Does anyone else have a mom that is completely oblivious to the fact that you have a baby?  she doesn’t ever come around, but is super loving and affectionate when she does come around, she lives within a few miles from you, but makes it seem impossible to see her.  anytime you have plans she obsessively changes the plans last minute. She only excepts plans when they’re convenient for her even when she’s completely retired?  will make up excuses to get out of things. Did not come to my sister‘s baby shower because she purposely made a dog grooming appointment that day she goes to a salon and gets her hair washed every single day and goes and gets her car washed every single day, and because of these so-called appointments can never do anything because her day is booked. Literally about to go nuts ! But she is so loving and buys kids anything they want but is so obsessed with finding ways to get out of spending time with us?
We see my mum 3 or 4 times a year lol she lives and works locally too lol she loves us all but she has her own life x i do communicate over whats app weekly maybe little more but thats it lol 
These would be difficult for people to understand who never had to deal with narcissistic parents. It’s painful and exhausting. You try and try and try… in the end no contact gives you peace. You try and get closure and just move on. That continuous hurt is exhausting and draining.
She’s already raised a family. She needs her time to herself now to enjoy her senior years. Let her be don’t bother her if she feels inclined to visit she will.raise your kids and let her be grandma getting them gifts when she deems it necessary she will give them time
My mother’s never been involved and doesn’t even know their names despite telling me time and time again she wants to get to know us. It USE to make me cry to think about. But you learn to grow from it. I know what we deserve and consistency is a BIG thing to me. Don’t take it too personal.
I would be open and komest about how you feel and ask why she is doing this
Not Been rude,but your mum is allowed to have a life
It’s been years since my mother has paid any attention to me, my sisters, her grandchildren or great grandchildren . She is 82 now. Stays in bed. My sisters and I bring her food. She is so ungrateful and mean. She stays in bed so she doesn’t have to see us. We were ignored growing up so I guess this is to be expected. My sisters and I just put up with it. Even though she throws out most of the food we prepare for her at least we brought it. Our nerves are wearing thin but there’s nothing else we can do except accept the resentment .
She has her own life and can do with her time as she pleases
I have a step mom like this! She was a great mom when my mom passed at 11 years old. Then through the years she has gotten my father to stop talking to me as well. I get the random “I love you texts” from my dad. But I have 4 kids, they barely even see. They show up to birthday parties and sit away from my kids and us. It sucks, but it is what it is. My family died when my mom died sadly. I know if she was here it would be different
A Mom won’t be around forever. It sounds like your Mom may feel abandoned herself. When the children leave home and begin a new life; the exact same thing happens to a Mom. We care for our children for many, many years. They are our world! When they’re no longer needing us we become lost in a way. We try hard to fill our lives with things to do. We finally realize that there is more out there than our little cozy family. As we get older; other things start creeping in. we deal with chronic illnesses sometimes; which can make even taking a shower difficult. On a good day; we might get out to go grocery shopping, or run errands that can no longer be put off. We do appreciate the little things our kids do for us. Thank God for the 80 something year old Mom! Making food for parents is nice but chances are she can’t eat most of what she used to like. She probably hurts all over and feels cranky and down from all of the problems she is facing. For your Mom; she may be so ingrained in her routine that she can’t stop the compulsion to get her car cleaned or may have trouble being out in a crowd or no longer can tolerate things she used to. Speaking from experience; having a chronic illness and just not feeling well; there are days that getting in the bath is about all I can do for that day! She herself has become a different person; one where she no longer fits in. She no longer needs the constant feedback from her kids. She’s interested but can’t understand why she is needed only when her kids want to see her; but what if she’s been alone so much that she thinks that she doesn’t matter anymore? What if she feels that the only reason her kids give her any attention at all is because they need something from her? Maybe she just needs them to be in the present moment for her? I’m not saying this is the case; just giving a perspective of 60 something year old Mom; whose friends for years has been her own children? It’s a normal process but I think the feeling of abandonment can be present on both sides. My kids have been my life literally! My husband worked away so much; I’m surprised that they knew much of their Dad when little. My kids are still my life and I jump at the moment they need me but I have felt left out, lonely, sad that there’s not much communication except when they need me. That’s it; in a nutshell when they need me! I love to be needed but my feelings can get hurt at times. I still prefer these years better than the teenage years though! Grandchildren make me happy and young. I’m a Mom to 4 kids 3 girls;1 boy, 3 grands and it’s good to be needed but I realize even these babies will be growing and moving on. I think you’re describing every older Mom in the world. Love her anyway; all too soon she will be totally gone and then…it’s so hard for me not to wonder why I didn’t try harder to be with her. Let her know how much I loved her. One day we all end up in these shoes. Pray that your own kids remember you and give that love back to you.
She has her own life and can do as she pleases. She raised you and your sister she fulfilled her part she’s living her own life now as she sees fit. She owes you and your kids nothing. She doesn’t have to be heavily involved if she chooses not to they are your kids not hers
Maybe she just wants peace and quiet to live her life as she sees fit. No child knows what their parents relationship was really like because we hide so much from our children…even when they are adults…so maybe don’t judge how she wants to live now . Keep contact when you’re both available and accept that just maybe her past life wasn’t as happy as it might have been and she wants freedom to do what she wants before she runs out of time .
I don’t understand why you’d go nuts?
She’s retired not dead, she can fill her days however she wants
She’s not obligated to dote on you and your child nonstop
Yep and she hates me with a passion. Loves her grand daughter and great grand daughter but hates me. Was never there for me. Was always there for other ladies my age. She’s a covert narcissist and if I were you, stay away from her as much as you can. If this is how she is treating you, then you need to make that decision to cut the cord between you and her because you will never get the love and support from a narcissist. Period.
Does she potentially have anxiety and possibly OCD? Washing a car daily seems a bit obsessive.
My mom and MIL are the same way. Both like close and we may see one piece a year and the other it’s been several years. Yes they have their own lives and no one expects them to stop that. However, it would be nice for our children (now grown) to have had that experience of doing grandma things. It was no different with the grandpas. It’s sad to me, a different world then what I grew up in when they wanted to spend time with their grandkids. It shouldn’t be a chore, it should be a joy for them. I believe we as parents need that support and our children need that love. I’m sorry you don’t have that. There can be balance for them, you are not asking her to raise them. It will not get better.
People are who they are. Your mom probably lived her whole life for you and everyone else, now she gets to make her own rules and schedule. Someone people are true to their family and some people are true to themselves.
I feel like you are describing my mom. It’s very hard on me and my kids my mil is the same way. My husband and I have learned that family is where you come from but is who you have. Most of the family my kids have aren’t blood related and they are loved. After I lost my grandma I have promised to do anything it takes for my boys to see they are loved
It sounds like she spent her time raising a child who is capable and decided to do what she wants now that her kids are adults. If you are wanting to see her more or her to be more involved ask her to be.
Never force anyone to show up for you or your kids. In the end it’s their decision and it tells you what is important to them. The person who will regret it most will ultimately be the one who didn’t show up. Sounds like she’s happily doing her own thing. Let her. Maybe there are things about your mom you don’t know. Maybe she is tired after a long time of sacrificing her needs for others and now she’s done doing that. It’s sad either way. You long to have a super close relationship with your mom and I’ve been there. But once you let it go I promise it does get better. The feeling pops up every now and again and you just have to let it sift through your fingertips and focus on your little family. You can always try talking to her about it nicely just so you know you tried everything. If it still doesn’t change then she’s told you what she wants. The best kind of time spent with someone is the time they offer up willingly. Try your best to let this go. For yours and your child’s sake.
I live three miles from my grandkids. We have fun Friday with grandma. I pick them up after school, have dinner, play outside, cuddle and read and they go home. I prefer one on one time. I don’t like the party get-together stuff. You are having a whole conversation in your head where mom is terrible and she’s missing out. She’s most likely neither one. I can race you to the corner, and you may win. That does not mean I’m not running my hundred percent. Everyone’s emotional output and anxiety is different.
As someone who was raised by grandparents it breaks my heart every day that my children won’t have those relationships but at the end of the day it’s not worth my time and mental well being to try and force them to be there. I recommend just to stop reaching out and focus on any one who does care to be involved
U are fixated on the life/relationship u desire which are not the way things are. You need to learn her role in ur life and accept it or let her go. Find the people that love you and ur kids the way u want. Don’t force anyone. Family isn’t always blood.
She already raised her kids. She is living her best life. This is your season to be a mom not hers. I’m sorry it’s a struggle but you need to focus on your journey and allow her to enjoy hers whatever that looks like.
Judy Sherosky Mosley 
thankful my kids have the best grandparents in the world
She’s living her life the way she wants to. She’s raised her kids.
Let it go,you are busy raising your family….i wouldn’t change any of my plans to accommodate her……when she comes,es around,fine……when she doesn’t……her loss…seeing your children grow but apparently she’s good with it.
You can’t force a relationship. I know I tried but it is their loss. As the kids get older they will remember and not have anything to do with her
Sounds like she raised her kids and is retired now and spending time on herself.
This might sound stupid, but maybe your mom has an anxiety/depression problem going on. As someone who has the same problem, it helps me to feel more “in control” of my life if I have a consistent routine and specific things to take care of (like various appts). Mom may not feel like being around a baby or young child when she’s extra anxious and overstimulated even though she loves them dearly. That would make sense since she’s so loving and affectionate when she is able to be around since she’s in the “right frame of mind”.
Oh my goodness .l could not get enough of my grandbabies. I watched them anytime and cried when they had to leave. I made a nursery for them at my house. I kept them as long as they would let me. Nothing more important than spending time with my Grands.
She’s allowed to do all of those things. She’s not an automatic babysitter just b/c she’s your mom. When I had my first kid, my mom was like this. I was young, needed help, she didn’t really do much one way or the other. Then I had my 2nd and ended up living with her for a bit. Complete turn around. But that was her choice.
If she loves them she will see them. These Grandparents don’t know what they are missing. I Live to see mine .
I’m betting she has some type of social anxiety disorder. Being around loved ones, she may feel an overwhelming sense of expectation. Hair stylist, dog groomer, etc are not significant people in her life so the brief time she sees them are of no consequence. She may have a fear of doing something wrong and upsetting you (family/those she loves). I have panic and anxiety disorders. I can go out in public and smile be 100% social. Even though it’s all fake. I have a very difficult time around my loved ones anymore. Holiday get togethers it’s difficult for me to be there for a couple hours even. Most of that time I spend cooking or cleaning up in the kitchen. I want to be with my family, but when I am my heart races, I shake, and my chest hurts. Sometimes I even get short of breath. I so used to having to act ok in public that I can put on a great face that my loved ones can’t pick up on. I’m not saying this is her case, just that it could be a possibility.
Maybe ask her why (?)
She might have issues with feeling drained socializing or something.
That was my mom. She loved her grand kids but really didn’t want to spend time with them. She had raised her kids and was having time for herself then. When I was 5 she told me not to have kids because she wasn’t grandmother material. I still had kids but I never expected her to be around all the time. She didn’t come to my showers and I know she just wasn’t comfortable in those situations. I never grew up being close to my grandmother so it wasn’t weird to me,and I have met the overbearing grandmas who feel like this is their chance to be a mom again and I’m so glad my mom never expected that. For the last ten years of her life my mom and I talked on the phone everyday and we would talk about the kids of course but it was nice that I wasn’t just thrown to the side and ignored because i had kids. Be thankful your mom is still here. It’s not up to you how everyone else’s relationships are, and that’s okay.
Me. She recently stopped talking to me and I’m over it. What I can say is that I have an awesome stepmom who is a great grandma to my babies (I have 3). We talk all the time and she’s basically like the mom I never had. She lives an hour away and my children call her mami. Those who want a relationship with your children will make the effort to be in your child’s lives.
It’s better to just let go and stop expecting her to come around. Saved me from being let down a lot.
This isn’t abnormal behavior for someone who’s raised her children. The baby shower part was awful but still. You can’t expect her to be there so much. She has her own life now as do you.
Here’s the thing. Al the mother has already done her job with her kids . Maybe she doesn’t want to be a consistent grandmother! And that’s okay!
Of course I would only make appointments when it’s convenient to me, why would I make appointments when it’s not convenient to me? Why would she be any different? What’s wrong with her treating herself daily to a shampoo if she can? Just because she has retired doesn’t mean she has to be available for whenever you want most likely free childcare. She’s allowed to have a life. Would you inconvenience yourself for others? I bet not. Don’t expect others to just lay down their lives just because you had a kid. She has a life, respect it.
Maybe your mom has depression . She can get her hair washed 2 times a day and still have depression. Maybe sit down and talk to her about how you feel. Let her know that you are there for her and the kids would rather have memories than material items . Good luck!
Shes retired and raises her kids so yah man this is her free years to do whatever she wants. Sucks but she can cancel etc anytime she wants just wild how she wants to so much instead of being honest.
Honey let her go ,killed my self trying to include my mom in my kids life when they were young ,some people are so self absorbed and narcissistic and love the attention you give them by begging and asking for involvement. Stop inviting, including, calling ,texting etc ,go live your best life and have no regrets . I speak from experience on both sides the uninvolved mom and the kids who think it’s awful I was an involved grandparent so I let go … prayers and love
Maybe it’s you guys …She did her job. Let her do what she wants period… I would just literally tell you I don’t want to…It’s your issue not hers
Don’t sweat the small stuff
Its her problem
Don’t make it yours
As a newly retired grandmother I have this perspective: I love my grandchildren and I keep them 1 day every week and every other Friday. Past that I’m doing what I damn well please. As you age and especially retirement age you realize you don’t have as many years left ahead as you do behind you. All the things you ever wanted to do are available to do now. That’s what she is doing. Expect nothing from your Mom and what you get will be a bonus.
mine & it didn’t bother me.
Beauty shop and car wash every day? That’s ocd behavior, sounds like she needs some help. Can you persuade her to make an appointment for a medical checkup, and go with her?
This breaks my heart. Because I am like your mom. I LOVE my family/ friends. But I am an extreme homebody. I will be there if you need me. I will lavish love and gifts on the people I care about. But I enjoy being home. This is my safe space. This is my sanctuary.
I get anxious and over stimulated. That, in turn, can sour my mood and I can get bitchy. Even on holidays, I really look forward to seeing everyone. I get very excited. And I enjoy EVERY SINGLE SECOND with them. But I can only do a couple of hours, tops, before my entire being is SCREAMING that it’s time to go back home.
Have you tried talking to her about how you feel? Don’t place blame or make her feel attacked. Just tell her how much you miss her and that it would make you happy to be able to spend some time with her.
The baby shower thing was a bit odd to me… but maybe she suffers from social anxiety? Or gets over stimulated as well?? I know I don’t do well in large groups. People give me the ick. Bright lights and a lot of noise can trigger my fight or flight response…
Of course, I could be completely wrong. Just trying to give another perspective.