red flags everywhere
If he can’t back off then you should obviously separate. It’s not like it’s something you can get over in a day. See a counselor.
Am I the only one that read he refuses his daughter to come over and wants to bring another one into this world?
Counseling. You’re going to have to meet his daughter sometime, you can’t honestly expect to be with someone and not ever be around their kid.
I understand being depressed, especially about this particular reason. It was hard for me to be around new kids and babies for a while. Especially if they were the same gender.
Kids ended up being a saving grace for me when I was deep into the grief. He’s allowed to be upset by this. And by the fact that he feels like he’s gotta choose.
If you didn’t want kids, you shouldn’t have got with him knowing he had a kid.
Doesn’t seem like you’re selfish. You sound actually very mature and self aware. I would get some distance or even leave this relationship-but my concern would be that it might get unpleasant if he knows you want to. You’ve told him what is going on with you, and as it’s written here it makes perfect sense. Yet he isn’t listening to you, and is trying to force you into situations that are more damaging to you, and not best for his daughter either. Not only that, but he’s pressuring you to have a baby against your will when you’re not ready and you’ve only just met, disregarding that you are already grieving. This is not a man who cares about you. This is a man who wants to coerce and mould you into the person he wants, even if it destroys you. Be very careful with your birth control because if he he sabotages (reproductive control isn’t much talked about) it you will be under his control for the next 18 years. The whole ‘saving you’ thing is a red flag too. Some people do get in a relationship with a good person after trauma, but it works out if the new person understands that they need space to heal, and they are their own free person who can, and needs to make choices independently of them. More typically, it’s out of the frying pan, into the fire. a lot of absuers love white knighting and playing the hero, then they can remind you of all they have done for you and hold it over you. I’d loook into his background too. In UK you can do a Claire’s Law disclosure with the police and they’ll tell you if there’s any history of domestic issues. Can you move in with family for a while, and recover, and plan what you want out of life. It doesn’t sound like spending every minute under the eye of this man, disregarding everything you want and just following his desires, and churning out babies for him is what you want. Choose freedom.
See that’s the problem, you didn’t take time to heal before starting a new relationship and now its such a mess. It’s obvious you’re not ready for any type of relationship and now the only option is breaking up and working on yourself…
Find you a place to go and take time to heal! You know more abt your life then ppl in their 30 and up! You need to heal to….he can’t force you to be okay!!! You will be fine once you get past this life lesson
I think you need therapy and medicine. You’re doing the right thing by his daughter by staying distant. Take care of you.
Please leave this relationship and get a good psychiatrist. Not fair to this child
Sounds like you need to let that man go to start his life with somebody that wants children in their life and you work on you
If your not ready to invest in another mans child then just end the relationship now and find someone who doesnt have kids
It sounds like you need to be alone and work on you . You have co dependency issues. And this situation shows it .get some good therapy and deal with your own self .God bless !
You should’ve fixed yourself and focused on yourself before you got into another relationship in the first place, especially if the first one was said bad. It’s also a lot harder than people probably think, not bringing his kid around you. That was probably challenging for him because of your schedules I’m sure crossing over each other. Although you offered to leave when his daughter comes over, do it if it makes you feel better. But since he wants kids, wants you to be around his kids. It doesn’t sound like you’re cut out for each other. You both want different things, and it seemed pretty apparent from the beginning. You should break off the relationship since you both want the complete opposite things, and you need to get help for yourself
Go see your Dr. right away. It could change everything for you.
If you don’t have any one where would you go on the weekends when you stated you suggest he spend father, daughter time. Maybe wherever you are going could help.
This relationship is all bad honestly how dare he ask you to carry his child after you just lost yours in insane no way in hell I’d be with this guy
You’ve been together for 3 months and talking about having kids but can’t work out a plan for the one he’s got? Please see a therapist!
Go to therapy work on yourself and tell him you need time to heal if he doesn’t give it leave and stay out of a relationship for 6 months to a year loosing a baby is a hard thing to go through wanting it or not take care of yourself first or you will have lots of resentment for both of them
You need to break up. It’s not fair to him, his daughter or to you to be going through this. You need to mentally heal before you continue this otherwise there will be resentment from someone later down the road.
Run. That dude has so many red flags
You need to be single and focus on you. Not some man child who can’t respect boundaries and is pushing his child onto you and putting you in a parental role. Waiting to meet her was a good plan. But once you moved in you had to realize that you’d be living with her on his custody time. It’s been 3 months… you do not know this man at all. And red flags that he’s got you in his daughters life acting like a parent immediately. I hope you get the healing you need and deserve!
Maybe you need to see someone and get on some meds or at least talk to a therapist.
You know rather late than never, go fix yourself girl. If he’s “the one” he will sit back and wait for the fixing and if you want to be together than go forward if in the meantime you’d rather not be in a relationship. It’s sounds like he’s not really understanding the full story I mean asking you to have a child right after you lost yours…. That’s someone who is mentally immature and wreckless. I feel like a break for you to work things out for yourself is needed for sure
Have you ever lived on your own? Why not???
Walk away from that relationship. He is hurting you and you are hurting them. Not very promising for a long term
I think you and your individual therapist should address and resolve your codependency. If you get through that, establish some emotion management skills and learn about things like enmeshment, healthy boundaries and effective communication.
Counseling… you need to speak to someone they can help clear your thoughts. The lost of your baby was a big deal and seems like your still battling with it mentally.
Let him go you take his family without questions. You are selfish this man is stupid to stay
His daughter needs to be his first priority, and he needs to focus on her well being. If you can’t embrace her, you need to let them both go. Work on fixing yourself, and then find a man that has no kids. Don’t have kids yourself until you are ready, and can put someone else (your baby) first.
Options - leave ! Before something happens that you (and him) will never get over. I know what you mean, and you know exactly what I mean.
I’m proud of you. Your trying to fix you and you should. But also he should understand how you feel and try and help.
Sorry but if you can’t handle him having another child, even though you were pregnant, you shouldn’t have went and dated him. I’m sure he explained it as well. It’s great he wants to be in his daughter’s life. I would NEVER impede that. You can’t look to someone else to save you. You need to be able to do that on your own other wise there will be a string of these “good guys” behind you.
PRAY,God will help you for the right answer.
Focus on healing. A relationship at this point isn’t healthy for you.
On another note, you did go into this relationship aware that he has a daughter. If you can’t be a presence in her life, maybe that’s a sign you aren’t ready for that relationship. It’s great that he’s helped and supported you thru your difficult time, but sometimes healing is a solitary journey and you need to be able to focus solely on yourself.
I would say unless you want a family you need to leave. He’s a dad, and that’s not going to change. You really need to focus on you by the sounds of it. So, in my opinion I would get a job outside of the relationship, find a place, and do you for awhile.
Keep on making healthy decisions for these babies out here honey … fuck what a dude think … smh … he’s soooo wrong here … you’re trying to be as healthy as possible for yourself n his child … fuck him … PERIOD … you can’t push a woman into mothering a child if she’s not ready … smh … … keep making those healthy decisions n keep healing babe
You shouldn’t have moved in with him. You’ve been together for only 3 months, and you are already living and working together, which puts you together practically 24/7. You bounced into this relationship from a toxic relationship. I get that the loss of a pregnancy is hard. I’ve been through it, but you need time on your own to get your head straightened out. I fully support that you don’t want to meet his daughter right now. Honestly, you probably shouldn’t be buying her gifts. It sends a mixed message.
If you guys live together , how is that child not supposed to be in your life ?
Honey, I understand that you’re kind of over a barrel. But you need to be by yourself now. You need to heal from losing your baby. You don’t need to try to fit into a ready made family and be pressured into having another baby right away. Go on your own. Look into getting an apartment with the local housing authority. Most of them allow pets. Say your dog is your emotional support dog. Get a therapist to write you a note saying so. Then you can work on getting your feet under you and trying to figure out what you want to do now. You do need to get therapy for your depression and to help you heal. You also need a job on your own.
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If he loves his child hopefully he will be the one to move on .
Just take a break from the entire relationship and focus on yourself.
Try looking into colleges if you are interested in focusing on yourself and creating some distance. There’s plenty of loans and grants and you could live on campus (like an apt not necessarily a dorm)
get out ASAP CHECK YOURSELF IN FOR MENTAL HELP
I think you need more healing time and I don’t believe you should be in a relationship especially one that has a child. His daughter is his priority and he has a family that you know you’re not ready for.
He sounds like a very selfish person. Seek God and His forgiveness. And then seek help for your healing.
His daughter deserves more. She is developing her own sense of self-worth and that depends on her interactions with people she loves. A mom role is an important role. Break this off. Get mental health somewhere. A grief center, a psychiatrist, a therapist would help. But he and his daughter need to go. He may not be able to help you, but he definitely needs to help his daughter.
I would seek some mental health help. Maybe even talk with a minister first. He would guide you on what to do
I think you might need some help. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re doing a very mature thing to not involve the child until you feel 100%. He should respect your wishes and be an adult and it seems like he’s trying to pressure you to be this mother figure that you’re not ready for. And if he can’t I’m sorry to say he’s not the one.
you need to have a serious honest conversation with your guy. You need counseling, it will help you so much.
You need to end it and take the time to heal and get yourself together. You guys moved way too fast for sure but you need to take a step back.
Seek therapy Please!
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He shouldn’t be thinking of babies at all just after yours passed away. He should be helping you with your depression.
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If you dont want kids right now you shouldn’t be with a dad. It is not fair to them.
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I only say this because I read a lot of fiction books. Does he have a pregnancy kink? I’m not saying he only wants you for that but it’s odd he wants you pregnant so quickly after what you’ve been through.
Why would you get into a relationship with someone when you were pregnant with another man’s child and say that the relationship was toxic??? You knew he had a child in the beginning…was this OKay because you thought you were having a child, so having a man with a child was good enough then?? You seriously need to let him and his daughter go, they deserve better. Especially if you feel the need to leave when he has his daughter, how do you think it makes his daughter feel?? Take care of yourself and get the help you need!!
Check yourself in and get help. It sounds like there are some very deep issues you won’t be able to resolve on your own. Good luck.
Maybe talk to your doctor about your feelings. Your hormones are off balance, but I suggest being very honest with him about how you feel on having kids.
When you are in a relationship with someone who has a child, you also have a relationship with the child. If you need to work on you, let them go. Go to a doctor and get the help you need. I suffered from a miscarriage and depression and it’s a wonder what medicine can do. You’re not thinking with a clear mind and you don’t need anymore pressure, especially from a partner. He wants what you can’t give right now. Work on finding your happiness and give him and his child the chance to find theirs.
Ew. Break up. His kid doesn’t deserve this. You’re an adult with adult issues which are valid but this is WRONG. Go get better. Let him focus on his daughter.
Honey you’re not selfish!! Mental health is a serious thing!! You need to do what’s best for you! If checking into a psych ward is what you feel is necessary then do so!! Once you do maybe then he will realize what you’re dealing with and maybe he will be supportive! You have to be happy with yourself in order to make your relationship work! Good luck I hope all works out for you
Therapy appointment and possibly get in meds to help you. Your mental health is important and if you feel you need to Commit yourself to an inpatient then do so
I think you just need more time for your mental health. Even with the issues you are dealing with you sound like you know yourself better than most people. And it sounds like you really do care for them but not quite ready yet. He may be trying to use his daughter as another way to help you get through it but he’s going about it all wrong. You’ve expressed how you feel, talked it out several times and offered alternatives. Your mental health is more important. Heal you so you can be what you need and then what they need.
Relationship aside, I was an OB/Gyn Nurse and I think you need to speak to your OB/Gyn Doctor. Very often the aftercare NEEDED for a miscarriage is sort of missed by the patient or under-offered by the provider.
I dont know how far along you were but your body went through a pregnancy, so it’s reasonable to assume that some of the issues you are having are related to Post Pardum Depression, and Post Pardum Anxiety. We have treatments available that can help settle your hormones and the physical symptoms of a Post pregnancy body that may help clear your mind and aid you in making good decisions for yourself.
Your OB/Gyn can also make a referral for you to a Therapost or Counselor that deals specifically with this type of loss. This type of loss is its own animal and it will eat you from the inside out if you let it. And then it will begin eating those around you too.
Don’t prolong yours or anyone else’s suffering.
Get your body right, get your mind right. And perhaps dating/living with people, step parenting, etc… and other big life decisions should be postponed until you are more ready to do life again once healed.
Take it from some with trauma with their own children, do not stay somewhere you are constantly triggered, please it isn’t healthy. If you can’t do this please don’t.
Honestly I don’t like the sound of this guy for you. I don’t feel like he cares about your trauma as much as he should.
Three month relationships are disposable. Please seek professional help because you are suffering. Love yourself enough to recognize he isn’t the one.
you really need to speak to a therapist about your loss of your baby, Then you really need to live by yourself & deal with everything you have been going thru,
You knew he had a daughter to start with if you’re not prepared to take on a role of mother figure in her life then you need to leave. You are going to hurt her more by never being around or involved except when it suits you. If you don’t want the kids situation yet that’s 100% okay, but you can’t be half in and half out. Seek some therapy if you haven’t yet, start making a plan for getting out. Maybe by the time you start working things out with therapy you find that you do want something like this maybe you find you’re still wanting to be young and free. Either way his daughter deserves more and it sounds sketchy that he’s already trying to push having kids on you given that he knows what you’ve been through and your attitude towards children. That would send up red flags to me…
I feel like you go from one relationship to the next one. You should be alone and work on yourself instead of being in one. Maybe contact some social services that can support you,
You may not have wanted a child, but you are grieving this loss. Your body knows what it went through. On top of that you are dealing with the feelings of your previous relationship. You should have taken time for yourself before getting into another relationship. As for his child, I believe you thinking leaving when she is around is a good idea. It is not. Kids are very sensitive and would not understand your reasoning. She will think you don’t like her, even though you give her gifts. It took me about 6 months after my miscarriage before I could look at another baby and not cry. That being said, do you attend a church? Usually a minister to talk to will help and they can direct you to a good therapist.you are going through a lot. Most guys don’t understand. They are wired differently than we are. You said you live the little girl. Maybe some time you and she can do something together, maybe just as simple as coloring in a coloring book together. It will take time, seek some help. Good luck and God bless and help you❤.
You are not selfish to want to take care of yourself and your mental health. I question your bf mental health. It seems VERY co-dependent and immature. Why is he throwing a fit and acting like a child when you suggest he spend the weekend with his daughter?! That’s a HUGE red flag. The fact that he’s even talking about wanting another child with you….when you’ve only known each other 3 months is not normal nor healthy. I would figure out a different living situation and slow things down with him. Take time to get to know each other and get your mental health on track. Take care of YOU first and foremost!!
People come into our lives for a reason. We all have some pain or issue we are working through. With regards to both in your situation, you are grieving. You are grieving the loss of a relationship; if it wasn’t healthy, it is a loss. It is a loss as you realize that what you wanted from that first man would never happen. You are grieving for the loss of a child. Even if you initially didn’t want a child because of you realize you are not at that point, a child growing within you changes you. It is part of you, it is yours, and you connect on a deep level. You are grieving because that was taken from you. Join a support group, and let yourself heal. I think there is a high level of maturity in you, and responsibility. You know where you are at in your life—what you are ready for, your “selfish” personality, as you say. You do NOT owe this 2nd man and his daughter anything, you aren’t the birth mom. Those are harsh words but the meaning behind them is truth. You can be her adult friend, when the time is right. I fully support your 6-month rule! Get to know each other, build a foundation between you two. Hell, he and mama baby had at least 9-months to get to know each other before little one arrived! And while on topic of him…. Men have a “fix it” mentality when women they love are hurting. He may feel that 1) another pregnancy will come to term, and a child of your own will heal your ache (a pain he doesn’t realize will not just go away), 2)a child together will bring you two closer together—and help him heal the loss of a family he thought he’d have once (with his own daughter). Granted their are walking sperm banks but until you really get to know him, you won’t know his true motivation.
It is time, though, that you have this heart to heart with him. And then let him decide if he is willing to wait or if he needs to be seek someone who is ready. And you need to take care of you…now. I know there are support groups for those who have lost a child. You aren’t alone though it feels like it. You need to cry, to be sad, and still look for daily joys. Therapy helps, short term medication can help. You are wise to keep his child away until you are ready. But have the talk with him, and move on if you need to.
I hope your heart and mind find peace soon.
You really need to be by your self instead of being in a relationship until you can get your head on straight and get your life back on the right track, Maybe checking yourself into a psych ward will help you.
Going to be honest, but if you are feeling this way then 100% admit yourself voluntarily into an inpatient program. As a teen being admitted into an inpatient program by my parents was the best thing that could have happened for my mental health (though as an angsty teen at the time I thought it was the end of the world) It led me to the start of working out my problems, finding triggers, exploring healthy coping mechanisms and proper medication. Also upon release, almost all inpatient programs help you find continued care in an outpatient basis so it helps you get your foot in the door. As for my opinion on this boyfriend, I would say end the relationship. You don’t seem to be in the mental state to be able to handle a relationship, no less one where he seems to try and make you feel guilty about spending time with a child that you feel isn’t the right time to be meeting, especially after the loss of your own child. Plus the pressure he seems to be putting on you about having another child so soon after the loss of yours is a big red flag. You are not selfish. Not in the least at all. By taking care of yourself and your mental health first, that is the least selfish thing you can do. People that choose to invest their time, money, whatever into themselves instead of other people are not selfish. Your boyfriend sounds manipulative and selfish and it sounds like you’re heading into another toxic relationship.
Sounds a lot like postpartum depression! You’re not crazy! You do need to go see someone about it though.
Hes kind of a red flag… you should leave… you went through something traumatic and don’t have time to process if you’ve moved that fast in the relationship… you already know what you need to do but you’re afraid of being on the streets… instead of suggesting you leave for the weekends the kid is there, just do it… you already know you don’t want to deal with his kid right now and thats fair considering, but you shouldn’t interact with the child anymore because she deserves better… hes terrible for bringing anyone new into her life especially someone who didn’t want to be there in the first place… this is a sticky situation but you should leave… the child is the most important thing and y’all are playing with her tender emotions… leave now so her heart doesn’t get broken, its not fair to the child… i think you should hit up a facility so you can have you time and seriously work on your mental health… i commend you for realizing and admitting that you don’t want kids and you know you’re too selfish… im serious… it warms my heart so much that you can recognize… i know the loss of a child is really hard but if the father was toxic its best for you and baby that you now don’t have to be subjected to his abuse… you seem decent headed and know what to do… doing the right thing is hard but very necessary… and think, a facility would be temporary and would truly benefit your mental health, maybe even help you heal…
Honestly, it sounds like you need to leave the relationship and take as much time as you need to heal from your loss. It sounds like the two of you are in very different places and your mental health needs to come first.
You shouldn’t have moved in with him in the first place IF you didn’t want to meet her for 6 months. I mean, moving in with someone who has a kid means you’re gonna be around the kid. It sounds like you’re bitter & resent the child.
You’re not ready for a relationship.
You’re definitely not ready to be “step” mom.
You’re only together 3 months.
I’d be moving out, moving on, & working on yourself before you decide to get in another relationship.
To be honest I think he needs to get his own place so you can have your space and heal. You need to focus on yourself. Never me with someone who doesn’t respect or understand what your going though. You can always bored your dog for a while if you can afford it. We did that at times depending on what kind of vacation we took. Get therapy and talk with your ob/gyn.
You need to be on your own to go through your grief until you are ready for a family
If you were not interested in kids you probably should not be dating someone with a child much less living with them
I would seek some help so you can work through all the pain you are dealing with. If you feel close to that point, you should go with your gut and check yourself in for a bit
This isn’t the relationship for you. It also sounds like both you and him might tend to jump from relationship to relationship, and that in itself is unhealthy. You have to learn to be happy on your own for a while before being with someone else… otherwise this situation happens, and we pass our chaos off to innocent children and create a bad pattern for them.
If you want something good for you, and to be a good example for his daughter, don’t stay in this relationship.
Go get help! You have to self care before you can care about anyone else!
You need help from a therapist very bad
Is there a mental health clinic you can go to, maybe some counseling for you both?
It sounds like you need to end this relationship and seek some housing with either a domestic violence place (they can get u counseling and help with getting work, etc) or another assistance agency. It also sounds like you need grief counseling and perhaps a mental health evaluation. You need to heal and his insistence on making his child and himself the center of your world is making everything worse. Also, huge red flag that he wants you pregnant at 3 months in. That’s just weird. And he obviously can’t handle things like an adult with how he’s regulating his emotions throwing fits. Get out. Get help. Heal. You’ll never regret it. Also, he needs to start spending his energy on his daughter cause he’s actin a fool.
You need to move out, stay single and focus on yourself and your mental health
One- I’m sorry for your loss. Losing a child isn’t something anyone should go through.
Two- outright tell him what you’re looking for. Tell him that you love his kid and you don’t want to unintentionally hurt her bc you’re healing.
Three- talk to the kid, tell her that since she only gets to spend a little time with her daddy, you’re giving her the gift of time by spending a weekend away when she comes so she can have daddy all to herself while she’s there.
Four- tell him that you aren’t ready to have another child. And unless he’s suffered the same type of loss, losing a child from within your own body, he doesn’t get to make you feel bad for not wanting to have a kid. Maybe a few years down the road you might change your mind. That " what if " never goes away and some women never have kids after they experience a loss. And that is perfectly okay. Don’t torment yourself to make someone else happy. Seek therapy and make some friends. Do what makes you happy.
Shouldn’t have moved in with him shouldn’t have jumped from one relationship to the other. It’s not weird he wants you to meet her it’s his child the biggest part of his life so of course he wants you to meet her.
But you don’t sound ready to be a gf, a step mom etc it doesn’t sound like it will work his child Is a huge part of his life. You gotta get your stuff together there I’d a kid involved and it’s his.
Don’t date someone with kids if you don’t want kids. You can’t have your cake and eat it too
I don’t think you have a mental problem. You need some growing up to do. You are 22 years old? Enjoy life as a single person. Concentrate on taking care of yourself plus you dog before taking in another responsibly of being a responsible gf to any guy.
You get the cart before the horse and it doesn’t end up “happily every after”.
Both need counseling. You need separate living situations. Look into a female roommate or a small place for yourself for now. I would take a year for yourself, no man, right now. It’s just too much overlapping and crossing of boundaries. You’re coming out of a terrible situation and need time to get yourself together. Prayers!
I’m sorry… You’re living with this guy and avoiding his daughter… But were expecting him to help with the baby that wasn’t his? It kinda sounds like your using him. Maybe you’re not ready for a relationship. Once you move in with someone, you’re taking on all aspects of their life. Maybe you need to take some time away from him and figure yourself out.
I mean it’s his child. A living being he is responsible for every day, not just on visit days. That is a piece of him. She needs her dad more than you need your bf. This just sounds insane to me.
Please read Nadine Cassidy’s answer and I believe you will at last be safe, happy and in love for the rest of your life
I hope you and your fog don’t end up on the streets, but you cannot use this guy just to have a place to stay. You need to talk to a professional about your feelings
Find a healthy female roommate you can live with.
I’ve read that it takes one full year to fully recover from delivery or a loss - thanks to our hormones.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this - <3
Time to talk to a professional, for the sake of all.
You definitely have issues and it’s good you recognize that. Very big mistake in moving in together with this guy so quickly especially since you were aware of the fact he has a child. His child is his first priority rightfully so. He should be applauded for being present in his child’s life and respected for being a good dad . I’m thinking he is the one that should leave with his daughter since you are not mentally stable right now. Leaving when the child is there is pretty selfish of you and will definitely effect your relationship. In your own description, you don’t sound mentally capable of even being in a relationship right now especially with someone who has a child and is trying to be a good father to that child. Get professional help even if you have to admit yourself to a residential facility for awhile and get yourself together before, like you said, you say or do something you will later regret. This is so not fair to him or his child. Don’t take them down with you….get the help you so desperately need.
How can you love someone and avoid them? Makes no sense
Think you need time apart to heal and get stronger and he needs to grow up
Seems like yo need to be by yourself right now and that’s okay, you said you’ve been open about your mental health so do what’s best for your mentally first!!