and I cry myself to sleep anytime I think about all the shit I need to take care of. I’m slowly losing it. Growing up I had it really rough. Went without food, water, electric,heat. I was abused and my mom was a drug addict then. I don’t want my kids to go through what I went through as a child. I remember a time my mom had my granny keep my brothers and I so she could get back on her feet. It was only a few months tho and I barely remember it. So no ma’am do what you got to do.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I in the wrong for wanting my sons to live with their dad?
If hes never had them for long visits then…is he gunna want them and care for them now??
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My personal opinion, I think that’s wrong of you. Parenting is hard no matter what. You have to think of your boys in this situation and how it could negatively affect them. They didn’t choose to be born into this world, you brought them into this world.  it’s ok to admit you need help but there are ways to get help while caring for your boys. If I were you I would seek out a therapist before you make any drastic changes in their lives.  I don’t know the situation with their father but if he is a responsible loving father then I don’t see what’s wrong with giving him more time with the boys, but that’s not really what your situation sounds like. children need stability and routine more than anything so I hope you can continue to make that happen for them 
 if you can recognize that you’re having a tough time now, imagine the guilt you will feel down the road if you choose to give up on your children. That will ALWAYS stick with you. 
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Im in this spot and his dad wont take him. They need dad by a certain age
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No. You can’t love and care for someone else if you don’t live and care for yourself. It’s ok. And even more okay to admit it.
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Not wrong one bit. Specially if it’s to better yourself sometimes you just need a second to catch your breath and if there dad is willing and able why not?
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I’m not here to judge you. If you feel like this is something you really need to do, consider increasing visits first so they aren’t thrown off guard.
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Nothing wrong with it. You need to take care of you. My son wanted to go live with dad. He wanted no rules etc. so, as much as it hurt I said yes. He was back within a week. Dad couldn’t handle the daily of a teen boy that he was not there for regularly. My son also didn’t like the arrangements there.
Talk to him about it. See how he feels about it. I asked my mom to watch my kids for a few months because I was getting severely depressed and felt I was going downhill. I couldn’t concentrate on myself let alone the kids.
No you’re not wrong. Youre questioning yourself as a mom and you want what’s best for your kids. Which Im sure every mother or close to it has.
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No not all…being a solo mumma is hard work…I have 3 boys. I’ve thought about what urve said a few times. I sont think it’s wrong to take a little time out and get urself feeling good and strong again…self care is huge and not always possible being a solo mother…x
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If he’s a loving father (we don’t know why he doesn’t have them for long periods) then no it’s not wrong… Why should it all be on the mother’s shoulders!? If you need to share more of the load for your mental health then it is best for your children too.
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Mama you do you it took the both of you to make these beautiful babies it’s not all on you!! You matter!!
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Women are not superior to men. Mother’s are not superior to dads lol…dad’s are just as capable as mom’s to raise kids…let dad raise them…
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Let them visit for the summer with their father
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Just be careful. Lawyers and the courts can make it seem like you don’t want your kids later on. Just be cautious of your actions right now.
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Bad mother? No! I GOOD mother for realizing you need to get yourself together before providing for them the way they need it.
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No your not wrong at all your kids need a happy healthy strong minded mum and of that means they go be with the dad then you so whatever you feel is best for you all don’t ever let the opinions of others that put you down for thinking what’s best because if you didn’t care you wouldn’t be thinking about this I’m a mother of 3 they live with there dad whilst I w been fixing myself and getting my mental health better I don’t think I’d of come back this strong had I of been a full time mum while healing it’s been very hard to do but it’s been so worth it the children are all happy and settled with the dad and I’m sure your kids will be too
Once you do that, you may never get them back. Dad can say you abandoned them.
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He is the other parent and nothing is wrong with that… Talk to him about it…as long as your boys are safe and well taken care of …
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If you think they would be better, safer and you fully trust the dad. Of coarse it their dad nothing wrong with it at all. He is the other parent…. Just as responsible
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No matter how much I wanted or needed to I’d never send my son to live with his biological father. The man has been physically abusive and emotionally abusive to me and emotionally abusive to my son plus he hasn’t seen my son in over 3 years. Hell would have to freeze over first. It is what it is.
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You can’t give up on your children, and don’t sound like the father wants to be a full time dad. I raised 4 children and had to rebuild my life and my children were my rock. Don’t do this this to your children you may regret it one day.
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Yeah, you’re kinda wrong. Maybe not send them to permanently live there but maybe share custody? 50/50 would give you that time without them just being gone.
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Try having them live with him for 3 months and if both of you are OK with the living situation, let them be but always tell your boys that you love them and if they want to live with you again - have your arms open to them - there is nothing wrong with you ---- if spending sometime alone makes you a better person and mom go for it ------- just remember that kids does turn 18 and then what— so for today you make sure you are the best person for you and those kids------- you are not just a mother you are a female 
I let both of my boys go live with their dad for a time. They were eager to come back to mom 
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I’m in that very situation. All 3 of my boys live with their dad and I have my daughter full time. You’re right, boys need that father figure. And if he’s fine with keeping them while you get yourself together, then that’s the best thing to do. 
Number one that would be a conversation to have with the other parent before the kids even know the possibility. Number two, they may not want to come back when you feel ready.
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If he isn’t really in much contact with them then I doubt he’ll be up to them living with him. He doesn’t want to be a full time dad. I would be careful tho cause if he has any type of beef with you and you have him take the kids he might take you to court and try to take some of your rights away so I definitely would be aware of your rights when you do this. But no you’re not wrong for wanting to do this but write down the pros:cons of this decision if you decide they need to live with their father.
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Wait. You want to ship your boys off to a father who doesn’t have much contact with them? Poor kids.
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You know what as long as dad is will let them go!! Us mum’s can only take so much!! Xx
Summers a great chance for a trial
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You won’t miss them? I’m a single mom of 3, 2 older boys and a baby girl who’s father has never been around and I feel bad if they spend a night away with anyone other than me. We made the decision to have these kids, they are our responsibility. Sure dad too but if they don’t step up we birth them. You can have time to yourself when they turn 18 and move out, until then, diligence is due, my personal opinion.
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It doesn’t matter if your right or wrong if you NEED your children to be in a different home for their well being and yours and you are able to recognize that then there is no right or wrong
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Does everyone knows that kids does not stay small they do grow up---- take sometime for yourself even if it’s just for the summer or the remainder of the year---- good luck
Be very careful how you do this. Make sure there are agreements in place. If you just drop the kids off….with nothing in place when you’re taking them back. You could be accused of abandonment. Make sure you’re all on the same page. Get the kids excited about staying with dad. And then take some time for yourself. It’s ok to let dad take them for a bit while you rejuvenate.
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He obviously doesn’t spend a lot of time with them so yeah I wouldn’t let the kids go live with him. Anyone commenting here and saying you’re wrong etc, there’s no right and wrong here for you. You obviously are overwhelmed and need help and support, there is so much help and support reach out darling, you bring them babies up, you’re amazing you’re their mother, if he’s not being there much for the kids you tell him that. You are their mother, he is their father. I don’t know you or him so can’t say this or that but I will say, you’re their mummy if you need help and support reach out talk to those around you or if you feel you can’t talk to someone you know call for support from lifeline or counselling etc…Talk to their dad, if he won’t support you well f#k him. Never feel you’re a bad mother or you’re wrong and ones on this post saying otherwise GO AND TAKE A F#CKING HIKE!
This page is for advice support etc not judgement and making people probably feel more shitty!!!
I personally could never. But also would understand if someone needed to. You’re crying out for help. And the people giving you a hard time or questioning your actions wonder why some parents lose their shit and wonder why they didn’t seek help…here it is.
Easy to tell your loving because your asking for help, kudos to you. Do they spend time with their Dad? What are their ages? If they do know and spend time with Dad then no there is nothing wrong with the boys going to spend a bit of time with their Dad. If not, then I would speak to my family and ask them if they could please help you out. Your amazing to know you need some time. If Dad is safe and willing it sure will make more positive in your life to be able to help yourself so you can help your boys. <3 I hope you will keep us posted to let us know how things are going for you and your family, prayers
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If he’s not been present thus far how can you trust he would care for them? Or even want to suddenly be a parent? Also… they may never come back to you… so be careful what you wish for… a change in custody could be permanent and you would be responsible for child support and limitations on visits and parenting rights…
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Have you thought about 50/50 custody ? That way the courts can’t make it seem like you’re abandoning your kids and you can have that time to better yourself for them.
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Wait……he doesn’t have much contact with them…. and you want to rehome your boys there……… sorry but that’s wrong!
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Nope. Been there done that. My son is back with me again. Do what you feel is best for you and your family. Dont worry about what other people think. They aren’t the ones living your life
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I am wondering how old your sons are how do they feel about this. How old are they? Neither one of my kids would have been ok with this. So just a general question do you feel because they are boys they need to be with their Dad?
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You’re right. Boys DO need a relationship with their dad. Ask him if he’ll take them for the summer.
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Let me just tell you something you are probably going to get a lot of people probably stating that you are a bad mom or how can you have your kid not live with you blah blah blah I was in the same situation when my kids were little they are 24,21 and 16 now and my husband and I made the decision that they were going to go live with their grandparents because in our situation back when they were little we were struggling and we were going to be moving around a lot and I wanted my kids to be in a stable place and still be at their school and not have to move around to here and there , I was very much in their life still I very much took care of them I did the school stuff I did everything a mom would and should do the only thing my parents did for them was give them a roof over their head and a stable place that they can go to and as adults my kids never resented me they were actually thankful because they got to know their grandparents more and my kids are very much close to my dad so for you I think it’s a great idea if that is going to be a stable place for him♥️ and my husband is their stepdad so their biological dad was never really in their life when they were little so that wasn’t even an option my parents were the ones that supported me the most and now we have my daughter 100% with us a few years back I was able to really get on my feet and we have an apartment now and stable so ya….
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It’s 10000% ok to need a break. Parenting is hard and no one expects to do It alone. I commend anyone who is willing to admit they need a break. I think the ages of the children help a lot too. Are they older and wanting to live with dad? Or are they young and it’s possible they may struggle with abandonment issues by such a huge change?
Is It possible to try more of a 50/50 set up? Would dad help pick up some slack? Or maybe an extended stay…dad take them for the summer months?
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I mean, to me it’s weird that you would want them to go to their dads when they don’t have a relationship really… it’s normal to need a break, it’s normal to get overwhelmed and feel you’re not doing enough. But I’d look into something else. If he were more hands on now that would be different.
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I let my son go live with this Dad when he was 2. I had 3 kids, working 2 jobs, struggling horribly. Car problems, my landlord at the time was scum so there were many issues with water and leaky pipes. Sadly I couldn’t move out at that time. And I thank God I did because his Daddy died when my son was 7, from colon cancer. It was like God had a plan and put that on my heart that his dads, at that time, was the best place for him.
No you are not wrong. He owns the responsibilities of them boys just as much as you do. There is no other person in this world you should leave them with than their other parent.
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He should probably be more present in their lives. then you’d have less on your plate to focus on what you need too.
Amy Gordon Bradley this person is obviously overwhelmed and needs help and support and asking for advice, f#ck away off love.
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As long as you are doing what is best for your children- no, you are not wrong!
There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with being overwhelmed as a single parent (I did it for 12 years) and wanting their dad to take responsibility for them for a while. However I also agree that a)he’ll say no. If he’s not that involved he doesn’t want to be and b)if he does by some miracle agree they may not want to come back and you’d need to prepare yourself for that consequence
Nope I think this sometimes about my son. His dad works nights though so it isn’t possible. If it’s possible for you I’d say why not. Sometimes we just need some time to ourselves to get our minds and our lives in order.
nothing wrong at all. but id get a written statement thru the courts /custody saying that he has them for 3or 4 months. so he dont take with them
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If you need the help then you need the help. I’d be a little concerned with the fact that he doesn’t have much contact, will he be able to have them all the time? I’d also try to get something through the court cause it’s possible by the time you want them back he might now let you take them back.
No your not wrong, if your not 100% then you need to be in order to be the best parent you can. They are lucky they still have a dad that they can go to. In all honesty I would speak to the father first, explain everything your feeling and what your expectations are. If he is on board then speak to your boys, assuming they are old enough to understand. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are human.
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It’s very weird that u want your children to stay with their dad when they have barely any relationship with him! And yes it’s normal to be overwhelmed and needing a break but sending your kids away is ridiculous when ur all they have known! Being mom isnt a when it’s convenient for u, u may need short breaks but u don’t just ship your kids somewhere else just because it gets overwhelming, especially with someone they barely know regardless of it being their dad or not!!
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I have 2 boys full custody, I would never give them to their dad. I even got my associates degree in that time they were growing up and they still played sports. They can learn stuff when he has them. Yes there was really hard times and nights I cried when they were asleep. But NEVER would I live without my boys. They were 5&9 when I became a single mom and now 21 & 17. Never had any issues with them
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There is nothing wrong with it, talk to the dad and kids and make sure everyone involved understands and are on the same page, it’s extremely hard to be a single mother, there is nothing wrong at all needing a break to get yourself physically and mentally stable. Just make sure everyone knows (ex husband and kids) that you are all on the same page, especially if he’s willing to do it, dad needs time with the kids
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Rejection wounds go deep and you’ll never get that time back
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Not wrong mumma. We all need a break, but more importantly you need to take care of you. Your physical and mental health takes a toll on your kids as nuch as you, so in order to be a better parent for your kids, if that’s what it takes then do it.
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Wondering with their ages are?
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Why would you if he doesn’t even keep in contact with them?
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I’m sorry but I don’t agree that kids need their dads especially if they are absent dads. Sorry but DNA doesn’t make a dad. My 6 yr old son has amazing male role models…my step dad, my brothers, my BIL and now my amazing BF of a yr. I would NEVER send my son away and trust me he’s been a handful this past yr!
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If you feel like your not in a position to fully care for your kids & aren’t sending them to their dads for selfish reasons imo that’s fine. Only thing you said they don’t really have a relationship with their father so maybe them building a relationship & some short stays at first might work out better for them. Also it really depends on their ages & if they are mature enough to help make the decison. Cause if you force them into moving in with their father they may end up resenting you.
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Weird you want your kids else where when sorting your stuff out. Parents parent and deal with life.
Get a babysitter take a break why would you want your kids to live with their father they barely know why would you do that to your kids ?
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You could start with 50/50 custody. If they’re in school and live in the same district. Week with him, week with you so it’s not too much on both of you. Don’t ever feel like you’re letting them down trying to do whats best for you. As long as you feel their dad is capable of carrying for them, which I assume you do or you wouldn’t be considering this. I’d try the 50/50. My son is almost 14 and boy can he be a butthead sometimes. When their dad and I split up he want this dad, for a while actually. About 6 months the first time and came back home for a few months and then another year with his dad, he’s been back with me for about 2 years. Though I think he’s wanting to go back when school is out. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. He’s loved very much by both of us
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Suck it up momma, that’s what we do! Send them to ur moms for a weekend or something but why would you have them live elsewhere? This isn’t time for you to be single and no kids…that comes after you raise your kids
No ma’am you can not pour from an empty cup. Regardless if you need to get straight mentally, physically, or monetarily then you do what you need to for your kiddos. They will see and appreciate in the future that you wanted and did work to be a better mother
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Good for you that you notice and admit you are not on top of your game and want to improve for your children. As long as they are in a safe and loving environment with their father then send them there so you can work on yourself and become your best…
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Good luck on getting them back once you give custody to him !
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To each there own…. I personally wouldn’t be able to do that with any of my 4 kids but we don’t know your situation. Just as mentioned a few times above go through the courts and make sure you have everything in writing. We can’t say anything based on the information you gave us BUT, and not saying he would but he can claim you abandoned them and you would have a very difficult time getting them back all the best to you mama.
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I raised 5 kids practically by myself. No way would I ever allow anyone else to raise my kids.
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if she kills, abuses, or abandons the kids, everyone will say “wHy DidNt sHe sEnT tHeM wHiTh tHeIr DaD!?” The point is to always blame the mother.
To the OP… if you trust the father, do so!!
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I don’t think you’re wrong to ask for some kid free time. Men do it. Why does it feel wrong for women. What bothers me is he’s basically a stranger to them. Only periodic short visits when you initiate. Your boys may feel abandoned by you, scared or completely unwanted. I’d recommend you explain it to them the best you can & not stay completely out of their lives during your break. Then counseling for all 4 of you, especially your boys to help them cope with their emotions during this time.
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No. Dads get to do it everyday. Why can’t you if you need things sorted out?
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Make sure you outline the agreement to a T, also have an attorney. Have a start and end date. Otherwise he could flip it all on you and you lose them. Because once he gets custody, trying to get them back is HELL…
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Do what you need to do, it will benefit your boys also
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I understand your overwhelmed,!S there any of your family who can help you? You say he doesn’t have much contact with them, but will take them for short stays, are you prepared if you send them to the dads that he might decide to file for custody and you may not get them back or your sons might not want to come back, depending on the ages they may feel like you don’t want them anymore. I’m not trying to be mean or condemn you, I just want to you really think this through, you also say for a time, is this a couple weeks, months,years? But if you really think you cannt care for them properly, then most definitely send them to live with the dad
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Ok I’m here to give my honest opinion in hopes that in can be taken as a positive. Yes absolutely as a mother we need time to regroup and find ourselves and refresh. So with that there are also questions?? How old are the boys? And you said that he doesn’t have much contact with the boys?
So with those questions and no answers right away obviously I would say a lot depends on the age of the boys and how well you think they would be able to handle the transition. We are the adults and they are only children so we as parents have to look out for them. All in all I would say if they are not going to be in a bad environment or dangerous environment and they are happy with it then you could give it a shot. just check on them regularly, I would try and talk to them daily.
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I would never give my children to anyone for a long period of time, not even their father. Especially a father who has hardly been there for them. Who knows what kind of situation you will be putting them in. Not to mention the rejection they will feel.
I’m just speaking for myself. I wouldn’t do it.
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Good job momma for recognizing you are burnt out and need help it takes a village and it’s not wrong maybe they can go for summer id draw up legal papers though
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Very honest of you.
Communication is key but you are well within your right to have a break.
I believe 50/50 or as close as possible, is best.
It’s his turn to saddle up.
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No, they are probably at an age where it’s best for him to raise them anyway.
Do what’s best for the children but just take into consideration it may not be as easy to get them back as it was to give them to him. I hope it is for you and wish you and your kids the best.
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Sounds like you need a break! There’s nothing wrong with them living with their dad, as long as you still see them or have weekends with them. Or you need to find ways to have more time for yourself. Little kids can be exhausting & to be a good parent you need a release! It’s not selfish… Caretaker burnout is a real thing!
Or maybe their dad could take them for a week at a time like in the summer 
. To give you time for yourself…
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It’s never wrong to acknowledge what you need in order to (essentially) get your shit together so you can be a better mom and person. If you believe you are currently unable to care for your children by yourself, then it’s not wrong to do what will keep them safe and cared for until you can.
People WILL give you shit for it. But unless they understand what your actual struggles are, and are offering to help you better your situation in major ways, don’t let their opinions carry weight, and do what you need to do.
I’ve had a few friends who needed to do this for a few different reasons. They had to get their life straight, focus on recovery, on finding a job, a place to live, etc, and once they were in a stable place again (mentally, emotionally, and physically), they were able to bring their child(ren) back to live with them gradually.
Just make sure you talk with dad and come up with a solid plan/time frame and stick to it. Make sure the kids understand to an age appropriate extent what is going on. Keep in contact with them and have visits with them. Be aware that shit could go south and it could be difficult to get them back. And above all, once you are in a better place, make sure you fight to get them back (if it comes to that). Don’t just give up on them and start a new family because it’s easier. I’ve unfortunately seen that, and it’s heartbreaking.
Do what you feel is best for your sons. We have no idea the situation with you or with their father.
Best of luck with your future.
Let the father know whats going on hopefully he understands its not abandonment its just time to get yourself together. How can you take care of your kids if you can’t even take care of yourself first. Good luck hope everything works out.
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Ohh dear,
No it’s not wrong for wanting help when you need it. It takes courage to step out & say that you arent doing good right now & need to get right.
Communication is key. What I think you should do is set up a schedule with Dad that he will gradually have them more & more. That may be the all that you end up needing. & if not then at least they will feel comfortable in transitioning homes.
Good Job on speaking up! a lot of moms wont bc so many other moms will mom shame them. This does NOT make you less of a mother!! Thank you for being vulnerable some other mother needs to see that she’s not alone.
Good for those of you “who do it by yourself” or have a million kids & do it on you own… Not everyone is you & no one asked you if you could imagine your kids away from you.
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That’s not wrong at all. My mom was a single mother and for a moment there I did stay with my dad so she could get her head back in straight. That’s something she needed to do and I understand completely. Do what you think is best for you and your sons
I would ease into it if they don’t really see him often now get them to see him more gradually then all at once
That’s nuts. Hope you can afford their therapy…js
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Have him take the kids for a little bit while you get yourself better, you can’t pour from an empty cup mumma
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Or share custody with him let him have half the time and you have them half the time
Maybe work up to him having them for longer periods. You don’t want to overwhelm him either with him not spending a whole lot of time with them. Because that would instead make things worse. It sounds like your on good terms talk about it as a unit since it involves all of you. Go from there.