Am I really disrespectful or am I being controlled?

Thanks ahead of time for taking the time to read my long post. I’m not sure if my relationship is toxic, if he’s toxic and controlling, or if I’m the toxic one.

So it feels like I’m always in the wrong and he’s always mad at me for something I do. It feels like every single thing I do is wrong. And when I say “I didn’t see an issue with it” his response is that it’s called respect and that I don’t respect him.

Yes, I’ve had 2 failed marriages. So it very well could be me that’s the problem. And I am very stubborn and I do have the mindset “I do what I want when I want”… and to be clear, that doesn’t mean literally anything but I just feel like I should be able to wear what I want, go to the store when I want, etc.

Here’s some examples: i mentioned needing new leggings so I could wear them to work. He said I wasn’t allowed to wear leggings to work because he knows how guys think and factories are where people always hook up. When I told him I would not be told what I could or couldn’t wear and we argued about it for days, he gave in and said I could wear what I want. But I still haven’t because I’m nervous it’ll cause an argument.

Or I hopped on a video game with my ex and our daughter… and that was a huge issue. I’m not allowed to do that anymore. I also go out to my exes car when he drops them off whenever he has to talk to me about something like a kids doctor appointment. That was an issue and my SO said it should’ve just been a phone call and the fact that I had to go out to his car is sneaky.

These are just the most recent things this week. Except the leggings thing was weeks ago.

Whenever I tell him I feel like he’s trying to control me, he always says it’s just respect and it’s what happens in a normal relationship. He says he’s not controlling me, he’s trying to make me a better person because I haven’t learned how to actually be in a relationship. Which is why I have 2 failed marriages.

We break up all the time and then “talk it out calmly” and then end up back together before the day is over… because we end up seeing each other’s point of view. If I say “I feel like you’re trying to control me” he always says “I can see how it would come off that way but that’s not what I’m trying to do, I’m just trying to help you have boundaries”.

Every time he got mad at me, he’d go off and call me all kinds of names (whore, slut, etc) but I told him I was done and would not put up with that, he knew I meant it because I didn’t forgive him and get back together within hours like normal. I held my ground. And he hasn’t called me any names since then. He swore up and down it wouldn’t happen again and that he saw the issue. So I forgave him and took him back. And yeah, it hasn’t been an issue since. But everything else continues.

Am I crazy? Am I really being disrespectful or is he controlling? Like, I can see how I might be the one messing up. All the things he’s said is disrespectful, like going out to my exes car, I can see that. Yes it could be a phone call. I get it. But I wasn’t being sneaky. He texted me and asked that I come outside so he could talk to me… so I did. And my boyfriend said “you jumped when he said jump and he’s still in control of you”…

I just don’t know if I’m really disrespectful or if he’s controlling and I feel like I’m going crazy.

He sounds toxic to me and you deserve better. You are not in the wrong here.