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QUESTION:
"I’m torn on what to do. I was married for 14 years. The divorce was my choice/my fault or whatever you want to call it. The marriage was toxic from the start and we are both much better off now emotionally and mentally…. That being said, we married young, my parents helped us live so he could go to college and get a degree, which he did. We owned a very profitable business together. We have 3 kids together, 2 younger and 1 in college. In our divorce, he was supposed to buy me out of the business for a large sum of money. That never happened. He made payments for about a year, and then nothing… including child support. He ended up spending frivolously, for extravagant trips, racehorses, medical procedures for the girlfriend. Etc…. And ended up losing the business and assets. He was then “jobless” for over a year. Now he has a job again but has filed bankruptcy to get rid of the debt he owes me because if he has any debt, he apparently can’t keep his job (security issues). The debt he owes me is too big to discharge in chapter 13, so now he has to move to chapter 11. He will still be able to discharge his credit card debt, and other debts, just not mine… here is the problem. Our oldest adult son has given me the cold shoulder over all of this. His dad has involved him in all of our business, since the beginning, and has made it very hard to have a relationship with my son. My husband and I pay for everything for my oldest son (tuition, rent, phone, bills, food, gas money literally everything) his dad pays for nothing. I work, and my husband works, and we do live comfortably. My son sees this and thinks that I just need to give his dad a pass. My ex mom in law says I’m greedy and that I need to just forgive the debt and move on because it is the Christian thing to do, and because I don’t “need” it and because it’s probably the only way to have a relationship with my son. My ex is married to a girl with 3 kids of her own and they have 1 together, he has a very good degree and makes a very good living. My son feels it’s unfair to his dad's “new” family that I “hold this over his dad's head” and feels like it is my fault that his dad might lose his job. The way I see it is that I gave up 14 years with this man. I supported him and was very involved in building what we had. All the checks written during that time were to him. Never me. All the taxes paid (think social security) and so forth were paid under his tax ID. I was never able to finish school or have a job or career of my own, other than doing all the office work for our business and basically raising our kids as a single mom. The point being, I have nothing to “fall back on” at the age of 40 and some change. I did try to work with the ex on making a payment plan to help him keep the job. I just refuse to write off the entire amount, and he refuses to work with me. So do I stand my ground, and hope someday my son is mature enough to see that there are 2 sides to every story. Or do I just let it go, and let the ex screw me over 1 more time, for the sake of my son….which in all honestly, I don’t know would even make a difference since the ex poisoned his mind years ago. It's just getting old that every time any issue dealing with court or his dad comes up, he just stops talking to me. I’m hurting and heartbroken over all this, because I love my son, even if he doesn’t love me. Any advice is appreciated."
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"I’d stand my ground."
"You do you!! If your adult son wants to be like that he’s just as toxic as his father is"
"I would 100% stand my ground on this."
"He’ll get it later! Stand your ground!"
"He’s a boy n that’s his dad n who knows what all he’s heard at his dads house. Thats awful in itself to involve kids in adult situations or to even have conversations where they maybe able to hear. I hope u find peace n whatever decision u make. Ur son will come around. It may take time."
"If u owed him money do u think he would let it go. Stick to ur guns. Don’t give in."
"Don’t let him off the hook, he owes you, collect. You offered a payment plan, so his hard times are his own doing, NOT YOURS!!!"
"Stand your F*cking ground mama"
"Stand your ground. Your kids need you to be a role model and even if it’s his dad accountability and responsibility is something our kids need to see us do instead of getting a free pass."
"I would stand your ground. You were/are entitled to what is owed. Your ex should stop involving your child, and when you son approaches you about it, you answer with " that’s between your father and I" and leave it at that."
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