1st. No way would he smoke in my house around my babies. 2nd. You don’t have to be abused. 3rd. Let your husband deal with him. And if he’s got any $ , watch how fast the “others” come around when he’s gone.
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Have him sent to rehab for a couple of weeks… check into someone coming to the house to help you. They will attend to him, showers evt. Then you and the kids can leave for the day. Or when hes up to it… they have daycare centers, that you can drop him off. They do activites with him and he can make friends with others his age… he is probably as unhappy as you are…
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Sounds like his own daughter wants nothing to do with him.
Maybe find out why?
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Put him.in a senior housing
Income based .
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Im not putting up with his Sh_t period
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It’s life deal with it
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Save your marriage & your family!!! Put him in a nursing home & don’t EVER take him back into your home
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As a professional caregiver, no. You do not have to put up with his behavior. There are plenty of services out there for seniors. Even the hospital he goes to for care and surgery will have resources. I would encourage you or your husband to go with him for his surgery consult and bring up that your family will not be able to care for him much longer and he will need after care. They will give plenty of options including sending nursing to the home to care for him post-surgery or options for other living arrangements. Even professional caregivers do not have to put up with horrid behavior. Staff will find other arrangements for the patient.
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I am a senior and I say “Oh hell no”. Contact Snohomish County Senior Services - ask them for recommendations for Senior Group Living homes - Assisted Living, etc. Get a bunch of brochures together and give them to him - tell him to pick one and give him a move out of your home date. You are putting him ahead of your family - and your children and husband come first. Your husband can still pick him up and take him places. He has placed the burden of his ageing father on you and that is not fair. He is also using his work as an excuse to ignore that is happening. You have to stop this before you, your marriage and family break.
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That sounds horrible. And I say HELL NO! He may be your husband’s father, but y’all aren’t children. Shame on your husband for disrespecting you by not putting a stop to it. I would never let anyone disrespect me or my children in our own home. That’s supposed to be your comfort zone!!
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I just want to say I agree with most of you. Stand up for yourself and be an advocate for your children. My grandmother was a very mean woman and many of my cousins and I have trauma from the way she treated us. Half of them didn’t even show up to her funeral. Which I am not saying is right btw. However, we didn’t live with her. I can imagine dealing with that full time is going to negatively and significantly impact your children if it hasn’t already begun to do so. Good luck to you!
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Im an advocate for taking in elderly family when they can no longer take care of themselves. BUT sometimes, you have to put your family first. Your mental health included. Sometimes people just can’t do it, and that’s okay. You have every right to tell your husband and his family “IM NOT DOING THIS.” If all those working grown kids don’t have time for it, then they’re still gonna have to pay for it in a facility. It’s just the way it is. If not, he’ll be on govt assistance and go in a nursing home. Your children don’t deserve to hear that anger every day. And neither do you. Tell your husband this is his problem and if he can’t support and respect that, (if I were you) I’d be out.
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You are in a very difficult position.
Look for resources to help out like homecare…
Tell the rest of the family hes leaving everything to you and watch how fast, they start visiting if they think they will miss out.
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Is it your house? It seems from your words it is. No more! Either find him a nice place (retirement home) or your going to have to get drastic…If you talked and pleaded and asked and nothing changes its time to change it yourself. Hugs!! I know its hard living with in-laws from my first marriage.
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Sounds more like he may be suffering from dementia. Perhaps have that checked. Our obligation to our parents, whether ours or our spouse’s, does not expire because he or she is not nice. People get crotchety when they get old. Ask me how I know. 
Also, you said your mother-in-law just died. Grief may be the root of his anger and nitpicking. Love him through it. We are all unlovable in some way. Love him anyway.
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i’m sorry but no! this is so wrong on so many levels and terrible that you have to put up with this! have your husband take care of him since he is so worried about him! itd be a whole different story if there was any respect there! but there’s NOT! i’m sorry you have to deal with this!!!
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Sounds like your husband needs to get on your side and stand up to your father in law or the father in law needs to go to assisted living until he can respect you and your home. It is fully unacceptable to be smoking in the house, especially with children present. It’s also unacceptable to be acting like he runs your house and disrespecting you.
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I will say he’ll no ! I’m not sacrificing my well-being for someone that don’t appreciate nothing it’s not fair for you to be treated like trash…
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I think that has come time to have your FIL in care, and after the impending surgery sounds a could time. Make sure you don’t neglect him when he goes into care. That would be cruel when he’s been with you all this time. Have a serious talk to your husband ASAP, be gentle. Think he sounds a caring person and he could feel guilty as. May God give you the words and strength when you talk to your husband, then both of you chat to his dad. His Dad may not recognize his personality as being stressful. I’d even bring his GP in on this problem. Who knows, he may have ideas about this…
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There might be some cognitive disability there, as far as upcoming surgery check with a social worker at hospital for resources to help with health care needs after discharge.They should be able to help. I wish you luck!!!
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If he is on Medicare I would advise his Doctors that you are not able to care fir him post surgery and he will Ned in home nursing assistance. If nothing else they will send a nurse I believe 2 times a week as well as provide a bather if he needs help with that. Beyond that advise your husband that it is time to call the sisters and brothers to see when they will be helping with the care. This should not all fall on you and your children
Does your FIL receive disability or any income that can go toward an aide? Some states have availability based off income and need to qualify for an aide for so many hours a week. Recommend looking into those options.
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If he needs help and caring for after the surgery put him in the nursing home for a month or two.
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If they can’t help physically well they can all go in and hire help. I have been there but I was fortunate to have a wonderful mil It’s a lot to care for your own kids and house then to add a elderly man with health issues is sometimes too much. Set your boundaries and stick with them. You need help and if he is in America his insurance may pay for one to come in a few days to help you
NOPE. I’d tell hubby it’s me or him. I won’t be abused or watch my kids abused in my own home. He needs to go to the sisters house or into care.
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Someone has to take care of him. Crabby or not. If too much for JUST you… Then time for assisted living. Its a hard choice. But even an asshole deserves help.
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So I was in ur shoes. My husband grandma hates me and I mean hates me tells me to get out she don’t want me here bad talks me tries to tell me what to do with my daughter but she just had surgery on her heart a d she can’t do anything for her self yet none of her family comes by they may call her but not come and help or see her I’m also a pca. After a few days of no one checking in on her she finally open up to me and let me help her people have there ways I say help him even tho he’s a butt to u cuz ibwas told kill them with kindness
I feel for your father n law but your responsibility is to your children and if he can’t be respectful in your home and your husband won’t do anything about it then he must go.
There are rehab centers that can help him recoup after surgery. 
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Nursing home time 
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Your husband is asking too much of you
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I am in the same situation. Only difference is my father in laws three kids know how he is and that is way they refuse to take care of him. Some may not agree but this is how I see it. Yes I still take care of my father in law. Two wrongs don’t make a right. He has to answer for his actions in the end, and you have to answer for yours. My kids are watching me, they are watching their papa as well. They see him being this horrible, grumpy, mean person that no one can stand. And they also see me showing some compassion, and forgiveness, and still trying to do what it right even when I am being done wrong. We all have faults, some worse than others. And we all have reasons for why we act like we do. I don’t let him walk on me by no means. I set him straight when I have to. But I speak my mind and still do what I have to for him.
Their not too busy working, they don’t want to because of all the things you described. They know how he is. And no you don’t have to care for him. You need to utilize your resources and call Human Services and get him a home health care worker.
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Yikes. I personally would have left and taken the kids with me so I commend you for being so strong. I feel like you and your husband should consider a nursing home and IF any of those kids of his have an issue them they can take him. But no you’re not in any way obligated to care for him.
If the father in law is disrespectful to you and your children you are not obligated to take care if him. Let your husband deal with it. Hopefully you work or you have family you can visit while all of this is going on. Not your responsibility at all. As soon as the father in law goes into the hospital that is when you go stay with family if you are not working. His other children can step up and care for him.
It says alot when all of that family lives in the same city but only sees him twice a year. They know he’s an asshole and don’t want to deal with it. Neither should you and your kids. Tell your husband to get a backbone or you and your kids need a new place to live because he is toxic to you and your kids. Your kids don’t need that and it will have long term bad effects if you let it continue. Tell him to quit smoking in YOUR house, respect you and your kids, respect the house rules, or get the hell out.
IT IS YOUR HUSBAND’S JOB. NOT YOURS. Thats HIS dad…not yours. Your husband needs to put SEVERAL foots down immediately. He needs to help his dad if his dad needs help, or find someone to help his dad if he is unable. You got some patience, girl. I would have physically kicked his ass out the second he lit a cigarette in my house.
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Your not obligated but he is your husband’s dad
I suggest Shady Pines nursing home.
Put him in nursing home for strengthening after his surgery. No it’s not your responsibility dont let husband guilt you. He cant live forever and if he ends up with a colostomy u dont want to be changing it
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No you are not but I would but I also would put my foot down no smoking in the house I would toss his cigarettes out if he didn’t listen also I would stick up for my kids no excuse but was he like this before his wife passed
Look into a recovery center he can stay in while he’s recuperating from surgery. Or maybe a nurse? His insurance should pay for it.
If those are not an option, your husband needs to have a conversation with his father about his treatment of you and your children and put some boundaries down. What he is doing is abuse. You are going to end up with PRSD if you don’t already have it. Luck!!!
No, I wouldn’t do it any longer, it’s the sisters turn, or assisted living.
A rehab center where he can stay until he is able to attend himself. Your hubby is not going to abandon his dad. So start thinking of dad as a grumpy toddler. He is controlling you because you let him. So what if he isn’t happy. Just agree and do your own thing. Been there, done that with my MIL. I just decided she didn’t matter and didn’t let her ruin my mood.
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Maybe try geting ahold of some o e for at home care for him like a nurse are a nursing home not telling you what to do but it may make it easier on you , but my mother in law had to have surgery me n the old man stay home took care of her husband , live and cherish them thear your ol man’s parents and he lives them kids maybe don’t know how to show it
Get an in home care nurse. If he is already verbally abusive towards you. I wouldn’t add the pain if surgery to that.
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How old is he because hell to my daughter and sons I am an old woman and i am only 38. This man still getting around and smoking and everything else he might not even be old enough for assisted living or the nursing home…
Out out out out out. That is all. Good luck dear.
He smokes around your babies? Oh hell no. Whats wrong with you for allowing that
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Let him go to rehab hospital to recoverable he will appreciate what he has. He probably has dementia and can’t help himself but u and ir children should not have to be tortured by him. Send him to a nursing home where ALL the children will have to kick in for his care.
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While he’s in your house, it’s your obligation. Ignoring his needs, at least here, is elder abuse. However, I’d discuss with your husband about him moving to an adult care facility. If he doesn’t agree then start treating him like a child “this is my home and you will respect it.” If he lights up a cigarette, snap it. If he calls someone names, take his tv away or something else he likes. Treat him exactly how you would treat your kid. He’ll either get sick of it and leave, straighten up, or do something stupid and go to jail.
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Send his ass to a home or I’d cuss his ass out when he talks to you bad he needs to learn respect
My own mother did this shit. Moving into my house and disrespecting me and my husband, smoking inside. When she started being mean to my kids I threw her ass out. We have not spoken to each other in 4 years, it’s been so peaceful.
Maybe sit down and talk with your father in law about his behavior and being disrespectful in ur home. See what’s going on with him to make him caused to act rudely and disrespectfully towards you and your family, not making an excuse for him but he might be acting his way bc he might have bottled in his pain & hurt of his wife’s passing and never been able to talk about it or heal properly from it causing him to act disrespectfully and rudely towards you and everyone in the house, again not making excuses for the man at all, just trying to help you find a solution that will work for everyone in the end after talking to him and finding what might behind his rude behavior 
also when you do talk to him about his behavior try making hints on rehabilitation centers after surgery and then going into assisted living facility or talking to his insurance or your husband about hiring a nurse after surgery if he doesn’t want to go in an ALF, BTW also try to get him into a counselor to help with his unseen pain too 
But girlie set your foot down and make some ground rules for him to follow while under your roof:speaking_head: when setting n in forcing your house rules stay firm and stand your ground especially Everytime he breaks them do not back down at all no matter what anytime he lashes out, gets angry/upset over the simplest things, try doing the four w & h method with used it all the time when I was supervisor of a babysitting company 
Also have a talk with your husband about your f-n-l behavior and see if y’all can agree on what’s best to do with ur father in-law I hope this might help a little bit for you 
Assisted living here we come! (If I was in your shoes)
Or I’d be dropping him off at the sister’s house!
…sounds like you’ve put up with enough!! Goodluck to you
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You should take care of father in law because obviously his own family decided they dont want to.and sad and pathetic as that is you cant make anybody do anything they dont want to.your father in law is an old man w poor health who needs help.one day we might be in the same situation.do the right thing, take care of him with a loving attitude, it wont be forever.your children are watching you and learning from you, you are teaching them to be kind regardless by your example.it may be hard, but its worth it.treat him like you like to be treated and your reward will be you helped your husband too.and did the right thing.if i lived near you id come and help you.(((hugs)))
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It can be so stressful and difficult caring for a family member and especially for a family member who doesn’t respect the rules of the home. I agree with Katie Cheatham. You need to take care of yourself. Discuss your concerns with his medical provider and ask them who to contact for help. Contact Health and Welfare, Medicare and Medicaid. Call St Alphonsus or St Lukes for recommendations. Be firm with your husband about this.
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Been there send him to rehab after surgery so many days free then maybe he realize how good he had it
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I’d say if there is no recovery place for him to go be straight forward with your father in law. Stop having your husband talk to him, time to put your foot down and put him in his place! If someone doesn’t respect me in my home I’m gonna let them know I don’t appreciate it. I feel he thinks he can walk all over you because you hide behind your husband. Time to take a stand, some grumpy old men need to put in their place.
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Nobody visits because they don’t want to be treated like you are. Sounds like it is time for a nursing home and maybe assisted living when he recovers. You are teaching your kids that is ok and creating a toxic environment for all of you. You husband isn’t abandoning him and can still see him some. Besides what is this doing to you. I bet you have your own health issues from the stress. If you don’t you will.
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Can yall bring help into the home?
Where is your husband when all of this going on?
I can Google a nursing home for you if you’d like.
I would tell my husband to find his father accommodations in a nursing home. Your children don’t deserve that crap. He can be miserable in the nursing home and his son can go visit him.
FYI If you and your husband refuse to take care of him. He will have to stay in hospital until THEY find him a nursing home. Not sure what country you live in. But in Canada they cannot force you to take a sick/elderly person who cannot care for themselves. They have to discharge him to somebody. If you refuse they will find him placement for you. He will go to a transition area of the hospital for elderly people waiting for long term care homes. Good luck.
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I’d be kicking him out. Once he’s out maybe he will realise what he had and respect you
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You’re not obligated to care for anyone who didn’t come out of your vagina lol
Call his Medicare plan and request home healthcare for post surgery you are NOT obligated to do anything, but it seems that you love and respect your husband very much, but is it respectful to you that the entire family has put so much on you? You do what you do out of commitment to your partner but the other family members are taking advantage of a situation that they themselves have determined they are not obligated to handle!
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Girlfriend he lives with you. He can also hit the door.
Don’t become him do the right thing
I’m sorry for your situation and I don’t think you are obligated to care for him. Even if he was nice to you, he still has other family that should be doing their part also.
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Did it ever occur to you that as you mentioned he is elderly - he lost the love of his life and the ability to really take care of himself - and he probably doesn’t know how to cope with his loss and then put in the situation he is in with a house full of kids that he is not used to and not really having his own space as he was accustomed to. I do respect how you feel with being the main one taking on that responsibility of care taker and just maybe he doesn’t know how to be perfect kind loving soul you would prefer but try to continue to show him love and kindness and you will be rewarded by God for your good deeds and remember the resentment you show is showing your children how they will treat you when you become old and have to move in with them one day - always show compassion for your loved ones bc one day sooner than you think they will no longer be here. God Bless you all and may you make the right decision on his surgery.
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See if a nurse can come and help out
Get him a grandparent shed if you can
Absolutely not he can go to respite to recover some time apart would be overdue on both your parts Maybe hell be a bit more pleasant to you if not .Your home is your home and you cant be unhapoy
Seriously, I am going to look at this at a totally different angle. This is NOT about your Father-In-Law, this is about CHILDREN. What is wrong with your husband allowing this man, his dad or not, disrespecting his wife in the presence of his children? This is absolutely not acceptable, your Father-in-Law doesn’t have to like you but he needs to tolerate and respect you in the presence of your children.
That being said, I would have your husband explain to you FIL in your presence, disrespect will not be tolerated. Disrespect my wife in my house and you will have to recover somewhere else. (One would think your husband had to follow your FIL’s rules when he was a child…no different)
Best of luck…God Bless! 
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Him being so rude and disrespectful is not a good example for your children. Consider sending him to a caring facility.
Nursing home! Let your husband read some of the advice people are giving you. You and the children come first. Don’t back down and give in to taking care of him. You are not being mean and you deserve some respect. Good luck Girl 
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Family meeting time everyone needs to do their three months!
Put him in rehab nursing home to get well. Let social worker in hospital know you have too much on your plate to help with recovery. Medicare pays for the stay
No. Not your responsibility. That is up to your husband and his siblings to figure out.
Nursing Home! Check on permanent housing depending on his abilities.
I would still care for him even with his foul behavior. He might feel depressed about how his life had turned out. Your husband had only one dad and your kids only have limited grandpa’s… Don’t be a person full of resentment and hatred work with him even counseling could help…but don’t turn your back on family… You wouldn’t want that done to you…if you were in his shoes…
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I’m just here for the comments, I couldn’t get past the “impotence”
I would not tolerate it… your kids come first and thier happiness… it’s a lot to handle taking care of elderly loved ones…even family!!! You have to do what’s best for your household… sit down and talk with your husband about putting him in a nursing home… no one will ever understand what your going through until they go through it and experienced it… believe me I know what your talking about… I hope you and your husband can come together and agree that’s what is best for him… I wish you and your family the best
Pardon my french…but…HELL NO!!!your not obligated, i work in geriatrics and im telling you that being older comes with alot of changes mentally, physically and oftwn times personality changes but if they are a ugly person younger they gonna be older. His family dont cone around because he proably always been a asshole…they have facilities that can give him care for a short term, maybe become long term
I’m a senior and I say Hell No! #1 your children should come first and the cigarettes are putting their health in danger. #2 after surgery he needs to go into a rehab center until he can care for himself. #3 have a good heart to heart with your husband. If he won’t listen make an appointment with a therapist and maybe he’ll listen to a stranger. This is NOT healthy for you or your children! Yes, please take care of your seniors in the family but when they are so disrespectful, they must change or go into a nursing home! No, that isn’t mean! My mom had dementia and I put her in a really good home. We put her on Medicaid to cover the cost. Some people tried to make me feel bad for not caring for Mom myself but I felt that she was safer where she was since she was an escape artist. Trust me, if you have to get nasty to have your husband take your concerns seriously, do it. You might have to tell your husband that it’s DAD OR US! Tell him that you and the kids will move out if the dad stays. Nobody has to put up with abuse from anyone!
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He won’t be around forever…when you marry a man you marry his family. Not all parents wether in laws or biological are gems.
Smoking inside with the children
Unkind to your children
Your stressed which is not good for your children or marriage
Then he’s got to go
I’m sorry I’m completely willing to take care of an in-law but not at the expense of my child
You’re not mad at your husband as well?!
I’m not trying to be rude… but your husband needs to put the family he created first. Your father in-law completely disrespects you and your children in your home and your husband says nothing and you can’t either. I don’t think so. I understand he’s elderly but that is not excuse to behave the way he is. Pops would have to go!
This may sound harsh, but I’d tell my husband… it’s me and the kids or him. You choose.
Hell no!! I would have left if putting my foot down didn’t work. There are places and ways to get that man some help other than you suffering in your own home!!!
As somebody who is done in home health care know he is going to need better care. He needs to go to a rehab in your husband needs to stop putting all the responsibility onto you. It is evidently causing hardship on you personally weather be physically or mentally your husband should not be doing that. I say a rehab after surgery and maybe a long-term facility
He needs to go to a nursing home. The way he acts is permanently scarring your children. It’s not fair to wreck their lives just to help a someone who isn’t a good person.
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You certainly don’t have to do any of that. Especially if you are angry all the time in your own home. I couldn’t abide that myself. On the bright side… He’ll probably die soon.
I’m sorry but nobody is going to live in my house and disrespect me and my children, I would have kicked him out. Just because he is family doesn’t mean anything
Your kids come first. The smoke in the home is enough for me to say see ya later! If he can’t at least respect rules that keep your family safe and healthy he’s gotta go
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I agree with Kathy! He is probably unhappy his wife died and now he has to live with his son! Either push for assisted living or tell your husband to get his sister to step up and share the load. But, tell your father-in-law that his grumpy personality and downright rudeness is the reason it has come to this!
No, he is rude and technically not your father.
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Christa Hope totally agree with you. Two wrongs do not make a right.
First of all you do not have to accept this behavior because he’s your husband father. I’d tell my husband to put his ass in a home or I’m gone. Eight years of enduring this treatment & your husband allows this. It’s time for you to stand up for yourself & your children
Get him the fuck out!!!