Brother in law lives with us and it's a nightmare

My husband and I let his thirty year old brother move in with us and our 1 year old daughter in June, because he didn’t have a place to live. We charge him $400 a month to live in the spare bedroom at our house, which I think is a pretty reasonable deal. This man, does NOT know how to clean. I work from home, and my husband works 50-70 hours a week depending on the week, so I don’t really get upset if my husband is too tired to help clean up some weeks. I work four ten hour days, and honestly I’m exhausted by the time I get off work.

The problems started by him leaving the hallway bathroom door open. Which, isn’t a huge deal to me. But our oldest dog, 13, likes to get in the little trash can and throw all the trash everywhere. After a few times of walking in there in the morning and cleaning up trash, I’ve asked everyone in the house to please leave the door shut because I’m tired of cleaning up the mess. He doesn’t do it and my dog still gets in there and destroys the mess. I’ve even gone as far as posing a little sign on the door asking to please keep it shut. It still happens. Well, fast forward a couple months later, I’m scrolling through Facebook, and I see him post a picture of him and his “girlfriend”. I shrug and scroll, but something hit me and I scrolled back and noticed it was taken in the back bedroom of our house, where he stays. Now, one of our only rules when he moved in was, nobody comes over to our house when we’re there, or not there. Because you know, covid and everything. We don’t allow anyone in our home that we don’t know.

Well, I texted him and asked him if the girl was in our house. He said no that was taken at her house. I told my husband about it, and he asked him to send us a picture of her bedroom because he didn’t believe that she had the exact same color wall and exact same bed frame that we have. His brother responded by asking if we could talk about it later, because he’s at work and cannot have his phone out. Cool, no big deal. I was a little irritated because I know I was lied to. As the day went on I kept thinking about it and getting more and more angry.

I came home, and my husband asked him to come to the living room for a family meeting. The first thing he said when he walked into the room was, “I lied. She was here.”
I went off. I was angry. And I’m still angry that I was lied to. Thankfully, our daughter wasn’t there that night, she was at her grandparents. I wanted him out of our house that night, and out of our wedding (this was before we got married). My husband managed to convince me to let him stay until the first of the year with certain restrictions. We talked it over with his brother, and he agreed to having a curfew. This is a thirty year old man with a CURFEW.

A month or so go on, we get married, and he’s been alright. Kind of keeping to himself. But, he still doesn’t clean up. I have to wash his dishes (our dishes that he uses) and pick up his dirty boxers from the bathroom floor. I told my husband that if his brother didn’t start acting like a thirty year old man and not a twelve year old boy, he would be gone within a week. He agreed. But, it’s gotten nowhere. Two days ago, the hallway bathroom door got left open again. Trash got thrown all over the room by my dog. So, I left it there for two days to see if he’d clean it up. My husband, our daughter, and I used the other bathroom just to put a point across.

I walked in there today, and the trash was still there. I got mad and grabbed a trash bag and told my husband I was going to clean the hallway bathroom. His brother heard me and said he’d clean it up. I told him no, that it had been there for two days and he had a chance to clean it up, and I was tired of feeling like I have two children instead of one because of the amount of messes I have to clean up after him.

After I made that comment, he went to his bedroom and hasn’t come out since. I was so mad, that I put my headphones in and cleaned the house from top to bottom for three hours, scrubbing walls and ceiling fans and the whole nine yards. I told my husband if this clean house gets messed up by any adult in this house, I’m going to flip my lid.

Was I an asshole for acting like this? Or am I justified to my feelings? I’m just trying to keep a clean house so I don’t have to worry about my one year old putting random things in her mouth if I look away for a second.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Brother in law lives with us and it's a nightmare

I’d kick him out no need for that extra stress

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Give him 2 weeks to find another place. Your brother in law doesn’t respect you or your husband. Even my 12 year old son picks up after himself when I ask him. Or dishes or vaccuming etc.

If somehow your husband convinces you to let him stay on -AGAIN make a list of chores he has to do daily. For your own sanity to stay.

And you can always pull the no sex until your brothers gone card LOL

Yeah, hell no!!! He would be out, your not his mother and there’s no reason as to why you have to clean after him

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Why are you continuing to allow him to live there?!?!? Kick him out. Do it nicely if you have too! Give him a time limit to find a place and stick to it!

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Out of my house you filthy animal. Maybe put a dog house in the back yard for him and an outhouse.

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Never let extended family or friends nds come to live at your house. It doesn’t work.

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No house is big enough for two family I work sometimes 65 hours a week and my wife doesn’t pick up after me it not her job she works too so we both keep the house clean

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You can’t legally kick him out without giving a 30 day notice… you’ve accepted rent and he’s been there longer than 30 days so now he’s a legal resident of your home in the eyes of the law. If you change the locks on him you can get in trouble. So give him a 30 day notice to move out and if he isn’t out by the 30 days then you’ll need to start the eviction process

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Have you considered buying a trash can with a lid on it? My oldest daughter has one (stainless steel) and it keeps her husky out. And her plastic loving cat. Work smart, not hard.
Honestly, you sound like a little much (asking him to agree to a curfew then making fun of him for it?). But your house and your rules. If I was him I’d move.

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You’re definitely a bit much.

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Kick his ass out Forsure

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Wow, pathetic. You dont allow him to have a girl over, … for literally no good reason. Dont go to stores then if you’re worried about covid. Grow up. It doesn’t sound that bad. He’s paying 400 a month for a shitty little room and he cant have anyone over. Lol. Joke. AND a grown ass man a curfew? Get the fuck outta here with that shit. If you want to control a grown ass man, let him stay there for free.

Hey guy, if you’re reading this… get out of there as fast as you can and disown your sil.

I agree with the whole he needs to clean his mess up. But your treating him like he is your child with rules and a curfew :flushed:
He’s paying his way, let him treat where his staying as his own. Poor guy probably feels like he’s walking around on Egg shells around you…

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Nope, sorry for ya but I have a child to raise, therefore you are no longer welcome to live in my home.

I would not be alright with someone else (more so a grown adult) living in my home with my children & not respecting me, leaving his draws on the floor. Mmm :triumph::triumph:

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Let grown adults figure life out on their own & focus on your little family before he becomes an issue with your marriage.

I’d be telling him that it’s time to go, you’ve helped as much as you could but you don’t see it working out & there’s plenty of people out there looking for roommates.

He gotsta go :woman_shrugging:t3::woman_shrugging:t3::woman_shrugging:t3:

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I’m a clean freak I understand the frustration but you seem way too hard on him. He is 30 obviously there bevause he’s down he pays you rent and instead of letting him live in his room you treat him like a child. Now he did agree to those terms so that is where wanting him out seems reasonable but from the info u gave he doesn’t seem that bad. I definitely suggest finding a new place for the trash or getting one with q lid if your truly worried about your little one picking things up

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You’re def a bit much.

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He is paying rent to live there, not for you to be his maid, too. I’d be livid as well.

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You are not the asshole buy you and your husband are enabling him to keep acting the way he does! HE IS A GROWN ASS MAN!! Kick him out and worry about your own!

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Your not a bit much, your fed up, between a hard and a rock place. Sit down with him and tell him nicely so he understands, you house, your rules, the end

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I’m a mother, to 3 men ages 30-36. I also had my half brother from age 17, after my father passed away… I love them all dearly, I’d give my life for them. One is living with me now after leaving the Navy, and he’s in college full time.
You have a right to be upset. First of all, it probably shouldn’t be an indefinite arrangement with your BIL, time limit to getting his own place or roommates in another dwelling. Your house, your rules. I don’t care if he’s 18 or 65. Next time he leaves the door open, dump the trash on his bed. (Yes, a stainless can with a lid will help, but that doesn’t drive the point home) You have to learn to speak “male”. :wink: Boundaries are important, and have to be loud and clear, without all the talking.

Justified! He needs to go, now!

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Why haven’t you kick this man out

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I agree with everything except you freaking out about him having people over. He’s an adult and should be allowed to have his girlfriend over. He does pay rent. And giving him a curfew??? Yeah super weird.

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He pays rent he can have whoever he wants over. Yes he should clean . Get a trashcan with a lid.

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Totally valid… I would have been exactly the same

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I think you’re over reacting a lot but you’re probably just over the situation in general so little things become big things. Simply tell him it’s time to go. Not worth being angry everyday in your own home. Send him on his way orrrr you’ll have to just get over it because he is paying rent. If he doesn’t mind a dirty bathroom that’s on him and he’s paying $400 a month while he’s not allowed friends over plus has a curfew? That’s crazy. If he pays rent it’s his home. So loosen up or have him leave.

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He pays $400 a month for rent and can’t have guests over and has a curfew? That’s absolutely ridiculous! He maybe living like a pig which is absolutely disgusting and unacceptable but legally you can’t kick him out, legally he can come and go as he pleases, and legally he can have whoever he wants over there as his guest.

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That was a boring read

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You are justified and if you don’t want people bon your house that’s fair too .It’s ur damn house if you wanna have people over get your own place or rent a room elsewhere.

You are in the right all the way. Hes old enough to know to pick up after himself. And to help do dishes. I would be fed up and want him out.

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Not over reacting at all.

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Next time, put the trash on his bed :tipping_hand_woman:t3:

You are a bitch! You have shown his brother disrespect since he has been there. I would hide from you too.

You want him to act like an adult but you treat him like a child. Smh

Anyone who states you should kick him out are just as bad.

Think about it. He is your soon to be husband’s brother. You’re not only being a bitch but now you’re causing a wedge between him and his brother. Your soon to be husband notices.

You could get a trash can with a lid.

Unfortunately he’s a tenant there… you’ll have to go through a legal eviction in most states to get him out. It’s not as simple as telling him or giving him a week to get out.

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Not over reacting.
While the curfew is a bit much, I understand the guests thing, at the very least give heads up and request. But at this point, if he’s acting like a teenager, he gets treated as such.
I know what it’s like with a 1yr old and them wanting to put everything in their mouth. It’s scary thinking he could just leave something out in his negligence and she get ahold of it.
I’d start filing for an eviction though.

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You both suck to be honest. I mean he’s renting a room and he’s a grown man. Do you think he would bring someone unsafe into your home? I understand it’s your home but it’s his home too the day you rented him a room. It’s unreasonable to think he wouldn’t have a guest. And it sounds like he was respectful and kept her in his room. And as far as him not shutting a door and your dog getting into trash that you have to clean up that’s an uncool move. But it’s weirdly sounding like you just don’t want him there which is fine but be an adult about it and tell him instead of just pissing and moaning about things that are hardly problems. Sounds like a bunch of children living together.

Nope you shouldn’t have to clean up after him you guys are doing him a favor and so he has a little over a month to get out ? I guess I’d be like soon I won’t have to be dealing with this as for picking up his personal items like his boxers I’d just throw them away maybe he get the hint lol why can’t he stay with his girlfriend tho frfr ? Good luck I know after everything is all said and done your conscience may get to you but just know I’d be pisses off too

I agree he should definitely clean up after himself but come on he is paying rent that was required. He shouldn’t have a curfew and he should definitely be allowed to have guests. Seems to me you are trying to be to controlling.

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It’s tough when you are trying to help your in laws. I was trying to help my sister by having her stay with us for a while when she was in a tough spot. It ended up with hurt feelings on both sides. Your husband needs to have a very firm talk with his brother about this. Also, be mentally prepared that he will not leave unless you kick him out.

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Your making him pay rent but then treating him like a child and getting mad when he acts like a child? He’s 30 pays his bill there but he can’t have his gf over and then gets a curfew. :rofl: yeah I wouldn’t clean up your dogs mess either. Teach the dog to stay out the trash.

Your house, your rules! Put him out!

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I agree he should clean up after himself . But he pays rent as long as he’s not doing drugs in your house not much you can do about him having guests over which personally I tell you to kiss my butt on . Third you just can’t kick him out . Aslong as he has mail coming there you have to give a thirty day notice . Should read landlord laws lol then if he don’t get out you have to take him to court and evict him . Which honestly I think your a damn psycho !!

Evict him. He has zero respect for you or your home. It’s past time to put your foot down and refuse to budge.

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This is not a hate comment BUT he pays rent…therefore he is a tenant. He is allowed whoever he wants. You don’t have any rights to tell him what to do. Either let him stay or he can find another place to stay.

Also, he definitely should be cleaning up after himself. You can also get a different trash can and keep where you’re dog can’t reach it.

It can be terribly hard to live with in law’s. It sounds ( for the best ) that he should move out

put your trashcan up. same thing is going to happen when your child can reach door handles. or maybe train your dog :woman_shrugging:

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Covid concerns–no over night guests…he agreed to house rules.

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Maybe he could go live with the girlfriend. Tell him to start looking for his own place. Buy a doggie proof waste basket for your bathroom. Sounds like you just don’t like him and you feel he is invading your space and taking advantage of your hospitality. There should have been a time limit on how long he was allowed to move in from the beginning.

He can’t clean up after himself he won’t wash his dirty dishes but yet he wants to lay around with his girlfriend and your house well if he wants company he needs to start cleaning and acting like an adult not a juvenile I think I would give him 30 days to find someplace else

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Sounds like a big pain in the ass in general, he would be better off with room mates his age not your family if that’s the main concern. Too much stress

Kick him out tonight. Husband or not on your side. Your house your rule your say. I did it to my fiancee so called brother. He didn’t care once I told him all the reasons why. You’ve already said why to your husband so kick him out.

Go to his room in the morning, tell him he has a 30 minutes to get out before you start work. If he’s not out by then tell him he’s not helping cleaning anything he dirty and you want him out. You got all the rights to do it. You clean, you cook, you work. He dirty your house, he got no rights to be there.

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He’d be out if it was my house. I’ve been in your spot and it’s totally uncalled for. If he can pay you rent then he can pay someone else rent and be gone.

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You crazy give this man a 30 day notice because Legally that’s how you supposed to do this and then stop stressing about this shit

He’s fine. You on the other hand need therapy. Seriously, your over work, tired but your taking your anxiety and stress out on your brother. You need to get help

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Atleast he’s paying you rent and I get not having anyone over because of covid but why does he need a curfew? Your husband should be the one to handle this situation. Its his brother so I would just tell your husband your done and he needs to talk with him and find a solution. In the mean time put the trash can up or put a gate in the hallway so the dog can’t get to the trash.

Y’all BOTH sound crazy to live with! Good grief. Petty shit. Kick him out if you want. I’m surprised he even wants to live with you. Also-Train your damn dog not to get into the trash. That’s not his fault , it’s yours.

Oh boy… Not touching all that with a ten foot pole. Just gonna say this, taking people in, 9 times out of 10, ends up as more of a burden than a blessing. I lived with friends and it ruined our friendship, I’ve lived with family and it didn’t go well, I’ve taken friends in and now we’re no longer friends. Point is, get him out of there before the relationship gets strained beyond repair.

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It seems more like he’s being treated like a 12 year old boy rather than a 30 year old man!!
Honestly this is wild and it seems your decision to have him there was never ideal to begin with

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I think your being a little over zealous on the visitor thing. He is paying rent for his room and as long as he is being respectful, (like they aren’t walking around the home naked, the girlfriend isn’t sick, they both are leaving bad messes etc), his girlfriend should be able to come over and as long as they keep to themselves in their room, it should be ok. If he is leaving to go to work, and your husband and you guys are going around other people, you have the same risk of getting COVID regardless. Are you asking him to pick up the mess when it happens? Yes I know this is common sense but sometimes some people have to be verbally told to do something even though it should be obvious. If the dog gets into the trash and makes a mess due to him leaving the door open, as soon as you see it I would go tell him to clean it up. As for household chores maybe make a chore chart and tell him he is to do dishes on Tuesdays and thursdays, clean the bathroom every Saturday things like that. Again I know these things are obvious things that need to be done but some people just need that reminder.

Your husband needs to have a sit down with his brother because h is being extremely disrespectful. It’s not hard to follow rules. If he has a condition like ADD which I can understand forgetting, then put a sticky note on the door as a reminder. He should be picking up his own damn clothes and should be helping out with chores