Do you SO provide entirely for your household? Like bills, groceries, extras? Does he give you any money for yourself and or does he save so that you can get things if you need them? I am currently a STAHM (not by choice). Although I love my kids, I was making great money working. But bc my husband had a bad childhood experience in daycare, he refuses to let the kids go, and I had to be the one to sacrifice everything. It wouldn’t be so bad, but we never have any money, he never saves, and when I offered to take care of the finances, he argues with me bc it’s “his money” … I have to wait around for financial aid, or extra money that I bring in from school to ever get my hair done, any extra clothes, or even get out of this house (which is also always an argument). I never have anything I need ( or want, really) and find myself calling my mother (I’m a grown adult) to borrow money. I am getting really tired of it, but my SO wont even discuss the idea of me going back to work. So my real question is, am I being selfish? is this normal SAHM stuff? or does you SO provide the essentials and still has left over?
Sounds controlling to me.
First of all he is not your father to tell if you can or cannot go back to work … If he has issues with daycare he can stay home and watch the children … You sacrifices can easily to resentment toward your husband … It sounds like you are his child asking for allowance … In marriage it’s both of y’all money not just his
Personally I’d leave, no one deserves to live like that and your children shouldn’t see you go through that
Controlling. My boyfriend supports the house but he puts money in my account every week. Anything I want or need he makes happen. Im only a stay at home mom bc we can’t afford day care for me to work a low paying job. Wouldn’t make sense. But he fully encourages me to work if I can find something that would work for us. Its a team effort. No it’s not normal for him to control all the finances and trap you at home
My ex did the same thing. Ended up he was paying someone else’s bills, and not paying ours.
I’m a SAHM and my fiancé works and if I ask for it then we sit down together and work the budget because I like to always have a budget so we don’t live past our means and are able to save and currently I’m also pregnant but he’s never once told me I couldnt have something he’s even suggest that I take money and go get my nails done or go get myself something
Sounds like you need a new husband 
my husband works full time and goes to school full time and he still makes sure that both our son and I are taken care of before himself. We also didn’t want daycare for our son because of all the terrible things we heard. I know that doesn’t work for everyone but it does for us. Marriage is supposed to be taking care of each other. My husband and I have a joint account so everything is shared. I know not everyone has that either but their husband will at least give them some money for things and take care of or help with the bills. Don’t let him treat you like that, you deserve more. If you want it to work, maybe try counseling .
This is not normal, this is a red flag. There’s a reason you needed to confront strangers about this.
That sounds pretty toxic. It’s hard to go from making your own money to feeling like you need to ask for basic essentials. But the fact that he makes you feel bad for it and gives you grief is a red flag. Maybe sit down and have a talk with him without bringing in emotions, but to get your points across that it’s not okay. If hes unwilling to change, maybe consider other options. Idk your life, but consider marriage counseling or something along those lines
I never had to ask when I was at home 🤷
I’m a SAHM (by choice) and never have to ask
Find a marriage counselor or attorney. Not even kidding
I am a SAHM, my fiancé and I talk money all the time. We never live without and he always make sure we have all that we want and need. He regularly tells me that staying at home and being a great parent is just as much as a job as his. I feel equal to him. I hope things get better lady❤️
Sounds really controlling… me and my boyfriend share a joint account (I’m a sahm) and I just let him know if I’m going to get something. I don’t go out and do any crazy shopping or anything but I always just ask him to make sure because it’s not my money.
If you leaving the house is always an argument, you need to work again so you’ll be able to support yourself. Sounds like you’re being controlled and that is no way to live or let your kids watch it, especially girls.
No not normal at all. You are married, or at least im guessing. But thats your money too especially having kids now. If he wants you to be a sahm then he needs to stop being selfish and controlling. If not id say leave his ass. What hes doing is not ok.
No, you’re not being selfish. It sounds like he wants to be in control of the relationship and finances. In this situation I would have a conversation with him. Sometimes you just need to speak up and advocate for yourself. It’s not selfish to sacrifice your career to take care of your children. Let him know you have needs as well. Simple things like hair, nails, clothes every once in a while, when the budget permits. If you don’t advocate for yourself, it will make you unhappy. It does not hurt to have a conversation. The worst he can say is no. Then it’s up to you to decide what the next step is or what you want to do.
I’ve been with my fiancee for 11 years, we have both had jobs, both not had jobs and one does, doesnt…we have always said money is our money, I am a sahm now and he still says its our money. Id feel pretty upset if he ever said “this is my money, you have no say”. Its hard enough being a sahm and feeling like your not contributing but it would be super difficult to have someone remind you of it by taking ownership of all the money.
I get the “I work and make the money” etc every once in a while from my husband, usually when hes stressing about something, but he doesnt act that way - he provides everything we need and things I want for myself also such as my hair, coffee or eating out, my halloween costume, etc. Were a team.
And Ill say that if hes that adamant on the kids being home then maybe he should have been the one to sacrifice his career to take care of the kids or be grateful that youre doing it instead
No it’s not normal. Definitely a big problem
Sounds like he just wants to control you and the household, not healthy Im sure it’s affecting your marriage and parenting. You do what’s good for you your kids need a happy mom not a perfect one
I would try a work from home job. Not ask him but get one. Even if it is a home based selling job like Pampered Chef. Facebook parties are the thing now and people are buying because they are at home. It might give you your own money and let you still be with your kids.
My husband was a little like that before we got married BUT we were dealing with A LOT. We went from each having our own jobs and bank accounts to only his because I had to stay home with our son. He talked about “giving me an allowance” and my head exploded. I told him we could open a joint bank account and I could have my own card or we could split because I was his partner NOT one of his children. We opened a joint account and now money isn’t really a problem anymore in our relationship. He has no idea what bills are due when except rent. He just pays them when I tell him because I hate doing it on the phone and then I pay the other ones. If he’s so against daycare he should quit his job and stay home then when he asks for money tell him “Sorry this is MY money.” But if your struggling with just his income you shouldn’t be upset about him saying no to getting your hair and nails done. If there’s not enough money for bills there’s not enough money for extras either.
I recently became a sahm, my other half makes sure all needs are met plus some. He is awesome. Sorry yours sucks maybe he isnt the beautiful soul he seemed to be.
I work only weekends and I stay at hone with my kids during the week. I pay all the bills, do all the cooking and the cleaning, do the yard work and everything else. He has his own money and I have mine. I do ask him for money and he does give it to me. My husband doesn’t provide any extra other than to cover a bill. And I’m always broke at the end of the month. So I don’t spend any money on myself anymore.
Ehhhh sooo it depends on ones finances and how they have it set up… some use it as a form of control which in my opinion it seems like what is happening. My husband never questions what I choose to buy of when he often is the one who tells me to get what I’m looking at because I just never do as I think of many other things it could go towards. And his experience with daycare is what? Not all daycares are bad you can find many trust worthy people what about an in home nanny where you can still have cameras and what not… at the end of the day if he doesn’t want to send them to daycare than maybe he needs to stay home and do that
Just wow… I get it if he were not to make enough. Yet he needs to stop being selfish and let you work. If he is so concerned about baby sitting, why can’t he take care of the kids when he gets home from work? Then you can go to work. Your mental health comes first. Right now I am staying home with my babies, my husband is the only one working. He tells me to go out, he tells family members to take me out. He understands that as a mom I need a break and even when I think something is to expensive, he tells me to go for it.
That’s financial abuse. If you both have agreed on his role as the bread winner and your role as the child care, then the finances are BOTH of yours. You need things, your children need things, and he needs things. You both need to be able to work together to make a budget that makes everybody happy and if that’s not possible he may need some sort of counseling. It’s not normal behavior. And also just because he is uncomfortable with you being a working mom does not mean you’re not allowed! You’re an adult and if he is so concerned about the children being raised at home tell him he can do it.
Noooope. My husband lets me spend whatever as long as our bills are paid. It’s OUR money, not HIS money. That’s how marriage works. Everything is both of yours.
No … This is not ok
Go to work, find a good daycare… If he has a problem with it he can quit his job and stay home with them, or he can leave
He sounds controlling. Absolutely not normal. If you are staying at home with kids then he should provide you with things you need and want.
Sounds like you are being controlled to me. I been there. Gotta fight for what you want. Don’t let him gaslight you.
I never have to ask. It was really hard on the relationship when I had to leave my job because I’d always had my own money and he his but after a while we figured it out. If it’s a big expense I always discuss it with him just in case there’s a bill I wasn’t aware of. If my needs weren’t being met or my husband had an issue with my spending I’d put the kid/s in daycare and go back to work.
Im a stay at home mom. My SO works long crazy hours. So I take care of the finances but we both have access to them. I always pay the bills, we put a little in our savings account and then we split the rest as the money we get to spend on whatever. Because like many people have said it’s OUR money not HIS or MINE.
Red flag. 
I’m a SAHM, but work very very part time. My husband provides everything & sends me money every week. If my car needs fixed, he gives me more. If something we need for the house, he gives me more. If I run out of money he replenishes (often without question, though sometimes I think he should ask me lol).
Marriage is about taking care of each other. It doesn’t sound like he’s taking care of you.
Oh hell no. My husband works, does side jobs, hell even his birthday money he willingly hands over to me. I never asked, never said he needed to. He even calls me to make sure he can go grab some lunch… I’m like dude, its your money you dont have to ask me!
But he still says it’s ours and asks me all the time if I need anything. I take care of the finances and pay the bills because he works and doesn’t have time… we have a joint account now, and before I stopped working when I had my own account, I still had full access to his.
Your man sounds super selfish. That’s a huge problem
He sounds like a selfish and controlling jerk. I know it’s easier said than done, but if he is controlling everything and making you that miserable, you’d probably be better off being miserable single. At least it would be your own choices making you miserable rather than letting HIS choices making you miserable.
Believe me, I can sympathize with this issue because I’ve had the same issue before. We had a long talk and there was a change made. I usually made money right along with him, but there were points where I didn’t because his job moved us around. I got to the point where I told him what I told you. I’d rather be miserable single than be miserable married because his choices were making me miserable.
My hubby when I was stay at home payed for all bills and what not and anything I needed or wanted when we were out and gave me $50 a week for whatever I used it for and then i always had the credit card incase anything big happened
No, this is not normal at all. It’s financial abuse. You’re not being selfish at all. I am SAHM (Not by choice but due to other life factors. My husband supports me going back to work when we’re in a place where it makes sense for me to do so), but I have as much say in managing our finances. All my needs are met, and he has no issue with my spending when I want something. If your SO is forcing you to stay at home due to his trauma then he also needs to provide for you. If not, he can go get help for his trauma or be the one that stays at home especially if you could make more money. These decisions should be made TOGETHER. He should not force anything on you. That’s not how this works.
I’m a SAHM and I do all of the bills and take care of the saving and where the money goes and what we have to spend. My husband used to do a couple bills but I took over cause it was hard for him to do it all while he worked. So since I wasn’t working I took over the bills. I always let him know where the money is going and what we have to spend for the 2 weeks. He gets paid every 2 weeks. But we are married and how it is with us is his money is our money. I started working again before covid and it was the same my money is his money and so fourth… but was let go because of it. So I get unemployment but he looks at it as extra money cause his paychecks cover all the bills. So I use my money i get from unemployment for us to get things we want or need and to just save. I definitely find that really strange and very hard just because if you guys need to save or want to its definitely something that should be able to happen even if its $20. But its really weird he won’t let you have any money or let you do anything really. I would maybe sit down and talk it out and or leave if he refuses to let you do anything. You can’t be controlled your whole life 
No ma’am. In my opinion he sounds like a control freak which is a form of abuse. I was a sahm for 2 years. My husband paid all the bills and always gave me money out of every check for essentials and he also paid for my hair to be done once a month.
Every household should have at least 3 accounts: his, hers and budget. Both his and hers get an agreed to allowance each paycheck. Solves so many problems.
SAHM here, going on 2 and a half years, pretty much the same situation. For awhile I watched other kids for some income of my own, but it was overwhelming and just destroyed everything in our home. So I quit that about a year ago. Ever since I gave up my job it has been a struggle. He gives me the ‘I make the money…so I’ll spend it how I want’ comments. For awhile I wouldn’t ask for the money I needed. My husband is great, he provides, and we rarely struggle, but the financial part and working out who gets to spend money where/when took time, and lots of long hard conversations. I think what really put it into perspective for mine was how much I was saving the family by staying home, and when he would argue I told him to pay ME for the childcare then…and eventually he started giving me some credit. Its still a battle sometimes, but don’t give up. Its not normal, but I think it takes adjusting from both sides when they are that strong-headed. Have the hard conversations, it may take time. That’s been my experience at least. I hope it can help, if for no other reason than knowing you’re not alone. Hang in there Mama!
My husband and I share an account, he never tells me no or hides money or keeps it! I’d say put kids in daycare or worn around your husbands schedule! I work around my husband’s schedule. You should NOT have to beg him for anything
Its a form of control. Which is also abuse. Financial abuse. If you want a job get a job. He doesn’t see this as a partnership he is the controller. It’s not selfish to have or want goals for yourself and children and to enjoy things!
I stay home…did before I even had the kids…he goes to work …I control the bank account and bills and can spend and do what I want without any questions.
Put your foot down he either gives you money or you go back to work. It’s not fair. Or leave his ass.
That shouldn’t be that way
Its not right that he does that. Ur home cause u take care of kids that both of you made. U sacrificed your career to stay home.
I had to rearrange my schedule for mine and my SOs boys so I can stay home during the week and work weekends. He gives me money for me and asks me what bills he needs to make up for cause i still do make a paycheck. But if u feel u should go back to work then find a babysitter u both trust so I can go back to work
Me and my husband have a joint account and I have recently become a stay at home mom. My husband has NEVER told me I couldn’t have money because he says its OUR money, not HIS.
This is actually borderline abusive, I’d attempt to have one more heart to heart and if he wont hear it than go apply at jobs. Put them in daycare and go to work. Hubby has a problem with it? He can either suck it up and get used to his kids being in daycare or he can quit his job and stay home. I wouldn’t let this behaviour continue or it’ll just get worse.
I’m in a similar situation
Well i pay for half the bills (ssi) and he pays for the other half. Then with his other check in the middle of the month he splits it with me so i have gas money money for house items\kids needs and to have some fun for the month.
Trash em out. Not worth the unhappiness.
Not ok by any means! Work opposite shifts so you are not trusting your babies with strangers. My husband and I did this for many years and it worked for us. You both get out, you both make money and then the time your together as a family is really special!
I have a question for you in return.
Are you an adult or a child? Are you a prisoner or in a marriage? Seriously, WTF? Grow a set!
My partner provides most things for us i put towards the bills when I can if there’s anything extravagant we need he saves or we save together if I can.if I need hair done or anything for myself in generally pay for it if I can afford to otherwise he is happy to pay if he can spare it that week. I think you need to be open about finances in a relationship especially if one person has a very poor use of money compared to the other. It’s just communication really. I dont expect anything from him and he doesnt expect from me
Those are controlling behaviors. Be careful. You shouldn’t have to give up your job because of his childhood trauma. Being treated like this can have negative effects on your mental health. If he doesn’t want the kids in daycare, you have a few options. 1. He quits his job and stays home with them. 2. You both work and work opposite shifts so that you don’t have to pay for daycare. 3. If he isn’t willing to compromise, leave.
Being in the situation it is likely hard to break from the routine. I have to agree with a lot of others, this is borderline abuse… Either work separate shifts or you need to be in the loop with the finances (on the bank acc and have access). I’m sorry that you’re going through this. My husband is the sole provider for us, but I have ALWAYS had control of the money. One thing is for sure though, it’s only going to get worse. Even if nothing changes in your day to day with him, you will eventually explode. And it’s not going to be pretty
I’m not a stay at home mom. My husband and I discussed it before we had a kid and I had my foot down on not loosing myself and my “independence”. The question I always ask myself is can I support my family if something happens to my husband or his income no longer exists? That also pushes me to remain employed.
You could work a couple nights a week and every other weekend. He needs to raise your children too.
If you can’t live this way, then change it. That’s really about it. Everything else can be figured out.
I mean, it will build resentment and no one wants that, especially you! Best of luck.
I get disability as well as child support for my oldest two kids which is one hundred combined. My fiancé has a good job making good money. While dating and while first engaged before we got our first place together I had my own money and paid for all my own things and the kids. We live together now and he wants to provide. So he pays the bills. I pay for my cell, the internet since it’s my contract from my old place and Hulu. I pay for groceries. However he gets paid weekly and has no issue giving me a few hundred for whatever the kids might need or want. If he doesn’t give me money he will always ask if I need any and usually I tell him no. I also take care of household necessities. To make my life easy he buys the food subscription boxes from plated so it’s less work on me. He cooks weekends when he is off and usually will rotate which child, but takes one with him to go spend one on one time with. We are expecting our first together (I have four from prior) and he gave me $300 to spend and then told me he would give me more this payday. You have a man with a control issue. You need a grown man who is willing to have some give and take
My husband is the sole provider and honestly he ‘pays’ for everything, I’m a SAHM, he also has no idea what is in the bank account nor how much bills are. I manage all the money, pay the bills, manage the business finances, etc. I am not given an allowance or told what I can spend. We do have an unspoken agreement that if there is something we want (not a necessity) that is over $50 we always tell the other before we purchase just out of respect for each other, cause let’s face it, $50 on wants is a lot of money when you have one income and 4 kids. We have never had separate bank accounts. It isn’t just ‘his’ money, it’s ‘our’ money and we feel that in our marriage that what’s mine is yours. To answer your question of being selfish you are absolutely not being selfish.
is being financially abusive. please leave him before he gets worse.
My husband is the sole provider. He provides for me and our child. He is also a great money saver. He gives me money here and there and i usually save it for things like my nails or hair or for shopping. I dont just ask for these things bc it is pricey and i know our child needs things as well. But if i ever do want to eat out he never says no to me. But i feel you id like to make my own money and spend whenever id like but i know thats no reality for us right now
Sorry, but that is a domestic abuse. Withholding/controling finances. Research daycare in your area, thoroughly. If he still refuses, then explain to him you will be working this shift, he needs to be home. You didnt get pregnant alone. Money isn’t the only support needed here.
We have a joint account but I’m the one who deals with the bills, the food and I do everything with or for our kids 95% of the time .
Sorry but I wouldn’t be putting up with that
I wouldn’t be putting up with that shit sorry
SAHM going on 2 years and my SO provides everything and then some. I have access to all the bank accounts and credit cards. Although my husband takes care of all the finances I am fully aware of all the money flowing in and out of our household. With this being said, I do have my own private account and so does he plus our joint accounts. I’m very careful not to spend over our budget so I consult with my husband on big purchases. But everything else is a go! To be honest, me and my children are very well taken care of by my husband which is something you deserve too.
I really hope this gets better for you and your little ones. You’re doing a great job holding everything down! 
I came across this the other day … and it couldn’t be more true 
All I have 2 do is ask as l long as we have the money but I dont because I’m the one that knows what can go wrong will and we will need it soon. If it’s such a big deal get different shifts. He works days u work nights. Go part time. That’s what I did.
Nope. Its called domestic financial abuse.
I was in a marriage almost 15 years like that. He paid. He is still paying. Take no crap!
No you are not being selfish your husband IS however, there was a time period where my husband was the sole provider and I had to go through something like that, I told him LISTEN I’m a grown woman who has NEVER had to depend on others for ANYTHING I am not a gold digger and I do not ever ask you for things that are out of this world, it is belittling that I have to beg you for things that I want when you can just go out and get it.
There was an argument but I stood my ground I told him either we figure out the job schedules like I get a night job or weekend job or this is not going to work out. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you need to accept abuse, you can coparent with out the need of one feeling like they gave everything up. We don’t want to put our kids in daycare until our kids can talk because of the same reasons. If he wants to stay home with the kids while you work and swap when he needs to work then that’s great if he doesn’t ask him who he’s really hurting when he’s limiting the income that is meant for his kids