My boyfriend has kids with his ex. I have raised them when we first got together 2 years ago mom left state came back… He has custody she has visitation every other weekend and Fridays when he works till he gets off for his weekends. She is now throwing a fit that he won’t let her see them more and all this. In the summer they stay till Monday at her house till she works. She works nights. Then has let them go on vacation with her. Even though in papers it doesnt state he has to. Holidays we are attempting to split. In our state most people trick or treat on satuday if it lands on sunday… we are offering her to take them satuday to trick or treat so we can get kids to bed at a decent time on Halloween because of school the next day. If we mess up their schedule even by a half an hour we’re screwed they act out. We have tries to talk to her about splitting the other holidays. She is throwing a fit. She had them last Christmas eve and is demanding them this Christmas eve and all of Christmas break. She is refusing to pay the full child support amount and is throwing many different tantrums about all of. Now she is saying she is only getting to see the kids when it’s convenient for him… Mind you we are supposed to have a week notice if plans chance. She wanted them longer on his Friday… she asked that day and we agreed as long as she fed them dinner. She decided she wasn’t going to keep the kids longer. Even though we didn’t have to we was letting her. We explained if she talked to us we can work something out if she has plans and wants to keep them longer on his fridays… but if we have plans and can’t do it we will tell her again it is his weekends and if we make plans with the kid’s we explained we would tell her. But again she said it was only when it’s convenient for him… are we in the wrong?? I’m seriously done trying with her.
Stay out of it unless you’re married. That is to be handled between him and her.
The minute she left she lost her right to say what she wants. She didn’t care about them when she left and now because she’s decided to come back you guys shouldn’t unfold your guys routine and bend over backwards for her. Let her throw her tantrums. He has taken care of their whole and if she becomes difficult then just following the paperwork of custody. Kids need routine.
Is there an agreement between the two of them? When me and my ex split we got a custody agreement in place which set the holiday schedule and splitting up. If there is one in place follow it and stick to it.
I know it’s hard sometimes but stick to the agreement. If she wants to see them more let her take their dad to court. If the judge agrees there will be set days and times she’ll still have to abide by. My suggestion is to keep a journal of when she has them, extra time, regular time, even note the times she wanted them and didn’t take them.
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You keep saying “we,” these are not “we” decisions. These are HIS decisions. Yes, I read she left for about 2 years and you HELPED HIM raise his children. Kudos to you but that doesn’t mean you get to make these choices. Nor should you express annoyance or anger IF and WHEN your boyfriend let’s them go against your opinion.
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You seem to be seeing this as what she (the mom) wants/what you are doing for her but you should be viewing it as, would the children enjoy it? Would the children thrive with more time with mom. Would the children want that extra time. You see, extra time with mom isn’t for you or her or for dad. It’s the children’s time with those they love.
My boys dad and I do NOT have a good relationship. He has done a lot of things I disagree with, he has taken off and not seen our boys for long periods of time. However, despite how I may feel, our boys absolutely LOVE every second they get with their dad. They crave that time. I won’t be the one who stops that.
Our court order says every other Saturday-Sunday, half the summer and winter breaks, and every other holiday, BUT anytime he asks for them, if we do not have plans, he gets our boys. I have also offered up all my Sundays to him unless we have a family trip. It isn’t about him or me, and everything to do with our boys.
Not to mention, studies show that every other weekend isn’t adequate enough for children or the other parent. And that children thrive better with equal time with both bio parents. Who is it hurting letting the children spend more time with mom?
Funny how nobody has said anything about the kids yet.
Ask them their opinion too. They know where they want to be and if safety isn’t an issue,they should be allowed to help make that choice.
Nope you’re not wrong. And great job trying to make things work to the best of your ability. Boundaries are very necessary, especially when children need the structure and safety to feel secure. Sounds like she’s projecting her inadequacies and insecurities as a parent onto you guys. She’s guilt tripping you because she feels guilty herself about how she abandoned those kids. She would benefit greatly from counselling. And please also pay very close attention to how the kids are feeling about all of this. Their little feelings can get forgotten about in the midst of adult issues. I would suggest going thru the court system regarding visitation and sticking to what is decided through the court because making changes to that can get messy quite fast. If she wants more time with them, she should request it thru the court so that changes can be effectively documented and all parties can be held accountable. Also, it’s really great that you care so much about those kids.
Ignore it if the court order says something she can’t change it stick to ur agreements
Stick to what her visitation is & tell her if she has a problem with it take you guys back to court for more visitation…& the court is gonna ask her why she is so behind in child support…she sounds like a very unreasonable person who if she doesn’t get her way throws a temper tantrum like a 3 yr old…don’t play her games
Time to reinstate the court orders. No give. If she doesn’t pay her child support she’s going to kick her own butt.
First off you need to go by the custody agreement that’s why it is in place the more time you give her will be brought up in court by her lawyer which will change the custody agreement and give her more time with them so stop it now. She needs to be pursued about the child support letting it go is in breech on the court order. Also imagine what she is saying to the kids about you and their father she sounds very toxic for them. Again keep the custody agreement the way it is or you are going to have bigger problems in the future. I was in court with my EX for years if you want to message me feel free too.
The only thing I’d say you guys are doing “wrong” is continuing to work with her when she has this entitled and toxic attitude. I’ve been there though, done that, so I get it.
Just keep doing what’s best for the kids.
If there needs to be a change in the scheduled time with her or yous can’t agree on things then go back to court it’s that simple!
There is a court agreement. That is the only right answer. If she wants it Changed she can get a lawyer.
The whole first sentence “my boyfriend has kids” is the fact of the matter. You are gracious enough as his “girlfriend” to help raise his kids. In the eyes of the court you truly have no say. You dont mention why bio mom was gone for 2 years? Was she getting herself together? On drugs? In a abusive relationship? All those things matter. If she is not happy with current visitation or support she is welcome to contact the court. Kudos to you for helping but let the bio mom as well. She may be what they really need. After all its the girlfriend asking advice and not dad. Good luck to you all!
Go by what the papers say. Trying 2 do anything outside of what’s clearly stated will just end badly. If she wants it changed take it 2 court. Kids are not ragdolls. U don’t just get them when its convient and the parent who has sole custody doesn’t just give kids up for that reason. Kids remember who’s there and who isn’t. U guys don’t sound like ur beingbunreasonable given the fact she moved out of state and wasn’t seeing the kid as often as she is now. Throwing a fit of holidays is retarded really. I understand most jobs don’t let u off for more than just a day or 2 on holidays but the kids here get out 2 weeks for Christmas and a week for Thanksgiving. The time can be split evenly on those holidays there should be no reason I can’t compromise on these things.
He should not even put up with any of her demands, but instead go back to the Judge and get that full Child Support enforced, as well as reiterate to her she is bound by his granting her time and nothing more.