Looking for some advice/opinions. My 7 year old is autistic and is very upset at his uncle and future aunt to the point where he won’t talk to them because they are not including him in there wedding like he hoped for and like we were led on to believe. I’m kind of upset for him and don’t really know what to tell him. He is extremely close to his uncle (my brother in law) and his future aunt, so we’re all kind of shocked. Even my mother in law is disappointed. My son is their first nephew. They are getting married next year, my brother in law was in our wedding and was my husbands best man a few years ago. If they had kids we would have had them in our wedding in a heartbeat but they don’t have kids. We don’t think my brother in law is even going to ask my husband at this point to be his best man because it seems to only be her family getting asked to participate in the wedding. They just asked her niece and nephew to be the flower girl and ring bearer. My son found out and he is very upset. I’m not sure how to approach this, I get that it is there wedding and there day but we are very dumbfounded because we were led on by them to believe that our son would be included as well, and that they were figuring out a way to ask him. Am I wrong in asking them to explain to their nephew (my son) why he isn’t included? Because I don’t know that answer myself. We have never ever had problems with them, we are all very close. They just kinda dropped a bomb on us and it upset my mother in law as well.
Their wedding, their choice who is in it or not in it. Period.
To preserve the relationship, better ask them so things get clear. 
I mean it’s their wedding! But I could see ans understand your son’s frustration. Maybe reach our to your BIL. And just say hey let me know if you need or want (insert sons name here) to do anything for the wedding.
Unfortunately, no one is as pure in action as they are in words. They should not have set expectations and it’s definitely hurtful, but you can’t control how other people act. You can ask them what happened when your son is not around. How they answer will tell you what you want to know.
An opportunity here would be to help your son find another way to celebrate their union like letting him be personally involved in the gift or by making his own. Maybe he has a poem he can write for their day that you can frame as a gift.
It’s their wedding and day. They don’t have to include your son. It’s an important lesson for your son about disappointment and expectations. I have a special need’s son and that’s part of life sometimes.
IMO -
It’s their wedding. It’s their day. Although they may have seem to have wanted him it, people are allowed to change their minds. Don’t dwell to much on it. Address it, but don’t make it into an argument. You should definitely ask what happened that made them changed their mind, but if your son is upset to where he doesn’t want to speak to them at the moment, don’t try to make them explain to him what happened. Let him talk to them when he’s ready
I don’t understand why everyone is stuck on the fact that people aren’t obligated to include somebody…that obviously isn’t the issue here; the issue is that they lead him to believe he would be included and that has obviously hurt his feelings. They may not owe it to anyone to include them, but they do owe him an apology and explanation, given that they created those expectations of their own accord, and this is a young child who doesn’t understand.
These are always hard situations for all involved. If I was in your shoes, I would just talk to them about how your son is feeling about not being included in the wedding and politely request that they talk to him to help him understand. It’s perfectly acceptable for them not to ask him, as hurtful as it may be, but an explanation would hopefully help ease his mind coming from them.
I had my cousins in my wedding because I already had 3 daughters as flower girls and needed a boy for ring bearer and couldn’t leave out his sister
My other Aunty asked why I didn’t have my nieces as flower girls my response was I already have 4!
I’m a firm believer in communication over assumptions.
I don’t believe you’re trying to assert that your son is entitled to being in it, you’re simply looking for an explanation.
I would approach him privately (as in not with your son around) and just say hey, i know this is your big day and it’s really important to you. My son and I were under the impression that he was going to be a part of your special day. I understand things change and that’s okay, but he’s understandably very hurt. Is there a reason you’ve decided not to include him ? Would you mind maybe talking to him and letting him know that it’s nothing he did wrong. I don’t really know what to tell him and rather than assume I wanted to come to you personally.
I will talk to him about how to handle disappointment and I’m in no way trying to tell you what to do in your wedding , but as an important person to him I think clearing the air could go a long way for hurt feelings.
If he reacts poorly or gets defensive that’s on him but hopefully he is willing to give an explanation (even if it’s one that you don’t necessarily like, such as his fiancé wants her family to be involved ) and your job is to accept that and help your son to accept that.
If all you’re looking for is clarity on what changed I hope you get that. But if you’re going to try and guilt trip or make him feel obligated to include your son consider that this might irreparably damage the relationship and considering he is such an important person to your child , I would urge you to consider if losing that relationship over ONE day is worth it.
Best of luck
It is ultimately their wedding and no one has a “right” to be included in any way. If they themselves told your son that he would be included and then changed their minds, they should be the ones to explain to him their decision (since it could be easier on him) however other than that it’s pretty odd that you’re so upset about another person’s event. People stress so much over weddings because of how other people react when they don’t have any right to. My son is also autistic, but he usually understands things when it’s explained to him (I try to stress other people’s feelings who are involved and how he would feel if the roles were reversed, etc) so maybe just sitting him down and explaining it in a way where no one is the villain, this is just how things turned out, could really help him move on from this.
Perfect time to teach him he isn’t entitled to anything in this world, especially not the will of others.
It’s their wedding and they can choose BUT you can also choose not to attend their wedding. They don’t owe anyone n explanation as to why they’re doing things a certain way, the same way you don’t owe one n explanation if you decide not to attend.
You said you just found out that her niece and nephew were flower girl and ring bearer so is it possible you are jumping to conclusions and maybe they just haven’t gotten the chance to ask your son yet? Maybe they want to plan something special for him?
It’s a good time to talk to your son about feeling disappointed and how to manage it. It may be upsetting to you all but it is ultimately their wedding and if your BIL isn’t speaking up for his side of the family, or including his side, there are larger issues there and I would steer clear of the drama. When you get the formal invitation, you can decide if you want to attend or not.
It is their wedding and their day. Nobody is entitled to any position in it, no matter what you feel or believe. You can ask all you want but in the end, you have to respect that it is their wedding.
In my opinion though, there is no reason they couldn’t have included both boys as ring bearer.
IMO 7 is too old to be a ring bearer. Maybe they thought it would be too much excitement for him and just want everyone to enjoy the time.
You can ask if you want but I would think hard how you word it.
Your son is 7 and most weddings are adults only
This is a teachable moment.
Disappointment is part of life.
Maybe they are planning for him to do something else and have yet to ask him.
Either way, you shouldn’t ask them. It’s rude of you to make it about your son.
Teach your child how to deal with this feeling.
It kind of seems like it is only her family in the wedding…
rest assured my friend this won’t be her last one…your son can be in his uncles next one. 
talk to his uncle about it maybe he doesn’t realize what she is doing. Sounds like a selfish…snobby ( ) wanting everything to be perfect…
To be completely honest with you, they don’t “owe” you or your husband or your son anything. Just because it’s family, doesn’t mean they are obligated to have them in their wedding. Now’s a good time to teach your son that the world doesn’t revolve around him. 
Just ask whst happened
.and accept the answer
You said they were trying to figure out a way to ask him. So they never asked him to be in the wedding in the first place.
I would straight up ask… let them also jnow there are hurt feelings of a 7 year old boy… !
Your not wrong in asking why they led everyone on that he would be in wedding and now he’s not.
What led you to believe your son would be in wedding? Did they already speak to him about being in the wedding? If they talked to him about being part of the wedding I would be upset too. If they didn’t say anything and you just assumed that’s on you. When picking my ring bearer I literally chose the nephew that was the same height/age as the flower girl. I understand that you’re up set about your son, but there might be a bigger issue going on if they didn’t ask your husband to be in the wedding. Also, please keep in mind your son will react how you react.
My opinion let them do what they are gonna do, even if they suggested they were going to have him as part of the wedding before . I get he don’t understand and is upset but that comes to show they do have much consideration for his family, also kids shows where their loyalty lies, and if you ask they may have him be part but may be rude to him or hold a grudge towards him.
Just ask them, tell them your son was very excited to be involved in the wedding and would they please include him
Their wedding their say and maybe they are thinking your son will have a meltdown and wreck their wedding
I would wait and see because they may have something planned but aren’t ready to ask or bring up if it gets close to the wedding and they haven’t mentioned anything then you could ask.
I’m getting married this year. It’s their wedding. They can have whoever they want in it.
People change their minds , it’s their day not yours . I know it’s upsetting and would shake the nerves but it is what it is . It’s their choice . Never expect things in life even when people plant seeds on the way . Good luck
.maybe they are looking for an alternative place for him to serve at their wedding? You don’t know. I would wait it out since it’s a year away.
Wedding plans will change multiple times in a year and chances are there may not even be a wedding. They have given themselves ample time to back out. I really wouldn’t concern myself with it at this point.
It could be possible that they haven’t decided how they want him to be a part of wedding. It’s also possible they may not ask him. Good teaching moment for your son to understand you don’t always get what you want
It’s sad. Obviously, her family is going to be all that matters. Wait for holidays. You will be eating outside
I want to know what “lead them to believe” means first.
Talk to your son as early as now, that he doesn’t need to be included everywhere. Just be true to him they did not want him, but you love him so much.Buy him a very NYC outfit show love, appear technically then take him out. You also have a choice of not attending, don’t fear what they’ll say we all have choices.
He will still be a guest at the wedding. If you make a big deal out of this he will feel it is a bigger deal. There were other little relatives they had to consider as well. Maybe he can be given a specific job at the wedding such as ensuring people sign in.
Its their wedding, their choice. Id use this as a teaching moment for your son- life comes with disappointments.
While maybe you were led on to believe he would be apart of it- but that was an assumption- never make assumptions- it never turns out well.
Depending on relationship, I’d reach out to said Uncle.
It doesn’t sound like they didn’t ask him for any particular reason. Doesn’t appear he asked his brother yet either. Not always, but very often the girl runs the show and tells him what he will do! Sounds like it’s her family only. I wouldn’t bother, it isn’t going to change.
Even tho they are not obligated to include him, your baby is owed an apology or explanation. They led him on to include him. You can ask but at the end of the day, it’s their wedding. Let this be a lesson learned for him.
Do you guys complain around him about it? My son is 7 and knows what weddings are. He wouldn’t have a clue he could be part of it.
Curious as to why your son has these expectations in the first place?
People need to realize that not every family member needs a place in the wedding,
Good lesson for your son although hard, it is their wedding day, it’s about them not anyone else. Although for him it’s heart breaking I get it. But this is where you teach him disappointment be a thing
How did they led him believe that he would be in it
Just ask your brother in a polite way, one on one. I understand why your son is upset. Us mommas always hate to see our babies upset. Personally, I included both sides at my wedding. My nephew was older enough to be groomsmen, his nephew young enough to be ring barrier and our daughter ( yes we had kid before marriage) was flower girl. If they never planned on it, they shouldn’t of made him or you that he would be apart of it. Never lead a child on.
Most people do have the woman’s side do flower girl and ring barrier . Big weddings are mostly a brides planning and it’s about her feeling like a princess that day .
That’s a delicate one. Ashame but probably bc his fiancé
Sounds like your brother inlaw is not getting a say in anything and the girlfriend is running the show!
Be straight up and ask why and if it’s a “valid” reason then just leave it 
Everyone is stuck on the fact it’s their wedding. You’re ignoring the fact that they let him believe he’d be included. Autistic or not if you don’t plan to include someone don’t let them believe they will be, especially a child. If your son can wrap around that people sometimes change their minds and others don’t understand why. Validate his emotions that it’s okay to have hurt feelings.
Yes
You’re wrong.
They’re allowed to put whoever they want to in their wedding party.
Disappointment is part of life. The sooner your son learns that, the easier everyone’s life will become.
First off years don’t the road is this really gonna matter. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. It may have upset your son but he will get over it but if you start a problem that will just make matters worse
Did they lead you on or do you not understand “no”?
A wedding is typically planned by the bride. She makes her dreams become a reality.
No one is obligated to pick certain people to be in their wedding. Although yall may have your feelings hurt, this is their day. Please don’t say anything to them. Let them plan their dream wedding. Dress your son in a little tux & take family pictures with the bride & groom. Be supportive of their choices. They honestly owe no one an explanation. This is their day
They’re not obligated to include him but if they had rven hinted he would be let them explain why he’s not. They shouldn’t have a problem with that and your son has to respect not necessarily like their decision
I agree it’s their wedding and they don’t have to have their nephew in it. But how would you feel if your parent is getting married to your step parent and you are the middle child and the only one not included in the wedding. This happened to someone I know. Both step parents kids were in wedding, and your older and younger siblings were jn wedding. Really mskes a child realize how important they are.
It was probably the bride’s wish. Maybe they Can find something else for him to do like man the guest book.
How does a 7 year old kid understand anything about a future wedding. Sounds more like mommy is upset but putting it on the kid. 
Maybe they are still working on it. Maybe they will still ask🤷🏻♀️ I understand your concerns as a mother of a special needs child (my boy is special needs) but remember that they see our actions and he can see and feel that you are upset. Please don’t let your feelings affect others. And don’t talk about it in front of him.
Its not about any of you or your son. They don’t have to include any of you. Its their day and they are paying a lot of money to put things together to make sure it goes well. I don’t know where you feel entitled to include your child in their wedding and get upset about it. Its not even your place first of all. Its already difficult and challenging enough to plan a wedding let alone have entitled family members get upset and push their way in because they don’t have a moment to shine in it. Sit down! Teach your kids that the world doesnt revolve around them instead of making them think they can step in wherever they feel like it. Smh. The bride can do whatever tf she wants. Its her day! Yours is over get over it! Why even cause an issue and start problems? Who do you think you are?
The only way to know the answer to your question is ask them straight out, and explain how hurt your son is
So you tell your son life isn’t fair and move on like everyone else does. He’ll survive. It’s their wedding to do as they please. End of story. Why put a cloud over their day? Don’t be a Karen!
Did they say he isn’t included? Just because he isn’t the ring-bearer doesn’t mean he won’t be included.
Its their wedding day and they can choose whom they like…however if they are that close to the boy and they lead him to believe he was included and he is now rightfully upset, yes its absolutely appropriate and just that they…should have to explain it all to him …in person.
Its not for you to…speculate, excuse, & run interference for them to soothe the boy…when they set up the expectations of a 7 year old and then dumped him.
Its 100% on them to explain why to him, and do their own dirty work.
With your son being autistic maybe the bride feels if something upset him . During the ceremony it would ruin her wedding . Also the bride usually picks who will be in her wedding. Considering her parents pay for it . Have them explain to your son themselves. Apparently he is already having a meltdown over it
It’s a day about them and they can do what they want… but if they actually led him to believe he would be included then yes I would tell them right in front of your son to please explain to him why they changed their mind because it upset him and he had a right to know
They can explain since they led him and all of you to believe he would be included. Their wedding, their choice, but no time with a special needs child for rude manners/behavior.
I wouldn’t mention it, I’d for one, wait a bit before jumping to conclusions anyway. It’s a year away? Give them time, but I would also try to give your son an explanation and maybe not mention it or bring it up again until they do themselves ask or don’t.
The fact that SO many of these comments are completely disregarding the fact that this little boy is SEVEN and AUTISTIC. He will NOT see, experience, or feel things as many of you would or obviously expect him to. There’s so many “it’s a tough lesson, teach him to get over it” comments it breaks my heart. I think he’s fully in his right to have his feelings hurt (again…he’s seven). This is not a kid simply acting entitled for the sake of it or for attention, his feelings are hurt. He feels left out from one of his favorite people’s biggest days of life. If I was his mom I’d be confused and hurt too.
A big addition I noticed: why were HER niece and nephew asked to be involved, but not him??
That sounds like a complete blowoff to me. Especially because they’re “close to him”.
Maybe they are still going to ask him??
It sounds like you want special attention on your son and think he should be catered to. That’s a parenting issue, not a wedding issue.
I’m going to tell you the answer and it’s going to be blunt. I’m pretty sure your son’s nephew (BIL) would’ve had him in his wedding but his future wife is calling all the shots. You literally said it’s all his future wife’s family is participating in the actual wedding stuff not his. I guarantee this is her doing more than likely (majority of men don’t care about the wedding part except saying I do part and stay out of it for some reason) and she doesn’t want your son in it cause he’s autistic. It’s hard to accept but I guarantee that’s why but your BIL is scared to tell you to your face cause he knows you’ll be madder than a hornet (I don’t blame you)
So ask them but brace yourself if it’s not the answer you want to hear. And if he’s not included I probably wouldn’t even go quite honestly
You all are already upset and it you push the question you may not like the answer so just bear that in mind.
Maybe the priest/ clergy said no. I know a couple who where told they could not have a child under a certain age in wedding maybe they think he is too old. Although there is jr. bridesmaids why not jr. groomsman? He needs a explanation anyway
I think half of u missed the point its not about them not actually having him in the wedding it’s the fact they obviously said at one point in time they were gonna have him in it then changed their minds and left the poor boy with no reason and hurt his feelings . So that being said I would just have the bil talk with his nephew and explain why … I don’t get how adults can be so rude and just say they don’t have to have him in it that’s true but if they mentioned it to the nephew and he has autism he is not gonna forget they don’t forget they remember everything my son has autism and he remembers a lot that I would not think a 8 year old would . So as a adult u may think the kids don’t notice or don’t understand but they do and feeling get hurt and yes life isn’t fair but the adult in this situation should have the heart to talk to him and explain why they changed their minds even more so if they led him to believe he would be a big part of their day.
Don’t beat around the bush. Come right out and say it. Guilt him even. Ask why he isn’t included. You lead him to believe he would be and now he’s heartbroken. I want a good explanation as to why.
He is 7. Who is really mad you or him. He’s autistic. He is 7 probably don’t even care. Their wedding not yours
Don’t. Know why you would expect it or pass those feelings to a child. Especially an autistic 
ld who do not like stimulation Their choice, their wedding Enjoy without extra pressures
Stop trying to make their wedding about your son.
Its their wedding, you’re out of order. What does grown fold business have to do with a 7 year old. Its not his parents getting married. Get a life !!
I have a son 10 asd
And id NEVER expect him to be included in anyones wedding bar my own and he would never expect it either ! No matter how close ! On both sides of the family id never feel left out once he was included in mine thqtsballnthqt matters.
It’s a while away. Wait a few months and see if they ask.
Your son isn’t getting married and he’s 7. You need to stop making it a big deal.
Not your wedding, not about u. Stop making it out to be about your son. If they wanted him in the wedding they would have asked. Suck it up n teach your kid u don’t always get what u want and it’s not all about him. U sound no better than the 7yr old special needs kid.
It’s their wedding, so they can decide who to include.
Did they say anything that made you believe they would include him or did you just assume because it’s their nephew?
They also don’t owe anyone an explanation on why someone isn’t included in their wedding 