Am I obligated to care for my father in law even though he is rude to me?

How to deal with in-laws? Father-in-law have been living with us almost 8 years, and all those years I have endured his cigarette inside the house, checking and counting the food, watching my childrens what they’re eating or doing, when he gets angry he starts insulting and smoking inside the house, ( he has already been told that not to smoke inside but still the same ) and about 4 years ago he made a dinner and I was cooking another for myself because I didn’t liked the food he do ( was liver, I don’t like livers ) and my father in-law insulted me calling me rude names, I was so mad but I told my husband to talk with him :man_facepalming:t2: He lives with us because since my mother in-law passed away my husband takes him with us so that he’s dad wouldn’t be alone because he is already very old and my husband’s fear is that something happens to him while he is alone… I have suffered a lot of anger, crying, impotence for not be able to do or saying something to him cause how old he is… my husband works a lot and when he has free time he takes to my children and me to somewhere to de-stress us of how my father-in-law is, I have never seen a kiss or a hug from my father-in-law towards my children, always bad faces… well, my question is… My father-in-law is going to have surgery on his intestines, and I know he will need care and help ( I’ve been helping him before when he sick, and I cleaned his restroom and his room carpet cause he was not able to poo on time ) So is it my obligation to help him and take care of him after how he was with me and my children??? Trust me, that I am angry with him for everything I have endured and I have never disrespected him, and I never insulted him… My father-in-law has another daughter, four grandchildren all married, and they are living in the same city, but nobody visits him only two times a year, thanksgiving and Christmas Day, only… I told my husband to call his family to take care of him, but nobody wants, because “too busy working.

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Im sorry but he would be going to assisted living i would not help someone who treats me and my babies like dirt there is a reason his other kids dont want him to stay with them sorry but he has to go

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See if you can hire a nurse through his insurance or ask is family where he needs to stay while recovering as he probably won’t allow you to be his caretaker.
You do enough, let them figure it out.

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You need to back away, and care for your husband and children but dont ask request that family help do the physical care .

Find a facility that cares for the elderly and stick him in it. Request you be called if his health starts to decline or seems like he’s knocking on deaths door.
They can care for him properly, especially after his surgery, they can give him attention and he can live amongst others his age. He won’t be alone and wont die alone.
You guys can then go visit him whenever, and you can have your home back.

Bring it up to your husband. Tell him how stressed you are, and that smoking is horrible for your children.

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Fuck that old piece of shit!!! Put your foot down and stand up for yourself…he needs to be a grown up and find care gor himself instead of assuming your gonna do it…hell no i wouldnt even talk to him if he treated me and my kids like that…make your voice heard!!!

His insurance should pay for a visiting nurse and overnight nurse to help with his care.

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You are not obligated. If your husband really wants to take care of him tell him then it’s all him and you won’t be helping. I would have told my husband long ago that he either changes the way he behaves or he can live alone or in an assisted living facility.

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It’s like this, my home is my safe haven. It’s the one place that I know I can come to and find peace no matter what’s going on in my life. NOBODY will come in my home and be disrespectful to me and mine. NOBODY!!! If you’re causing chaos in my home, you’ve gotta go, I don’t care who gets angry with me. If my husband has an issue with it, he can go too. :woman_shrugging: Not even sorry! If I can’t even go home and have peace there is something very wrong with that situation and I don’t have to feel bad for handling it accordingly.

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He needs to go to a nursing home as you have enough on your plate. You need to sit down and talk to your husband about that. He won’t be alone there!

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From a nursing standpoint if he stays 3 midnight’s in a hopsital he should be able to get atelast a 20 day hospital stay from Medicare…

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Send him to Assisted living. why should you give up your life for this ungrateful monster. I’m so angry at this!

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It’s not your responsibility. It shouldn’t be falling on you especially with how he treats you and smokes in your house with being told to stop. Find assisted living because even if you bring in a nurse to help, he is still going to have the same attitude and smoke in the house. Tell your husband you are done and don’t back down. Don’t let him guilt you into continuing on a miserable path.

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Your husbands family can hire a caretaker . Not your problem. And he would NEVER smoke in my house but once … heaven help him if he did it again .

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Your husband should have him put in a nursing home,he shouldn’t depend on you to take care of him

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Reality is, you’re not obligated to take care of anyone that’s not your kids

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You could always ask that he stay in a rehabilitation center until he has recovered.

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My father-in-law didn’t live with us, I had everything you mentioned, insults thrown but not the swearing to my face. When he was diagnosed with lung cancer, I tried to help. He was terminal for 2yrs and only 3 months before he died did his tune change towards me. I’m not saying that it is ok for him to mistreat you but just be patient.
Now in saying that, what has happened since he died and would I do the same for my mother-in-law… NO.
I am just glad and thank God our home renovations weren’t finished when he passed away, because I honestly contemplated taking her in because her children told us we had to take her in, clearly they didn’t want her and because we were told we had to take her as we were the youngest.
God is watching, I can honestly say my conscience is clear and because of that I feel I have a tower of strength.

So sorry you have to do this. I had something similar with a mother in law. She is now in assisted living. Your life , it counts, and you deserve to live it.

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Your father in law is abusive, and your husband is allowing it. And this behavior WILL affect your children. He’s got to go to a home that can give him the care he needs. You’re supposed to be enjoying raising your babies and you should feel loved in your own home. He has destroyed your quality of life. Shame on your husband for pushing you into this unfair predicament. :heart:

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What you allow will continue🤷🏻‍♀️

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Your husband and his siblings need to find him an assisted living home. You need to be able to enjoy your kids and husband. If changes do not happen resentment will start to set in with your husband and only get worse as time goes on. Things like this can break a marriage, even the best of marriages. Communication and boundaries need to be clear and set into place… You need to have boundaries and you most definitely need those boundaries when it comes to your families home. Just remember you need to be happy, this is your life as well. Also your children don’t need the toxicity of your husband’s father either. You have to take into account that this is prob affecting your kiddos too. Sending good vibes your way, I know this is hard but work through this with your husband. Happyness is around the corner for you.

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No you are teaching your kids to take abuse teach them this is wrong

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Not your obligation to be treated badly. It’s your right to be happy and comfortable in your home. Your children should not see you be treated like this. It’s not good for their upbringing. Do not feel guilty. It’s never too late to make changes. It’s your obligation to be good to yourself. your family will be better for it. Live your best life!

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If your husband has a fit tell him then he can do it

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awe I’m sorry you need to find him some help sounds like you have alot on your plate … my house is my safe place . it’s a no smoking place and if the person can’t respect that they can’t stay

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I say get some assisted living info and give it to your husband . At this point I’d be giving him an ultimatum your father or me

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I’d be mad.
Your hubby needs to pitch in more if he’s to stay.
Make your husband care for his father.
He loves his dad and doesn’t want him to be lonely, we get that. But the in law is not a child, and is not YOUR responsibility.
You need to not be a push over too. Tell him to get his ass outside with that smoke. Put your foot down to let him and your husband know you are serious.

Talk to your husband about assisted living. Its not right that you have to take care of him if he is nothing but rude to you. And stand your ground.

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I’d just straight say I’m not taking care of him period you don’t have to that’s to much and you have your kids and hubby to worry about I can’t believe your hubby would put that on you he should be in a assisted living care where people can’t take care of him because that’s just to much for 1 person and he’s treating you bad and kids no that’s not even right I’d put my foot down and say I’m not doing it I’m done :white_check_mark: and if hubby don’t like it tell him to do it

You need to talk to your husband alone. Tell him how you are feeling. I refuse to have my mother inlaw live with us. Tell your husband that his father has to move to another family members house and live with them, share the load of responsibility instead of it being lumbered all on yourselves. Obviously your husband does not care about the problems in which you have encountered with his father.

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Listen, you’ll probably end up taking care of him because it appears your heart is too good. Your feelings are valid and your husband needs to set guidelines to your father in law.

Devils advocate, he’s probably depressed, old and physically doesn’t feel good. Probably wouldn’t care if he passed away tomorrow, which is common unfortunately. But he needs to treat you and the home he lives in better and it’s up to your husband to do a man to man talk with his dad.

You are strong and I’m sure you’re an amazing caregiver. Find a good support group and keep your emotions priority.

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No you are not obligated to take care of anyone but your own kids, thats it!! Espically one that treats you like shit. I don’t believe tjat crap about just blindly respecting elders because some realy don’t deserve any. Tell him to talk to other family, hire a nure or start looking for a good mursing home. Ill be damned if I live with or care for anyone who disrespects myself or my children. My home is my safe space.

Poor kids and you but mostly the kids. I wouldn’t take care of him. Your husband could.

You’ve done more than your share. Put him in a home somewhere if nobody in the family will take him.

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It’s time to put your foot down. Not sure your situation but it’s not your responsibility to look out for him. You got to defend your children and sounds like he is causing tension in your home and it’s affecting everyone except your husband.

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I would have booted his ass for smoking in my house around my kids! The fact that your husband has to take you and the kids away to de-stress from living/enduring his father speaks volumes. Talk to your husband, tell him that you will not be his fathers caretaker because that’s what you will be if this continues.

You’re not suppose to sacrifice your well-being to take care of someone else. By the sounds of it, his family stay away because they can’t deal with him.

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Depending on his age if you tell the Dr are hospital social worker it will be to much for you to care for him after surgery they maybe able to look into rehab until he’s healed.If this happens it’s time to have a serious conversation with your husband while he’s not around about how this effects you,the kids,and your relationship with him.We all love our parents .Some of us even though we have been treated bad by them.I know 1st hand how hard that decision is to have a parent in assisted living are a nursing home. He has to choose though what is best for your family.It maybe be also he feels guilty if he does it so just try to be gentle but firm about how things are.

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Definitely look into a nursing facility for after his surgery.

No! Let him go into assisted living to recover

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If he is going to the hospital for surgery ask to speak with his case manager. You and your husband need to ask her to direct him to assisted living
. If needed there are places that are Medicare paid .

As far as sending him to assisted living. He could go while recovering usually but if he is in his right mind and has not given power of attorney over to anothet family member you cannot make him go to a home. You can make him get out of your home if your husband isnt willing to take care of him.

First of all it’s YOUR house. He shouldn’t smoke in doors regardless of what you say out of respect.

Abuse isn’t ok. He needs to be in assisted living

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Kick his arse out the disrespectful arsehole no ways and I don’t care who is would i ever put up with that and if my husband said No he’s not going , then guess what you want him living with you sweet as, pack your shit get out and take him with you Lmao :joy:

Not your obligation!

Old people are the most hypocritical, say something! My 80 year old grandfather is THE WORST when it comes to telling people off and then doing the exact thing he growled them for…

Followed right after, with a growling from me!

Who pays the bills?
Kick him out.

They don’t want to take care of him because he’s a jerk. It’s not your obligation.

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Omg girl you truly have the biggest heart. I myself wouldn’t be able to do this. How about nursing home?

You need to grow a pair and put your husband in his place.

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Definitely look into a nursing home. It sounds like he is to much for you to handle and especially after his surgery. Tell your husband that y’all can visit him as often as he wants, but he is causing hostile living conditions for you and the kids.

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Simply put NO. If he’s that bad and disrespectful to you then NO. You do not HAVE to do anything that’s your husband’s responsibility. If he was kind then I’d say you should help because that’s your husband’s family and that makes them your family to however w that type of surgery unless you are a nurse he needs a nursing home for rehabilitation especially if he ends up w a Colostomy bag common for after Intestinal surgery.

If you put him into a assisted care or a retirement home look at the reviews of the place and see if you can install cameras in his room so that you can monitor if hes being cared for properly.

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thats d reason his family doesnt want anythn to do with him… bcz hes rude and abusive

Father in law needs to go.
Period.
He isn’t one of your children and you’re not obligated to sacrifice your peace of mind for him.

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Put him in a home, he doesn’t HAVE to live with you and you don’t HAVE to look after him.

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Maybe suggest a nursing home for recovery. Then your husband will see the difference at home with him gone. Maybe he’ll see that it’s best for everyone to have their own home. If not at least you got a short break while he recovered. The other children probably know his behavior and don’t want to deal with it.

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Put him in assisted living where they at least get paid to put up with old grumpy bumps like him. I can’t even begin to believe your spouse thinks this is an acceptable arrangement. The stress on you as a mother and now a nurse is outrageous. Scrubbing poo out of the carpet isn’t unheard of in motherhood but… it’s your fil poo not your kids. No no absolutely not you have no obligation to this disrespectful man.

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Wow, you deserve a break. For rehab, a facility isn’t a bad idea. Im 59 & I fell last summer & spent 85 days in rehab. It was hard because due to covid, there were no visitors allowed. Overall, it wasn’t bad. Just check out the place he’s going. They aren’t all created equal. Make sure the food is edible & that they have alternates on a regular menu. Example, I dislike pork chops & pulled pork. There were several things I could get. Also, check their ratings & ask around for suggestions in your area. You might want him in Tim Buck Two, but your husband will want to visit! Usually, most have assisted living connected with them if that’s what you decide to do. Good luck!

Nobody else wants to deal wity him bc he is probably the same with them. He is in your home so it will likely just fall on you. Tell your husband take a couple days off.

I’d send out a nice worded email to all ppl involved. Plainly stating that your done. It’s either their home or a nursing home… Doesnt seem like you’ve really had a life with your husband you’ve ran a hotel and had stress these last 8 years.

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Hire an in home care giver to come into ur home to care for him. At least part time?

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I can totally understand where you coming from, I have a rude and obnoxious father in law that lives with us and I also put up with him but maybe hire a care giver to take care of him or put him in the homes. It is rather difficult to take care of someone like that.

You are very caring but this is undoubtedly affecting your children. Get lots of research done into nursing homes/ assisted living facilities. Have all the information ready.
Speak with your husband , quietly but firmly- tell him that this arrangement can’t continue and that your father in law has to go. Show him the research you’ve done, tell him you’ll help him choose a facility. But be unwavering. There is NO other option.
If your father in law kicks off when told - again be calm. Tell him you all love him but that it is HIS behaviour, and treatment of you and your children that is unacceptable. And then walk away. No further discussion.
Stop the daily slavery to him. If he can cook he can clean up.

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Sorry to read your story, you are in a situation I can relate to.
I was where you are now, only after 3 years I had a nervous breakdown.
My doctor helped me.
Please go and talk to your doctor!

There’s help and you definitely need it.
You come first, your children.
Your husband needs to acknowledge your health and happiness matters.
There is no need for you to endure this anymore.

Good luck.

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You need to tell them to take care of their own father not your problem or responsibility your being used and abused live your life in peace with your children

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I bet your father in law doesn’t tell your son he loves him…? That generation didn’t hug or kiss. They didn’t say I love you. You knew they loved you for their actions towards you. Doesn’t make it right, just how they are. My advice, find out how much a nursing home is, send that to the other children of his. You housed, feed and everything else for the past 8 years… so it’s their turn to take on the financial burden… for the next 8 years… fair?

At the end of the day, he’s family, can’t do what he once could do, lost his wife, it’s hard on elderly people. Doesn’t give him the right to disrespect you!! Women! Give it right back to him! And when y’all eating steak and shrimp and he got a pb&j in front of him, say “that’s what’s on the menu for grumpy old men”. The cigarettes :rofl: how does he get them??? For the sack of his health… he should really quit today! Very dangerous!! Slip some damn CBD oil in his drinks :wink:.

I dont know what to do but i know that ur husband is a gem… The only child taking care of his old grumpy father… . :heart:

First off I don’t know if you’re writing this out of emotion & couldn’t form correct sentences because of that or if this is just how you speak. I’m not trying to offend you but It’s very hard to understand.

It sounds like your FIL has mental health issues. I’d try to get him help.

No you’re not obligated to take care of him. He’s not your father. Your husband & his sister need to step to the plate. If the sister won’t do it then put him in a senior living place (not nursing home) & sue her for half his expenses. She’s his next of kin as well as your husband. They’re responsible for him. Not you.

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Leave nursing home pamphlets on the table. They can take care of him there. :woman_shrugging:

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How have you not snapped and made him have a heart attack yet? I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone disrespect me in my own house. Old man or not, he’s an ahole and needs to be put in his place and then put in a nursing home. No way will I let someone that rude and hateful live under the same roof as my babies. That’s a great way for your kids to learn how to start treating you.
And no you are not obligated to do anything for that man. At all. Ever. Make the old man’s other kid take care of him, she can always have a nurse take care of him while she’s at work. If not, put him in a home.

TBH I would have made my husband choose a long time ago… My sanity and the well-being of my kids mean more to me than that.

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Wow! I think you are a saint for putting up with this for so long in your own house!!

I think it sounds like you need your life back!
and As everyone has said a home for your father in law or an at home care giver for your own sanity. :sweat_smile:

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Drop him off at the dog pound.

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Have a word with hubby about respite care or putting his father in sheltered accomidation. Responsibility isnt yours. You have your own kids to think about and their futures. Unless youve been a carer its hard to give advice. I cared for my dad 15 yrs who was alcoholic. 3 brothers hardly bothered. Its when dad got ill, I wanted him to live with my family. Brothers and mum went against my wishes. He went to nursing home. Only now I realise it was best decision. When visiting mt dad now I can be his daughter not his carer. Hardest bit for you is he’s not your parent. He’s your hubbys. Hubby cant expect all responsibility to land on you. You will become resentful and could affecct your own family if carrys on.

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If he is cranky and shorty to you… you tell him that is not his house and he is free to leave when he wants to if he doesn’t pull his head in. I always believe that you marry the girl/ boy … you marry the family… but he needs to respect you if he is to live with you.

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I very say see ya Nursing home can deal with bow

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Tell ur husband to employ a carer … put ur foot down … if u don’t start to say no …it will always be down to u … simply flat out refuse… threaten to put a pillow over his face … that may help ur husband decide it would be best to get a carer for his grumpy git father :laughing:

Put him in assisted living he can go to a nursing home for rehab and then assisted living. Your husband needs to MAN up or I would take my kids and go let your husband deal with his dad for awhile then he will wake up. It’s not fair to you or your kids. Wake up girl I wish I would have a lot sooner

Nobody wants to take him because he’s abusive

Old man or not…you can tell him to f*ck off. I’d tell my husband to either find a stay at home job and deal with his father alone or id just take the kids on a long vacation to my mothers. No body under any circumstances has the right to treat you or your children in a bad way. Period.

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I would say I would take care of him… But would do it the same way he treats you… cook him shit he doesn’t like and call him names when he doesn’t eat it… I would belittle him when he shits himself… And say there old man… you’ve been treating me like shit for so long … How do you like it ??
Really though… I wouldn’t do that… but I’d be tempted to.
Has he always been this angry… or just after his wife died?? Maybe he’s grieving?? Still not an excuse to treat you and your kids nasty… idk
I would tell him under normal circumstances you would help… but can’t because he treats you terribly… and then I would ask the hospital what kind of services they have that will come to the home to help him.

If no other family members are willing to share or alternate in caring for him, he needs to be placed in a nursing or assisted living home. I would not sacrifice the household harmony for my children for such a rude and ungrateful individual. Your mental health and that of your children should be more important to your husband.

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His own children do not offer to help because I’m sure he is rude and ungrateful to them as well let him go to rehab facility

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I would send him to a temp nursing/ hospice care facility to recover. Maybe he will like it and stay. Chances are he will not fully recover

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I agree nursing home. He is a very unhappy person. This is reflected on you and your children. You should not have to live this way. If he is able to cook and such there are assisted living facilities

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Been there. My husband and I had a discussion, I was not very calm. I told him I couldn’t endure it any longer. We built a guest house and he moved in there. It helped,but we still had issues. It’s so hard.

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I feel for you I have been there. Your husband there as no one else is but the burden is yours and everyone is suffering. Talk to your husband and tell him for your mental health and the children that you are no longer able to continue. That he has to be proactive in finding his father other living arrangements. And start immediately to find it. That when he is home you can visit or get him for the day BUT he cannot continue to reside with you.

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Did you say he Lives in your house ? If so then it is up to you and your husband to come to an agreement on his Fathers Actions and the rest of the Family should help out at Least once a month

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I have the same problem, but MIL, I am leaving. Just done!

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Talk to his doctor about his behavior. My step dad became very mean as he aged. His doctor put him on xanax and my mom crunched it up in his food because he wouldn’t take it. Huge change in his behavior!

I understand your dilemma. My mom lived with us for 17 months before she passed. She made my life miserable at times, because SHE was miserable. She hated being sick and not being able to care for herself, having to give up her independence, making her own meals, bathing herself, etc. She was DEPRESSED. Who wouldn’t be? Depression can manifest itself in many ways, anger being one of them. He’s lonely, depressed and GRIEVING over losing his wife. This does not excuse his behavior, but hopefully it will give you a little insight as to what really may be going on with him. No one would fault you for trying to find him another place to live, but I think as kind as you sound, you would feel bad and regret that in his last days he was surrounded by strangers. Maybe the opportunity will present itself that you and he can have a heart to heart talk. Communication is everything. Tell him, not your husband, how you feel and about his treatment of the children. Let him know that grandparents play an important role in the lives of children and you feel that your children are really missing out on a wonderful relationship with him because of his emotional distance. Not only are they missing out, but he is too. Hopefully, he will open up and both of you can gain some understanding of each other’s feelings about the whole situation. God bless you. But to answer your original question, NO, you are not OBLIGATED to take care of him just because he is family.

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You need to talk to your husband. Thats a horrible living situation for you. And for him not to respect you as a family member shows a lot.

Nursing homes might do him good. Being around other people his own age and 24 7 care

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Ask for someone to come in and help if not ask for a nursing home until he recovers who knows maybe he will want to stay

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He wouldn’t be around me or my children. If you are miserable so are your children. Sounds like your husband doesn’t give a shit either as long as he doesn’t have to take care of him 24/7. It’s his Dad.

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You are in a very tough situation and I admire you for putting up with his nasty demeanor for so long. I have to agree with Debbie Fenner above .

Just tell the father in law how you feel and if he gets rude still tell your husband your not going to help him that he’s going to have to hire a nurse

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You are a kind and good hearted spirit! In your heart you already have been doing the right thing and you have built up so much merit! Good karma is yours! A bright future ahead. What you need is a break. Some time off so you do not get burned out. I understand completely. I took care of my father in law and my father and they are both gone. If I did not practice Falun Dafa , I would never have pulled through. I would never let go of my anger, my resentments, and my attachment to self. Thanks you for being a light in a dark world! What is Falun Gong? | Falun Dafa Information Center