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QUESTION:
"So about a year ago my husband and I decided to have a threesome a few times. Once with a woman and twice with two different men. We used protection so no worries. Anyways my husband and I are friends with the people we did. But my problem is my husband keeps hanging out with the female behind my back but won't let me hangout with the men. I've told him it hurts my feelings and I feel betrayed because I don't hang out with my previous sexual partners and he still continues to do it. He's also deleting messages. What should I do?"
RELATED: I Agreed to Do Something Uncomfortable with My Husband, but Now I Want Out: Any Advice?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"Three ways only work when there’s clean rules and boundaries attached. If it was me I’d be sitting down with my husband and discussing what boundaries have been crossed for me and what the rules need to be to keep the main relationship solid. Bringing in others needs solid foundation of trust and communication."
"Well, he’s cheating so if I were you I would make an appointment with my Dr to get tested for STDs. Only you know if the marriage can be saved or if you even want it to be saved."
"For anybody saying that you messed up by letting it happen, this is a storm you created, etc, just know I see you, and I think you’re valid in your ideas as far as sex and love! As far as your husband, you have two routes as far as I can see. Put your foot down and tell him enough is enough and you won’t stand for this infidelity as his wife, considering you BOTH brought her in and you BOTH wanted to do so. Polyamory is actual a very intimate thing, and needs frequent communication and discussion to avoid hurting your partner(s). Or two, you could harmlessly do the same thing he’s doing. Just make sure your stuff is kosher and innocent. Hide your texts, hang out, etc. When he has an issue, bring it up. Tell him how uncomfortable it makes you, just like it makes him. Either way, you’ll have your answer. He will either fix his nonsense or take his leave. And as much as you may love him, everything happens for a reason. Stay strong, every storm needs a rainbow Edit to add: please don’t get discouraged by the negative comments here. I’ve been in a situation much like this. You weren’t wrong for experimenting and you didn’t “cause” these issues.
Your husband is making choices free of your input."
"Unfortunately some people give a bad name to swinging and or a ploy life. Not every one acts like that. If you told him it’s hurts you and he won’t listen then he’s probably cheating. Deleting things is him obviously being guilty. I would tell him to either stop or you're done. It’s all you can do. Also if she is married or in a relationship talk to her other half about it. Set your boundaries and stick to it."
"Communicate to him. Tell him you dont like or find it appropiate how hes behaving. It was somethin you guys tried n’ everyone has to be involved. Tell him its not an open relationship, just a fun time occasionally. Good luck, some couples love living the lifestyle, but i hear it can be difficult emotionally and communication is so important"
"Relationships have boundaries. I hope you set some before inviting others in. Crossing any of these is cheating. Try setting them now. If you’re going to respect his boundaries by not talking to these men. He should respect your boundaries by not talking to the woman."
"He clearly doesnt respect you or whatever ground rules you both laid and accepted. If he is deleting messages, its for a reason. Have you talked to the other woman? I would. Sounds to me like he is continuing a relationship with her in which case it is cheating."
"Red flags, they going behind your back"
"Okay so shared relationship totally cool not my thing not here to judge your thing. But sounds like he cheating on yah just cause you gave the okay doesn’t mean your giving it now and when your not involved. So talk to him lay down rules"
"Yeah, he’s still seeing her behind your back."
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