Do breaks really break couples?

I do think breaks end in breakups. If someone wants a break I’d rather just leave than draw out the hurt longer :pleading_face:

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You knew his life language was that before you got together. If you want a break, it is fine but just make up your mind to live with it if it leads to a proper break up.

They definitely can. I take a trip alone every so often (not far) for my sanity and my Husband didn’t like it the first time, but he realized I come back rested and generally better disposition so he encourages (and usually pays my hotel bill) it now. His love language is physical touch and mine used to be but hormones have killed that. Lots of communication and honesty on both sides has helped us so much.
I’ve been at that standstill sweetie… let me tell you… but rejuvenating yourself and allowing him a small space too is better than a :break:. But I have always believed a break is the end.

Communicate… don’t hurt his heart when you two aren’t communicating well. Xo

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Give him assurance that you’re not going to be seeing your ex and that you just need the time to think. And let him know that forcing you to stay on a stressful situation without relief is not going to make things better. Ask him to trust you and give you a little space to decompress.

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Breaks only lead to breakups when one or both people are not committed to the relationship.

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He is speaking for himself when he says “breaks lead to break ups” because physical closeness is a large part of his attachment style in addition to his primary love language. He may have had a tendency to feel “out of sight out of mind” in his past relationships that makes him feel disconnected. He likely is also feeling very insecure (possibly as a result of previous abandonment trauma). He needs to address that with a counselor or therapist. But there are reasonable accommodations you can make to ease his worries while being firm about your needs.

Breaks often are very healthy and help dissolve codependency habits. Calmly but assertively tell him that you need breathing room and promise to call before bed each night to reconnect and chat. Reassure him ONCE before you leave ONLY IF he brings it up that you have zero interest in the ex and you are not leaving the marriage. Give him specific dates for your departure & return and at the end of each call you can restate “____ more days” to show you are looking forward to reunion. This break is not up for negotiation. You are going and either he can work with you to address his feelings about it or not. But his insecurities are his to deal with. You also need to make it clear to him that if he isn’t willing to work on things to accommodate your need for space then the marriage isn’t going to work. You NEED space and your needs are no less important than his.

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If you’re arguing about his love language (I presume because he isn’t getting enough touch from you?) then why? It doesn’t need to be your language for you to meet his need. Is he meeting your need for your love language? You both need to speak each other’s love language willingly so the other person can feel loved.

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Well, perhaps take a break in a location where he feels less conflicted about. Taking a break can help, but it should also be mutual and both people should at least try to help one another feel comfortable about it.
Do you still communicate with your ex? Is that why he is concerned?
Breaks don’t always have to be bad, it can be a great opportunity to really get some alone time to put honest thought into your situation.
With that said, understanding love languages isn’t about saying the book told me so and that’s how it is. It’s about getting to have a deeper understanding of your partner and having tools to use to work together to be closer with one another, not to use their love language against them.

You’re not moving out, you’re clearing your head for a few days. He’s reacting this way because he’s insecure in his connection with you. Which is kind of understandable as you said, you have different love languages. This is where I do suggest taking your mini vacation, as well as scheduling a couples counseling session to dig into the deeper issues here. Coming back with a more clear perception will allow you to communicate your feelings more adequately. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, mentally or physically. The issue here is he’s trying to control you, because he feels out of control. Just go.

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So, he loves you and you don’t. Just break it off with him. You’re in a marriage, you don’t get breaks in a marriage. You either nut up and fix it, or you break it off. Period.

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It’s not uncommon for your love language to differ but not wanting to make an effort is asking for failure, it takes compromise. Maybe try counseling before a break?

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Yeah, Ross and Rachel were on a “break” when he slept with someone else. I know it’s just a TV show but there’s a lot of truth in there. If your husband is craving that “physical touch” he might just get it on y’all break. :woman_shrugging:t4: Be careful what you ask for.

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Breaks lead to breakups only if the time apart brings the clarity to each person that it is in fact the best choice for you. If you take space and realize wow I really miss this person, I want to make it work and spend your time maybe writing down the things that you need from the relationship to make it work and then maybe asking the other person to do the same and sharing when you get home then a break can be super beneficial. If you take the time and space and realize that you feel relief being away and happier being away then that’s really important to know too! You’re not taking a break from your relationship, just some time and space to breath and think. I think it’s a super healthy choice. When people take breaks in their relationship, that’s when things get messy but to take some space? That’s totally ok!

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Stay somewhere else go on a vacation.

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Go with her and have no contact hopefully it will open his eyes if not you deserve better.

Take a break elsewhere. It definitely doesn’t need to be close to your ex

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That’s what led to my first divorce! We were only going to separate for a few months…in those months I realized how shitty I’ve been treated and now married to an amazing man who loves me so much and is an amazing father to our kids.

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I think it’s ok for you to have a vacation at your moms . Why don’t you word it as a “ vacation “ . Maybe that would help . Get into marriage counseling ASAP . No need for divorce if y’all can get help - it will take time but your issues can be overcome . :pray:t2:

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What it sounds like you need is marriage counseling. That’s only one of the issues they could help you with.

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Forget the “break”, the “ex”, and “something to break the tension”, somebody in your relationship moved the goalposts or did a bait and switch, at the onset of your relationship either you both accepted the touch initiating of intimacy or the dialog route of initiating, so that appears to be the source of everything and like I said either you guys accepted your styles at that time or someone changed

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I agree with him. You’re running away. That solves nothing. I’ve been married 43 years. You have to stick with it. Marriage isn’t easy.

Have you considered therapy at all? Even just for yourself. He’s prob scared you’ll leave and realize you don’t need/want him. Which is fine if you do but breaks don’t always mean a break up. Taking time to think is never wrong.

If what he’s worried about is you cheating then that gives you your answer. If he can’t even give you a week to get away without accusing you of something that you weren’t planning on doing then leave. I’m sorry but he sounds toxic

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Why does it have to be a break? Why can’t it be a vacation?

Nothing wrong with a weekend get away or just a few days he needs to understand that. If he wants to end everything because you need time to breathe let him go.

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Take the break! Manipulative people fear time apart because it gives the person time to think and process and they usually end up realizing they’re in an abusive situation. I’m not saying that’s exactly what’s going on here but just take the break and decide for yourself. Hope it helps you gain peace and clarity!

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I know it gets a lot of hate, but Grey’s Anatomy has a couple who have marriage issues… they see a counselor and do it the “right” way… they decide on a break. One was for and one was against the break. They get VERY clear rules to follow and at the end the one who was against the break ended up realizing how much they NEEDED it. The one who wanted it saw how much she wanted the marriage.

…so, I love the way they went about it. I think there’s a lot of good advice in those “rules” and I believe there’s a lot of truth in the struggles they face.
See a marriage counselor and go from there❤

Speaking from experience as someone who wanted the break and absolutely loved my husband to death, you need to work this out with communication and together. I wish I had. Instead we took a break… Now he’s passed away and we can’t go back. You never know what tomorrow will bring, so if you truly love this man you need to talk about what you both want

A break is either gonna save or sink a relationship.
Either the time apart will remind of you of the good things and decide it’s worth repairing and starting anew
OR
The time apart is going to help you see that the relationship cant be fixed and time and space to see exactly why.

Take the break , he’s being manipulative and if 3 days or a week break you up - you weren’t meant to be

I don’t see anything wrong with a break. Sometimes it makes you miss them and realize what you had. It can also make you see clear what’s going on. Maybe abuse you’re missing or a control freak or something. Take the break because you might come back with a clear head and easier to get along with. Don’t forget to take any children involved with you.

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Me and my husband had a week long break once. It was mainly bc his mom was living with us and causing tension. After 2 days we were back wanting to be around each other and had calmed down ,but i stayed at my dad’s for a full week to just give it time. Breaks do work if constantly at each other. Tell him if he isnt comfortable with you leaving for a week,then he needs to go somewhere instead of you.

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“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.”

I moved several hours away to live with my sister for two months while I was pregnant with our first and not once did I imagine not going back to living together. Admittedly we weren’t fighting at the time, but a break can be a wonderful thing if done right, we regained a little of the independence that we had lost together.

He’s going to have to trust that you’re going to come back and not turn in to a controlling monster out of a fear of losing you though, or else I’d imagine he’ll just push you further away. The hardest part for him will be respecting that you need some space to heal.

Maybe you’ll call/text constantly, or maybe you’ll just send a heart each day, but maintaining even minimal contact may help ease the anxiety. It’s important to keep contact, both you and your kid, so he doesn’t feel abandoned. A break needs to come from a place of love, not of anger, to work.

You’ll need to have a very clear discussion about your decision and why you’re going too though. If you truly believe you’ll be back, then you can try to reassure him, but he probably won’t feel better until he’s seen it happen. You have an opportunity to set a new standard here, if you do go back then perhaps you can make it an annual (or more) thing that you and your kiddo take a vacation alone.

Either way - GO.
Either you’ll get a clear head to do what you need to do and leave, or you’ll go back and hopefully he’ll gain a little more trust in you that even when things are rough you’re still on the same team and your level of physical contact doesn’t change that.

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There is nothing wrong with staying at your moms for a couple days and watching her house and getting some time alone. He will be ok! If not then it is what it is!

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In my experience, what I have seen the most of, it ends up being the end. Usually because one partner takes that time to reflect and do better and the other partner takes that time to screw around with other people.

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I think seeing a marriage counselor would help a lot more than a break. Taking a break isn’t just going to magically change his love language, or fix your marriage issues.

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Time alone is fine, you can both still have time alone without declaring you’re going on a ‘break’ from each other. I personally don’t believe in breaks, with me it’s either you’re in or you’re out.

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If you want a break break it off why drag feelings when there are none. Why cause you need a break. When your in your late 30s there is no such thing as a break. Your either with me or not. When you say break they fear the worst. And why wouldnt they.

Since your husband has expressed that fear to you, I would not go. Leaving would be creating a wider gap between you. Im sure he would be thinking about your ex and not how much he misses you. The only way you can work things out is together. Speaking from experience, distance does not make the heart grow fonder, when there are already doubts in the heart.

“Break” or just going away for a few days are not the same thing.
My husband works out of town, our entire marriage he’s been away half the time. It works well for us🤷‍♀️ gives us time to be ourselves alone but very much enjoy together time. There’s no shame is being okay with being apart.

It will show him that you don’t mind walking away. You may find that to be a strong behavior. I would see it as you walked away. You abandoned me at our home and left with our child. Trust for me would be completely out the window.

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Did you not know of this behavior before you married him?

Nothing wrong with a little vacation

If you need a break take it! Don’t let him tell you otherwise.

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Self care is the best care in any marriage you all should always have alone time to recenter tbh if your love language isn’t touch I’m wondering if you just tired of him touching you I know a lot of folks that love language isn’t touch but they adjust and adapt to their spouse is all I’m saying in my opinion no one should threaten the other because you wanna go on a trip it’s a underlying issue at hand and you have ntn to do with your ex living down the road seems a bit insecure to me

So your husband wants you but you don’t want him? My husband’s love language is physical touch and mine isn’t but I compromise and do what he needs because I love him. If you aren’t happy than leave and quit dragging him along its not fair to him