Go do something Special for your self 
. He will catch on
Cooking and cleaning is NOT a birthday present. That is something that that the family should help with daily. Just like the household needing a new vacuum or toaster⊠those are household needs, not something a mom should get for a present. Iâm not saying he needed to go all out (my husband and I donât go all out for birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas because throughout the year, we just buy what what we need/want) but SOMETHING should have been done to make you feel special on your birthday. Even if it was just a card with a little note in it. And you are justified in feeling how you do, donât let him make you think otherwise. The children aside, when it comes to his birthday, do the same thing. Make sure the house is clean, cook him dinner and tell him Happy Birthday.
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Forget when his birthday comes aroundâŠ
Do same on his birthday maybe he will see it a different way then.
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Itâs been five years. Nothing is gonna change unless You do something about it. Tell Him what You want , 1) card 2) gift 3) cake. A week before ,give him the list and add four possible gifts youâd like. If he wonât go ,get it yourself and have the kids shop and sign the card. What do You do for His birthday? I bet that You do the cake and everything. Well stop doing his birthday if he wonât do yours !!! Sorry little Momma 
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I get it. Hugs.
Men are funny. They donât think like us. My husband announces that he pushed the button on the dishwasher and washed the dishes. Mind you I probably loaded 90% of the dishes and put the dishwasher pod in the dispensers while waiting for the last couple dishes to added. Then I unload the dishwasher. To him itâs an act of love. Lol
Iâve learned that I have to tell him exactly what I want for my birthday, anniversary or Christmas. A photo is helpful too. Tell the kids ahead if time that they can make you a birthday card. Those are better than store bought cards. And I tell my husband not to waste his money on cards. I prefer a lotto scratch ticket. Lol Iâve been married 42 years and Iâm only 29. Ask my grandkids. Lol No marriage is perfect even if you see it on fb. Lifeâs too short. Give him a big hug. Christmas is coming. Tell him exactly what you want. Maybe dinner and a drive to look at Christmas lights is more meaningful than store bought stuff. Enjoy life. 
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They did do something for you and it wasnât in the form of gift or card. Thatâs okay, not everyone is into that, thatâs not how they do. Respect that. You want something from the kids to remember? Do it. Sit down with them and do crafty things, ask them to make cards, do something with them personally rather than expecting someone else to and you get what you want out of it. That way not only will you get what you want out of it but youâll be doing it with them. Or you can beg for a signed hallmark card BUT itâd mean much more in the long run the other way. He did what works for him in his love language, that should mean something to you. Make memories over an overpriced hallmark card with names. Youâll wish you had later.
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Mine has mixed years, lol. Like this past year he had me a cake made (even if it did slip in the car and smash up one side) he got me some new shoes they are my favorite and he has literally picked out all my tennis shoes for the last 10 years got me a card and had our son sign it. The year before I just got my shoes and the happy Birthday. Of course we have been together for almost 24 years. Iâve learned it just depends on his mood that year. But I understand getting your feelings hurt especially if he normally does something for your birthday.
I do the same thing for my significant other. Iâm the one who always planned the events and holidays and birthdays. This last Motherâs Day we did nothing. Received nothing but maybe flowers and a card which was great but I always try to go big for the father of my children. Well for Fatherâs Day we did nothing.
Treated it like any other day and he noticed and voiced how sad he was
We didnât do anything so maybe donât go big for his birthday. Clean the house and
Cook dinner for him and then see 
If my husband forgot my birthday, I would forget hisâŠUsually a man treats you the way you let himâŠ
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I feel you i do thatâs exactly how it is in my house i always make sure to do something for my man for his Birthday even if it is small i always make sure to put effort in even just a card an being extra nice all day showing him we care about dad an love him but i donât get anything unless i make a point to make a fuss for bays before hand an i donât like doing that but i have Iâve told him âyou better get me something cause you didnt last yearâ 
sorry not sorry but i got sick an tired of the excuses or him trying to make me feel bad for having my feeling hurt
Mom wants to feel loved too we want to feel appreciated too
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Heâs a narcissist and heâs gaslighting you. Been through this. It only gets worse. Youâre being conditioned to put up with shitty behavior. Please message me If you need someone to talk to. Reading this hit home for me it was the beginning signs now that I look back in hindsight
Know how you feel I be never even got so much as a happy birthday from anyone
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sorry, be grateful for what they did. My daughter & granddaughter came for a visit for my 68th birthday & I didnât get a card from them, but I got to spend time with them. Iâm I upset I didnât get a âcardâ from them? NO, the time was more than enough. It isnât about the card or money spend. It is about the time they are with you!! You will get it someday. The fact that you came home to a clean house is a wonderful thing, Enjoy
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Cooking and cleaning, while appreciative tasks, are every day things. Theyâre not something to do for someone on their birthday, Christmas, or for a âgiftâ. Thatâs ridiculous. Does he want you to mow the lawn and just say thatâs his present? Yikes.
Youâre not asking for a million karat diamond, a trip to the moon, or a yacht. Youâre simply asking for a single birthday card that they could have just grabbed some loose leaf paper and done it up. Something heartfelt and sweet.
Heâs an arse and Iâd let him know it for acting that way. How rude.
My late husband always got me a card and something for Motherâs Day. One year I was surprised when I received nothing. Later in the day I asked why and he said âyou are not my mother.â Fatherâs Day came along and he told me that I could pay for him to play in a golf tournament for his gift. I told him I had to pass because he wasnât my father. The gifts were not the point. The attitude was everything and for me it took away the joy of surprising him with gifts. I felt dishonored. So I get how you feel.
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5 year fiance is the clue!
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First off why did you give him your debit card? Does he not work? Do yall have kids together or are they his and yours? Has he ever given you a bday card or gift? If not then why expect it?
I mean Iâd be happy if my kids and husband cleaned and cooked for me. Itâs my love language; acts of love and words of affirmation. However, I also understand feeling like that wasnât a. birthday present. It is ok to feel that way, it doesnât make you ungrateful. As moms we tend to do these things, cook, clean, take care of everyone and while we want that break and appreciate when we are given it, we also want what others get on their birthdays because we are more than just moms and wives so we want more than just being relieved of that duty for a day. So when a birthday or something comes along and we get what we really expect from everyone everyday it seems a little unsatisfying. We want help everyday not just our birthday, on our birthday we want to be showered with love(or cards 
). I get it. Iâm sorry he invalidated your feelings, but you also have to consider he may feel as though you invalidated his by not accepting his gift. Maybe approach the subject at a later time and tell him exactly what you want for your birthday next year. Good luck!
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By the book or download it but read the five love languages. Your situation that you have wrote about is exactly what this book was written for
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Do the same for his birthday. Maybe a little extra cooking and cleaning will be enough for him too.
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Donât do anything special for his birthday, donât even acknowledge it, and see if he notices then.
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The way you approached it was hurtful. You couldâve simply said âhey love, thank you for what the kids and you did. Next year whatever happens, can you add a birthday card? Iâd like to have them to look back on when the kids are grown.â
Done. He didnât do it on purpose. To him he probably felt he gave you an awesome birthday and you just shattered it by saying you were hurt and then got into an argument about a card.
Some feelings we have to suck up like in this scenario. It probably didnât cross his mind. He had a vision for your birthday and he executed. You basically burst his bubble.
Hope that helps give you another perspective.
He could be feeling guilty⊠and that makes him lash out. Stupid, but true. Try to have a civil conversation with him⊠just the 2 of you. Try to explain gently that itâs YOUR feelings that are hurt, and why.
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Iâm sorry but if you both work then him cleaning up and cooking is part of the household chores. I see why you are hurt because he puts time and energy in outside relationships. This is one day he should have done something for YOU.
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He blew it and he knows it, but he was trying to do well and just failed. He is hurt. If he is any kind of man at all he will apologize. Make sure you accept it in 
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Time to recheck this relationship
Something is phooey
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He old enough to be your daddy anyway.
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Yes my birthday better be a whole thing or Iâll cross my arms and cry- letâs go! and no one is goingto make me feel guilty for expecting my ONE DAY of the year to be special and about me- he failed and you deserve to be able
To Express how that made you feel and be heard-
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But why did you give him your debit card ???
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Really they all showed you how much they love you and care about you. Let it go
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Ditch him. He is the ungrateful one
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Nah tell him to keep that same energy with every one else too no mam. I understand his view but if heâs going all out for other people he could have gotten you a card⊠also making you feel guilty for voicing how you feel isnât right.
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The first year of marriage my husband never even mentioned my birthday (we had dated for 5 years and I always planned parties on his birthday). Yes, I was hurt but I did not say one word. His birthday was 2 months later - so I did nothing. Not even wishing him a happy birthday. We never discussed this but he never forgot my birthday again
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He did an everyday task and wants to get praised for it as if its a gift
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So next bday he has or holiday. Clean the house+cook and tell him to be grateful,it is a gift. Get your debit card back as well.
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Some ppl are just not sentimental and some men are just lazy assholes.
Only you know what youâve got lol.
So id say communication! Let him know what you want and need and if he doesnt get it right next time then you knowâŠ
Kick him out, he must be a free loading BUM if you gave him ur debit card and you got nothing
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cooking and cleaning up was your gift? seriously? you can do better.
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Ew this guy is in his 40s and acting like a guy in his 20s: selfish and self centered do yourself a favor and do t marry this man childđ€ą
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I donât know why so many of you women get so upset that your boyfriends or husbands donât ever get you a present. Iâve literally never gotten a birthday present or a Christmas present ever. Itâs just a present. Iâd rather have his attention & love then a present.
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The issue seems to not be about your birthday slights, but more about household participation, if someone is out spreading good karma helping other people thats wonderful, but if theyâre doing it at the sacrifice of theyâre own family unit thats not so wonderful,
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Thatâs gaslighting. Seems like he expects way more from you. Not ok.
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I feel like thereâs more to the story. Maybe help with cooking and cleaning is something you complain about so he figured you would love it being done? I dont know but I think the fact that you didnât get a card, shouldnât be such a big deal.
Read The 5 Love Languages! Not that I can tell a lot from just this post since I donât actually know you, but it seems like you might have felt more love if he had gotten you a thoughtful gift while he thought doing an act of service (cleaning the house) would make you feel loved. It sounds to me that you guys just might not know each otherâs love languages and it might help you guys figured out what makes each other feel loved. Trust me, my husband and I just went through something similar where he would buy me gifts, but really what makes me feel loved is spending quality time together. Sometimes we try to show love in ways that make us feel loved assuming our significant other feels the same.
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Cooking and cleaning are daily chores. Itâs nothing special that he did it. Im the same I love getting cards for that reason
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You have different love languages. Counseling could help a lot here but the two of you learning your love languages on your own would be incredibly helpful to.
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Well I would just cook and clean for his birthday. And drop at a hat to leave to go be with my friends. But, then this would just be toxic. So then we would be better off going out separate ways.
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I have been with my husband for almost 15 yrs and he is just now starting to understand. Itâs not about money spent itâs about the thought of someone doing something âspecialâ for us. I think he goes out of his way now because our daughter is 14 now and she donât play that. Lmao she is not ok with mom spoiling everyone and not even getting a card, even if it is a home made one.
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This! Iâm the same. Cards go along way, theyâre sentimental. Hold value, you can look at them in the long run. Hope everything is ok between you n your partner. Just wanted to let you know youâre not alone in the way you feel about receiving a card on a birthday or any sort of occasion
Men and women sometimes have different ways of showing love. Sometimes you have to let them know what you expect. Just a communication problemâŠhe loves you.
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I would have gotten my feelings hurt too! If this is how all your birthdays are⊠Maybe next time give the kids some paper and crayons and have them make you a card. You could even have them help make a cake for you! I would help the kids so you can have a good birthday for yourself! And the kids will love it!
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His birthday just cook do what he did for you.
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Seriously? So they clean and make a meal for your birthday, yet you do it everyday. He should be helping with house and meals everyday and not just for your birthday and think itâs some major gift. Smh
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Wait a couple months & then talk to him about what you like for occasions. Give him a list of possibilities and let him know why itâs important to you.
Ask him to tell you what he would like to have happen on days that are special to him. My ex hated celebrating anything because he was an introvert and hated the attention. I had to tell him it was important to me to have a wrapped Christmas present, even if it was a new toothbrush. He stepped up to the plate and Iâm forever grateful to the people in the stores where he worked and the neighbors for helping him pick out great things.
I always want something different from what I have, but he likes to get more of what he already has. If I have a blue shirt, I want a red shirt, not another blue shirt. OTOH, if he has a yellow, short-sleeved polo shirt, he wants another yellow short-sleeved polo shirt.
Maybe a few marriage counseling sessions would help you clarify things for each other. Sometimes we interpret things through our own filters and it takes a third party to translate for us.
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Also, was it normal cooking and cleaning or was it a special gourmet meal and deep cleaning?
If not everyone in the family is pitching in every day doing their part you need to gently and lovingly change those habits. Sit down as a family and make a list if everything that has to be done in a week or month. Give it a week for people to add things they didnât think of at the time. Pass the list around and everyone initials a chore until theyâre all taken. Depending on how long or detailed your list is, take the last 5-10 chores picked (obviously the ones everyone hates) and rotate them weekly so no one is stuck doing the same one all the time.
Make a physical chart everyone can see and put gold stars or check marks, etc. When the chores are completed. Decide how many stars are required individually and as a family are needed to get a reward. These could be getting to decide a movie, a dinner menu, an edible treat, a foot rub or back massage, a restaurant meal (out or carry out, from McDonalds to something fancy, getting to stay up 1/2 hour later (kids) or go to bed 1/2 hour earlier (adults), maybe just a round of applause! Donât expect perfection, but if someone does all their chores maybe a special recognition or privilege.
Meet weekly to check in on how itâs going and make any tweaks for the first month. After that, meet monthly and change/exchange chores as needed.
Of course everyone should know how to do every chore and have to do each eventually, especially the kids who will have to do most of them on their own when they move out.
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Wait⊠so you only got some normal things that should be happening daily or routinely anyways? So why did he need the debit card? I think Iâd be checking my debit card to see if it was used for anything or someone else, or at all? Sounds like he either forgot and panicked, or he simply didnât care enough to even bother much at all. Either way, I think your feelings are valid, and him blowing up on you is way out of line. No youâre not overreacting. You have a right to your feelings regardless of what he thinks. And at 45, heâs definitely old enough to know and do better, and especially since youâre his fiancĂ©. Clearly this isnât his first relationship, and sounds like part of why his last relationship tanked. If heâs been with you for 5 years, heâs had 5 years to listen to and observe and to consider what types of things you like or truly want or care about. Sounds like you need to have a discussion with him and talk to him about the types of things you like or prefer or whatever to show your love and to feel loved and respect etc etc, and if that doesnât change things and give him a jolt to try to do better next time, then I would probably take a step back and consider if this is the only issue going on in the relationship and if it was worth continuing to be with someone who doesnât seem to make much of an effort or consider or even listen to you.
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Itâs pretty awful that youâre expected to be âgratefulâ for the chores that were done and dinner cooked-for your special day. Sounds like any other day to me. Happy Birthday to you. I hope things get better.
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Firstly happy belated birthday!
Look, I am getting so fed up with these men thinking that doing the dishes or cutting up some vegetables is helping! This is daily chores to contributing when having a roof over your heads.
Secondly, you are not over reacting and you have every right to be upset with him. He needs to be role modeling how to make things special for the person he loves and itâs also respectful.
Thirdly you had been at work all day to come home to the same old shit different day routine what a cop out.
Seriously get very firm with this this bloke and tell him straight, if he doesnât start stepping up his game, you walk.
Do not settle for anything less than you deserve and you will be if he continues with this disrespectful behaviour.
The fact you had to explain why you were upset is also ridiculous. Pfft.
You are so young! Go and be free from the chains of men and raise your children how you want too.
Make sure to tell him not to speak to you like that again.
The More you put up with now will only get worse after you are married.
Stay strong
How about you ONLY cook for him on his birthday and continue to just cook for the kids.
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Once you figure out what the real issue is you will know how to address it. You need to ask your self if the problem is the lack of effort towards you or everything he does for others.
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Tell him straight up that you want a card! Be sure you do it a week or so ahead and keep reminding him that itâs what youâd like and how important it would be to you. (: Some guys donât think about getting cards and what not. Lol.
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As a parent you do everything for everyone daily in your householdâŠ.your entitled to 2 days a year to get spoiltâŠbirthday, Motherâs DayâŠhe should be setting the example to the children to spoil you on these days so they grow to treat women the sameâŠhe needs to treat you how heâd expect to get treated
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Sounds like you pick out what you want for your bday and ask him for his debit card to pay for it. Or the kids get special bdays but not your fiancé. He should be showing the kids how to treat someone special when you love them.
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Expectation management. Men are not mind readers and you need to voice what you want and what you expect. Most men do not make choices based off their emotions and will use more logic based reasoning to make a decision; so for your birthday, he didnât want you to feel like you had to cook or clean so he was removing that from your plate so you were able to relax a little more. If you want a card, all you have to do is tell him. âI would like you to give me cards from the little ones so that I have something to save and look back over the yearsâ simple and to the point and all should be good. Work on your communication with one another.
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Heâs older then you so heâs not going to think the same as you. Donât expect, if your going to marry this person you shouldnât have to expect a birthday card the person will naturally remember and get you something. NEVER give your card out to anyone, sorry but the way you have described him he sounds like someone who would go and spend your money.
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I have been with my bf 2 yearsâŠspoil him every birthday and Christmas and valentines dayâŠhe got me one thing out first valentines togetherâŠchocolate and a card. Iâve learned thereâs alot o people who donât think like you do so you either except it and keep being your amazing self or legit eat you apart
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No one ever does anything for my birthday. Youâre pretty lucky they cleaned. some men donât think about that stuff. Just tell him next year to get you a card. Tell him.
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So your birthday present was him and the kids contributing to the house they live in? Thatâs not a gift.
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Dump him he will never get it
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Iâm sorry but you shouldnât have to ask for a birthday card! Wait for his birthday and do the same exact thing. I wouldnât even bother with cooking or cleaning the house. If heâs doing that now nothing will ever change. Good luck and happy belated birthday, mama!!!
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Talk about being entitled much!?đ€Š WHO CARES⊠Itâs litterly consumerism at itâs finest expecting gifts for every damn occasion
Get over yourself
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Run girl and donât look back!!
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You received the only gift I ever asked for from my children and dadâŠa clean house I did not have to clean. Be grateful for the clean house. If you want something specific for a birthday then ask for it. Most guys need explicit gift ideas to get it right.
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Five year finance? Time to move along!
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Perspective is 100% of what & how your feeling. Birthdays ARE just another day. Your making a mountain out of a mole hill.
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Dump him, a 5 year fiance, time to move on!!!
It really is sad to see some of the mindsets of people on here saying just be grateful. Grateful that she has someone who wonât listen to her love language ? Grateful for them doing tasks that are everyday expectations? We are no longer living in a world where itâs acceptable to just settle for shit. Not for our jobs not for people who do not deserve us. He is your partner ! He should want to do something special for you that you would like and this is a prime example of showing your kids how they can show love in different ways. Hell they couldâve done a handwritten card and Iâm sure that would have been better than nothing. He isnât going to change. This was my EX husband to a tee. He did NOT care to listen to what I want/need/ DESERVE out of a partnership so I found someone who now respects me enough as a human to listen to my wants and needs and love languages. So if he doesnât want to change thats fine but you deserve better ! Donât settle ! Also Iâm sorry you feel like that itâs a really shitty feeling but you do deserve those little things and someone who is willing to listen. 
I donât know. Coming home to a clean house would be pretty fucking special to me.
Engaged 5 years, called you ungrategul and considers cleaning the house a gift. Girl. Leave, love yourself without measure, grieve, and eventually, youll move on. Love and light 
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She also said she has been with her fiancee for 5 years not that theyâve been engaged for 5 years.
I have been so busy raising my kids half the time my birthday doesnât get acknowledged. I think you should be grateful for what him and the kids did and leave it at that.
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Girl your allowed ro have feelings regardless what anyone tells you. If it hurt your feelings and he donât seem to care and be rude and telling you your ungrateful well hun you should probably leave him. Sounds like he is self fish, especially when you said you guys werenât tight on money. Sounds like he was just to lazy to go out and pick you a card. I wouldnât listen to anyone telling you itâs you. I donât think itâs wrong to expect a birthday card from your fiance. My opinion hun, shine bright!
First thing, your feelings are valid. You are allowed to feel disappointment. You are allowed to feel upset.
Second, my issue lies within his response. There is no good reason why he couldnât calmly listen to you, validate your feelings, and communicate that he understood your wants/needs for the future.
Also, do not listen to those on here telling you to, âjust be grateful for a clean houseâ. That is his house as well and just as much of his responsibility.
You do not need to settle.
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Cleaning the house and cooking dinner should be a shared responsibility daily, from everyone who lives in the house, so no that is not a gift, at all. You arenât asking too much by wanting a handmade card, or even a signed card from the kids!
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Everyone saying to leave him over this . I get that youâre upset but leaving him over this would be a little extreme.
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This seems like a miscommunication and a lesson to be learned in âlove languageâ, he thought not having to do the house work was important to you but from your perspective it was actually a card that carried more weight.
I wouldnât leave a relationship over a misunderstanding about a birthday card although I might be concerned about the temper . . . thatâs more of a red flag than anything else.
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Letâs think about this,5 yrs in this relationship,you would think that the guy would want to make her bâday special,since he loves her,he seems as if,it was no big deal,didnât try to do something special for her,that would be upsetting,and just because he put a ring on her finger,that doesnât mean life has to be âho hummâ and sheâs noticing the change
People have different ways of showing love and appreciation ( Love Languages). My husband is the same way. He shows his love by cooking meals for me, cleaning the house sometimes or making me random cups of coffee. Weâve never made a big deal about birthdays, maybe a nice dinner out. Your fiance is probably the same way. Communication is key. Next time you WANT a card, flowers etc, tell him ahead of time. After 24 years of marriage, Iâve learned they really canât read our minds. Doesnât make them bad partners
I would be upset too! Especially if you have cards there! It would have literally taken 5 seconds of his day to get a card and say âhey kids sign this for momâ done⊠something so small means a lot when youâre the mom and the one making everyone elseâs bdays special!!! And cleaning the house so you donât have to on your birthday isnât a gift or even a gesture! It should be done to help out not as a gift
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Thereâs so many birthdays 
Tomorrows my birthday go get a khole gift card your always so generous