Am I wrong for not wanting to “be a part” of their family now?

My sons dad and I were together for two years. When he was sober, he was the best boyfriend & dad ever. But when he wasn’t, I suffered through domestic violence and a lot of problems with him. One day, he got a new job and started bad habits up with new coworkers. They would text me and harass me daily & nightly, calling me names & mocking the fact that I was always at home with the baby while they were out drinking. They were teenage losers. I gave him an ultimatum - the baby & me, or his addictions. That day, he came home from work with his new coworkers and packed all his stuff and left me with all the bills and to fend for myself, after basically making me be a stay at home mom. His coworker threw a box of diapers at me and said some really bad choice words to me while I was holding our son. Our baby was about 8 months old then. When we broke up, his family ignored me, they’d barely come see the baby and his dad would flake on visits. His family would text rude things to me eventually, blaming me for all of his problems and addictions, and bail on seeing the baby for months.

Fast forward to now- my sons dad passed away in may due to his addictions. Now his family wants to invite me over for holidays and it just doesn’t feel right. I sent my son over there today to have Christmas with them and they seem very offended I didn’t show up. His dad was (to me) the absolute love of my life. I don’t want to go over there after how they treated me and they also have his pictures and ashes set up which is really hard for me to look at considering I asked for some ashes to have in a necklace for myself and a bracelet for my son and they said no. Am I wrong for not wanting to “be apart” of their family now? The best I can do is get my son ready and let him go over there, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Any advice on how to handle this situation given the information?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I wrong for not wanting to “be a part” of their family now?

You’re going above and beyond by letting your son go over there. After the disrespect, I sure as hell wouldn’t let them near my child if given the choice. They sound toxic

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You have every right to put up your boundaries. They weren’t there for you when their son left you or their grandson, now their son passes away and they want involved in their grandsons life? It’s extremely kind of you to even allow them near him after they neglected him for so long. But, you keep your distance and protect yourself. Much love to you.

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No you’re not wrong. You can’t change your feelings about how they treated while he was alive and you don’t have to visit with them if you don’t want to do do. You’re not keeping his son from them so no problem

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I think the best thing in this situation would be to sit down in a neutral setting, and be open and honest with them about everything. We’re parents… It’s natural instinct to protect our own. Not saying it’s always right. & Ask them to listen to understand, not listen to respond.

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If it isn’t okay for you why is it okay for your son. My advice would be, be careful with your son. There is a reason their son turned out the way he did. I’m not in your position so I can’t tell you what to do but sometimes it’s better to raise your son and let them form those relationships as an adult.

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This is very hard. Everyone is grieving and there are always 3 sides to every story. His, hers and then the truth. No one is perfect we all come with flaws. This decision is a very serious one. Have they apologized for their previous behavior? Your son’s dad is gone. He will need new memories to hold on to. If y’all can be cordial I say do it for your boy. He is the only one that matters at this point.

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I think you are handling it right. They are your son’s family not yours. It’s tough but you are handling it very maturely

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You was treated poorly and they was just as abusive as thier son was they lucky u let the kid go to there I wouldn’t not after they abandoned him all cos the dad ruined he’s own life and yours do t give in to them they wasn’t there for u when u needed them why should u forgive just cos the son died it’s selfish of them and heartless

You don’t have to explain your reasons or emotions to anybody. You do what you feel is best for you and for your son. You have been more than accommodating by allowing him to spend Christmas over there.

You do not owe this family anything, especially when it sounds like they have not apologize to you.

Do not disturb your peace for people who could have cared less about you when you needed them to the most.

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Way to toxic - your handling it great

You do not have to be involved and I understand your reasons and feelings for not wanting to. Mayne one you will want to become more involved after time. Right now it’s just awesome that your allowing them to now start a relationship with their grandbaby. Mayne one day you can talk to his parents and express your feelings regarding the whole past situation , they may understand and they may not. At the end of the talk just let them know this is how it all effected me, and where I’m at, but I would still love for you to be a part of my child life.
Best of luck to you

I don’t know why you sent your son at all tbh

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You do you. What ever is more comfortable to you.

I wouldn’t even send my son. :woman_shrugging:

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Don’t ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable!! Us moms have to do what’s best for us & not the ones around us cause we’re the ones doing the raising & paying bills not them & by the sounds of it they are only coming back now cause they lost their son & their gandchild is all they have which I mean I wouldn’t even care at that point cause they didnt when the dad was alive… Why start caring now all of a sudden…

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You’re doing great!!! They’re your son’s family not yours, be sure to set up rules and boundaries when it comes to them visiting your son. But you’re doing great, you’ve got this

You letting you’re son go over is enough they think what they’re doing by inviting you is fine but it sounds like a trigger move I’d just do you but let your son know them.

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You’re NOT wrong to feel that way. You haven’t moved on yet. Take your time…

Nope you’re not wrong at all. But you don’t have to send your son over there if you don’t want to and there’s nothing they can do about it.

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Losing a loved one changes you forever. Maybe his family realized how short & precious life is & want to be a part of your son’s. It’s up to you when you’re ready.

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Don’t send that child there by himself, when he was alive they didn’t care now he’s dead they shouldn’t bother. He’s the closest thing to him yes but they can go fawk themselves.if they’re vex, it a them problem not yours. Keep your baby away very soon they’re going to “try” poison him against you.
Edit : don’t come under my comment to explain shite to me okay, if I say move then move along!!!

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Allowing them visits without you now can set them up perfectly for grandparent rights. I would switch things up to visits in a public location with you present!!

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No you are not wrong at all there son died due to his addiction, but when he was alive they treated you Wrong they can’t expect you to just come around and forgive, an you should definitely let them know.

Nope stick to your guns your health safety mental health goes hand in hand with your child wellbeing. Too much water under the bridge. Why should yoh bend to there will make them feel better nope 🙅🏻

Nope not at all he was an abuser in life you have every right to live you life. His family made the choice to treat you poorly I wouldn’t allow my son around them either if your son wasn’t good enough when he was alive death shouldn’t change things now

sounds like they only waant to know your son now that your sons dad isnt here anymore, i dont blame u for not wanting anything to do with them x

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No. You aren’t wrong. You are doing a kindness letting the see your son as it is

Your son is the only part of their son they got left I say they are trying see how it goes

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You can’t help how you feel. There is still alot of hurt there. Things will get better. It just takes time. In the meantime, give yourself some grace and space from them. He made his choice, and it still hurts, but now that he’s gone, choose to dwell on the good, not the bad. I’m assuming his death was a real eye opener for his family. There’s nothing like grief and death to teach you 1) that life is too short, and 2) what they’re missing out on is their grandson’s life. He is now all they have left. Maybe they didn’t see the issues as you saw them. Maybe they did and didn’t WANT to. You were the easy scapegoat. Regardless, he’s gone. That’s the reason behind the sudden change in heart and the new invitations to be a part of their family events. But you’re still hurting from the past and the way they treated you before. That’s ok. That’s a huuuuge switch to just flip and alot of hurt to swallow, especially on your end. But you should at least, have the conversation and explain how you feel. If for no other reason but for you to be able to allow yourself move forward; in whatever way that looks like for you. It’s important to be honest and communicate your feelings, especially in times of grief and loss. You’re all hurting, here. Remember that.

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Stay away from them and keep your son away . Change your phone number .

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They didn’t treat you like family when you were being abused. You do you ! If your son wants to be around them it’s his decision . If they treat your son well that’s great but for you , beware !

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No you don’t feel bad at all girl they treated you like shit when he was alive so you have every right to not want anything to do with them period. Stay strong and go on with your life it’s there loss not yours. Merry late Christmas :christmas_tree: to you and you and your baby

They didn’t care about a grand child and now it’s to replace their son they lost … be very careful

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You aren’t wrong for feeling this way!
But……. Let’s look at it from a different perspective, you can meet with them without baby and let them know how you feel and see what happens. When your comfortable (if that ever happens) then you all meet up with baby. Their son is gone and they are grieving as well. Unfortunately he made bad choices and in the end EVERYONE is grieving. So don’t live in the past, life is to short.

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I wouldn’t let them have access to my son either.

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Your peace is important and you and your son deserve love and support :heart: so what you think is best for you and your son follow your gut.

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His family will never be your family. Don’t send your son over there. They may mistreat him just because they don’t like you

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No. You’re reaction is completely understandable and to be expected. They’re missing their son, so now want access to their grandchild to assuage their grief. And whilst their situation is incredibly sad, it’s no longer your problem. They made sure of that when they turned on you. You don’t need to let those toxic people back into your life just because they’ve supposedly done a 180. Although, if you are allowing them to see your child you should consider supervised visits only. Their behavior is a tad suspicious, so you shouldn’t trust them. You need to protect yourself and your son.

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I would give them a chance with lots of boundaries set up they may be sorry and full of regret and are attempting to make amends best of luck I do think your feelings are valid it has to be hard

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This family abandoned you and you son when you needed them the most they need to ask you for forgiveness if not you have 0 obligation to share your son with them

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If they treated you like that, and still are not accepting or treating you like a family member I would never leave my child alone with people like that. His family will just be putting all of their bad values and views on your child, and probably talking trash about Mommy too

Blow them off you are not wrong

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Your better than me cuz I wouldn’t have sent me child over there and definitely wouldn’t have went myself. I would’ve cut them off and told them they could see their grandson when he got 18 since they treated you so terribly before. They don’t care bout you or your son. They just want to have something to do with your son cuz their son died

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This family will never change. I would not want my child anywhere around them. Trust is earned not just asked for. Maybe when your child is alot older and more mature. Not at an impressureable age.

Yeah it’s a big NO from me. I wouldn’t let them near my son or myself. You’ve been test extremely poorly by his family, now he’s passed they want to make amends? Screw them.

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I wouldn’t trust anyone who mistreated me with my child. Unless I had absolutely no choice (ie court order), I wouldn’t send him.

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Wow just wow you best watch listening to some of these people here your sons father is deceased and in a lot of states that does give the grandparents some rights to monthly visits and such and why sweetie would you want to keep your son from his other family like you me or any other mom and dad out there we are going to take up for our child right or wrong we are going to listen to them and probably believe their side of the story before they will the other parties so now that their son is gone they do not have to feel like they picked sides anymore how do we know that the father of your son didn’t make them sray away maybe he threatened them with self harm or if they did he would never see them again we just don’t know their reasoning for their actions you need to be the bigger person and try to talk to them tell them the way things ended with their son isn’t at all what you wanted tell them how much you loved him and only wanted him sober and tell them how much their actions hurt you and that the trust isn’t their right now but if they are willing then you are willing to make amends and be there for your son because sweetie it takes a whole dang village girl and it sounds to me like he told them things that may not have been true so like I said communicate with them ask them out to a lunch date or a park date and talk and see if you all can come to a decision that your all comfortable with I hope you the best but from a kids view who never got to meet or know their fathers parents my grandparents or my father as he died in a car wreck 3 months before I was born and my mom wasn’t the best mom and they denied me at first and then when I was born they knew I was their granddaughter and my mom took off with me and never spoke of them when I would ask I got nothing about my dad them nothing when I hot old enough to start looking I did but guess what it was to late they had both passed away and he was an only child so see I missed out on a whole family that could of made my life so much better so hunny think about your son right now and you are still grieving the loss of the relationship and the loss of knowing it can never be again because he is now forever gone so take some time for you to grieve and them as well this is such a sad situation all around but their has to be some compassion shown on both sides and a whole lot of forgiveness on your side

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Move on and forget them and the past.

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They didn’t care then… why should you care now?

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Be there for your son. He just lost his dad.

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Personally I wouldn’t even allow my son to be apart of their lives. They didn’t want him until he was all that was left. No ma’am, my child isn’t a last option. I’d protect my baby and keep him away from their toxic ways.

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You do you and don’t worry about what they think and keep a close eye on your son

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Absolutely not. I would never go overet alone let my child be part of that hot mess family.

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You don’t have to visit at all, I imagine they’re simply trying to right the wrong of the past and include you but you never have to accept that invitation :heart:

No. They failed as parenting son. Don’t give them grandson who they ignored before

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It’s a no from me. Better things coming your way :clap:t2:

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They wouldn’t be seeing the baby either.

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Personally I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t let my son go

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That’s a no for me. They are grown ass people that chose to turn their back on you and their grandchild when you needed them. No matter what your ex threatened them with, they should have reached out to you. They chose him and his addiction over your son. Teach your son the good about his dad and how much he loved him, but also let him know about his illness and when your son gets older and wants a relationship with them, then slowly let them into his life. God bless you both!

I wouldn’t even send my son so that’s wonderful of you. Sounds like you’re not ready, and maybe one day you will be or you may not. If they treated me bad and didn’t care about us before, I probably wouldn’t go.

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If the son wasn’t dead they would still be acting like your son didn’t exist. You don’t get to use my son to smooth over your grief. Sorry :woman_shrugging:t5: they couldn’t come within 500 feet of mine

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I essentially had this same issue. Though they never seen my daughter after her dad passed. She is 22 now, but about 5 years ago they started calling and wanting us to join in. I told her when she was 18 she could decide but not until then.

I’d never even send my son over there… they don’t get to ditch him before… hurl insults n then act line everything os ok.
They’d have never seen my child… I wouldn’t want no ashes to give to no son that he up n left at 8 months… nope nope… I doh wanna be part of toxicity… keel ur son away from them n urself as well…

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I wouldnt go over there and i definitely wouldnt send my son over there…where were they when you and you son needed them when their son abandoned you…f**k them people.

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Forgiving is one thing, but it doesn’t mean you have to be a part of what/who hurt you. This is a very personal choice that you have to make for yourself :heart:

And i would just flat out tell them what you just told us as to why you don’t want to be a part of them

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You made the right call. You have to do what’s best for you!

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You should probably tell them what happened to you, and why you don’t want to go over there with your son. They can see him, take care of him when he’s there, but you don’t owe them jack shit.

You owe those people nothing! They are lucky they get to see the baby and would do good to remember that.

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Don’t let your son go over there by himself! They don’t have any rights to your son, its a privilege and they weren’t there when you needed them.

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Don’t go. There is no reason you have to. Send your son.

Without reading all previous comments:

Death can change people, it makes them realize what is important. While that does not excuse how they treated you in the past, it might of opened their eyes. With that being said, your feelings are still your own. Your working with muddy waters. I believe you know what is best for your child. If they want to see your son, I’d make it on your terms. If they are willing to try to be in his life then let them, but set the stage. Make rules and times for them. Meet at parks if that’s more comfortable. My favorite advice my dad always gave me is: If someone wants to do something they will, if they don’t they won’t or they make excuses….

And no your not wrong for feeling the way you do.

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I wouldn’t even send my son. Who knows what terrible things they may continue to say without you around.

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You and your son should just leave them be. They don’t deserve to be apart of y’all’s life. I would imagine if they spoke that way to you in front of your son they will speak that way of other people in front of him too. My MIL would bad mouth myself and my husband in front of my daughter and we stopped letting her go around her. Now that my daughter is old enough to understand that’s wrong to do she no longer wants anything to do with the MIL. I made the choice for mine until she was old enough to understand and make her own decisions. Protect that baby with everything in you!

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Personally, I would be there when they spend time with my son, on my terms. I could choose to stay away from their home if it makes me uncomfortable. My fear would be that my kid would feel pulled into the family for a moment, and then abandoned again on their whim. Also, I wouldn’t want them talking poorly of me (for not being there) in front of my kid.

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I would cut all ties with them including not sending my son

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I think if you look at it from your son’s perspective you could find value in going there yourself. But at the end of the day you have to do what is right for you.

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As I sit here reading all of these comments I reflect on my daughter’s experience. My grandson had a dead beat dad. Was abusive to my daughter. She left him and he barely had time for his son grandma didn’t either. When my grandson got a little older he started looking up his dad and seen his arrest record but still wondered about him. One day dad died from his addictions also mom took son to the funeral seen grandma and sister. That is the last time any of his dads family has had any contact with him. He has asked questions as to why but we don’t have any answers to give him. At least the grandparents are wanting to now see their grandson for his ease of mind later down the road I would let them see him

Please don’t associate yourself with them at all, not even your child/ children. Close that door period.

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You don’t owe that family nothing. Screw them. Who cares about them now. Just live anyway you want. Do what makes YOU happy. Kids don’t need rich moms, they need happy moms.

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Kids are never an option. If a family member decides to make them an option, they must suffer the consequences of their decisions.

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Your feelings are valid. Maybe in time you will go too, but it seems as though it’s too emotional right now. Do what you need to do to keep yourself happy for your child.

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Why send son? They are not your family and never treated either of you like family addictions are cruel to everyone involved. I’m sorry move in with your life

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Hell no you are not wrong. Why be a hypocrite like them good job

I can relate my ex husband’s family never called or asked to see their grandson. Ever. But that’s his family not the warmest people I have met. Too bad they missed alot.

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If you are comfortable letting your son go that’s up to you. On the other hand if you don’t want to go I don’t blame you at all, don’t go not after how they treated you…

No you aren’t wrong, you don’t need to go there at all.

You are not wrong. You do what you feel is right

I went thru something similar except he’s not dead he’s just far gone in addiction. I let his parents take our son even tho they were calling me names & taught him to call me a b. My final straw was when they said I was using them for a free babysitter! :scream: That’s the day I ended the toxicity of them in my life & I never called them to ask if they wanted their grandson again! He was 4, they knew my phone #, knew my address, it was the same until he was 10. But when he was 7 they sent a letter to the friend of the court full of lies, I was advised it was my decision as to how to handle the letter. I completely ignored it & went on with my life. I won’t try to right fight with a liar! He turned 18 and I left every decision up to him after that. Today he’s 28 his dad & dad’s family are still strangers.

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You owe them nothing

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Don’t take him. Simple. You don’t owe those people anything. They are mean people , you don’t need your young son around that. He can pick up on your vibes

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I wouldn’t go anywhere near them and they would never see my child

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I wouldn’t go near them wats so ever. But if they want to be a part of ur child Life let them.

F*ck them all.

Disrespectfully. They’d be watching my son grow up through Facebook. That’s all I got.

I was you, with 2 children, 25 years ago. EXACT same situation.

Continue to foster a relationship with your son & his father’s family. It will greatly benefit your child, I promise.

I sent my kids to their grandparents nearly every Christmas break for a week & a half, if they wanted to go.
Yes it broke my heart, but as adults now, my children have wonderful bonds with their father’s side of the family & I am so thankful for that.

I removed myself early on, & moved on with my life, & eventually remarried. I hold no ill feelings towards them, but had to do what was best for myself as well as my children.

My girls graduated high school, college & have kids of their own. We used their dads life as a teaching experience that helped keep my kids off alcohol and drugs. & They have peace “knowing” their father from his family.

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I would cut them all off completely.

I would go to know what they are telling my child at least. No need to be their best friend but then u can monitor what they say about you to your child bc they will most likely spin it to make themselves look like saints and everything all ur fault if you aren’t anywhere around to shit it down.

I agree with the how you are doing it you at least let your son go a necklace…please.