I have 2 teenage step daughters m. I came into their live when they were 14 and 16. They are now 17 and soon to be 19. I don’t make any decisions regarding rules, etc. I am their mentor. They have a mom and dad. If I have an issue or questions I talk to their dad in private but I never intervene, ever. We have a wonderful relationship, I’m the cool one. I take them shopping, get nails done etc. if they ask me if they can go out or something O just remind them that they would have to ask their dad. Maybe you need to step back and let dad and mom take care of her. She’s to old to try to parent it will only cause resentment. Would have been different if I had raised them from infants and mom wasn’t involved.
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I have absolutely no advice because my step daughter is 6. But keep your head up. I’m currently going through something similar because of how my step daughter treats me. It’s extremely hard to deal with and hard to talk about because you worry someone will think you sound like a terrible person and treat your step child different.
A lot of this sounds like a teenager to me. Calling you a btch, pausing the tracking app, asking 1 parent then going back to the other etc. The sx with multiple partners would bother me. Sounds like she could benefit from therapy & you all could benefit from family therapy. Please stop threatening to send her back to her mom’s. Her mom already threw her away. She’ll just feel unwanted.
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For you to have no stress i reckon stay out of it and tell your partner to stop being a lazy father and he should be telling her off… its weird he tells her to go and ask you this will make her hate you more… It seems like your partner/her father doesnt care about her and pushes shit onto you…
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Shes being a typical teen hang in there shes pitting you to against each other ground her lock her windows put alarms on the doors n for the phone hide thr GPS so she can’t pause it
Your doing the right thing for yourself. Step away from her…
Send her back but tell her if she gets herself together ( spell out the expectations) then she can come back; let her know last chance though because if so same things happen again then there is no coming back again. Dad needs to be on same page with you. Good luck.
Ahhh the teenage years none of us were built for! I just want to ask who quit you when it got hard? My likely unpopular opinion is this as a step you SHOULD NOT be handling anything to deal with yes or no or punishment it has to come from dad. You’re not her mom right? You’re the enemy in her eyes so change the game on her it’s dads kid it’s dad doing the work! Be a support when she needs it but stop trying to parent her. You wouldn’t end a relationship with your own child for this behavior so you don’t view her or love her like you own, regardless of what society says that’s not some fatal flaw in your makeup it’s the situation you’ve landed in. But remove yourself from the villain role and work on a different relationship with her because this one isn’t working as is!
Would you just send her away if it was your biological child? She feels easily disposable by threatening to send her back to where she was already thrown away.
You and your husband need to stand together on this. “United we Stand, Divided We Fall” Have a serious conversation with him and get a game plan. That girl is acting out because of some sort of trauma. Get her into therapy. With her being promiscuous I am thinking she has been sexually traumatized. Pulling away is not the answer, that is what she wants you to do… Dig in your heels with your husband and fight the good fight… You may be saving her life.
Sounds like a normal teenager… would you distance yourself from your own child when they become a teenager? No
Yup, step away from her. Let her dad deal with her or send her back to her mother. I’m talking from experience. I have step kids and I’ve done everything for her them. Older one moved in with us. Started out great about yr later, she didn’t like our rules and her bio mother started talking to her and everything went to hell. I stepped away to protect myself and I also have a daughter to focus on and take care of her. You need to focus on yourself, your bio kid and husband. They are your first priority.
She is allowed to cal, you a bitch in a text like you are allowed to blast her on the internet.
You married him so that’s your kid too. Quit being a super controlling enforcer of rules and she might open up to you. She shouldn’t though, but she does need someone to listen to. If she doesn’t learn to control herself and her actions then she’s fucked when she turns 18. So give her stuff back, discuss boundaries, consequences and rewards as a family. And breathe. Cause sh3 will be a grown up soon. But as a teenage slut, I didn’t know someone could “love” me if I didn’t put out. Now I’m 31 and have been completely celibate for like 3-4 years￼, cause I’m working through trauma. Guys like to get you juuuuuust fucked up enough that you don’t feel comfortable saying no, she can’t call you cause you will obviously just punish her. She needs positive attention and to TRUST YOU and to feel comfortable calling you for a ride from some dudes house that she doesn’t want to fuck and you gotta be ok with her lying about being at a friends cause you were able to keep her safe in the end. She fears you? She stays there and god knows what happens. I think I was raped like 12 times before I turned 18 and then a few more after that. I couldn’t call my grandma cause I was drunk and my makeup got fucked while I was crying so I would stay awake laying in silence until someone would take me home the next day.
Nothing wrong with stepping back and letting dad handle her. You’re not wrong or a bad mom for doing it either.
Have this conversation with your husband and she needs therapy
Therapy is a given but do you realize that the threat of and already having been bounced from one parents house to the other because she’s got “bad behavior” is something that shakes the foundation of her core hierarchy of needs? That makes everything else above it suffer too. It’s easier to push people away than ro accept the hurt of being given up on. Don’t pull away, pull her close, and even though her walls are up and she will act like it’s obnoxious to her, she needs to hear over and over that her place in your home is secure. Her home and love is unconditional and unwavering.
She should try therapy. & maybe all of you as a family. But why would you pull back? If that was your bio child, would you step back? Shes acting out 1 cuz shes a teenager & 2 theres prob something else going on. She needs everyone to provide rules & stick to them, but also for everyone to show love & that she matters. But def try therapy
You don’t get to send a child away because of their behavior. It sounds like she hasn’t really had a mother for most of her life. It sounds like she has gone through alot and has low self esteem. She’s looking for attention, even if it’s negative attention. Put that baby in therapy and get her the help that she is so obviously screaming for.
It would be nice to know her age.
I would take her into a therapist and get her evaluated for any mental health issues.
By threatening to send her away Is just causing this already disposable child more mental health concerns ! Maybe she’s acting out .get her o
Into counseling and atleast try to help her .you don’t know what her life was like at the biological mothers . I’m not telling you to let her get away with her teenage actions .keep doing what you are doing and some .
“found” messages. Like they were laying the floor or you snooped through her phone. If you are snooping through her stuff, you broke your own heart. Teens inner dialog and their Convo with friends are sometimes warped and very self-serving. If she’s calling you names to your face then deal with that, but if she is having conversation with her friends or in her journal, that’s none of your business.
She’s a teenager, not a paper cup…you can’t just dispose of her bc you don’t want to deal with her behavior/actions😒 She goes to school and works which tells me that she has some sense of responsibility so there has to be more to your story as to why she may be acting out, or trying to not have her location known. You openly admitted to distancing yourself so maybe she feels unloved and the fact you threaten her with sending her away probably makes her feel unwanted so it’s no wonder she’s being rebellious. You and the father need to have a heart to heart with her before it ends up with her running away, getting pregnant to escape the both of you
If she were your biological child would you pull away or send her away? She clearly needs some counseling to get to root of issues. Sounds like she is already struggling with feelings of abandonment from mom, and likely why she is seeking attention from guys. Get her some individual help, and consider family therapy too.
She needs therapy risky sexual behavior can be a sign of abuse or grooming. If she’s not comfortable talking to you about it she might be afraid of losing you, kids tend to push back on the safest adult. Therapy for you would be good too, learning how to manage that kind of stress is hard.
Would you pull away from your bio kid if he/she were doing those things??
You should be treating her no different than you would if it was your own child rebelling! You can’t just pull away because it’s your step daughter. You should be trying even harder especially considering the fact that her own mother already gave up.
Distance definitely isn’t the answer. Deal with her as you would if it were your own child. Open communication, consistency, lack of judgment. If you had a good relationship she may feel she could trust you to talk you.
Send her back to her mother. The truth is you are an extra parent & ur doing everything u can but while she is getting all the attention for misbehaving who is there for your bio kids? They don’t have another mother figure to go to. Not fair. Send her back
Do Not sent her back to her mom!!! She already probably feels like noone wants her. Granted, this is because of her actions, but keep telling her you want her living with you an you love her!!! Keep the faith!!!
Honestly, this sounds like it’s time to double down, take her for a quality time day, pedicures, a concert, something interesting to her. Tell her you love her and want to help her navigate this hard time and that you’re worried she’s going to get into a situating that can be avoided, etc.
Stop. This is TLDR. Just by that first question sentence you are absolutely wrong. YOU decided to marry her dad. Like wtf is wrong with people today. You should have never married her dad if you didn’t want to take on his child. Stop being a bitch.
Don’t threaten her with more abandonment, for starters. You all need to be in group and individual therapy.
For starters, call therapists and explain all of this to them and get the advise from people who actually know what they’re talking about. Not on social media where people are going to be rude and give you terrible advise.
If she’s old enough for sex, driving and working then she’s old enough to make better choices. Stop being her taxi. She can ride the bus and pay for rides to work. Do what’s legally required and make her earn anything more. When it’s legal evict her.
People didn’t tell Ted bundys mom “but but but that’s your SON!”. So ridiculous to think you deserve to be held hostage in your own home to an ungrateful and disobedient brat. She’s resisting everything then let her find her way without you. We shouldn’t have to be treated like this by anyone in our own homes. Fuck that.
My daughter is 13 and has the same attitude with me and her step dad difference is is that I’ll tell her no and she’ll ask him luckily he asks me but she is a teenager pushing her boundaries to see what she can get away with under no circumstances should you or anyone threaten her with sending her away because she’s causing problems in your love life parents argue about kids all the time. If I threatened my kids to go to there fathers just because they did something my significant other didn’t like or because they have an attitude they’d never trust me again. Don’t let her get to you she is a child your an adult understand that she is not being spiteful she is a rebellious teenage girl that needs to be taught boundaries and shown love obviously she got sent away once for behavior problems show her you love her more than the attitude and sneaking around makes you upset, my blood children have got caught calling me a b*tch behind my back I didn’t cry about it I laughed cause I know the more they are mad at me the better job I’m doing… I did take phones for 2 weeks and they didn’t get to go no where but school and home
Don’t give up on the child. She’s testing you unfortunately to see how far she can push you. One day she will look back and know who was there for her through thick and thin. I know it’s hard but don’t give up on her. I have a step daughter too who I felt she didn’t love me… I fought for years to he where we are now. Just keep giving her your love and one day it will fall into place. I’m sorry
I hope you guys can find her some sort of counseling. Having a mother that has neglected her needs has definitely played a toll on her mental health. Dont push her away. She needs you more than ever. Just Remember not to be so hard on yourself. Parents counseling will also be beneficial for you as well to learn ways to cope. You are not alone
Behavior stems from communication. If she’s not receiving/or didn’t grow up receiving enough positive attention she has learned to seek it in a negative form. It is also why she is seeking attention outside of the home/through social media. It will take time, lots of effort, and patience, but it can absolutely be turned around. She needs stable consistency. Kids need, and subconsciously crave, structure, love, and guidance. Reward the small good things quickly, take baby steps. Eventually those small things will turn into big things.
She is looking for her Dad’s attention, children can’t just be sent back because of behavior. She feels abandonment which is most likely why she is acting out in the first place, possibly from both parents. I know this sucks but this isn’t about you really, it’s her feelings towards them. Seek a therapist for her for sure. Maybe her and Dad need some sessions together too
Tell her to ask her dad , not you keep it 1 direction so you are not caught in the middle. When she asks tell her either wait til her dad gets home or go ask him directly
You can’t threaten to send her away. She has already been sent away once and she needs to feel the unconditional love of her parents. Real or step. If people keep discarding her she will learn that she is disposable and will behave that way. Never threaten to send her away. You’re doing all the right things so maybe double down on your restrictions. Take away the phone and the TikTok. Make her earn ever single bit if freedom she wants. I know it’s stressful but your a mom. There is no out here. You have to keep doing the right thing no matter how difficult it is because this is what you signed up for.
Firstly she can still message people on TikTok so be aware of that. Secondly, it sounds like she needs a more intensive counseling if she is running off and having sex with random people. Maybe at an in patient facility where she is better kept track of and can be removed from any other interferences so she can get better.
I would definitely let him send her back to the mother. There are way too many mysteries on TV where step parents are killed by step children who resent and/or hate them. You’ve tried. Let your husband act on this. Protect yourself!
Just keep loving her! Also being really strict causes them to be rebellious
Yknow maybe it’s best if her dad is the sole authority. He needs to set her straight or she’s welcome to go back to her moms. I’d take myself out of the equation.
Maybe talk to your pastor about this and see if he can refer a counselor for both her and you and her father.
SEND HER BACK TO HER MOTHER. If she cannot respect you or abide by the rules you set in YOUR home, nope….she gotta go
Speaking from experience, distancing yourself emotionally is sometimes all you can do. You have to protect yourself. Talking crap behind your back is going to happen, no matter that you do for your step kids. With some kids, you will never be enough.
What would you do if she were your biological child? Would you still pull away?
The older they get the worse they get. Not all cases are the same. Hope she changes.
She’s playing all of you until you give up or start a fight with you and him.
I agree on the tictok too…along with Megan and Bunny
Maybe try counseling. For both of you. Separately and maybe some together too! Please don’t send her back to the mom that already gave up on her.
I’d guess she despises you for invading her privacy. Not a parent , but , perhaps you should back up and give her some space, shes at the age where shes going to do what shes going to do. Support her when she does right, and when she screws up. Your her ‘mom’, love her like one, not a private investigator.
How old is this Step daughter?
If it were one of y’all’s kids together sending them back to the other parents house wouldn’t be an option. I don’t think it should be for her either. It’s like saying I’m don’t feel like dealing with you nor do I love you. I’ll just get rid of you.
I don’t think your wrong to pull away a little as long as it’s not send her the message that you don’t love her. It could be she is trying to make you pull away so you’ll leave her alone.
I have a step daughter. We have an amazing relationship. She is now 23. When she was a teen she did pull away some. I think some of it is the age. They are wanting to make their own decisions and learning who they are. If it were me I’d ask my step daughter how she feels about the rules and how things are handled. I’d also tell my husband to be the one to make the decisions with her and not have her come to you.
It’s okay to set boundaries with our children, biological or not.
First off how old is she and second off don’t pull away I mean would you do that to your own kid
Sounds like she’s a teenager who’s going thru the rebelling stage. If she was your biological child would you pull away from her? Probably not so why would you pull away from her? She obviously has built up anger and stress in her life as it is because she doesn’t know how to express it correctly. Also the other siblings that are calling you a bitch sound like they’ve been influenced by their moms about you. And most teenagers who want something will go to the parent they know will get it for them (most kids do this too). Set up rules as a family you her and dad sit down at a table or couch and make some rules TOGETHER.
She is a teen bring a teen.
I don’t have complete advice. But I’d start by seeing her as your own and not a step child to send away when things get tough…
If it was your child will you give up? She needs guidance, support her
I would try therapy for her and for the whole family sometimes it’s easier to fix a problem when there is someone that is not so close to the problem
She is testing you and trying to find her freedom. Your mother is correct about the stress affecting your health. If your relationship with your husband is being challenged due to the shenanigans HIS daughter is pulling, you all should seek family council. From experience, I can tell you that the problems will escalate until you all come to a solid, mutual agreement on rules and consequences. I have seen some very damaging and very expensive plots played out between siblings who live in separate households. Do not let this get any further out of hand.
No, don’t distance yourself. Whether she realizes it or not, she needs you. Maybe instead of you and dad saying yes or no when she asks for something, say let’s talk to dad or let’s talk to stepmom and decide. This way you are all discussing things together but more importantly, she is seeing that you and dad are united in your decisions. A lot of teens are selfish and just plain jerks, it’s up to us to keep attempting to guide them and love them, even when they don’t feel lovable. Also some family therapy might help. And make tictoc go away, it’s one of the worst sm platforms out there. I hope she’s able to turn things around for herself. Hugs for you all