My husband and I have known each other for nearly 20 years, since middle school. We have been together about 5 and married only 6 months. I have two teenagers from my last marriage and we have an almost 4 year old together and I'm about 6 months pregnant.
My oldest child, 14, is currently is 5 days of therapy services. (With multiple crisis stays this year) diagnosis vary and she is on meds.
He nearly called off our wedding because it was so tough with her, then we got more services involved and it is going a little better, not much! She is supposed to return to in- person schooling, which will help a lot but, she is extremely difficult in every front.
Today, after a few bad days, he has said he canât handle the stress, overwhelmed feelings and anxiety he has with our children (specifically her).
He doesnât know if he wants to stay married or can function as a family anymoreâŚ
What can I do? We are already in family therapy and having people everyday with some kind of therapy/help.
(Placement for her is not available at this time though it has been discussed frequently)
I feel like I have to choose between my daughter and husbandâŚ
Any advice? Ideas?
Take this how you want!!! From experience here, you better choose your daughter. I promise you she will hate you for life if you donât. Trust me when I say I know the feeling. Placement only makes it worse cause she will feel let down. I was that child. My parents did this to me & I can promise you wonât like the future with her.
Take this how you want, you asked. Coming from someone who use to care for my exâs kids. There should be no choice whatsoever. If you have to question it, you should reconsider being a parent. She is his step daughter. He knew he would be a father figure in her life. He should treat her as his own⌠If he canât step up and be a parent like he knew would happen than you need to kick him to the curb. NEVER choose a man over your kids. Use your brain⌠If he is saying all that and making it like you have to choose itâs a sign of a narcissist
Please donât listen to all the mean comments!
All of you saying, no question. Which child? Sheâs about to have 3 others as well and they matter too! Iâve seen children with severe schizophrenia destroy an entire family! Not just a marriage! Unless you know EXACTLY what this family is going through, you should not judge her or her husband! I can GUARANTEE this childâs severe issues are disrupting and taking away from the entire family. She is here for help/advise! Not rude a$& judgment! Not only that, if your daughter is dangerous, your husband can and should take his kids with him. I know this has to be hard but do what is best for EVERYONE in your family! My good friends mom choose her sister over the entire family! Not just her husband! Now she is living in her own hell with her abusive, now adult daughter! She canât even take her grandchildren because it isnât safe for them! Her entire house is destroyed by her daughter and it is so sad! People act like these are such easy decisions and you donât have an entire family to think about.
In my personal opinion she obviously has some issues she needs help working through and I am not being mean but it seems like she is treated as more of a burden than a child that needs help. I went through similar things with my âmotherâ and at the end of the day, your child will always be there - your partner may notâŚ
Always choose your child so when they grow up they donât choose everyone else above themself . She needs her mama, and a lot of her âissuesâ probably stems from not feeling like she matters
That shouldnât even be a question youâre pondering. You have no choice but to choose your daughter! Period, end of discussion. If he canât handle everything then he has the right to move on, but you ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have to choose your CHILDREN!!!
i would hope if it actually comes down to having to âchooseâ between your husband and the child YOU BIRTHEDâŚâŚ you wouldnât be dickwhipped enough to choose him. i really hope so.
Your child needs you more than your husband and your husband should never come before your daughter. Especially if sheâs getting the help she needs. Just because he finds it tough doesnât give him the right to make you feel like that. What would he say if you said youâve had enough and wanted to move out? That would be another story then x
Your child, always. Maybe look into what would work best for her, not for anyone else. If that includes a stay someone so she can get the help she needs so be it. Granted when I was institutionalized it only made me angrier but for some people it works.
Iâm pretty sure her having a mom who doesnât automatically put her first and a step dad who is struggling with her is most likely not helping her mental health⌠she needs you and should be able to rely on you over everything and anyone else. She should come first. And sounds like heâs looking for an excuse. He shouldnât have signed up for it if he couldnât handle it. And Iâm sure she feels every bit of the tension and feels âunwantedâ .
I mean heâs know her all this time and the issues so I believe he needs support and help to cope obviously it isnât easy for anybody! Honestly if itâs that bad keep looking at placements where you can be involved. Howâs the other teen doing? How about the 4 year old and new baby on the way.
The help for HER and you all must continue, if he wants to give up let him be. But help should continue from all accepts for your kids or any kid. If he leaves & she gets better, then there must be something he& she need to work on. If you want to continue with the marriage.
Girl, dump his ass. This shouldnât even be a question. You made that child. Youâre supposed to choose that child over everything. And please, for the love of everything, donât let this baby find out this is even a thing. She may be difficult to deal with, but sheâs still a child. YOUR CHILD. It doesnât matter if you have other children by him, she needs you, he will be just fine by his damn self.
Children always, I repeat ALWAYS should come first. Shouldnât even be a question especially since she isnât his biological daughter. That makes it even worse the way he is being. He doesnât need you to function, your daughter does.
I really hope this isnât an actual question as to who you will choose and simply a rant⌠I really do.
It sounds like she really needs you right now. And if he canât handle being a parent during the difficult times then perhaps itâs best to let him go. I understand itâs not easy. You love him. But your daughter didnât ask for this, and she is your responsibility. Sending good vibes your way. Hoping you find your way through this
Sounds like he is giving you an ultimatum.
Him or your daughter.
If that is indeed what he is saying, then just move on.
It will be tough at first but eventually youâll get into a good groove.
Get a lawyer involved (divorce and family) and get everything sorted out.
Go for child support (for the kids you have with him) and (if it applies) Alimony.
Make sure everything is agreed upon before signing anything.
Who gets what in the divorce, custody arrangements etc.
If you do decide you want to stay and try and work things out, put everything on the table (work schedule, school schedule, therapy, extra curricular sea etc) and try to come up with a plan/schedule.
And if able, take 1 night a month (to start with) for a date night and get back into the husband/wife relationship.
He could be stressed and doesnât know how to handle everything that is going on.
Maybe get him to try 1 on 1 therapy (so just him and the therapist).
Marriage counselling is also another idea/way to talk about everything as the therapist is (or at least should be) impartial and would be able to help.
âŚyou canât be serious. Your wanting opinions about a CHILD you brought into this world and whether to choose her or someone your now with regardless how long youâve known each otherâŚIâm sorry but thatâs fucked up. Who the fuck asks this?? Your kid comes first. If you donât choose her you donât deserve any of the other Children you have.
Heâs incredibly selfish and self serving. Marriages are hard. Kids are hard. Through sickness and in health. Through good times and bad. Sounds like he only cares about himself. He should 100% be your emotional support, and he should 100% be her support.
Do yourself a favor and drop him like a bad habit. He doesnât deserve you. Move on. The right man will never be swayed because somebody has mental health issues.
Maybe there is a couple different approaches. Maybe a temp split I. How the house is divided. Him his kids and you yours. Maybe try a different approach to therapy too.
I canât believe this is a question. If he is questioning your marriage because of your children and you donât know who to choose maybe you need more therapy than you thought.
When you kids they become priority you can always get remarried but children are forever I have two boys 10 and 2 oldest from a previous relationship and 2yr with ny current been with the man 8 years on the 15th and Iâve made it be known that he treats bith boys with the same respect or im because of. His blood and one is a step child to him yet you wouldnât know he treats the boys like his own blood when his the bio dad to 1. Real men step up menchildren do not
Do you know the crap it would cause if you chose your husband and had her shipped off somewhere? You think she has problems now, just wait. You always choose your kids.
Iâm sorry I have to say that at some point you have to put your spouse first. But your child is now his child so you should be on the same team here⌠apparently thatâs not the case so bye bye husband
Through better or worse⌠the vows say it all. What ever maybe be stressing or overwhelming he should be by your side trying to help. But other then that your babies should come first.
Well you need to think of all your kids not just her. Why should your two littles be without a father because of your oldest. She needs extreme interventions , can she stay with her father temporarily to get intensive help
If he cant handle being a parent he shouldnât be one. All children go through bad times and sheâs a teenager with added troublesâŚchildren come first. Either he copes and loves her as his ownâŚor he goes
So Iâm gonna get alot of shit for this but⌠it sounds like you have a lot on your plate honestly. Do what you feel is best, but do it for the right reason⌠NOT because of your husband BUT because itâs too much to handle. Sometimes kids can be overwhelming and thatâs okay. Do it because YOU personally canât handle your child. It sucks and itâs gonna hurt a lot but doing what is best for your child is gonna help in the long run. Whether that be leave your husband or whether that be leaving your child in someoneâs care who specializes in helping these kind of children.
And to the people who are about to be all butt hurt donât even come at with all your ridiculous comments⌠yes, I have a daughter myself.
Life is hard sometimes and sometimes being a GOOD parent is choosing the better decision for your child whether that be in foster care or with you. She could have been one of the selfish parents not admitting she needs help and sheâs suffering but instead sheâs reaching out, give her some slack.
He knew this before you got married. You knew how he was before you got pregnant again. Your children always come first. When l started dating by now husband ( married 31 years) my son was 9 and he knew it was a package deal and has been a better father than the real father.
Your child comes first and put your foot down if he truly cared for you or that child it wouldnât even be a problem he would support and help make it through these hard times you donât throw a child away when it gets hard you love them more
Maybe thatâs her problem she needs mom to pick her
Maybe sheâs âacting outâ because she sees what a tool your husband is maybe? Honestly itâs hard, youâre being pulled both ways but sis, heâs already unhappy and looking for any excuse at this point. What grown ass man uses a child as an excuse to state they are unhappy. run sis. Heâs made it very known. Take your babies and go!
Is this behavioral or true mental health issues. I only ask because the behaviors with time and effort on her part and your part as parents can change over time but if itâs mental health, this could be an ongoing issue forever if she isnât willing to receive and keep up with the help. Iâm not saying choose either. Iâm just saying that you have to understand that everyone is probably stressed and if he chooses to leave, then he canât handle it and itâs his decision to leave.
Ok so the Bible says we should cling to our husbands but that was also written in a different time we no longer have fathers for our children and we live in a time where it takes both parents working
Whoâs there for the kids?
In my situation you should always pick your children men may come and go but your kids will always be your kids âŚâŚ.
If your husband isnât willing to stick around and support you & your family through the hard times is he really somebody you want to be involved with?
If you shut your daughter out now then you will regret it for the rest of your life. Your relationship with her will never be the same. If he wants to walk away let him you focus on you and your kids because they need you more than you need him
I donât care about the hubby but what about the safety and well being of your other children? Is she affecting their stability and mental health? Is she putting them in harms way? Those are my concerns. I have 2 bonus daughters from my ex husband. The 6 year old lives with me and the 10 year old lives w her mom. Why? Because they canât properly care for the 6 year old cause the 10 year old harms her and she isnât taken care of. I have concerns about the 10 year old and her stability but I chose keeping my own 3 kids safe as well as the 6 year old safe (even tho Iâm no longer w her dadâŚ) over the 10 year old. Do I love her? Yes. But the other 4 deserve SAFE and loving environments too.
Kids come first. No exception! They didnt ask to be born. You made them. These difficulties are what a family goes thru and if he wants to bounce cause he cant do his part as a family or a man to help your daughter then deuces. My boyfriend⌠once he dated me he signed up to deal with what we gotta he became a part of my team and my 3 yr old has hard behaviors but he dont give up and the kid ainât even his. Get u a man like that.
What wait your asking who what,your daughter is your responsibility she didnât ask to brought in the world she trouble and receiving help, and your husband said what, bye Feliciah
So question how long has your daughter had these behaviors? Seems like it wasnât going on when you go together or he wouldnât have stuck around in the first place as a child who been in this situation and mother who was more worried about her boyfriend feeling and getting attention from him then her children I know 99.9 percent of the time the mom and the new guy not man in the house are the issue some times very slim the child really does have issue but itâs normally the environment they are in instead of putting this all of therapy ect it starts at home ⌠thatâs no always a choice but if she not mentally handicap or has serious diagnosed mental Illness itâs probably her home life children who act out need their parents more Iâve worked in a brain unit for years a know for a fact people who are seriously mentally ill are still capable have have normal days they have triggers if her behavior is irrational only in your home their is an issue in your home if she can go to therapy with no issue then their is an issue in your home
I left a 10 yr relationship over this very same situation. My kids are much BETTER too! Donât get me wrong it hurt and still does but I chose my kids and donât even feel bad about that. A real grown ass adult will never make you chose. Ever! And if they do, chose your kid. Every. Single. Time.
really? Your child comes first imagine if it was one of his he would have to deal with it.
I have two boys 10 and 2 oldest from a previous relationship and 2yr with ny current been with the man 8 years on the 15th and Iâve made it be known that he treats bith boys with the same respect or im 
because of. His blood and one is a step child to him yet you wouldnât know he treats the boys like his own blood when his the bio dad to 1. Real men step up menchildren do not
your child should always come first. ALWAYS. You are being selfish!!!
run sis. Heâs made it very known. Take your babies and go!
some times very slim the child really does have issue but itâs normally the environment they are in instead of putting this all of therapy ect it starts at home ⌠thatâs no always a choice but if she not mentally handicap or has serious diagnosed mental Illness itâs probably her home life children who act out need their parents more Iâve worked in a brain unit for years a know for a fact people who are seriously mentally ill are still capable have have normal days they have triggers if her behavior is irrational only in your home their is an issue in your home if she can go to therapy with no issue then their is an issue in your home